~ Chapter Six ~

It wasn't until I heard the knock on my door - the old "Shave and a
Haircut" five knocks, Fox's habitual door-pounding - that I
remembered I'd left the answering machine off.  When I'd arrived home
early in the morning I hadn't switched on any lights, and I'd
unplugged the machine as I'd shuffled by on the way to my bedroom. 
I'd been exhausted, but wondered if I'd even be able to sleep.  I'd
shed my clothes a piece at a time as I'd moved through my bedroom,
dropping each item on the floor and not really caring when after I
finished cleansing my face and brushing my teeth, I stepped on the
trail of them on my way back to bed.

I climbed in between cool sheets and curled into a little ball on my
side, willing my mind to rest and let me sleep.  I kept my hands
tucked under my pillow to keep them from reaching for the phone on my
night stand, and dialing Fox's cell number.  I knew he always left it
on, and I knew he'd answer it regardless of what was happening.  I
didn't want him to think I was needy.  I didn't want him to wonder
whether or not I trusted him.  I couldn't bear the thought of him
feeling as if he couldn't breathe... was being smothered by me.

As I lay there I made myself think of Dana - what she was probably
going through.  If Fox never had the time to even ring me or leave a
message and let me know how she was doing, to me that boded very ill
for an optimistic outlook.  I wondered if he'd think to call me from
the hospital, for I was convinced that's where he'd taken her.  She
was dying, after all, and dying people usually went to the hospital. 
I pulled the blankets up around my chin and relaxed a little, feeling
somewhat better.  He'd need my strength when Dana finally passed
on... he'd need the cocoon of my love, to sustain him and get him
through the loss of his partner and his best friend.

It never occurred to me to consider Fox spent the night anywhere but
at Scully's hospital bedside.  I never stopped to think that his
absence from my bed that night had signified anything different than
a last desperate need to hold Dana's hand as she slipped away.

It seemed like hours before I was able to sleep, to shut down my
over-productive brain and allow myself to rest.  I woke up four hours
later feeling drained and bleary, dragging myself from my bed and
managing to make it over to my sofa before I sank down into a stupor
again.  I told myself it was natural to feel depressed at the thought
of someone I knew whose life was slipping away.  That it was all
right for me to worry at the mental state of the man I loved, and
experience empathy for him.

And it felt like less than an hour later when that odd little knock
of Fox's announced his presence outside my door.  I had been sitting
on the sofa, staring off into space and blinking every so often. 
Thinking, about everything and yet nothing...  At the knock I jumped
a little and glanced at the wall clock, which told me I'd been
sitting on the sofa almost-unblinking for well over two hours.  I
roused myself from my zombie-like state and moved to the door,
opening it wide and taking in the sight of a wrinkled, bone-tired and
incredibly appealing Fox Mulder leaning against my door frame.  I
stared into his eyes, red-rimmed and sad as I had never seen them
look before; I reached out a hand to him and pulled him inside, into
my arms.  His own arms were slow to embrace me, but I understood.  My
God... he was grieving; he must have been with her when she...

My poor Fox.  He'd just lost his partner and his best friend - then
he'd come to me in his need and I was honored to be there for him - 

"Oh, Fox.  I'm so sorry.  So sorry.  Was it... did she... oh, Lord. 
Did Dana suffer?  I pray she didn't suffer."  I felt him stiffen
slightly against me as he digested my halting words of comfort, and
then he pulled back a little to peer into my face with a look of
confusion on his.

"Wha -? Lilly... Scully is fine, much better today than last night. 
It was touch and go for a bit, but she managed to sleep some and when
she awoke this morning she had improved greatly."  The shine of quiet
joy in his hazel eyes was unmistakable, and I found myself pinning a
smile on my face as I replied.

"Fox, that's... I'm glad.  Very glad to hear it."  And I was, I told
myself.  Of course I was glad.  With another smile sent in his
direction, this one brighter, I stepped away from his arms when he
released me and turned to shut the door and I led him into the living
room where he collapsed wearily on my sofa.  I perched on the
cushioned arm next to him and stroked the mussed hair off his
forehead as he leaned his head back and sighed.  He did look
exhausted, I thought.  It had obviously been a long night for him.  I
had so many questions to ask him, beginning with an explanation of
his absence all night and most of today.  I parted my lips to speak
but thought better of it - and waited for him to tell me.

"I tried to talk Scully into going to the hospital but she was so
sick from the treatment she'd received; she begged me not to make her
go.  She fainted a couple of times on me - I was so worried about
her.  I couldn't help her, Lilly - she was vomiting and passing out
and in terrible pain and there wasn't a thing I could do for her
except hold her and pray she'd make it through.  And she did, thank
Christ - she made it.  I don't know what I would have done if I'd
lost her, last night."  I made sympathetic noises while Fox talked,
and tried not to feel jealous when the tears filling his eyes spilled
over and ran down his cheeks.  And even as I lambasted myself for
such rotten, selfish thoughts - I was thinking back on over two years 
of giving my all to this man and trying to remember if Fox had ever
cried for me.

Of course, he never had - because I'd never given him a reason to
cry.  I was just his healthy girlfriend... Dana Scully was his
terminally-ill partner.

Damn - there I went, again.  Jealousy was an ugly emotion and did
not become me.  Once more I reminded myself that I had everything
wonderful and good in my life, and Dana was nearing the end of hers. 
Regardless of her improvement last night the fact of her inoperable
tumor still remained.  Her days were numbered...

A few seconds after thinking that uncharitable thought, I
immediately chastised myself in self-loathing.  God, I was so low...
what was the matter with me!  Yes, I was a woman in love, and
insecure about the place I held in my lover's life.  But that was no
excuse for the sway of my thoughts. I cussed myself out so thoroughly
in my mind that I failed to hear Fox's next remark.

"I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to call you, Lilly.  I know you
were worried.  By the time Scully finally fell asleep, it was so
late... I assumed you'd probably be asleep and I would have hated to
wake you."

I gazed into his eyes; they were genuinely contrite.  Relieved, I
moved closer to Fox and he wrapped an arm around me and hugged me
close.  I sighed into his neck, leaning against his comforting warmth
and soaking up the sheer joy of being close to him.  God, I loved
this man so much -!  How I wished I'd been allowed to stay with him
last night when he'd had to tend to Dana.  I lifted my face from his
neck and he bent down to kiss me, the caress of his lips so gentle
and sweet.  I smiled up at him when he released my mouth.

"So, did you sit up all night, keeping watch over Dana?"  It would
be just like Fox to sacrifice sleep for his best friend, I thought -
and it would explain the traces of utter exhaustion I could still
detect in his eyes.  He didn't answer right away - and my smile
slipped a little when I saw a pink flush steal over his handsome
face.  My eyes narrowed; was that a... blush?  I looked closer,
noting the pink getting rosier as it centered high on each of his
cheeks.  It WAS a blush... Fox was blushing and acting flustered. 
And he wasn't looking me directly in the eyes - or answering my
question.  I sat up a little straighter, and stared at the pinkened
face of the man I adored - and I couldn't help but wonder...

Just where the hell HAD Fox slept - at Dana's, last night?

*****************

I didn't get any sleep.  I couldn't relax enough to get drowsy
enough to bypass my thoughts, enough to sleep...  I lay in the
darkness with Lilly beside me, and I thought of another woman, all
night.  

What sort of a bastard did that make me, I wondered?

Lilly wanted to know more about the other night than I was willing
to say.  I found myself being secretive, and rather lousy at it since
I'd really never had to hide anything from a woman before.  This was
the sort of thing you told your best friend... except my best friend
was rapidly becoming something much more than just a friend.  And my
feelings were compounding the predicament - and I am sure Lilly could
tell something was amiss.  I told myself I was still a relatively
free agent - that I had never lied to Lilly or given her any false
hopes.  And I hadn't - I had been honest with her, all this time. 
But that didn't make me feel any better.

I had managed to deflect most of Lilly's curiosity and I hadn't
liked doing that to her - but I could barely stand to think of how
confused I was feeling, much less hold a discussion with my
girlfriend centering around wildly unpredictable feelings for my
partner.  A conversation like that would have gone very bad, very
quickly...

I did the only thing I could think of doing, to stop the questions
and reassure Lilly - and perhaps, myself - that all was as well as it
could be.  I took her into my arms, there on her sofa - and I kissed
her gently.  Softly - carefully.  As lovingly as I could, for of
course I knew she needed to feel loved.  Don't we all... Trouble was,
I couldn't decide how much of what I felt for her was affection and
how much was an attempt to create romantic love between us.  Those
lines, unclear at best these past two years, had become hopelessly
blurred in just a few minutes - those few minutes I'd spent with
Scully in my arms.  

But I tried to put that behind me, I really did.  In the few seconds
before I embraced Lilly, I thought about my options, and tried to
imagine I was not being a selfish prick for doing so.  I kept
chanting to myself, 'Normal life, normal life...' as if it would be
some sort of magical mantra for me.  I saw before me a lovely woman
who had fallen in love with me and was just waiting for a decision
from me.  She would not push me, but her very attitude could
unknowingly send me in one direction or another - because I felt such
deep affection for her and the last thing I wanted to do was cause
her pain.  She wanted to make a future with me - perhaps babies, as
well - and I was willing to throw it all away because I didn't love
her - at least, not yet. 

When I was younger I'd often wondered just how long it would take me
to fall wildly in love with someone.  I don't doubt that 'love at
first sight' truly does exist for some people.  I imagined I would
fall somewhere in between the instant variety and longevity... two
years, to be exact.  I had to face facts:  if I'd been meant to fall
in love with Lilly it would have happened by now.  And although I
couldn't deny my feelings for her, I likewise couldn't ignore the
pain of knowing I was going to lose Scully, just when I had
discovered her.

But Scully would not let me have her.  Not when her future was so
shaky - when she had all but given up on finding a way to prolong
her life. 

Meanwhile, I faced the woman with whom I'd spent the last couple of
years, and knew she deserved far more than I'd been inclined to give
her.  But I would never know for sure about a future with her unless I
was willing to try.  So, I held Lilly and kissed her, feeling the
warmth and affection I always felt when I held her; enjoying her
delicate perfume and the feel of her silky hair under my hand. 
Familiar and dear to me, after two years of being with her... of
course it felt good.  I liked the way her fingers pressed against my
nape and the little sighs she breathed into my mouth as we kissed
more passionately.  I slid down into the sofa cushions and urged her
down next to me.  I wanted to show Lilly how I felt - I needed to let
her know that my affection for her ran deep.

Affection.  That's what it was, that's all I needed.  This I told
myself as I slipped my hands underneath her sweater and caressed her
breasts.  Soft, sweet breasts, rounded and full.  So much different
than - 

Shit!  Don't do this; don't go there, Asshole!  I closed my eyes and
concentrated on the lovely woman in my arms; the one who deserved all
my focus.  I could give her this, I thought - as I touched her and
caressed her and felt the way her breathing hitched and heard her
sighs.  I could give Lilly my focus and my caring and maybe - just
maybe - it would be enough.

Making love to Lilly had always been such a tender experience; she
was giving and generous and always made me feel very good.  I liked
being the center of her world, even though I sometimes felt guilt at
not being able to return the level of love she directed at me.  I had
never worried overmuch, when we made love, if my emotions were not as
minutely engaged.  I always figured it would come, that magical day
when I would look into her eyes and know I'd found my soul-mate.  I
always hoped such a moment would happen for me...

But I'd assumed it would happen with Lilly.  And it hadn't... and I
think she knew it.  But I tried, I really did - and she let me try. 
She responded to my kisses and my caresses and when I removed her
clothes she smiled at me with warm eyes and kissed me when I slipped
into her body.  I think she knew I wasn't completely with her, though
- at about the same moment I realized it too.  When I looked into her
eyes as I sank slowly within her; as I wound my fingers into her hair
and for several tell-tale moments I imagined my hands were winnowed
into red locks, instead of brown.  When for more long seconds I
stared into eyes that I tricked myself into believing were blue...
and as I thrust I fought the image floating before my tightly-closed
lids because in all my adult life I had never made love to one woman
while thinking of another... 

Not until now.  God, not until this moment.

Later I lay next to her and stared up at the ceiling and wondered if
she'd suspected that I'd had Scully in my mind even as I'd held Lilly
next to my pounding heart and underneath my driving body.  That it
had been Scully's face I'd seen when I'd shuddered in the throes of
my climax; Scully's name I'd bit back from shouting.  That I felt
like an utter shit for making love to one woman while I was dying
inside for another -

I could never let her know.  The guilt would kill me and cause her
so much pain - I would never tell her.  I would find a way to live
with the guilt I already felt; my punishment for what I saw as a
betrayal.  

I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep - and waited for morning.

*******************

~ Chapter Seven ~

Realizing I was in love with Mulder didn't mean that he didn't
still have the ability to drive me crazy.  The ringing phone in the
pre-dawn hours had startled me out of a deep sleep.  I was in a panic
as I called the airline and booked myself on the next flight.  I
pulled on a pair of white jeans and shrugged into a blazer as I
grabbed my keys and ran out of my apartment.

What the hell was Mulder doing in Rhode Island? I had wondered this
for what had to be the hundredth time as I squinted at the map I'd
picked up at the car rental counter.  Had he and Lillian gone away
for the weekend together?  That thought brought with it a flare of
jealousy that I hastily sought to shrug off.  I had been the one to
bring a halt to our embrace a few weeks ago.  I had sent him back
home to Lillian.  I blinked back an unwelcome tear as I reminded
myself that it was for the best.  I had more pressing matters on my
mind at the moment, namely why Mulder was holed up in a motel in
Rhode Island. Why hadn't he told me where he was going?

The truth was that Mulder and I had been very awkward around each
other ever since the kisses we shared in my kitchen.  I didn't know
what had been going through his mind after that morning, but I know
that my emotions had been off-kilter ever since.  I jumped wildly
from silly daydreams centered around the memory of his mouth on my
breasts - to jealousy at the thought of him doing the same thing with
Lillian - to a deep, black anger.  Of late, that had been the most
overwhelming emotion.  I was angry at the world.  Angry at my cancer;
angry with my doctors for not being able to find a way to save me;
angry that I had realized I was in love with Mulder at a time when
there was no hope for us; angry with Mulder for kissing me and
touching me and confusing me.  What did he feel for me?  Love? 
Pity?  

When we returned home from Rhode Island, my anger soared to new
heights.  Now that Mulder was safe, the reality of what he'd done
scared me to death.  Allowing someone to drill a hole in his head and
then drug him... what had he been thinking?

Trembling, I picked up the phone to call him.  

"Are you alone?" I asked when he answered the phone.  His voice was
groggy and I knew I had awakened him.  At the sound of my voice,
he was instantly alert.

"Scully?  What's wrong?"  I could hear the sheets rustle as he sat
up in bed.  I was hoping he was alone, but even if Lillian was there,
I was determined to speak with him.

"I'm fine, Mulder," I told him.  "I just wanted to talk to you."  I
tucked the phone under my chin and yanked a sweater from the back of
my sofa on my way out of my apartment.  "I'm coming over," I warned
him.

"Scully, wait!" Mulder said, confusion evident in his voice.  "Why
are you coming over to my apartment at - " There was a pause and I
pictured him squinting at the glowing red numbers of the digital
clock next to his bed. "Two o'clock in the morning?" he finished. 
"Are you sure you're okay?"  I could hear the mounting concern
in the tone of his voice.  "Maybe I should come over to your place
instead," he suggested.  

I was shaking my head as I slid the key into the lock of my car
door.  "Mulder, I'm already on my way," I told him.  There was no
need for him to know I was still parked outside of my building. 
I didn't want to have this conversation at my apartment surrounded by
pill bottles and thermometers and all of the other paraphernalia of
the sick.  I was still enjoying a longer than usual spell of good
health and I wanted Mulder to see me as the strong woman who had been
his partner for almost five years.

He had obviously been watching the window for my arrival because he
opened his apartment door just as I was stepping out of the elevator.
He held the door wide open and I slipped under his arm.  He closed
the door and turned to face me.

"Do you want anything to drink?" he asked.  I shook my head and saw
the way his eyes searched my face for some clue as to why I had
felt it necessary to wake him up and drive all the way over to his
apartment in the middle of the night.  Face-to-face with him, I
wasn't quite sure how to begin.

"No, thank you," I said as I slowly pulled my sweater off.  I sat
down on the sofa, perched on the edge of the leather cushion and
smoothed an imaginary wrinkle from the soft cotton of the sweater
draped across my knees.  "Is Lillian here?" I asked again, stalling
as I looked up at him.

Mulder dropped down onto the other end of the sofa and rubbed his
hands over his face.  "I know you didn't drive all the way over here
at two AM just to find out whether or not Lillian is here," he said
tiredly as he rolled his head against the back of the sofa to face me.

I sighed and nodded.  "No," I said quietly.  "I didn't."  He was
watching me with an expectant look on his face and I took a deep
breath.  "Why did you go to Rhode Island without telling me?" I asked
point-blank.  Mulder closed his eyes and shook his head.

"We've already had this discussion," he sighed.  I bit back a
sarcastic laugh as I remembered our supposed 'discussion' on the
short flight back to DC.  

"Yeah. You said you didn't remember.  And then you went to sleep," I
added, recalling the way he had shifted his head and shoulders away
from me in the cramped seats of the airplane, effectively shutting me
out and blocking any further attempts at continuing the conversation.
Mulder nodded again and opened his eyes.  

"That's right," he agreed.  "I told you that the last thing I
remembered was talking to you on Friday night.  The next thing I
knew, it was Sunday morning and I was calling you."  I pursed my lips
and scratched my nails over the buttons marching down the front of my
sweater. 

"But you've had some time to think about it," I pressed.  "So, do
you remember now why you went without telling me?"  I looked up but
he refused to meet my eyes.

"God, Scully," he mumbled, throwing his arm over his face.  "It was a
personal matter."  I ran my tongue over my lips and considered his
answer.

"Personal," I repeated.  He nodded from behind the arm shielding his
face.  I let the silence grow until he peeked out from behind his arm.
He glanced at the disbelieving look on my face and scowled.

"Scully, let it go already," he suggested in a low voice.  I shook
my head and continued to study him silently.  Mulder ground his teeth
together and glared at me from across the divide of the sofa.

"I told you, it was - "

"Personal," I interjected flatly.  He nodded again, now clearly
impatient.  I raised my brows and settled back against the sofa. 
Mulder took note of the body language that told him that I wasn't
planning on leaving until I got an answer that satisfied me. 
Scowling again, Mulder sat up straighter.

"Fine," he said, throwing his hands up into the air.  "I didn't tell
you because I knew you would insist on going with me and I thought
you should stay at home and rest!"  He stood up and planted both hands
on his hips in an 'are you happy now' stance.  I blinked at him once
and returned my gaze to the fascinating study of the knit of my
sweater.

"Well, that plan worked really well," I said sarcastically.  "Tell
me, Mulder.  Were you thinking of me when you were letting Dr.
Goldstein drill holes in your head?" I began harshly.  "What part of
you thought it would be a good idea to let him inject you with a
tranquilizer intended for ANIMALS?" I asked, my voice rising into a
near-shout.  I took a deep breath and tried to rein in my temper.

"Jesus," he breathed angrily.  "You know, believe it or not, this
had nothing to do with you!" he said harshly.  "It was about me!  My
family!  My sister!"  I nodded and closed my eyes as I gathered my
thoughts.

"Yes, Mulder.  I know that.  But you just sat here and told me you
specifically didn't let me know of your plans because you thought my
health would be better served by staying home and resting," I pointed
out.  "So, what I'm asking you is - at what point during the whole
head-drilling-tranquilizer-taking procedure did you think that you
wouldn't need me?"  I crossed my arms over my chest and waited for
his response.  

"I..." His mouth opened and closed futilely as he tried to come up
with a response.  I tilted my head to the side and pressed on.

"I'm still your partner - aren't I?" I asked calmly, striving for a
rational tone.  Mulder pinched the bridge of his nose between his
thumb and forefinger and I watched him visibly force back his anger
as he nodded tersely.  My head bobbed up and down as I continued to
push my point at him.

"You went up there alone because you knew I wouldn't approve," I
said and paused again for his response.  He continued to knead his
forehead with his fingertips and once again a brief nod was his only
reply.

"But in the back of your mind, you were counting on me to come up
there if you needed me," I ventured, knowing I was right.  Mulder
heaved out a long sigh and opened his eyes.

"Yes," he was grudging as his eyes locked onto mine briefly before
skittering away.  "I knew you would come if I needed you," he told 
me.  Then it was my turn to close my eyes and sigh.  I leaned 
forward and clasped my hands between my legs.

"Mulder," I began softly.  "You can't keep taking these chances with
your life.  I'm not always going to be here to save you," I reminded
him.  He sucked in a deep breath and his head snapped back in shock. 

"Dammit," he hissed before stalking into the kitchen.  I knew he
hated discussing the implications of my failing health.  In fact,
I'd decided to spare him the results of my last appointment with my
oncologist who believed it was only a matter of time before the
cancer would metastasize... that there was, in fact, very little
hope.  But I had to make Mulder understand that he couldn't keep
inviting trouble the way he has done throughout the course of our
partnership.  That unless he had a death wish, he couldn't keep
putting his life on the line the way he had done a few days ago.  I
bit my lip as a sudden, unwelcome thought flashed through my head.  I
stood and followed him into the kitchen.

"Mulder," I called in a soft voice.  He had his hands braced on the
counter and his head hung down to his chest.  I walked slowly across
the yellowed linoleum to lay my hand between his shoulders.  He
flinched at my touch and didn't lift his head.  I stroked my hand
over the column of his spine as I spoke.

"You went back to Dr. Goldstein a second time," I said as I slowly
picked my way through the jumble of terrifying thoughts crowding my
head.  "Even though I had already told you that the treatments could
kill you... even though as a result of the treatments you couldn't
remember the events of more than the prior twenty-four hours. I
watched you rolling around in agony..." I choked on the memory of
Mulder clutching his head in pain and my fingers tightened on his
back.  "You let Dr. Goldstein treat you again, even though you knew
that Amy Cassandra died as a direct result of her exposure to the
Ketamine."  I worried my bottom lip between my teeth as I forced out
the last of my thoughts.

"When I found you at the summer house, swaying... with that gun
pointed at your head..." I pushed my face down next to his, trying to
force him to look at me.  "Mulder," I swallowed harshly before
continuing.  "Mulder, you don't have a death wish... do you?" I
asked - hating the timid tone in my voice but deathly afraid of his
answer.

Mulder turned his face toward mine and I was chilled by the bleak
look I saw in his eyes.  It was only evident for a moment and
then his eyes cleared, but his smile was forced when he replied. 
"Scully, I won't leave you.   Don't worry about me."

I opened my mouth to argue further, realizing immediately that he'd
avoided my real question.  I was worried about what would happen to
him after I was gone.  Who would take care of him?  Who would watch
his back?  I was still angry at the idea of his treating his life so
cavalierly that he would allow such brutal experimentation in his
search for the truth as he saw it.  Who would talk sense into him
when I am no longer here to do it?  I suspected Mulder had kept
this part of his life separate from the life he shared with Lillian. 
To this day, I don't know how much she understood about our work and
Mulder's quest and the constant threat to our lives.

Mulder pushed away from the counter and straightened his back,
drawing himself up to his full height.  His eyes were shuttered and I
knew he had closed himself off to further discussion of the matter. 
I reached out with one hand and he caught it in his own, pulling me
out of the kitchen behind him.  He led me back to the sofa and I
thought I'd been wrong - maybe he was willing to discuss it
further.  Instead, he leaned forward and lifted my sweater from the
sofa cushion.  Releasing my hand, he held the sweater up so that I
could slip my arms into the sleeves.

"Mulder," I protested, but he only shook his head and concentrated
on fastening the top button.  He looked up and I watched his eyes
rove over my face for a moment before he spoke.

"It's late," he said in low, rumbling voice.  "And you should be
home sleeping," he chided as he led me toward the door.  "Shall I
drive you home?"  I hung my head for a moment, resigned to the fact
that I wasn't going to get any more answers out of him tonight.

"No," I said softly as I lifted my keys from the table near the
front door.  "I'll be fine," I promised.  He nodded and followed me
out into the hallway.  We waited for the elevator in silence.  Mulder
walked me several yards down the street to where my car was parked
and waited until I was settled behind the steering wheel before
turning back toward his apartment building.   I pulled out of my
parking space and brought the car to a halt when I drew near the
entrance to his building.  His face was hidden in the shadows and I
felt a wrenching pain around my heart.  Standing in the darkened
doorway, he looked so alone as he lifted his hand in farewell.  I
couldn't bear to leave him there... where would I find the strength
to let go when the time came?

********** 

More than two weeks had passed since the last time Fox and I had
made love.  Although his touches had brought me so much pleasure, I
sensed he wasn't completely with me... that he had left a part
of himself back at Dana's.  Something was off and I couldn't put my
finger on it.  Afterwards, he held me so gently in his arms and
whispered beautiful nonsense into my ears, but I'd felt the first
truly visible crack had appeared in the foundation of our
relationship that evening.

Fox had to leave town almost immediately after that.  He said
something about Alaska and the Yukon Territory in a hurried telephone
conversation as he explained that he would call me when he returned
home.  I had received two short e-mails from him during his absence
and I took heart in the knowledge that he knew I was worried and that
he had made an effort to allay those fears.  When I returned from
lunch this afternoon I found a voice mail message from him.  I waited
all night for some further word from him but he never called.  Tired
of waiting for him to come to me, I decided to drive over to see him.
If he was already asleep, I would simply curl up beside him
and we could talk in the morning.  If he was awake and willing to
talk, I was determined to find out where we stood.  I knew that it
would be selfish of me to demand he stop spending time with
Dana.  They needed each other, now more than ever.  But I needed to
know how he felt about me.  I thought perhaps if I'd felt like I was
on
firmer ground with regards to my place in his life, it would be
easier for me to be charitable about the time he spent with her.  I
hated the feelings of shame and guilt that swept over me every time I
thought of how much easier and more stable my life would be when she
no longer needed him.  But most of all, I needed to know I
wouldn't be competing with a ghost when the time came for him to say
goodbye.

I parked on the street and thumbed the remote control dangling from
my key chain to arm the car alarm.  I was fumbling for the key to his
apartment in my purse as I hurried down the street toward his
building.  I looked up to see Fox run out of the front door and turn
in the other direction.

"Fox!" I shouted.  He didn't respond and I broke into a run.  "Fox! 
Wait!" I called as I dashed after him.  His long, loping stride
faltered and as he spun toward the sound of my voice I stopped dead
in my tracks, shocked by the light from the street lamp glinting off
the barrel of the gun he held in his right hand.  I'd never seen his
gun out of its holster before.  He was at my side in seconds and I
felt the cold steel of the gun against my back as he yanked me into
his arms.

"Lilly!  God!  What are you doing here?" he asked.  His voice was
rough and I could feel his heart pounding against the wall of his
chest.  His manner was frightening and I pushed out of his embrace
to look into his face.  What I saw there shocked me even more than
the sight of the gun that seemed to fit so comfortably in his hand. 
His eyes were feral... murderous - and for the very first time since
I had met him, I realized I was looking at Mulder...  

Not my Fox, but Dana Scully's Mulder.  

"What is it?" I cried out and the fear choking me must have
been evident. His face softened fractionally and I could feel
the man I knew as Fox, in the hand that stroked roughly through my
hair.

"Nothing... everything," he muttered distractedly as he clasped my
hand and dragged me back to my car by my hand.  I stumbled along
behind and he took the keys from my other hand and disarmed the alarm
before swinging the door open.  I dug my heels into the pavement as
he tried to muscle me into the car.

"Fox! Stop it!" I gasped as I grabbed him by the forearms. 
"Please, tell me what's wrong."  My breath was coming in rapid pants
and I looked at him pleadingly.  He heaved out a sigh and cupped my
face in his hands.  Beneath the rage simmering in his eyes, I saw a
look of desolation so deep that my first instinct was to assume that
Dana had passed away.  But the gun in his hand and the angry ticking
along his jaw line told me otherwise.

"Everything is going to be okay," he told me.  I swallowed hard at
the implication that everything was not okay now.  He dipped his head
to position his eyes on a level with mine; his voice brooked no
argument.  "I want you to go home," he said and he stroked his thumbs
over my cheeks.  "Go home and lock your doors and windows and don't
answer the door for anyone but me," he ordered.  "On second thought,"
he continued, "I'd feel better if you went to stay with your
grandmother."  I could feel the blood draining from my head and I
must have swayed slightly because his hands dropped from my face to
my shoulders.

"Lilly!"  His voice was urgent, hands tightening their grip on me.  I

shook my head to clear it and nodded to let him know I was all
right.  

"What is it?" I whispered.  "Are you in danger?"  My lip quivered
and I bit down on it to stop the betraying tremble.  Fox leaned close
and brushed his lips over mine softly.

"I'll be fine," he said.  "And so will you, Lilly."  His hands
slipped back up to tunnel into my hair.  "This is just a precaution. 
I'll call you as soon as I can," he promised.  His lips met mine
again and this time his kiss was warm and lingering.

"Go, Lilly," he whispered against my mouth.  I nodded and checked
back the tears that threatened to spill down my cheeks.  I sank down
behind the steering wheel and Fox watched while I fastened my
seat-belt.

"Please be careful," I begged as I turned my face up to his.  He
nodded and braced his hand on the door as he bent close to me again.  

"Are you okay to drive yourself?" he asked and his lips quirked up
in a tiny smile when I nodded resolutely.  "Okay." He straightened. 
"Drive carefully, Lilly.  And remember what I told you."  I nodded,
frightened anew at his ominous warning. His smile comforted me. 
"I'll call you," he said as he pushed the car door closed.

I willed my hands to stop shaking as I twisted the key in the
Ignition.  When the car rumbled to life, Fox stepped back from the
curb.  As I drove down the street, I watched in my rearview mirror as
he began to lope toward his car again and I shuddered anew when I once
again saw the light playing off his gun.

Hours later, the sun was peeking through the blinds as I sat in the 
rocking chair in my old bedroom and idly picked at the threads of the 
afghan I had thrown over my legs.  Fox's warning tone had frightened 
me, enough to cause me to drive directly to Gran's from his
apartment.  

I had called her from my cell phone to let her know I was on my way 
and she was in the kitchen laying out the teacups and a plate of
cookies when I arrived.  There wasn't much for me to tell her as 
Fox had not been very forthcoming about what was going on but 
sipping tea in Gran's cozy, warm kitchen was comforting.  When 
I caught Gran fighting back a yawn, I insisted that we try to get 
some sleep.  I could hear her rhythmic breathing coming from the 
room next to mine where she slept, but I was too nervous to join 
her in slumber.

When my cell phone trilled, I pounced on it.

"Hello?" I asked breathlessly.  I closed my eyes with relief when I
heard Fox's voice over the line.

"Lilly?" he asked.  "Are you okay?"  I pulled my feet up onto the
chair and drew the afghan up to my chin, reveling in the loving
concern evident in his voice.

"I'm fine," I reassured him.  "I took your advice and went to
Gran's."  I paused for a moment before continuing.  "Fox, what about
you?  Are you all right?"  I could hear the sound of traffic in the
background and I knew he was calling me from his car.  "Where are
you?" I asked.  "Can you come over here so that we can talk?"  There
was a long silence and I knew the answer before he spoke.

"I can't Lilly," he said and the regret in his voice was genuine. 
"There's so many things going on... things that I can't explain right
now."

"Try me Fox," I implored.  "I'm a good listener."  I was mentally
pleading for him to come to me but I knew from the tone of his voice
that he wouldn't be coming.

"Oh sweetheart," he sighed.  "I know you are.  Listen, I need you to
trust me until this is over.  Can you do that?" he asked solemnly. 
Inanely I nodded as if he could somehow see the gesture through the 
phone, and was startled when he called my name impatiently.

"Lilly?"  

"Fox, yes of course I trust you."  I wanted so badly to know what
was going on.  

"Good," he said.  "I can't tell you everything right now, but what I
can tell you is that Scully and I have cause to believe that her
cancer was given to her by some of the people that we have been
investigating for the last few years," he told me.  I pulled the
phone away from me ear and looked at it in shock.  What?


"Fox, that's... that's... crazy," I spluttered.  "No one gives you
cancer!" I protested.  "And besides why would anyone do that?"  I was
afraid that grief had caused him to become delusional about Dana's
condition.

"Oh, Lilly," he said so softly that I almost didn't hear him at
first.  "There is so much evil in this world, so many horrors... you
can't even imagine," he murmured.  "But Scully and I - we've seen
this evil firsthand many times."  I didn't know what to say to that.
I knew he was right.  I'd seen the bleak look in his eyes many
times when he and Dana had returned home after investigating a case. 
Sometimes it took days for him to decompress.  

"...go away for a few days."  Blinking, I pulled myself back to the
present and the conversation I was holding with Fox.  "If someone was
capable of making Scully this sick, then someone has to be able to
cure her as well," he said.  I ran my hand over my face, trying to
figure out what he was telling me.

"Wait," I said.  "Wait. Fox, did you say you were going away?"  This
conversation was making me dizzy - I was having a terrible time
trying to wrap my brain around it as Fox leapt from one crazy topic
to another.

"Lilly," he asked.  "Do you have any vacation time coming up?"  My
heart was pounding as he asked, but I couldn't figure out what he was
up to.

"Yes, Fox. I have plenty of time left for the year," I told him.  

"Good," he said.  I need your help."  Over the next fifteen minutes
Fox laid out an insane plan... pretending to be dead so that he
could search for the men he believed had given Dana her terrible
disease. To assure the plan's success, though, I had to pretend he
was dead as well, which meant taking a couple of days off from work. 
No one would believe that I would go into the office if Fox were dead.

"It might have been better if I didn't tell you about this plan,"
Fox said cautiously.  "But I didn't want you to hear that I was dead.
I couldn't do that to you." Confused, I tried to get him to promise
to call me so I would know that he WAS alive and only pretending to
be dead.  

"I'll try," he said quietly.  "I can't guarantee that I'll call you
directly though. I promise I'll get word to you somehow," he vowed. 
Before I knew it, I was agreeing to his plan.

When Fox disconnected the call, I set my phone down and looked
across the room at the bed in the corner and I knew that a good
night's sleep wouldn't be possible... not until I knew Fox was safe.

**************************

In retrospect I suppose my actions the previous day had been
reminiscent of the worst sort of madman - but at the time I was too
panicked to give much of a shit.  I laid my head down on the pillow
in the silent and darkened hospital room and watched Scully slumber,
knowing it would be a long night and not caring because it was the
only place I wanted to be, right now.

Yesterday - I would call it "Hospital Visit Number One", I had
torn through the parking lot like that afore-mentioned madman,
almost wiping myself out on several parked cars, before slamming to a
stop in a space reserved for 'Medical Staff'.  If my car got towed,
who the fuck cared?  I was so frightened...

Not bothering with the elevator I'd taken the stairs two at a time
and burst through the double doors, ignoring the stares of shock as a
few fellow agents who'd thought I was dead reacted to seeing me very
much alive.  Of course they tried to stop me from seeing my partner -
and I let them succeed, that first time.  I didn't want to add to
Scully's already over-stressed situation by acting like a pathetic
jerk in front of her doctors and colleagues; even though I did
resemble one, much of the time.  I let Skinner and two other agents
take me out of there, figuring I'd get my chance to come back and see
her.  But the glimpse I got of my partner in ICU... well, it about
killed me.  

Everything I knew about my feelings for Scully, and a few of the
clouded issues about which I'd been unsteady - all of it came into
sharp focus when I sat with her much later the next night, holding her
hand and communing with her on more than a verbal level.  At first
Scully had wanted me to go home and get some rest.  As if, Partner...

"Mulder, come on.  Those dark circles under your eyes now extend
all the way to your nostrils.  I am not even going to ask you when
you slept last.  Please, go home and do that little thing, okay? 
I'll be fine.  Mom's coming back and she'll stay with me.  Bill may
also come back later, although I'd almost rather he stay away." 
Scully's eyes were as dark-ringed as I knew mine had to be; she was
pale to the point of being translucent and her voice came out on a
soft, blurred thread of sound - but I had never seen a more beautiful
sight in my life.  Life pulsed under the delicate skin of the hand I
held clasped in both of mine, and that's what mattered now.  I didn't
want to leave her - I was the only person in her sphere right now who
believed she would beat this, somehow - would live.  As much respect
as I had for her mother, Maggie Scully seemed ready to commit her
daughter into the hands of Heaven - and so did brother Bill.  Scully
didn't need that sort of defeatist attitude right now.  

"Scully, I'm not going anywhere.  I have a blank dance-card and
that's how it's gonna stay.  I'll share your Jell-O and apple juice
dinner and we'll watch the tube a bit, and if you're really lucky -
or unlucky, depending on your musical tastes - I'll even sing you a
lullabye..."  Her tired snicker and mumble of protest made me grin
like a baboon.

"Ooo, lucky me, indeed, Mulder.  Seriously," her eyes were fighting
the urge to droop as she stared at me, "I know you must have things
to do, people to see - when was the last time you spoke to Lillian? 
Does she know what's been going on, lately?"  I returned her sleepy
gaze with one purposely vague, and tried not to lie to Scully as I
avoided telling her everything.

"I've told her a little.  I asked her to assist in the 'game' by
taking a day or two off from work and pretend to mourn me. I suppose
you could say I implicated her in our deception.  But I didn't give
her any information other than that, Scully."  At the sad shaking of
her head, I broke off and wisely shut up.  Scully laid a hand over
mine as it rested on the blanket next to her, and in her voice I
heard a new note of worry and concern.

"Mulder, you were right to keep the bulk of this from her, but she
has to be worried out of her mind about you.  I know I'd be, if it
were me.  Why don't you just go home and spend some time with her?  I
told you, Mom will be here."  Scully pressed my hand, then placed her
palm against my chest and tried to give me a little incentive push. 
It was about as effective as a gnat trying to push Mt. McKinley - I
was not budging.  I covered her pushing hand with mine to still it,
and felt the way her fingers trembled a little under mine.  My voice
came out on a determined rush.

"I'm NOT going.  I'm not letting your mother and your brother Bill
hang out here tonight and go tearing off down the hall for the priest
every time your vitals fluctuate as the result of you burping up 
Jell-O.  Forget it.  They can camp out here another time, okay?"  I
reinforced my decision by moving from the bedside chair to the edge
of her bed, settling myself comfortably next to her and maneuvering
her gently until she lay nestled in one arm, head leaning back into
my shoulder.  If I lowered my cheek I could rest it against her soft
hair, and I did just that, briefly, before reaching for the remote
with my free hand and clicking on 'Lifetime'.  Scully's snort of
disbelief sounded so blessedly normal and Scully-ish that for a
moment I could forget that we weren't sitting on her sofa together,
or in my apartment on my lumpy excuse for a piece of furniture.

"'Lifetime', Mulder?  Now I know you're coddling me - you hate this
channel."  I grinned and dropped a careful kiss into her hair, and
felt her lean and relax until I was bearing her full weight in my
arms.  In the dimness of her hospital room we watched TV and as far
as I was concerned it was any other night in the life of Mulder and
Scully.

*************************


I exited the elevator on Dana's floor and walked slowly down the
silent corridor, peeking into open doors and tiptoeing past rooms
that held sleeping patients.  I knew the general vicinity of her
room, and I knew when I got there I would most likely find Fox as
well.  

I hadn't seen much of him lately, and of course I understood why. 
Dana was getting worse.  Whatever treatment she was receiving must
not have been working very well, because although Fox spoke of her
progress in positive terms, I could see the truth in his eyes.  Those
clear hazel eyes... they didn't hide much.  I had been looking into
them for over two years - I felt I knew them.  I saw sadness and 
worry and the imminent knowledge of loss, and my heart ached for 
the man I loved because he was going to lose someone he cared 
about.  And I felt sadness, too - for the waste of a young, vital 
life to the insidious monster called cancer.  

I let some time go by before I decided to visit Dana, knowing that
she needed her rest and figuring that Fox would comfort her the most.
I tried not to mind the hours he spent at her bedside, but I worried
for his health.  He wasn't eating much and I knew he wasn't
sleeping well either.  Fox had lost weight and his exhaustion
was evident.  I was worried but I accepted the fact that he would
have to work this out by himself.  I could only be there for him when
he needed someone to talk to.

I had to work late but hoped that Dana would still be awake, and
that the nurses wouldn't mind another visitor.  I also hoped to
persuade Fox to come home with me and try to eat something and maybe
even get some sleep.  After searching a few minutes I found the right
corridor and headed for Room 357H, getting a better grip on the
balloons in my hand as I felt the strap of my purse slip off my
shoulder.  I looked up at the balloons, glad to have bought them
instead of yet another flower arrangement which Fox had assured me
already overflowed Dana's room.  But he added that no one had thought
of balloons, and these were particularly charming.  One in the shape
of a colorful butterfly and the other a dramatic dragonfly, I thought
they might make Dana smile.

Rounding Corridor H east, I easily spotted Dana's room and moved to
the doorway.  I could hear the murmur of voices... With a smile on my
face I started to walk in - and then stopped dead in my tracks, just
outside the half-open door, in the shadows where the occupants of
that room would not see me.  In a dim corner of my mind I registered
my hand opening and letting go of the balloons; I suppose they must
have drifted to the ceiling to hover, the way butterflies and
dragonflies were meant to.  I couldn't look up to see; my stare was
riveted to the tableau inside the hospital room.

The bed was indeed surrounded by flowers, sitting on the night
stands and even on the rollaway table next to where Fox was sitting. 
On the bed, where he was sitting - holding Dana in his arms.  Her
head was on his shoulder and turned just enough for me to see fully
into her face, although from this angle Fox's lowered head would not
allow me to see his face as well.  And I was glad I could not... for
the expression I saw, there on Dana, was enough.

In the soft light of her hospital room Dana's eyes were lifted to
Fox and it was obvious to me she was staring deeply into his own. 
Even from here I could see the love burning there; it was so blatant.
One of her thin, pale hands rested on the arm wrapped around her and
I watched as if in a daze as his long fingers stroked through her red
hair.  Gently... carefully.  Even from the doorway I could see how
careful he was, how reverent.  The soft voices floating over to me
were too low to make out any specific words, but I saw Dana nod, and
smile up into the face of the man I loved - 

The man she loved.  My God, it was all there for me to see; how
could I have been so obtuse?  I could only hazard a guess as to how
long she'd loved him, in ways other than a friend.  I reckoned quite
a while, for the depth of emotion I saw in her shining eyes had to
have been growing for more than just a few weeks, or months.  Dana
was in love with Fox, and suddenly it did not matter whether or not
she was gravely ill - because the hand moving over her hair was the
most loving hand I had ever witnessed.  I could see it from here - I
could feel it as well.  I knew the capacity of those hands; I had
been the lucky recipient of their tenderness for these past few
years.  

But this was different.  This was much more than one friend
comforting and aiding another; this was more than partners huddling
together and reminiscing about their grand times.  These two people
adored each other; it was there in his fingers and in her eyes.  I
cursed myself for being a blind fool, as my vision blurred and the
tears ran hot and scalding down my cheeks.  I felt fright such as I
have never felt before in my life - fright and panic that I was
losing Fox, the overwhelming anxiety of it all wrapped up into a lump
that settled within my throat and threatened to suffocate me.  I
could not breathe; I spun on a heel and ran down the silent corridor,
somehow inanely remembering to run on my tiptoes so that my heels
would not clack and alert anyone to my presence.  

I did not want Fox to know what I had seen - I could not let Dana
witness my ravaged face.  A woman would read another so well, at a
time like this; it was what we women did.  I ran to the elevator and
jumped on, blindly pushing at buttons until I found the one that
closed the doors.  As it began to move I slumped against the far 
wall and slid down until I hit the floor, finally releasing the 
clogging tears from my aching throat.  The elevator was slow and 
I cried all the way down to the lobby, only scrabbling to my feet 
when I realized someone could be standing there at the door when 
it opened and would surely wonder about the crazy woman sobbing 
on the floor.

I walked out the double doors and through the well-lit parking lot,
numb.  I began the search for my car and walked in circles through
the rows of parked cars a good five minutes before I remembered that
I'd taken a taxi instead of driving.  Sighing wearily, I slogged back
to the main entrance and found a waiting cab; told the driver my
address and leaned my head against the padded seat.  

All the way back to my apartment I brooded over what I had seen,
finally coming to the unwelcome conclusion that Fox most likely
didn't realize the depth and timbre of his love.  Hopeless, to be
sure - for Dana was slipping away and there wasn't a thing to be done
about it.  But I was very attuned to him, and I could see - had in
that moment of involuntary voyeurism delved far enough into his soul
to know that he loved her in a way he could never love me.  And I
asked myself if, when Dana did pass on, could Fox ever see me in any
other light?  I thought about it as I rode through the streets back
to my place, wondering if I should wait and see... injured pride
telling me it was time to get out... my heart knowing that I could
not give up yet.  

Very soon, Fox would need someone to listen to his grief and to
offer him a shoulder and a loving embrace.  As long as he was in need
of me I would never just let it go - I couldn't.  As the taxi pulled
up to the curb in front of my building and I climbed out and paid my
fare, I told myself I would always be there.

Where else, after all, should I be?  I was a woman in love.

******************

~ Chapter Eight ~ 

He wasn't sleeping well.  Of course, that was assuming he'd
been sleeping at all.  He divided his time between sitting on the
edge of my hospital bed and God only knows where else.  Mulder had
been pretty closed-mouthed about what he did when he wasn't camped
out in my room, but if the dark circles under his eyes were any
indication, he wasn't getting any rest...

I glanced at the clock on the wall.  Almost five o'clock.  He would
be arriving shortly.  I noticed early on that he had taken to timing
his visits around mealtimes.  He would perch on the edge of the bed
and try coaxing me into eating.  If it didn't work, he would
pout, bully or plead with me to eat something, anything.  The
pleading was most effective and despite the ever-present, underlying
nausea that had robbed me of my appetite, I usually succumbed to the
imploring look in his eyes as I choked down a few bites of food.

I reached into the small drawer of the wheeled tray next to my bed
and pulled out a small mirror and brush.  I gently stroked the brush
through my hair, smoothing it and pushing it behind my ears,
studiously ignoring the strands of red tangled in the brush as I laid
it back into the drawer.  I raised the head of the bed and smoothed
the sheets over my lap, grimacing as I realized that I was primping
for Mulder.   Well, why not? I thought defensively.  I was tired of
seeing the sad look creep into his eyes every day when he first saw
me.  He always covered it quickly with a smile but I saw it lurking
there each time his eyes roved over my face, taking note of the
pallor of my skin, the shadows under my eyes.  Tonight - I just
wanted to enjoy his company.  I touched my fingers to the tiny bandage
covering the back of my neck.  Dr. Zuckerman had given me the result
of the PET scan I had undergone earlier today.  The chip - whatever
it was - didn't seem to be working. The scan showed no improvement -
my cancer was still spreading rapidly and I knew I didn't have a lot
of time left.

A sound outside of my door caught my attention and I took a deep
breath and composed my features.  The smile that spread over my face
was happy and genuine as Mulder stepped into view.

"Hi," he said as he crossed the room.  I scooted over, making room
for him on the bed next to me.  He put a small brown bag down onto
the bedside table and sank down into his spot as I tilted my face up
to his.  From the moment he first found me in the hospital earlier
this week, he has greeted me with a kiss.  His lips glanced off the
corner of my mouth and my lips curved upward in response.

"You look good," he smiled as he took one of my hands into his.  I
grinned, happy that I had taken the time earlier to fix my hair.  The
door swung open again and an orderly came in bearing my dinner.  He
set it down on the wheeled table and quickly left the room.  Mulder
wiggled his eyebrows comically as he lifted the plastic lid from the
tray.

"What do we have tonight?" he asked as he perused the meal spread
out over the tray.  I ignored the food, choosing instead to
concentrate on his face while he was distracted.  

"Mmmm," he said theatrically.  "Broiled chicken and rice," smacking
his lips and making 'yummy' noises.  I snorted and he looked up with
a smile.

"Tell you what," he was persuasive as he pushed the fork toward me. 
"If you eat at least half of that," he nodded toward the chicken, "I
won't make you eat the green Jell-o."  His tongue slipped out of his
mouth as he mock-gagged at the sight of the slimy, wiggly dessert.

"Mulder..." I began.  I really wasn't hungry but at least today the
mere smell of the food didn't make me sick.  I knew that I would give
in and eat and so did he.  But I had to lodge a protest if only for
the principle of it.  He shook his head and picked up the bag he had
brought with him.  

"At least half," he said again as he opened the bag.  "I brought you
a treeeaaat," he sing-songed.  I licked my lips and jutted my chin
toward the bag.

"What is it?" I asked suspiciously.  I'd wait to know what was
inside the bag before I caved in.  Mulder dug his hand down into the
bag and ceremoniously withdrew a small plastic tray covered in
cellophane.

"Lady Fingers," he crowed, waving the small package temptingly under
my nose.  I took the package into my hands and smoothed my fingers
over the label, blinking back tears.  It was silly really, to cry
over his gift, but the fact he remembered that I'd once told 
him of my mother's habit of supplying me with the bland little cakes
to eat when I wasn't feeling well touched me deeply. Keeping my head
lowered, I laid  the package on the bed and picked up my fork.  When 
my features were composed once again, I looked up at him.

"Half of everything?" I asked.  "Or just the chicken?"  Mulder
glanced over the tray of food and pursed his lips as if it was a
matter worthy of the deepest concentration.

"Well..." he began consideringly.  "Half of the chicken and the
rice," he suggested.  "But I won't make you eat this vegetable-like
substance."  He poked a finger at the small plastic cup that held an
unappealing glob of mixed vegetables.

"Thanks so much," I muttered as I lifted the first bite of chicken
to my mouth.  Out of the corner of my eye, I watched him pull a tea
bag from its paper envelope and dunk it into a cup of hot water
before adding a teaspoon of sugar and a drop or two of creamer.  Just
the way I liked it...  I forced the chicken down past the lump in my
throat and took the teacup from his hand.

"Thank you," I whispered, as I took a sip of tea.  After just a
couple of mouthfuls, I was already tired.  Mulder picked up the knife
and fork and cut the chicken into small pieces.  He stabbed a bite of
chicken onto the fork and for a moment, I thought he was going to
feed me.  He hesitated and then held the fork out to me.

"Just a couple more bites," he said encouragingly.  I took a deep
breath and continued eating under his watchful gaze.  I hadn't quite
reached Mulder's goal of half, but I couldn't choke down another bite
and I laid the fork onto the tray with a sigh.

"Close enough," he said as he put the plastic lid over the tray and
pushed it to one side.  He lifted the teacup again and held it out to 
me and I wrapped my fingers around the cup, absorbing the warmth
through my fingertips.  

"Is something going on?" I asked.  While he had been covering the
tray and straightening my blankets, his eyes had been distant and
pensive.  I knew the look well.  It was the look that told me he had
something on his mind and was brooding over it.  "You can tell me," I
encouraged as I set the cup down and laid my hand over his.  Mulder
nodded and turned his hand over, lacing his fingers with mine.

"I know," he said softly.  "I'm not ready to talk about it yet," he
said.  "Soon.  I'll tell you soon," he promised.  I wanted to inform
him that I didn't know how much time I had left, but I didn't want to
ruin the evening.  Instead I tightened my fingers around his.

"Can I have my Lady Fingers now?" I asked, deliberately lightening
the mood.  He grinned and picked up the package.  I let go of his hand
and he tore the cellophane open and lifted one small cake out of the
tray, tearing it in half.  He held one half of the treat to my lips
and I opened my mouth, savoring the bland yet sweet taste as the
light sponge cake melted on my tongue.  Mulder popped the other half
of the cake into his mouth and chewed.  He screwed his face up and
picked up another cake, studying it closely.

"It needs a cream filling," he pronounced gravely.  I snatched the
small, golden cake from his hand.

"Then it would be a Twinkie," I told him reprovingly.  Mulder nodded
and smiled.

"Exactly!" he exclaimed.  I huffed out a breath and took another
bite.  As I chewed, Mulder leaned forward and ran his thumb over the
corner of my mouth.

"Crumb," he explained quietly.  He kept his hand curved over my
cheek and I leaned into the warmth of his palm.  My heart
constricted as I stared at him... and suddenly I hoped that Mulder
was right in his belief in spirits and ghosts.  If I had to leave him
behind in this world, I wanted to be able to come back and be with 
him from another.

Mulder set the tray of Lady Fingers aside and scooted closer. 
Wrapping his arms around me, he pulled me against his chest.  I
curled my arms about his waist and buried my face in the collar of
his shirt, breathing in his scent, memorizing the feel of his flesh
and bones beneath my hands, absorbing him into my soul to take with
me when I had to go.  His hands stroked over my back and he rested
his cheek on the crown of my head.  We rocked slowly together and I
stifled a yawn against his chest.

"Go to sleep," he whispered.  I nestled closer and let my body grow
limp in his embrace.

"Stay until I'm asleep?" I asked around another yawn.

"I'll be here," he promised.  Knowing he would keep his promise, I
let sleep claim me.


*******************

My legs felt like lead as I forced one foot in front of the other. 
Climbing stairs when I could have taken the elevator, but I welcomed
the ache.  Pain meant that at least I was feeling something; at least
some part of my body had life.  Not my heart, though... not that
vital organ. Oh, it still beat and pushed blood throughout my system,
but that was about it.  

I rubbed at my aching eyes and came away with a wet hand.  The tears
must have been pouring down my face; no wonder the cabbie had been
staring at me on the ride over.  And I thought I'd cried it all out
at Scully's bedside... guess not.  Jesus, what a difference in
mindset between one night and another.  I'd left my apartment with
hope curving a smile on my lips and I was coming back to it in utter
despair.  Wearily I climbed the stairs.

I had pinned all those former hopes on the promise of a tiny chip
implant holding the magic cure for Scully's rapidly-spreading cancer.
So desperately eager to hear a voice, any voice, telling me that all
would be well - even if that voice had the sibilant hiss of Satan
himself.  Smokie had made yet another worthless promise and I'd leapt
right onto it with both feet poised for action.  I'd spent the better
half of the night on my knees beside Scully's bed, crying my despair
onto her small hand; she'd never stirred once.  Heavily-sedated, I
knew she would not awaken even though every cell in my body screamed
for her to open those blue, blue eyes of hers and shine some sort of
reassuring gaze on me.  

I had slipped gently trembling fingers underneath her hair, needing
to feel the tiny incision on her neck and acknowledge the presence of
that damn chip - the one that didn't seem to be working.  Another red
herring, white elephant, whatever I could call it - just another
placebo.  It was not helping and I knew it.  Scully knew it - and so
did her family.  Perhaps that was the worst of all; that I'd made a
promise to her family and now it was as though I couldn't deliver.

I'd once more lowered my face to her hand and cried against the cool
skin.

Now I walked slowly down my hallway and rubbed at my face with hands
that shook.  And they shook with anger as much as anything else.  In
those brief seconds before I reached my door I knew I would never
want to lay eyes on that smoking bastard again, for if I did I would 
surely kill him and subsequently spend my remaining days in prison
for murder.  I managed to unlock my door without dropping my key, and
walked in without bothering to put on a light.  So tired... God.  I
shuffled to my bedroom, tugging at my shirt -

Only to come up short at the sight of Lilly in my bed, asleep.  I
stared down at her in confusion, wondering why she was there,
forgetting for the moment that I'd told her to come over when she'd
had the time.  So, with the hallway light behind me throwing
illumination over my bed, I watched her sleep - the sleep of a young,
vibrant and healthy woman.

In that first minute I was so furiously angry, as I stood at the
foot of my bed and looked down at Lilly.  Angry - because I should
love this woman and yet what I felt paled to nothing when compared to
the avalanche of feeling brought on earlier when I'd kneeled at the
side of a hospital bed and cried all over Scully.  Anger at the sure
knowledge of that coveted 'normal life' slipping right through my
fingers unless I reached out and grabbed Lilly with both hands. 
Resentment that I couldn't be happy about it, and for more reasons
than just the imminent loss of Scully.

Awareness that Lilly was being grossly shortchanged because of my
inability to offer her anything more than what little I'd given 
her so far in our relationship.  

In the dim light Lilly slept on her side with a hand curled under
her cheek.  She was a lovely woman - sweet and kind and loving;
generous with herself and always ready to listen and offer her
support - deserving of a man who would worship the ground she walked
upon and be anxious as hell to marry her and spend his life giving
her children and the happiest of memories.  As I gazed at her I could
see superimposed over her features the pale, thin face of the woman I
had just begun to need more than food or air or even my own pathetic
life.  I had left it too late; had not possessed the brain matter to
see what had been in front of me all along. Now it was too late.  I
knew it, even as I fought to denounce it.  Too late for me and too
late for Scully, ah Christ... I fumbled for the edge of the bed and
sat down before I fell over.

"Fox." 

Lilly's sleepy murmur brought my attention back from the desolate
place it had been wandering, and I turned to face her as she sat up. 
I forced a smile and moved up closer to her, reaching out a hand to
squeeze her fingers gently.  Her hair was tousled and she smelled of
roses and sleep, and I felt a great wave of tenderness flood me as I
held her hand.  She was wonderful and I didn't love her, not the way 
she deserved to be loved.  She was everything I'd once thought I'd 
wanted, a full representation of that normal life I craved - and 
I couldn't take that step - not with her.  The only woman I would 
ever want to walk with lay in a hospital bed, weakening daily 
despite all that had been done to the contrary.  And I...

I had trusted the Devil to give me a cure that in all probability
was just another goddamned smoke screen.  Well, considering the
source - it was appropriate.

"Fox, are you all right?"  Lilly's soft hesitancy broke into my dark
thoughts, and I formed another hasty smile and nodded, slipping an
arm around her shoulders and giving her a gentle hug.  Lilly rested
her cheek into my neck and her query was mumbled into my skin.

"Have you been to see Dana?  How is she?"  I took a deep breath and
made my reply as positive as I could.

"She was asleep while I was there, but it seemed to be a good, solid
sleep.  I'm going to try talking to her doctor tomorrow, if he's
available."  Not quite the whole truth; I was actually going to talk
with the man just long enough to assure myself Scully was holding her
own - then I was going to track down the black-lunged snake who'd 
been responsible for the agony Scully was experiencing... and
throttle him until he swallowed the fillings in his nicotine-stained
teeth.

I shook away the nasty images brewing inside my head and released
Lilly, pressing her down into the mattress.  "You should get some
sleep, Lilly - you have to work in the morning."  I started to cover
her over with the blanket but she stayed my hand.

"I'm not going in tomorrow, Fox - I'll call in sick.  I don't want
you to be alone now - I really think I should stay with you, in case
you need... well, just in case.  Please, I don't mind.  Let me help."
In the gloom her eyes were pleading with me and I knew she was
offering much more than help - she was offering the assuage of my
inevitable grief.  And I felt again that flare of anger and
resentment, this time directed at Lilly.  With her words she was
accepting the loss of Scully, expecting and accepting it - and I
would not go there, even though in my conscious depths I would
eventually have to.  But I would not go there today, or tomorrow or
next week or month - I refused.  I shook my head and scraped together
one last parody of a smile.

"No, Lilly - you don't have to.  I'll be fine.  Why don't you try to
get some sleep, okay?  I have some work to do and if I get tired I'll
just doze on the sofa.  I'll take you back to your place tomorrow
morning on my way to the hospital."  I stood up and made a move
toward the door but Lilly again caught at my hand.

"Fox, won't you please just come to bed?  I've missed you... it's
been so long since we've had any time together.  I just want to
snuggle next to you and make sure you're really okay."  I shook my
head again, the drain of these past few days robbing me of the
ability to force another smile.  I gently disengaged her clinging
fingers and stepped away, steeling myself against the resigned
awareness I now saw in her eyes.

"No, Lilly - I can't sleep right now. I wouldn't be able to relax;
I'm too keyed up.  You sleep - and I'll just finish my work."  I
turned and walked out into the living room, heaving a sigh of relief
when she made no further attempt to detain me.  I went into the
kitchen and got a glass of water, filling and draining it twice.  I
felt dry as a desert inside and knew that regardless of how much
water I downed I would need even more.  I filled up the glass a third
time and sat at the kitchen table in the dark, sipping at it and
thinking about Scully... wishing I were there with her right now. 
There with her, absorbing her sweetness and not wasting any more
precious time.  Precious, every second of it - valuable beyond
measure.  And I sat in the dark and crammed water down my throat.  

What an asshole I was.

Three minutes later I was out the door and running down the hallway,
on my eager way to Scully.  It would be hours later before I realized
that in my urgency to get back to the hospital, I had put Lilly out
of my mind... all too easily.

************************


Two days after my aborted attempt to visit Dana, I found myself once
again walking the hallways of Trinity Hospital. Empty-handed this
time, my steps faltering as I drew closer to her room, my stomach
clenched at the thought of finding Fox tenderly cradling Dana in his
arms again. What was I doing here? I wondered. If, indeed, Fox were
with Dana, would I turn and run again? Two days ago, I had come to
this hospital naively hoping to bring some cheer into Dana's room
with my silly little gift while at the same time, hoping to persuade
Fox to come home with me for a little while to rest. I was ashamed
that my intentions today were much more self-serving. I'm not sure
what I thought I would accomplish with today's visit. I already knew
Dana was in love with Fox and judging by the sick feeling in the
pit of my stomach, I was almost certain that he returned those
feelings. Was I here looking for proof that I had lost him to her or
reassurance that he was still mine? I ruthlessly suppressed the tiny
voice whispering that I was really looking for proof that in few
days or weeks it wouldn't matter any longer.

I stumbled to a halt and grabbed onto the wall for support when
Dana's door swung open and a priest stepped out. Hot tears flooded my
eyes belying my worries that jealousy had made me mean and ugly and I
gratefully realized that no matter what, I could never wish for the
death of the young woman on the other side of that door in order to
ensure my own happiness. I waited for a moment but there was no rush
of doctors or nurses into her room, no sounds of mournful weeping.
Perhaps, I wasn't too late after all.

I took a deep breath and laid my hand on the smooth wood of the
door, mentally preparing myself to accept whatever it was that I
found in that room. I pushed the door open gently and took one step
inside and stopped, taking a moment to study the woman lying in the
bed on the other side of the room. She was alone and her face was
turned toward the window, but even from this distance I could see the
gaunt cheeks and pale skin. Her fingers rested lightly over the tiny
gold cross that I knew she always wore around her neck and her gaze
was fixed on the sunlight spilling through the blinds. I took another
step toward the bed and cleared my throat softly. 

************ 

I sighed at the delicate sound of someone clearing her throat and
rolled my head toward the source, resigned to submitting to the
demands of yet another nurse or medical technician looking to draw
blood or check my vitals. My eyes widened, the small measure of
peace I had attained with Father McCue's visit vanishing at the sight
of Lillian hovering in the doorway. I fumbled for the elevation
controls on the left rail of my bed and hastily raised the head of
the mattress into a sitting position.

"Lillian," I said slowly as I forced a tired smile onto my face.
Mulder had mentioned to me a few days ago that he thought she might
stop by to see me, but I was still surprised to find her here. She
crossed the room hesitantly and I gestured toward the guest chair
next to the bed.

"Mulder was here about two hours ago," I began but she shook her
head and leaned back into the vinyl seat.

"I'm sorry I haven't been by to see you sooner," she blurted
apologetically. I waved her apology off with one hand and she nodded.
She was nervous and her hands moved restlessly in her lap.

"How are you?" she finally asked as she looked up at me. I shook my
head and picked at a loose thread in the blanket draped over my legs
and we lapsed into an uncomfortable silence. Lillian agitatedly ran
her thumb over the glossy polish on the fingertips of her other hand
and I waited in confusion for her to begin to speak. When she wasn't
forthcoming, I realized as I watched her sitting next to my bed that
there was something I needed to say to her.

"Lillian," I said quietly and she lifted her eyes to mine. "I..." I
stopped, unsure of how to put into words what I was feeling, what I
needed to say. I licked my lips and once again touched my fingers to
the tiny cross around my neck. I had promised myself only a short
while ago to start putting my affairs into order. I'd had a
lawyer draw up a will and other testamentary documents several years
ago. I don't own a home but I'd made arrangements for my family
members to take whatever they wanted of my personal possessions as
keepsakes and to have the remainder of my property sold. Any money
from the sale of my property was to be combined with the proceeds of
my life insurance, my savings and retirement plans and was to be
invested to help pay the college tuition of any nieces and nephews
that I may have. Bill and Tara were expecting their first child in a
few months and I hoped that someday Charlie would meet someone and
settle down to raise a family of his own. I told my mother before she
left my room this morning that I wanted to be sure that Mulder be
given my cross. I had made no provisions for him in my will - he
didn't need my money - but I wanted him to have this small reminder
of me.

Looking at Lillian, I knew it was time for me to finalize the most
important detail. Mulder. I needed to be sure that he would be taken
care of before I could rest.

"Lillian," I said again. Drawing in a shaky breath I lifted my eyes
to hers. "I wanted to talk to you about Mulder," I said softly. Her
eyes skittered away from mine and dropped back to her fidgeting
hands. I cleared my throat nervously. 

"I think..." I blew out an impatient breath and tried to compose my
thoughts. "I'm not getting better Lillian," I finally said. Her eyes
shot back up to mine.

"Fox said..." she began but her gaze wandered over my face and she
knew the truth. I smiled sadly.

"Mulder doesn't want to admit what is right in his face," I told her
quietly. "And that is going to make this so much harder for him," I
whispered. I went back to picking at the blanket as I struggled for
the right words.

"I know I don't have any right to pry into your relationship
with Mulder and I hope that you don't take this the wrong way," I
began. "But he's going to need you to -" Lillian held up her hand and
interrupted me.

"You're in love with him," she murmured. Her eyes were brimming with
tears, but her face was kind and her voice held no accusation. I
sucked in a surprised breath and felt tears prick the back of my own
eyes. I couldn't deny it, but neither could I admit it to her. I
couldn't - wouldn't - burden Mulder with my feelings at this late
date, and if I couldn't tell him the truth of my feelings, I wouldn't
tell anyone.

"I think he's in love with you too," Lillian said and I saw the
sadness and despair in her eyes. I closed my own eyes against the
pain of her words. Too late, too late, too late, I thought. I waited
and wasted so many years. I said a quick and fervent prayer for the
strength to continue.

"Lillian," I began. "I'm his best friend." She huffed out a 
disbelieving breath as I added, "He may think his feelings 
for me have changed, but Lillian, that's just grief talking." 
I thought of the tender hugs and late nights that he had spent 
with me over the last few months. The gentle kisses and waking 
to find him beside my bed. There is a difference between loving 
someone and being in love with them and that's what I tried to 
tell Lillian.

"I know Mulder has been spending most of his free time with me,
Lillian," I said. "And I just... I want you to know how much I
appreciate your patience."

"Oh, Dana...I..." She shook her head and rubbed her fingers over her
eyes, automatically denying the validity of my statement. I sat up
and leaned forward.

"I know how many dates Mulder has canceled, how preoccupied he has
been, of late," I said. "I needed him and I've been selfish, hoarding
his time and you've been very... gracious." My voice trailed off into
a choked whisper and I furiously blinked away the tears that were
blinding me.

"Dana..." Lillian said, casting her eyes around the room before her
gaze landed back on my face. "I... he needed to be here," she told
me. I knew she was right just as I knew it must have been terribly
difficult for her to sit by while Mulder lavished so much of his time
and attention on me.

"I know I have no right to ask you for any favors," I said quietly.
"But I'm going to ask you to promise me something." Her lips were
drawn down in sad curve and her eyes were red-rimmed and in their
soft, brown depths I saw confusion.

"He feels everything so intensely," I told her. "Especially guilt.
Please, promise me that you won't let him wallow in it." She seemed
startled by my request and I plunged ahead before I lost the nerve to
continue.

"He's going to need someone to lean on when I'm gone," I said.
"Don't let him run off half-cocked trying to avenge me," I begged.
"Keep him home, stay with him." I looked away from her for a moment
and stared out the window at the sunshine and bright blue sky of
what promised to be another lovely fall day.  There wouldn't be many
more of them, for me... I blinked back tears of self-pity and turned
back to Lillian.

"I know how much you love him," I told her and I smiled softly. "And
I feel so selfish for saying this to you, but I need to know... I
can't rest until I'm sure..." I stopped and knuckled a stray tear
from my lashes. "I can't rest until I know he that he is going to be
taken care of," I said.

Lillian rose out of the chair and stood next to my bed. She lifted
her hands to her face and wiped away the tears that were streaking
her cheeks. She laid one hand over mine and squeezed it softly.

"I promise."

**************** 

After Lillian left my hospital room, the tears I'd been
struggling to hold back spilled over.  Lying in my bed, fingering the
rosary that Father McCue had left with me, I tried to regain the
acceptance I had found while praying with him that morning.  But the
tension of my visit with Lillian combined with the long bout of
weeping after she was gone had left me with a raging headache.  After
trying to cope with the pain for more than an hour, I finally rang
for the nurses and requested a painkiller.  The morphine drip barely
took the edge off of the furious pounding behind my eyes and left me
nauseous.  Even under the influence of heavy medication, I was unable
to sleep.  I was afraid to sleep because I knew that once I finally
did, I wouldn't reawaken and I had one more thing to do.

I had to say goodbye.

Mulder came back to the hospital late in the afternoon after his
confrontation with Section Chief Blevins and the FBI review panel. 
He settled into his customary place next to me on the mattress and
his long fingers played with the tiny beads of my rosary as he began
to fill me in on the events that had transpired only a short while
earlier at the Hoover Building.

"You're tired," he said finally said as he looked into my face. 
"This can wait until tomorrow."  He stroked his fingers lightly
through my hair.  "Why don't you try to get some sleep," he
suggested.  I reached out and caught his wrist with my hand and
although my grip was weak, it was enough to cause him to sit back
down.

"Mulder," I rasped and he reached for the small plastic pitcher on
the tray by my bed and filled a cup with cool water.  He slid his
hand under the back of my head and supported me as I took a couple of
sips of water.  Exhausted by even the most simple of movements, I
slumped back into the pillows as he set the cup down.

"What is it, Scully?" he asked.  His hands were busy rearranging the
various items on the top of the tray and he bit at his lips
nervously, refusing to meet my gaze.  I laid my hand on his leg.

"Mulder," I whispered again.  "Look at me."  Reluctantly, he stopped
fidgeting with a tiny box of tissues and raised his eyes to mine.

"Dr. Zuckerman gave me the results of my PET scan yesterday," I
began quietly.  Mulder immediately looked away and began to shake his
head back and forth.  

"Mulder, please," I implored as he pushed the tray out of his way
and climbed to his feet.  

"No," he said.  "Scully, I don't care what the tests say..." He took
a step back from the bed and stumbled into the tray, knocking the
tissues and pitcher of water to the floor.

"Fuck!" he swore as he strode toward the tiny bathroom.  He came
back with a handful of paper towels and squatted next to the bed,
mopping up the water that had formed a puddle on the linoleum.  I
shifted, painfully turning onto my side and held out my hand.

"Let that go, Mulder," I begged.  He ignored me and continued to mop
up the spill.  I stretched my fingers toward him.

"Mulder," I said.  He hung his head and I watched his chest rise and
fall as he sucked oxygen into his lungs.  He looked up and my vision
blurred at the sight of the tears rolling silently down his cheeks. 
He pitched the wet towels into the wastebasket and scrambled to his
feet.

"Don't, Scully," he pleaded.  "Please, you've got to believe that
you can beat this.  You can't... you can't..." He pressed the heels
of his hands against his eyes, hiding his face from me.  "Please,
Scully.  You've got to try."  I felt hot tears brim and spill over my
lashes.  I reached out again and my fingers brushed against his white
shirt.

"Oh, Mulder," I sighed.  "I wish there was a way - " He grabbed my
hands in a bruising grip and sat back down next to me.

"There is," he insisted.  "Just believe, Scully.  Please," he
whispered as he pressed our joined hands to his lips.  "Please try." 
I slid one hand free and ran my fingers through the hair that had
spilled over his forehead.

"I'm tired, Mulder," I said softly.  "I'm so tired."  Mulder gasped
and dropped his head onto my stomach.  His shoulders shook with great
hitching sobs.

"Don't leave me, Scully," he pleaded.  "Please don't go away."  He
wrapped his arms around me and burrowed his face against me and I
could feel his tears soaking through the thin, cotton hospital gown. 
"I can't... I can't do this without you," his voice was a broken

whisper. 

I tugged on his shoulders and he climbed into the bed next to me. 
Drawing his head onto my shoulder I threaded my fingers through 
his thick hair.

"I don't want to leave you, Mulder," I said softly.  "I would stay
with you forever if I could."  He sighed and wound his arms even
tighter around me.  "I'll always be with you," I promised.  "But I
don't think I can stay with you here, in this place anymore..."

Mulder shifted slightly and laid his head between my breasts,
pressing his ear over my heart.  His body continued to shudder as he
wept in my arms.  Finally, I felt his rigid posture soften and his
sobs quiet as he matched his breathing to my own, his head rising and
falling with every breath that I took.

Together, we watched the sun go down and as darkness encroached into
the room, we slept.

*******************

Perhaps an hour or two after we had fallen asleep, the wind rattled a 
window in her room and the sound roused me enough from my uneasy
sleep for me to recall that I was in bed with Scully, and holding
her.  For a minute I was disoriented; my eyes burned and ached and 
my face felt tight from the tears I'd shed earlier in the day.  
I turned my head on the pillow and let my arms tighten around 
Scully's thin body, counting the breaths I felt her take against 
my side.  They were steady, thank God - deep and steady.  

I shifted a little in the bed and cuddled her closer, now wide awake
and knowing there would be no more rest for me.  I would rather stay
awake anyhow - hoarding these precious hours and hugging them to
myself, gladly watching over her and counting the minutes until dawn.
In the dim room her pale face was never more beautiful than now,
relaxed and serene, all the shadows of her illness smoothed away as
if by magic.  Her hand lay against my chest, fingers curled into my
shirt and pressed to my heart, and her lips nuzzled into my neck; I
treasured the feel of it - of Scully.

Yet even as I cherished this time with her, residual anger, black
and rending, threatened to displace any quiet joy I felt, and I
fought to keep it at bay as I held her.  Anger at the cards we'd been
dealt, years ago when we were only beginning to understand the
magnitude of this conspiracy in which we'd become embroiled. 
Helplessness so complete it caused actual pain - that I was, in spite
of all I'd done, losing her.  My heart could refuse to accept it from
now until Doomsday, but my mind was too sore and exhausted to fight. 
Yet I had to fight - I could not let her go.

If I let her go, I'd die.  There would be no reason to go on.

I lay awake with Scully in my arms and so many small things fell
into exact and precise place; things I'd felt and things for which
I'd attained an awareness these past few years.  Times when the tilt
of her head or the placement of one small hand could make the
difference between a good day or a bad one.  The simple happiness I
could obtain from nothing more than needling her science and waiting
for her ascending eyebrow, or her slow burn as she digested my half-
baked theory with true Scully disdain.  The times I watched for that
one small upwards curl of her mouth, as she grudgingly allowed
herself amusement at my expense... I realized now that I would gladly
put myself at her expense time and again for the rest of my life if
it meant I could see her little smile, and join in her amusement.

It seemed as though I'd been born loving Scully... that somehow I'd
grown up with an innate knowing, of a redheaded child who would
someday own my soul and control my heart with nothing more
complicated than the soft way she spoke the word, 'Mulder'...

It would not have mattered how many women I'd met; how many lovely
women such as Lilly could cross my path in one lifetime.  I knew
without a single doubt I would never have been satisfied with what I
may have found in their arms or in their offered love.  I knew that
now.

As the hours crept deeper into the night I held my love in my arms and
plotted with desperate calculation the obliteration of the enemy
within her frail body, prepared to do battle with any and all demons -
until its defeat was in my grasp.  And as full darkness slipped in
through the slotted blinds at the windows I as gently slid from her
embrace and tucked the blankets around her shoulders.  Pressing a
kiss to her soft hair and silently promising her a miracle, I left
Scully in God's capable hands - and went off to find a demon to
fight.

***********

~ Chapter Nine ~


The door swung open and I turned eagerly toward the light spilling
into the room from the hallway. Instead of the tall, lanky form I had
been hoping to see, Vivien, the night nurse walked toward me with a
smile on her face that reached from ear to ear.

In just a few days, everything had changed... the grin on my face
had to be just as wide, as I held out my hands.  Vivien reached my
bed in two swift strides.

"Dana!" she exclaimed. "I just started my shift and heard the good
news. Remission!" she cried as she grabbed both of my hands and
squeezed them tightly between her own. The joy on her face was
genuine and unmistakable. Too often these doctors and nurses find
themselves on the losing side of the war against this disease.

"It's a miracle," I told her, returning her squeeze. She blinked
back tears and then set about fussing over me, straightening the
blankets over my legs and plumping the pillows behind my head.

"Vivien," I called to her softly as she refilled the small plastic
pitcher with water from the sink in the bathroom. She walked back
into the room and set the pitcher within reaching distance of my
hands.

"Do you need something honey?" she asked kindly. I nodded and looked
toward the door.

"Is Mulder still sitting out there?" I asked. She shook her head and
my heart sank. I was so sure that he would still be there. My family
had camped out in my room for most of the day and night and I had
barely had a chance to speak with him after the doctors had given me
the good news.

"I heard someone say that he was sleeping in the lounge," Vivien
told me. Mulder's near-constant presence at the hospital had made him
a familiar figure to the staff. I knew the nurses had been
plying him with coffee and other goodies during his nocturnal visits.
More than once I had awakened in the middle of the night to find him
sleeping in the chair next to my bed, a blanket draped over his
slumped shoulders by a kindly nurse or orderly. 

"Would you ask him to come here?" I asked pleadingly. Vivien planted
her hands on her ample hips and frowned at me. I knew she was
waging an internal battle over the importance of rest for a
recovering patient and her desire to give in to the beseeching look
on my face. Finally she relented and shook her head as if despairing
of the soft spot she obviously held for her patients.

"Ten minutes," she warned and I nodded obediently. A few moments
later I heard his footsteps hurrying down the hall toward my room.
The door opened and he was across the room in three quick strides, a
huge smile on his tired, beautiful face. I slid across the bed and he
settled down on the mattress, facing me, and pulled me into his arms.

"We got our miracle, Scully," he whispered. I nodded and clutched
him tightly in my embrace. I felt his fingers trace lightly over the
small bandage on the back of my neck and then the warmth of his
breath as he fervently pressed his lips over the same place. I leaned
against him, enjoying the feel of his arms around me - and I
refused to give in to the worrying thought of where we would go from
here. Instead I rested my cheek against his shoulder and reveled in
the tenderness of his fingers winnowing through my hair in a soothing
rhythm. 

"Time's up," Vivien whispered as she poked her head into the room.
"Come on, Mr. Mulder," she said. "You can come back tomorrow, but
Dana still needs to rest." Mulder nodded and slipped out of my arms.
He stood up and waited until I was settled comfortably against the
pillows before tucking the blankets securely around me. He bent down
and brushed his lips over my forehead, then gently and lingeringly
kissed my mouth.

"Sleep well, Scully," he whispered against my lips, before
straightening and moving from the bed. I nodded and watched him walk
across the room. He stopped in the doorway and turned toward me. The
light from the hallway was behind him and his face was hidden in the
shadows, but I saw him lift his hand to his heart before waving
goodbye.

"Goodnight," he murmured softly. I tugged the covers up to my chin
and sighed.

"Goodnight," I whispered as the door slid closed behind him.

************** 

When I opened my door and saw Fox - well, more importantly, saw the
look of quiet joy on his face - I knew I had lost.  I'd been sitting
on the edge of my sofa, hands folded in my lap, since the moment I'd
hung up from his phone call.  He'd wanted to come over, he'd said -
had great news to tell me.  Of course I knew it had to be about Dana;
what else could it be?  Lately, with Fox... everything was about Dana.

This time when that ugly thought planted itself in my head I didn't
shame myself into pushing it away - this time I hugged it to me with
jealous greed.  I refused to contemplate how very small I'd become in
just a few short minutes, as I sat and waited for his knock on the
door.  And suddenly all the positive energy I'd been feeling all
morning; all the hopeful thoughts I'd gathered over the past few days
- all of it went up in a spark of pure spite.  A part of me - the
part that still remembered what it was like to be Gran's little angel
- hated the blackness swimming in waters that up until now had always
been clear.  

Then again... I had never been in love this way - fully enamored,
and  desperate.  And I'd never had anyone like Fox Mulder in my life.
If any man was worth fighting for, it was Fox.  For weeks I had been
telling myself that I would be the worst sort of bitch, if I fought
against a dying woman for a larger slice of the man we both loved. 
Up until that phone call, I was doing a fine job of convincing myself
to be the better person, regardless of whatever permission I had
received from Dana.  

When my phone rang my heart had jumped and thudded painfully inside
my chest, and the hand that reached for the receiver had actually
trembled.  I thought, 'This is it - she's gone.  My poor Fox...' As
soon as his voice sounded in my ear, so animated and warm and happy -
I knew.  The look on his face when I opened the door only
strengthened the bitter knowledge that my time with Fox was over.

He'd stood there with the biggest smile on his tired face, looking
so handsome it about broke my heart; with both hands he reached out
for my arms, and pulled me into a bear-hug.  I felt numb but I could
still decipher the subtle difference in the quality of that hug.  It
suddenly proclaimed 'friend' instead of 'lover'... I swear I could 
tell.  I pinned a smile on my face and hugged him back, and waited 
for the words that would crush my hopes.

"Lilly, God, it's a true miracle.  Scully's in remission.  It's
still touch and go a bit but if she holds steady, there's no reason
to think she won't make a complete recovery."  Fox's eyes glowed,
positively shone with happiness; he hugged me again and this time
lifted me a little and swung me around.  When he let me touch the
floor again I fought to keep the smile attached firmly on my face. 
Inside, I felt that I was crumbling, piece by piece.  

Yes, I was glad for Dana; My God, I'm not a monster!  I was happy to
know she would be all right; would live out a normal life.  I could
never wish anything as heinous as cancer on even my worst enemy.  But
I am also human, with human failings.  I would probably be ashamed
for a very long time that I let those nasty feelings take me over,
before Fox arrived.  However, when he hugged me and I could see and
experience for myself his utter joy, I knew I couldn't let bitterness
rule my day any longer.  That wasn't me... I'd been raised better
than that.

I looked up and smiled into Fox's glowing face, and this time my
smile was genuine.

"Oh, Fox - I'm so glad.  This is great news.  Was it that chip you
told me about?  Is that what healed her?"  Fox nodded and pulled me
over to the sofa; we sat facing each other and I allowed myself the
pure pleasure of being his focal point - knowing it might be the
last.  I concentrated on his explanation.

"Yeah, it had to be the chip.  We may never know how or why it
worked, and really at this moment I don't care.  It worked and she's
going to beat this - that's all I care about."  I reached out and
squeezed his hand, and Fox squeezed back, face still wreathed in
smiles.  He added, "She'll have to stay in the hospital a few more
days and undergo some tests, but I think they'll spring her by the
end of the week.  I'm going to talk her into going to her mom's for
some TLC.  She'll fight me on it, but I think right now Scully needs
her family around her."  

I nodded, thinking that if it were me I'd be wanting my Gran's
comforting presence and cheerful caring, all around me.  I watched
Fox as he jumped up from the sofa, clearly restless, probably anxious
to get back to the hospital, and Dana.  I wanted to keep him with me
as long as I could; how would I ever be able to let him go?  For I
knew as soon as he walked out that door he'd be lost to me.  And I
also knew that I wanted our parting to be on my terms.  It was a
matter of pride; a matter of finding the best way to survive the loss
of the man I loved, so much - a way of gaining strength in the
knowledge that I would somehow find joy in his happiness.  My terms...

I stood up and moved over to his side, and placed my hand on his
arm, wanting desperately to just grab him up into my embrace and
never let him go.  It took every ounce of my restraint not to drop to
my knees before him and beg him to stay with me, even though neither
of us had yet to speak of leaving.  At the touch of my hand Fox
turned to me with another smile, this time warm and tender and all
mine.  Before I could open my mouth to speak, the words were tumbling
from him in a low rush.

"Lilly, throughout these past months you've been a grounding force
for me; I don't know what I would have done without your caring and
understanding.  I wish..."  His voice trailed off into an uneven
whisper as I found myself placing silencing fingers against his lips.
My answering smile was wobbly and teary, but my voice came out firm
and clear.

"You wish it could be different, Fox - but it's not.  We're not
meant to be together.  It took me a long time to see it and admit it,
but I think it's time I grew up a little - and it's time as well, for
you to see that the only woman you will ever want to commit to, is
Dana..."

*********************

I stared at her in confusion.  How could Lilly think something like
that?  Hadn't I been the committed one, to her - for well over two
years?  I had been hers exclusively, as she had been mine - when had
I ever given her pause to think of Scully and me, in that way?

And yet... when had I not?

I was rooted to the spot, shock at Lilly's words and the look in her
eyes holding me captive.  In those soft eyes of hers I saw
resignation and a kind of acceptance, and the knowledge that my
feelings had been so transparent just threw me, hard.  I thought I'd
done such a great job of keeping it buried, though I knew Lilly was
an intelligent, intuitive person.  And if I never saw anything wrong
with stringing her along for all this time... I sure did, now.  

My God - I had tied up two and a half years of her life, with no
thought of how I would complete it and what sort of reward she would
get for her devotion.  And while I was treating Lilly in that manner,
I was also attempting self-declaration where Scully was concerned,
yet never thinking beyond what would happen if she beat the cancer
odds.  So busy mourning the loss of Scully, when I should have been
freeing myself for her and however much time we might have together -
and releasing Lilly from her bondage to my affection and allowing her
a way to get on with her life.

God, I was a jerk...  I bowed my head and rubbed hard at my eyes,
and when I looked up I know remorse was evident all over me.  I put
my arms around Lilly and held her close, taking comfort yet again
from her familiar scent and the way she felt in my arms.  She was
trembling a little, and I thought I heard a sniffle; the idea that I
could cause her pain, enough to cry - I felt like shit for that.  

"Lilly, Jesus, I'm sorry... so sorry.  I do care about you, so much.
It's just... I was never ready - not for what you needed from me.  I
couldn't give that to you and I'm damned sorry."  I felt her nod
against my shoulder and the eyes she raised to me were damp but
steadfast.

"Fox, don't.  We can't pick and choose how and with whom we feel
love.  God, nobody knows that better than I do!  My Gran told me once
that in every relationship there is one who loves, and one who is
loved.  She said equality in love was rarer than the rarest gold and
twice as precious.  All my life I have been the one who loves, Fox -
I have yet to find someone who would let me just be loved."  Lilly
wiped at her eyes, then placed her fingers along my jaw.  "I deserve
it, I know that now - I deserve to be loved.  To have somebody
worship me and want to marry me, have a family with me - somebody
wanting it so badly that they'd pass through fire to get to me.  It's
what we all deserve, Fox - including you."    Her fingers pressed
gently into my cheek as she continued.

"I think you have a real chance of finding it, with Dana.  I have a
feeling you would have found it long ago, both of you - if you'd
opened yourselves up to the possibilities.  Maybe you thought you had
all the time in the world to fall in love... but as you can see,
sometimes a person doesn't know what they have until they almost lose
it.  I think it took a near-tragedy for you to see the need you both
have for each other.  And if you'd been a lesser man you would have
dumped me long ago when you first realized how you felt.  You would
have left me in the dust, Fox - and you also have to know that's not
who you are."  Her challenging stare was impossible to escape and
with a sigh, I rested my forehead on her shoulder, acknowledging how
right she was.  

I had tried to make it work with both Lilly and Scully, unable to
truly commit to either one of them, and in doing so I had hurt them -
both of them.  I must have muttered that thought out loud, because
Lilly shook her head and stared up at me.

"No.  You couldn't have known this, Fox - I have only recently
learned it myself.  You were too close to it to see it, and I only
wanted to see my side of it.  Live and learn, right?"  With that,
Lilly slowly disengaged from me and took a step back, and I let her
go.  I stood before her and felt again that sweetness I always felt
when I was around her; felt the way her inner and outer loveliness
clung to her, more heady than perfume.  Some man was going to be the
luckiest bastard alive, someday - when she finally let him discover
her.  And I found myself stepping close to her and kissing her mouth
gently, murmuring those very words to her - and she huffed a small
laugh; her retort made me smile.

"Damned straight, Mister!  He'll be very lucky... and I'm not going
to settle for less.  Neither are you, right?"  Her head tilted to one
side as she awaited my answer.  I shook my head and walked to her
door, keeping an arm around her; giving her one final hug before I
left.

"No, Lilly - I won't settle, either..."

I drove in a sort of daze, all the way home from Lilly's place.  I
kept running the same words over and over: "I'm not going to settle
for less."  Those soft words of hers really forced me to acknowledge
the way I had put her life on hold during the time she'd spent with
me.  

Oh, I knew Lilly had fallen in love with me soon after we'd begun
our relationship.  I could feel it every time she touched me, kissed
me.  And so many times I had wished I could say the words right back
to her; I tried to make up for that verbal loss by showing her in
physical response how much she had meant to me.  But it was never
enough, and Lilly's devotion to me really warranted more than just as
tender kiss or two.  

I parked my car and trudged up to my apartment, not bothering with
the slow as molasses elevator.  I gained my door and let myself in,
and plopped down on my old sofa.  Leaning my head back, I thought
about how much I would miss Lilly.  There was no question of
remaining friends with her; I knew it would not be good for either of
us.  A clean break was vital if she were to get on with her life, and
if I were to remain fair to her.  But, I would miss her, very much. 
She kept me sane in these past months, kept me from losing my mind
over Scully's illness.

As I thought about it I understood something I had never seen
before... that Lilly had been keeping me sane for Scully.  I don't
think she knew it but that's exactly what had been going on.  I would
come to her tense and stressed from any number of horrible cases, or
frustrated to the point of agony over Scully - and she would put her
arms around me and without saying a word, ease me and calm me. 
Without her loving care I would never have gotten through the darkest
days, when Scully's life hung in the balance and none of us had a
clear idea of her survival chances.  

I dropped my head in my hands and scrubbed hard at my burning eyes. 
I would miss Lilly, more than I could say - a piece of my heart had
stayed behind when I kissed her goodbye and left her.  But I had to
look forward, now - the same way Lilly would face the future and find
that one man who could assure she would be loved.  It would be a much
better man than I could ever be, this I knew.  

My agenda had changed, and it now included the one person I would
gladly die for... 

***************

After Fox left I managed to close the door and walk all the way into
my bedroom with my head held high - before I collapsed on my bed and
buried my face into my pillow.  In between hiccuping tears I told
myself I had come out on top; that I was the winner and not the loser
- that I had maintained strength and balance.  

But my arms mourned the loss of Fox's warmth and my lips bemoaned
the kisses I would never taste again.  I wasn't born yesterday - I
didn't fool myself into thinking I would enjoy a speedy recovery from
this and go on to find the man of my dreams.  Yes, I'd done the right
thing.  I'd been the one to break it off; I'd been the one to do the
releasing, for a change.  I'd acted more like a woman and less like a
moonstruck girl, for the first time in my life.  

But, oh... it hurt.  I'd watched Fox walk away, down the corridor
and into the elevator, and he had glanced back once and smiled at me,
with a funny little wave-salute.  I had smiled back and waved as well
- then closed the door on two and a half years of knowing, and loving
Fox.  

It hurt.

I rolled myself into a little ball and let the tears come; let the
purging begin.  Everything I'd been holding inside... I let it out. 
Anger and remorse and guilt and jealousy - I screamed and cried it
all into my pillow, muffling the noise I made because the sensible
side of me would not want to get evicted for excessive screeching
even as the ranting maniac in me wanted nothing more than to rattle
my windows with it.

In the end I ranted less than I wanted to and louder than was
prudent - and then I staggered to the bathroom to wash my face, and I
changed into fresh clothes.  I grabbed my purse and locked the door
behind me as I left my little sanctuary - and I pointed my car in the
direction of the one place I could go to heal the fastest -

Gran's.

*********************

~ Chapter Ten ~

I had only been at my mother's house for a day or two when Mulder
arrived for another of his twice-daily visits.  I looked up at the
sound of a light tapping on the bedroom door and saw him poke his
head into the room.

"Hey," he whispered softly as he moved quietly across the carpeted
floor to settle on the edge of the narrow twin bed that had been mine
growing up.  "How do you feel?" he asked.  I struggled to sit up,
leaning against the pillows mounded against the headboard.

"A little better every day," I assured him with a small smile. 
Mulder smiled back and we lapsed into a strangely awkward silence
that was broken only by the jingling sound of Mulder playing with his
car keys.  I glanced at the black leather jacket he wore.

"Why don't you take off your jacket and get comfortable," I
suggested but he shook his head and continued to bounce his keys
around in his palm until I reached out and covered his hand with mine.

"Mulder?" I asked.  Something was bothering him.  He sighed and
shoved the keys deep into the pocket of his jacket and then wrapped
his fingers around my hands.

"Since your mom is taking such good care of you," he began softly,
"I thought I would take a few days and go up to visit my own mother."
I was surprised by his announcement.  I had grown so accustomed 
to his near constant presence over these last few weeks.  A sudden 
thought entered my mind and I bit down hard on my lower lip.

"I know you probably have some things you need to discuss with her,"
I said slowly, remembering the awful confrontation he and his mother
had gone through only a little more than a month earlier.  "Will
Lillian be going with you?" I asked.  Mulder shook his head and his
hands tightened around mine.

"Lillian and I..." His voice trailed off for a moment and he quickly
looked away from me.  "We aren't together anymore," he said simply. 
His announcement was met with a lot of confusion on my part as well
as a soaring feeling of hope.  That hope was quickly squashed when I
took note of the look of deep sadness etched across his tired
features.

"What happened?" I asked quietly as I slipped back into the familiar
role of friend and confidante.  He blew out a frustrated breath and
rubbed his thumbs over the backs of my hands.

"I don't know," he said on a heavy sigh.  He shook his head quickly,
denying his own words.  "That's not true," he amended.  "What
happened was that I wasn't paying enough attention to her, to our
relationship," he said with a shrug.  I pulled one hand free of his
and leaned forward.

"It's not too late."  I forced the words past the huge lump in my
throat.  "Lillian loves you, Mulder," I told him.  I looked around
the room and then my gaze settled back on his bent head.  "This is my
fault," I sighed as I thought about all of the time Mulder had spent
with me over the long months of my illness to the detriment of his
relationship with Lillian.  

Mulder instantly began to shake his head in denial of my words. 
"No, Scully.  It's my fault.  I..." He lifted his head and met my
gaze directly.  "I needed to be with you," he told me.  "And, I
didn't love her enough. I didn't love her the way she
deserves to be loved," he sighed and again I saw the look of
anguished sadness sweep over his face.  I pulled him toward me and
slipped my arms around him.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered against his cheek.  Mulder's arms curled
tightly about my waist and I reveled in the warmth of his body and
the smoothness of his cheek where it pressed against my own. How
nice it would be to stay like this with him, for hours... but too
soon, he had pulled away.

"I'm going to go away for a few days," he told me.  "I need to make
things right with my mother."  I nodded encouragingly.

"How long will you be gone?" I asked in a quiet voice.  He shrugged
and pushed himself to his feet.

"I'm not sure," he said and I craned my head back so that I could
see him as he towered over my bed.  "So much has changed," he told me
as his eyes roved over my face.  "A few days, maybe a week. I have a
lot of things I need to think about," he admitted.  "I need to start 
making some changes in my life," he added cryptically.  Then he
leaned down and brushed his lips over my cheek.

"I'll call you," he promised.  He strode toward the door and wrapped
his hand around the old-fashioned glass doorknob.  He stopped and
turned around, staring at me with a soft smile on his face.  I'm not
sure what he saw in my eyes, but he walked back to the bed and leaned
into me, catching me in another kiss - this one firm and sweet upon 
my lips.  It was over much too soon...  He straightened and waggled
his eyebrows at me then turned back toward the door, tossing over his
shoulder, "You take care of yourself and listen to your mother." His 
departing smile was crooked as he peeped at me once more, before
pulling the door closed behind him.

That was almost a week ago.  Mulder had kept his promise and we had
spoken a few times on the telephone, but the conversations were
always brief and mostly filled with idle chatter about how we had
spent our day.  I was leaning against the headboard, willing the
phone to ring when I heard my mother's soft voice calling to me from
outside of the door.

"Come on in, Mom," I answered.  She swung the door open and for once a
tray filled with food did not burden her hands.  Poor Mom.  She'd
been walking a tightrope ever since I came to her house to
recuperate. Torn between her need to mother and coddle me, and my
need to be independent...  Of course, this was a long-standing
situation between us.  Even as a child, I preferred to be left alone
when I wasn't feeling well.  But this time, I was so weak and tired
that I had no choice but to rely on my mother's help.  The first few
days after I was released from the hospital even the walk from my
bedroom to the bathroom was taxing and I had leaned heavily on my
mother's arm for assistance.

I was getting stronger every day under my Mom's watchful eye.  My
appetite was slowly returning and she had filled the kitchen with my
favorite foods.

"How was your nap?" she asked as she settled down on the edge of my
bed.  Her fingers stroked over my forehead, brushing the hair out of
my eyes and I was instantly transported back to my childhood and a
time when it was this woman's smiling face that had greeted me each
day after I'd awaken from my afternoon nap.  

"It was good," I said as I stretched my arms over my head. I leaned
against the pillows and rolled my head toward her.  "I swear Mom, 
I think I could sleep nonstop if I tried."  She laughed softly 
and straightened the blankets over my legs, then stood and
went to the window, opening the blinds to reveal the late day
sunlight as it danced through the red and orange leaves of the trees
in the yard.

"Well, the most important thing right now is lots of rest and good
food," she declared authoritatively.  "Speaking of which, how would 
you like to come downstairs and watch some television with me before 
I start dinner?"  I nodded and sat up to slip my feet into the 
slippers waiting on the floor next to the bed.  I followed my
mother down the steps and collapsed gratefully onto the sofa cushions
in the family room.  How was I ever going to get the strength back so
that I could return to work? I wondered.  My mother was bustling
around in the kitchen and this time, the old reliable tray was
clasped in her hands when she returned.

"I made some tea," she said as she set the tray onto the coffee
table.  She held out a mug and I took it from her.  "Be careful," she
warned.  "It's hot."  I blew across the steaming surface of the tea
and picked up the remote control.  I was concentrating on surfing
through all of the channels provided by Mom's cable company when she
lifted a plate toward me.

"I bought some Lady Fingers when I was at the supermarket today,"
she told me.  I smiled to myself as I set my mug back down and took
one of the little cakes from the plate as I began flipping through
the channels again.  Mom murmured softly and I stopped channel
surfing at her request.  We watched Oprah in silence for several
minutes, but I was having trouble focusing on the talk show host and
her guest... all I could think about was Mulder.

"Dana?" My mother called my name and I shook my head for a moment to
clear it.  "Is something wrong?" she asked.  "Is the cake stale?"  I
glanced down at the small, golden sponge cake that I was still
holding and then back at my mother's face.  I shook my head again and
stuffed one end of the cake between my lips.

"No," I mumbled around a mouthful of sponge cake.  "It's fine," I
told her.  "I was just thinking."

"About Fox?" she asked.  Drat - I could feel a flush steal over my
cheeks.  And I was taken aback by my mother's keen eye for
observation.

"I was just surprised that he hasn't called yet," I said by way of
an explanation.  My mother smiled and laughed softly.

"He called earlier," she told me.  I frowned and brushed the crumbs
from my fingers.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked.  My mother's eyebrows arched at
the tone of irritation that bled into my words and I slumped back
sullenly against the cushions.  How old would I have to be, I
wondered, before that look was no longer effective?

"Sorry," I muttered, my tone less than contrite.  But dammit, I
really wanted to talk to him.  I chanced another glance at my mother
and her eyebrows were still flirting with her hairline.  For a
moment, I had the irrational thought that if I didn't apologize, her
face would freeze that way.  I smiled ruefully.

"I really am sorry," I said.  She smiled and held out the plate of
Lady Fingers again.  Apology accepted.  

"You miss him," she said.   I toyed with the little cake in my hands
and shrugged.

"I'm just so used to seeing him every day," I began and even I could
hear how pathetic that was as an excuse.  I lifted the sponge cake to
my lips and nibbled nervously on one end.  My mother was not fooled
by my studied nonchalance, and stared me down with little effort.

"You're in love with him," she stated quietly and once again I was
startled by her shrewdness.  I don't know why.  She's remarkably
astute.  That's one of the reasons why I stay away from her when
there is something I don't want her to know... the way I did when I
was first diagnosed with my cancer.

"I... I..." Stammering nervously, I began to pick the cake apart.
My mother's hand settled over mine and she took the mangled dessert
away from me.

"It's all right, Dana," she told me.  "I've known for a very long
time."  I looked up at her sharply.  How could she have known when I
only just realized it myself a few months ago...  She smiled
knowingly and twined the fingers of one hand with mine.  "I've
suspected ever since the first time I saw you together, but I knew
for sure when you agreed to have that thing put into your neck."  Her
fingers let go of mine and drifted over the tiny scar on the back of 
my neck.  "I saw the look of confidence and acceptance on your face 
when he presented the chip to you."  I nodded and miserably knuckled
a tear away from my eyes.

"Why does that make you sad?" she asked me.  I turned to face her
and one look into her kind and beloved face had the tears brimming
over my lashes and spilling down my cheeks.  She instantly gathered
me into her arms and rocked me back and forth.  I inhaled the
mingled fragrances of Ivory soap and Chanel No. 5 that was my mother
and sought refuge in her embrace.

"I'm so confused... I do love him and I don't know what to do about 
it," I said on a hitching breath.  Mom rubbed her hands over my back 
in a soothing motion.

"Why don't you just tell him?" she asked as if that was the most
natural thing for me to do.  I laughed wetly against her neck.

"I can't, Mom," I said on a ragged breath.  "I... we have to work
together.  What if he doesn't... I could never look at him..." My
voice trailed off helplessly as I stumbled over my litany of reasons
for keeping my feelings a secret.

"What if he doesn't love you back?" my mother asked, putting into
words one of my deepest fears.  I nodded and bit off another sob. 
God!  When did I become such an emotional mess, I wondered.  I've
cried more in the last six months than I have cried in my entire life.

"Dana."  My mother framed my face between her hands and her voice
was stern, yet tender at the same time.  "If there is one lesson you
should have learned from everything that has happened to you, it is
that life is short."  She leaned closer to me and rested her forehead
against mine.

"Don't waste any more time," she told me as she dropped a kiss onto
the tip of my nose.  Her eyes regarded me with tender mother-love,
then she brushed another soft kiss to my cheek close to my ear. 
Her low voice soothed and reassured me.

"Have some faith, Dana," she whispered.  "Everything will work out."

********************* 


I stood on the deck and sipped at my hot coffee, enjoying the feel
of its steam on my face and the heat from the mug warming my fingers,
on this cold and damp autumn morning.  Early-morning October in New
England was always something to see; the sun barely breaking over the
horizon and the deep silence of another day interrupted only by an
occasional bird chirp or dog bark.

The coffee was thick and black, the way I used to drink it in
college when I'd inhaled it, to keep me awake during killer study
marathons.  The only way my mother knew how to make it, as well... 
As if my thoughts could conjure her this early in the day, she
appeared behind me, a hand on my back signifying her presence.  I
turned and held out an arm, which she slipped under, hugging my side.
A companionable silence stretched between us, not awkward in the
least - a big improvement over the lack of communication in our pasts.

To say my mother had been surprised to see me was a bit of an
understatement - she was shocked.  I never called her first; I just
showed up on her doorstep several days after Scully went to stay with
her mom.  I'd had some fence mending to do - that's what I'd mumbled
to her when she'd opened the door and saw me standing there with the
collar of my jacket turned up around my ears and my hands shoved into
the pockets of my oldest jeans.  Her face had shown some confusion,
but she'd waved me into the house, taking my jacket and placing it on
the hall table, before turning back to me and repeating my mumble.

"Fence mending, Fox?  I don't follow you."  I'd stared down at her
with misery, and had reached out a hand to touch her shoulder.

"Mom... the last time I saw you I accused you of some terrible
things.  I can't even begin to apologize for what I said to you..." 
I could see the memory of that day in my mother's eyes and she
sighed, moving closer to me and placing her hand against the cheek
she'd slapped when those words had popped out of my mouth.

"Oh, Fox.  Do you think I didn't know what sort of pressure you were
under, when you said that to me?  And I hit you...  No mother wants
to treat her children that way.  I am sorry as well."  We'd hugged
and both of us had cried a little - and we'd made a decent effort at
staring the mending of that busted-up fence.

As the days went on I found myself getting re-acquainted with my
mother, and it was wonderful, for both of us.  We took walks and ate
lunch every day on the deck regardless of the chill factor.  We
talked, a lot - about all sorts of things.  We even talked a little
about Samantha.  And we talked about Scully, and the stress and pain
of her illness.

Of course I was missing Scully horribly but both of us needed this
time to ourselves.  Scully was receiving massive doses of tender
mom-care; I had spoken to Maggie Scully once and she'd assured me 
that my partner was behaving herself.

"Yes, Fox - I promise you Dana is doing everything the doctors told
her.  She's getting lots of rest and taking vitamin supplements, and
her appetite has improved greatly.  She goes for a short walk every
morning even though she still tires very quickly.  I'm taking her for
a check-up this afternoon."  Her reassuring words put a big smile on
my face and I'd thanked her profusely for letting me know.  Scully
had still been asleep when I'd called but I had spoken to her the day
before, and although our conversation had been brief I had come away
from it feeling so much better about our future, both personal and
professional.  

My mother had entered the room just as I'd hung up from speaking to
Maggie Scully, and at her inquiring look I had told her about the
conversation.  Mom had smiled and sat down next to me on the sofa,
and patted my hand.

"I'm so glad she's going to be all right, Fox.  I know how much she
means to you."  That comment had surprised me and my face must have
shown it, because my mother smiled again and squeezed my hand.

"I may be getting older and need glasses, but I'm not blind, Dear! 
Your feelings for Dana have always been fairly obvious to me.  I used
to wonder if you would ever become more than partners, for the caring
between you was always a tangible thing.  I guess that's why I seemed
so cool and distant around Lillian... I suppose I couldn't understand
why you were with her when you could be with Dana.  Close your jaw,
Fox..."  

For my mouth had dropped open at her soft words.  I managed
to snap my teeth together as brief flashes of that last visit here,
with Lilly, came to the forefront of my memory.  My mother had been
cool, to say the least - actually she had bordered on impolite.  
I never could figure out why; I had made some sort of vague excuse 
to Lilly centering around my mother's menopausal tendencies.  As 
soon as I remembered that excuse on her behalf, Mom's next remark 
floored me anew.

"I suppose you told Lillian I was suffering from menopause... Oh,
you did, didn't you!  Lord, Son!"  She'd seen the sheepish look 
on my face, and had tinkled out a delighted laugh, before impulsively 
reaching out and hugging me.  I'd hugged back, and then clung to her 
like a little boy, soaking in the comforting feel of her arms and 
the powdery scent of her rosewater talc.  Mom had rubbed my back and 
her chuckle was rich in my ear.

"It's okay, Fox - I don't mind.  Really, I don't.  Truth be told, I
am sure menopause may have been responsible for some of my attitude
at that time.  But part of it was my feeling that you were just
settling, Fox - and nobody should ever, ever have to settle."  Mom
had pulled away a little and had looked into my eyes - and for a
moment I saw a cloud pass over hers - a memory of something in
her past that I was sure she would never share with me.  I suddenly
knew with certainty that she was speaking from experience... and I
also knew she wouldn't tell me more.  My eyes must have revealed some
bit of sympathy, for she shook her finger in my face and her tone was
bracing and firm.

"No, we are NOT going to go there.  It's in the past, Son - and
that's where it will stay.  You came here to heal a bit, I think - to
clear your mind and regain a little of what you think you may have
lost, between us.  But Fox," she framed my face in her warm hands
and stared into my damp eyes, "Though we may have had our differences 
in the past I want you to know there was never a moment when I blamed 
you, for anything - and I have always loved you, so much.  I have
always wanted the best for you.  Your friend Lillian was not the 
best, for you. But Dana is, Fox - she is.  Don't waste any more
time."  My mother had sighed and the smile on her face slipped just a
little as she added, "It's a precious thing, this life we are given - 
very few people make the most of it.  I never did - and I would like 
to think I raised you to be a lot smarter than me."

I remembered that illuminating conversation between Mom and me, as I
stood on the deck and snuggled her under my arm while we both sipped
strong black coffee.  I looked down at my mother and marveled at what
a lovely woman she was; how pretty she looked with the wind blowing
through her soft white hair and the rosy cheeks which owed nothing to
artifice.  In her youth Mom had been breathtaking - and age had
blurred her edges somewhat but had rendered her no less beautiful.  I
hugged her to me and pressed a kiss on her forehead, and Mom hugged
me back, then looked up into my face with gentle, knowing eyes.

"You're ready to head back soon, aren't you?  It's been well over a
week... I'd say it's now or never, Son.  Dana has had some time to
think things over, and so have you.  I know you're not completely
sure how she feels about you... but personally I think you have
nothing to worry about."  Moving out from under my arm, Mom took my
free hand and led me back into the warmth of the kitchen, dumping our
empty mugs in the sink.  We walked into the living room together and
I faced this wonderful woman who had given birth to me and had lived
through the most difficult and painful times; who'd always been
generous with her advice and who'd loved me even though at times I'd
felt that no one cared.  She wasn't an easy woman to understand, but
for the first time in a lot of years I felt that our relationship was
healthy and more whole than it had ever been.  

I wound my arms around her and buried my face into her silky hair
and murmured, "I love you so much, Mom."  Her return embrace was 
fierce and lasted a long time, as she whispered to me in a raspy 
little voice.

"I love you too, Fox.  Now, let's get you home and started on your
new and improved life... okay?"

"Okay..."

*******************

~ Chapter Eleven ~


Three days ago I had re-declared my independence when I left my
mother's home to return to my own.  Of course, I didn't come home
empty-handed.  My freezer was crammed with at least a dozen plastic
containers filled with Mom's home cooking.  I had fallen asleep on
the sofa and awoke a couple of hours later to find the late afternoon
sun slanting through the windows.  Flipping through a magazine I was
idly trying to decide whether or not I wanted to heat up some of
Mom's meat sauce in the microwave to have as a late lunch when I was
startled by a soft knocking on my door.

Mulder.

He'd been in Connecticut for almost two weeks. When we spoke on the
telephone yesterday, he had not mentioned that he would be home
today.  But I knew that knock and I knew he was standing on the other
side of the door.  My stomach was churning nervously and as I walked
toward the door, I silently chided myself for my foolishness.  This
man had been my partner and best friend for five years now, I
reminded myself.

Taking a calming breath, I swung the door open to find him lounging
against the door frame.  Black jeans, white T-shirt, black leather
jacket.  God... The nerves were back.  His eyes roamed over my face
for a long moment, as if he was trying to memorize the way I looked -
then that intense gaze slid down over the soft flannel pajamas I was
wearing, lingering on my bare feet until my toes curled into the
carpeting.  Slowly his eyes traveled back up to my face.

"Hi," he murmured.  I took a step back to allow him to move through
the open doorway.

"Hi," I said back.  My heart was pounding; in that moment I
despaired of ever being able to act normally around him again. 
Mulder nudged the door with his foot and as it swung shut he stepped
so close to me that our bodies were almost touching. I had to tip my
head all the way back so that I could see him.  Right into my
personal space, as usual... I didn't mind at all.  Mulder leaned down
into me and for a second, I thought he was going to kiss me.  My
heart began to thud even harder than before.  

Instead, he banded his arms around my hips and lifted me from the
floor.  I wanted to wrap my legs around his waist and tangle my
fingers in his thick hair, but I did neither, worried it would be
construed as a bit too aggressive.  Instead I twined my arms about
his neck and buried my face under his chin, seeking some kind of
reassurance.  Slowly he swung me back and forth, holding me very
close.  We said nothing during those long moments of our embrace; I
felt my racing heart slow and my nervousness disappear within the
circle of his arms.

When I felt his grip on me shift, I leaned back so I could see into
his face.  His eyes searched every inch of me and for the second
time, I was struck by the intensity of his gaze.  I opened my mouth
and pulled in a deep lungful of air but as my lips began to form his
name he shook his head and lowered me back to the floor.

"Shhh," he whispered... and when he leaned toward me again, I knew
this time he was going to kiss me.  I watched him move closer and my
eyelids fluttered shut at the first soft touch of his mouth on mine. 
My breath escaped me on a tiny sigh as he caught my upper lip between
his.  I felt his fingers tighten on my hips as our mouths made
contact and I let my hands slide away from his neck to settle on the
sleeves of his leather jacket.

Mulder's lips were as warm as I'd remembered; I hadn't realized how
much I'd longed for them until he rubbed his mouth lightly, teasingly
over mine. My breath caught in my throat when he moved his attentions
to my lower lip, his mouth gently tugging.  I trembled and pressed
closer to him.  Abandoning my mouth to bury his lips against the
sensitive flesh below my ear, his caress was already causing havoc
and he'd barely begun... I tried to gather my scattered thoughts.

"Mulder," I pleaded.  He shook his head and quickly moved back to
cover my lips with his own.  Once again I lost myself in him, feeling
my lips part when his tongue touched the corner of my mouth; I moaned
softly, encouragingly.  But he seemed determined to take his time.

Time, I thought.  Maybe we should take more time.  I must have said
it out loud, because he slid his mouth up to my forehead and formed a
smile there.

"Don't you think five years is long enough?" he rumbled against my
temple.  His fingers were slowly, gently stroking the soft flannel
covering my hips; his touch, combined with the low timbre of his
voice caused me to nestle my hips closer to his.  It had been so
long... too long. I didn't want to think anymore, I just wanted to
feel.  Feel his lips moving over mine, feel the strength of his arms
wrapped around me.  Feel the tiny tremors wracking his frame every
time I responded to his advances.  But yet, I had to know.  My
feelings for him were overwhelming and I had to be certain his
feelings for me were more than just a reaction to the grief and
anguish he'd suffered through my illness - or a joyful celebration of
my miraculous recovery.  The low rasp in my ear confirmed it.

"I don't want to wait any longer." At those words my heart began to
pound and I turned my head, instinctively seeking his mouth.

"I don't want to wait either," I whispered against his lips.  "But
you spent almost three of those years with Lillian..."  He sighed in
acknowledgment of my words and framed my face between his hands.  His
hazel eyes were openly honest.

"I wanted to love her," he admitted.  "But I didn't.  I couldn't." 
His thumbs were sweeping across my cheekbones as he spoke.  "Lilly is
a wonderful person and she's everything I ever thought I wanted," he
sighed softly.  "But what I've learned - what I know - is that I was
put on this earth to love you, Scully."  The line of his mouth was
solemn but the corners of his eyes crinkled in a tiny smile.  He
whispered, so softly I had to strain to hear him.

"I almost lost you," the words were hushed and reverent.  "And it
was killing me."  His eyes fastened on mine and I couldn't look away.
"I love you, Scully," he vowed.  "I could never commit to Lillian or
any other woman, because you are the only person I want to be with." 
His shoulders lifted in a shrug but his eyes were beseeching me to
accept his words... to return his love.

Oh, Mulder...  I could feel the sting of tears behind my half-closed
lids; his emotional declaration just undid me.

I cupped my hand around the back of his neck and let my fingers sink
in the thick softness of his hair as I rose up on my toes and sought
his mouth, this time with that aggression I'd squelched earlier.

"I love you," I whispered into his mouth a second before my kiss
deepened; his breath caught on a gasp, inhaling my words, drawing
them deep inside.  Breaking our kiss, his arms wrapped around my hips
and again he lifted me from the floor.  This time I let myself go,
smiling when I wrapped my legs around his waist and fisted my hands
in his hair.  This time, when our lips met, I felt the probe of his
tongue as he outlined the curve of my lips.  He tried to seal his
mouth over mine, but I resisted, suddenly playful; I licked my own
tongue along the satiny lining of his lower lip, where I thought he
might be sensitive.  Apparently I had chosen well... 

"Scully," he moaned.  "Please..." His arms tightened convulsively
around me and his mouth closed possessively over mine.  Oh God, I

thought - what did I ever do to deserve this?  A miracle bringing me
back from the brink of death... wasn't that more than any person
could ask for?  

And now... this man was here in my home, in my arms - where I'd
wanted him to be... he was telling me that he loved me, the way I'd
prayed he'd do.  Not only that... he was showing me that he loved me.
I felt tears prick the back of my eyes.

How lucky I was...

When his tongue swept into my mouth all rational thought fled.  I
couldn't think... I could only feel. This, I remembered; it had been
the heady stuff of many a dream when I'd lain in my hospital bed
counting the hours remaining of my life.  The press of his arms
around my hips - the hardness of his muscled stomach between my
legs...  The silky feel of his tongue as he explored my mouth,
flicking over the soft skin lining my cheeks, scraping along the row
of my teeth.  Too long, I'd wanted this - I moaned to him as I
stroked my own tongue against his, feeling a shudder rock through him.

"God... it's been too long, Mulder..."  His shaky reply melted me
right into his skin.

"I know, baby... Jesus.  I know." 

My hands slipped from his hair to his shoulders and I buried my
fingers in the soft leather of his jacket.  Skin; I had to have his
skin.  "Mulder," I muttered against his mouth, "take off your coat." 
I pushed ineffectually against the leather covering his torso and he
shrugged his shoulders, trying to help me, but my legs were wrapped
around his waist and his big hands were cupping my bottom, hampering
our efforts.  At his smothered groan I reluctantly loosened the vice-
like grip of my legs around him and managed to reach the carpet with
my toes.  Mulder's lips blindly sought mine as we hurriedly pushed
his jacket to the floor, as unwilling as I was to let go even for a
second.

Winding an arm around my waist, he drew me closer as we broke the
passionate kiss.  His free hand stroked over my hair in a familiar
rhythm as we both tried to control our breathing.  Mulder looked
across the room as if undecided, then attempted to lead me to the
sofa. I dug my toes into the carpet and shook my head.  I wanted it
to be just right... I looked over my shoulder and grasped his hand,
urging him toward my bedroom.  Mulder lifted his eyes to follow the
direction of my gaze and then he looked down at me questioningly.

"Are you sure?" he asked gently.  I nodded and lifted his hand to my
mouth.

"I don't want to wait any longer," I said, repeating the words he
had spoken only moments earlier.  He smiled and his lips brushed over
my nose; my head fell back under his tender caress.  We intertwined
our hands again, Mulder walking just behind me as we moved into my
bedroom.  When we reached the open doorway, he stopped and pulled me
back into his arms.  I met his heated stare, feeling suddenly unsure
again.  Was it really going to happen, this time?  I suppose I needed
more reassurance.  My eyes pleaded with him.

"Kiss me," I said, begging for - demanding the feel of his mouth
again.  "Kiss me so I know this is really happening." My hands linked
behind his head and I strained up on my toes to reach him.  Mouths
joined, arms clamped around each other, bodies pressed close, Mulder
stepped forward as I backed across the room.  My legs bumped into the
bed; scrambling backwards I moved toward the mound of pillows at the
headboard and Mulder followed me on hands and knees.  Predatory,
stalking - urgent.  I found myself breaking out into a hot flush,
wondering if I would survive the burn I saw in his darkened eyes. 

God, I hoped so...

I lay back against the pillows and Mulder stretched out next to me. 
Propped up on one elbow, he stroked his hand from the crown of my
head to the top of my thigh.  I rolled onto my side, seeking more of
him; shuddering as his fingers slipped below the elastic waistband of
my pajamas.  The tiny hairs on my body stood on end when he trailed
his nails over the small of my back.  I grabbed hold of his soft tee
shirt and hung on.

His fingers slipped out of my pajama bottoms and he closed his hand
gently around my throat, tilting my face up to his.  He sketched a
path down my throat and he was still holding my gaze with his own
when his fingers popped open the first button of my pajama top.  I
licked my lips and drew in an unsteady breath as he carefully slid
the second button free of its hole.  His hand stole inside the
opening he had created, brushing his knuckles between my breasts as
he moved to unbutton the rest of my shirt.  I couldn't stop
shivering.  

Mulder's strong fingers closed around the open edges of my shirt and
tried to push it from my shoulders - but I was suddenly aware of the
sunlight spilling over the bed. I found myself wishing for the cover
of darkness, knowing with a sinking ego the inadequacies of my own
body.  Under my mother's watchful eye, I had gained back a few of the
pounds that I'd lost over my long illness, but I was abruptly
reminded of all of the changes in me.  I thought of my ribcage
visible through the skin stretched tightly over it... of the new bras
I had purchased in a smaller size than I normally wore.

I wanted to be beautiful for the man I loved.  I wanted my breasts
to fill his palms and I wanted his hand to skim over the rounded
smoothness of my hips.  I stayed Mulder's hands, sliding my own under
his T-shirt.  Pushing the soft cotton up his chest... tugging it over
his head; letting it float to the floor next to the bed.  I had
settled my palms against his warm skin when Mulder again pulled at
the collar of my pajama top. I looked at him and shook my head,
fighting the tears swelling under my lids.  His eyes were soft and
compelling.

"I want to see you," he said huskily.  I folded the edges of my
pajamas over my breasts and held it closed with my fist, unprepared
to reveal myself.  I had never felt so insecure in my life.

"No, Mulder," I pleaded.  "I look..." I breathed in deeply. "I look
awful," I told him honestly.  Mulder rubbed his fingers over the hem
of my shirt and eyed me thoughtfully, then gave me a tiny negative
shake of his head.

"Nah," he said.  "Never - not my Scully... you're beautiful."  But I
knew that he understood and accepted that my painfully thin body
embarrassed me, when his fingers eased beneath my shirt to lightly
caress my stomach - content for the moment to touch without seeing. 
I heaved a sigh of relief, feeling myself relax a little.

Once again, I lay back against the pillows and this time Mulder
stretched his body over mine, pushing me into the rumpled bedcovers. 
The weight of him along my body felt amazing... He propped himself on
his elbows and slid his hands under my head, holding me steady for
his lingering kiss.  With the pressure lifted of having to undress
completely, I could enjoy his attentions and respond with abandon. 
My tongue curled around his and we trading kiss after lazy kiss as
the dust motes danced in the sun streaming over us.  I felt his
breathing quicken when I arched my hips into his, my own breath
escaping me in a gasp as his mouth settled into the damp hollow at
the base of my throat.  His tongue darted out and he traced a careful
pattern over my flesh.

"Mulder... Mulder..." I whispered his name over and over while he
trailed his lips over my collarbone.  Nudging the edges of my pajamas
aside with his nose, his mouth moved onto the upper swell of my
breast.  And when Mulder's exploration caused the left side of my
pajamas to fall away from my body, I let it.  I knew it was silly,
but I found a sense of confidence in allowing him glimpses of my body
while still hiding behind the security of warm flannel.  His knuckles
brushed over my other breast, teasing the nipple into hardness and
stroking over the soft skin on the underside.  When his lips closed
delicately over me I gasped and sank my fingers into his hair,
holding him close as he licked and nibbled my tender flesh.  He
pressed a final gentle kiss into the tip of my breast and then
dragged his tongue between them.  

Rising up on his elbow Mulder studied the glistening wetness left on
my skin from his kisses.  His fingers skated down the quivering flesh
of my abdomen and tangled in the waistband of my pajama bottoms, now
urgent.  His head moved down to rest against my waist and his command
was muffled in the flannel covering my stomach. 

"Lift your hips," he murmured; trembling, I obeyed.  He skimmed the
soft flannel down my legs and tossed it over the side of the bed to
join his T-shirt on the floor.  His mouth was roving over my stomach,
placing careful kisses on my hipbones as his hands slid behind my
thighs.  My breath caught in my throat and burst out in a trembling
gasp when I felt the damp heat of his breath between my legs. His
tongue slipped out to touch me through the cotton barrier...

I wound my fingers into his hair as his mouth moved over me in the
softest of kisses.  Even with the material of my panties separating
us, I had never felt anything so wonderful... Trembling, I pulled at
his shoulders until he finally lifted his head.  Locking my eyes on
his, I cupped his shoulders between my hands and pulled him toward
me, running my hands over his bare flesh, tracing the biceps that
were bulging under the weight of his body.  When I pushed against his
shoulders Mulder rolled onto his back, pulling me along with him
until I was sprawled out over his long body... We were both out of
breath, his hitching under the cheek I rested over his thundering
heart.  I stayed there until I felt our pulses slow to a normal rate.

"Do you believe that love can heal?" I whispered as my fingers toyed
with the sparse hair sprinkled over his chest.  I could sense his
surprise at my words; I pushed myself up and sat back on his thighs,
regarding him seriously.

"I believe it," I told him.  I twined my fingers with his trying to
put my thoughts into words while he carefully watched my face.

"This chip..." I lifted one hand to the back of my neck.  "This chip
may be the scientific explanation for my remission," I murmured. 
"But, Mulder, it was love that led you to find it... for me.  And it
was love that made me take a chance on it... for you."  He drew in a
breath and blinked at me when I leaned forward to kiss away the tear
that was slowly tracking its way down his cheek.  I stayed there a
moment longer... 

"That's the real miracle, Mulder," I whispered against his skin,
adding, "I love you." My mouth spoke the words but my hands told him
as well, moving to the silver button of his jeans; popping it open -
closing thumb and forefinger around the metal tab of the zipper. 
Mulder's hand covered mine and together we carefully slid the zipper
down its track. He lifted his hips at my silent urging and I wiggled
the worn denim down his legs, taking a layer of shorts, socks and
sneakers with them. 

I could only stare at what I'd revealed, seeing the familiar planes
of his body but in a way I'd never known before.  So beautiful, this
aroused male reclining against my pillows... 

"Come back," he said in a low voice; eagerly I crawled toward him,
draping myself over his body.  Now it was my lips that traced a path
down his chest, my tongue that curled over the pebbled hardness of
the nipples hiding in his chest hair - and it was he who shivered and
sighed my name as I let my lips and tongue and hands worship his
body.  And his flesh tasted so good under my lips and tongue - his
body felt so right under my hands.

"Mulder, I don't want to waste any more time," I sighed into the
hair-roughened flesh of his belly.  Suddenly, I wanted to pour my
heart out to him.  "What I learned over the last few months is that
life is precious and that you are the most precious thing in my life.
I won't take that for granted again," I vowed.  

"Neither will I, Scully - I promise you.  Please... I can't wait any
longer."  The hunger on his face... it was eating me alive.  He
hooked his hands into the waistband of my cotton panties, dragging
them off in one smooth jerk.  Still clad in my pajama top, I set my
hands down on Mulder's chest and rose over him.  As he locked his
fingers on my hips his eyes fastened on mine. Drawing in a deep
breath, I took him into my body.  

Slowly... slowly, his flesh pierced mine.  My tongue darted out to
wet suddenly dry lips. It felt wonderful...  Mulder's head rose from
the pillow and he closed his mouth over mine, his tongue slipping
moistly between my lips, nourishing me, filling me even as he lifted
his hips to slide deeper into me.  He fell back and I followed him
down, drawing his lower lip between mine, worrying the line of his
teeth with my tongue.  When we broke apart his lips closed over my
neck, against the gold cross nestled in the hollow of my throat.  The
tender gesture tore at my heart and I wrapped my arms around his
shoulders, my fingers twining into his hair.

Never had anything felt so good... so right.  I wanted more - I was
eager for more.  More of this man entwined around me, within me. 
Filling me in all of the places that had been so empty and so
lonely... lonely for him, I realized.  Only him.

Setting a languid, lazy pace, I rose and fell on him, allowing every
small sensation to bathe me as he pressed within my body.  Deep, then
deeper... soft yet hard, the thrusts we gave to each other.  I wanted
it to last forever...

Mulder's hands stole under my shirt to skim over the damp skin of my
shoulders, causing me to arch under his touch.  I rocked over him,
picking up the pace as the tension built and grew.  His breathing was
harsh and he buried his face against my neck.  I curled my fingers
around his shoulders and began to move over him with more speed and
deeper motions.  I could feel my orgasm building and building - just
out of reach - and Mulder was gasping my name with every downward
thrust of my body.  I could tell he was close, but my legs were
trembling and my heart was pounding so hard - out of control.  I was
panting, unable to draw a deep breath.

"Scully," he groaned as he ground his hips into mine.  "God,
Scully... I'm gonna... are you..?"  He fought to hold steady as he
waited for me.  I was sobbing with every breath, desperately reaching
for completion, but my body betrayed me.  Still so weak and tired -
my movements were growing clumsy and disjointed.

"I can't," I finally gasped as I slumped against him.  "I'm sorry,"
I sobbed.  "I just... I can't."  I buried my face against his sweaty
shoulder and beat my fists against the mattress in frustration. 
Mulder ran his hands in big sweeping motions over my back, calming
me, soothing me, even as his heart continued to thunder against my
chest and even as his hips pulsed involuntarily into me.

He set his hands onto my hips and held on gently as he pulled away
from me; I whimpered at the long, wet slide of his body from mine and
clutched him tightly in my arms.  His penis lay heavy and hot against
my stomach, his breath catching in his throat as he fought to calm
himself.

"Gimme a minute," he groaned.  My eyes teared up at the strain I
could hear in his husky voice.  I curled myself into a little ball
atop his body and buried my face in his neck.

"I'm so sorry.  I'm just too... tired," I admitted in defeat. 
Mulder shook his head and held me close.

"Don't be sorry," he replied softly.  "We've got all the time in the
world."  His fingers gently pushed the damp hair from my face,
lingering against my wet cheeks.  The love in his tone brought a
trembling smile to my lips.  I turned my mouth into his palm and
placed a kiss there.

"Okay."

******************

In the silence of her room Scully lay on me and fought to catch her
breath, and I struggled to get my own needs under control, enough to
give her the time she needed.  Maybe she was pushing it; I think we
both were.  Her small body was feather-light on my chest, solid
evidence of the weight she had lost.  I soothed my hands over her
flannel-covered back, feeling the dampness of perspiration there. 
She had expended more energy than she'd had to sacrifice, I knew.  I
gently slid my hands underneath her top and started to ease it from
her body, and Scully tensed.

"No... please, Mulder.  I'm not... my body..."  I shushed her
halting words and continued to pull carefully at her top, until I had
worked it from her shoulders. I tossed it to the floor and pressed
her bare torso down against mine, adoring the way her baby soft skin
felt.  I walked my fingers up her sides and refused to count those
birdlike ribs, choosing instead to focus on how perfect Scully felt
in my arms - remembering anew my awe at discovering that she loved me
the way I loved her.  I could feel her trembling and the face she had
buried in my neck was no doubt flushed pink.  I couldn't pretend to
understand why she would think I'd care how her body looked right
now, when all that mattered was the fact that she'd beaten terrible
odds and had come back to me.  That's what was important; that's what
was priceless to me.  I kept my touch soothing and adoring,
determined to make her understand.

"Shh, Scully... listen.  Listen to your heart beating; can you hear
it?  Your heart - beating in your sweet chest; it means you're alive,
Scully.  In my arms and alive and safe and so, so loved.  You could
never be anything less than perfect to me... never.  I'm holding my
universe, right here - right now.  It's exactly what I want and
everything I need."  She stared down into my eyes with tears standing
in her pretty eyes, and when my voice rumbled to a stop and I pressed
a kiss into her throat she swallowed against my mouth and her small
sob fluttered on my lips.  

"Oh, Mulder... it means so much to me that you think that way. I
don't know what to say - what to do..."  I smiled against her throat
and pressed a final kiss there, then carefully I eased our positions
until she lay beneath me.  The few minutes of rest had calmed me
enough that I could now last longer, and I think Scully just needed a
great deal of patience and lots of tender loving care.

It was my pleasure and privilege to give her both...  My words of
adoration were whispered right into her mouth in the hopes they'd
reach her soul in the most expedient manner.

"You don't have to say anything, baby.  You don't have to do
anything more strenuous than to relax, and let me take care of you -
let me show you."

I brushed the damp tangled hair from her eyes and whispered to her
to close each one, waiting until she obeyed.  As soon as she had
relaxed, I leaned over her and let one hand trace a tender path over
her, caressing skin so soft my hand seemed to melt into her.  My
mouth followed my hand and scattered random kisses over her shoulders
and down her arms.  And as I kissed, I told Scully what was in my
heart.

"Did I ever tell you how soft you are, Scully?  How utterly silky
and soft.  I used to yearn to touch you this way - learning your
skin; acquainting myself with every inch of you.  I used to yearn all
the time."  I opened my mouth over one dainty nipple and felt a
shudder rock her frame as I kissed her there.  Sipping at the tender
skin and re-learning her, now without any barrier of clothing between
us.  And I scolded her softly, "Never hide yourself from me, for any
reason, Scully... don't you know how exquisite you are... how much I
adore you?"  I stared down into her eyes, willing her to accept and
to believe.  When her bottom lip trembled into a tiny smile, I knew
she was beginning to see my viewpoint.  I sighed against the slope of
her breast and pressed her down into the bed-sheets, taking my own
sweet time with Scully.

Gently, so gently... I found myself loving the slowness of it, the
prolonged re-building of desire.  The sunlight streaming in the
bedroom window cast her face into a thing of such pure beauty, the
translucence of her flawless skin played up by the bright day. On the
pillow her hair skeined out in a red tangle; I lifted a handful of it
to my face and rubbed my cheek on it - and heard her actually purr.

God... I'd made Scully purr. I loved the way she reacted to me but I
was determined to make her growl, and scream - preferably my name.

I had decided that nothing less would satisfy me...

I abandoned her hair and kissed my way down over her delicate ribs
and tiny waist until I reached hipbones that jutted a little too
much, from the weight she'd lost.  I stroked those sharp little bones
with reverent fingers; they were Scully's hips... and they were just
right for me.  I slipped my hands under her thighs and eased them
apart, my entire body tightening at the easy way she opened for me. 
And I leaned my cheek against her soft, damp curls and rested there,
sighing into her skin when her fingers twined themselves into my hair
and held me.  I could rest there forever, I thought; rest my face
against the very heart of my lover.  I turned my head a little and
found my lips were in the best position to kiss her, deeply.  Where
I'd wanted to kiss, for so very long - 

Scully shivered.  Under my tongue she shivered and sighed and
moaned... and when I sent one tiny nip into her taut flesh she arched
off the bed and her sob was thick and raw.  "Mulder... God!  Don't
stop. Please..."  I nodded and let my tongue burrow deep; driving her
further and harder, wanting her to be on the absolute edge when I
finally covered her body with mine and thrust all the way home.  It
didn't take very much; Scully had been riding that cliff long enough
and she was ready for me when I released her and moved up her body,
between her thighs and positioning myself to slip inside.  I pushed
my hands under her shoulders and locked my mouth to hers, as her body
absorbed me once more.  I took my time and eased myself inside, and
the way she surrounded me was the closest to heaven I think I'd ever
come. 

Sweet... Jesus, so sweet.  At this slow a pace I could feel her
clinging to every inch, bathing me in her loving heat.  It was
amazing the way we fit each other.   When I had filled her
completely, I held very still for a moment, loathe to move.  She felt
so good... who needed to move?  I leaned over her on my forearms and
my hands cradled her head as I groaned out those very words.

"So good, Scully - you feel so good..."  I left my eyes open as I
kissed her and so did she as she kissed me back, and I adored the way
she curled her tongue over mine and left no corner of my mouth
neglected.  I began a careful, slow thrust and she held on,
trembling, trying to match my movements.  I urged, "No, Scully, shh,
stay still, 'kay?  Let me - I wanna do it all, for you... let me." 
She nodded and relaxed her legs.  Her head fell back into the pillows
and those blue eyes burned into mine as I made slow love to her.

If on some future day I was ever asked to describe loving Dana
Scully I would find myself able to utter one word only... perfection.
The easy slowness of our joining enabled me to experience every
nuance of flesh within flesh; it was incredible.  The velvet clasp of
her all around me, the way her hands pressed fiercely into my back
and the broken sighs that echoed in my ear as I slipped deeper -

Perfect.  

To think I might never have known this, if I'd lost her... the mere
thought of it made me choke with emotion and I swallowed the lump
that was forming in my throat.  I buried my face into her neck and
opened my mouth against the pulse that beat strongly, proclaiming her
a survivor - and as my movements intensified and I felt the delicious
pressure build, I pushed a hand between us and touched her gently,
rubbing tenderly... groaning when she suddenly clenched hard as her
orgasm took her over.  Her low scream was sweet to hear; a soft sound
but most definitely a scream.  I felt absurdly proud to know I'd made
her scream, however softly... I covered her mouth with mine and drank
that sound right in.  As the last of her shudders ebbed I felt my own
beginning... unlike anything I'd ever experienced before.  As if it
was my first time - intense and aching, almost painful... almost
enough to make me lose consciousness.  It lasted forever and it was
way too short - and I knew I'd never be satisfied with anything else.
It had to be Scully... only she could give this wondrous experience
to me.  It had always been her, always.  

"Oh, Scully oh Jesus love you love you..."  

Long minutes later I became aware enough to realize that I had
collapsed against her and most of my weight was crushing her into the
mattress.  Every muscle in my body felt strung out from the force of
my climax and I could barely move.  I managed to slide sideways,
enough to afford Scully some breathing room; I turned us both on our
sides and pressed her close, still joined with her.  I watched her
lift eyes gone heavy with sudden weariness; saw the love shining from
them - and was humbled by it.  We shared kisses of such tenderness,
gentle touches from lips already swollen from an abundance of the
passion we'd shared just minutes before.  Scully's heart pounded
against me, proof that she'd probably overdone it.  I felt my own
heart thudding in response and I took several deep breaths as I
cuddled her closer.  She sighed into my shoulder, then yawned
sleepily.

"Sorry... sleepy.  I feel so good, though... warm. Loved.  And it's
been a long, long time since I've felt this loved, Mulder - this
cherished... in fact, this may be a first, in a way - for me."  Her
voice trailed off into a tiny mumble as she yawned again.  I smiled
against her hair and put a hand underneath her chin, lifting her face
for my kiss.  She tasted delicious.  I kissed her deeply, my tongue
gliding inside her mouth with languid thoroughness, as we lay
entwined on the rumpled sheets.  Finally I pulled away and kissed
each of her eyelids closed.

"Sleep, Scully - you need to rest.  Just lay here in my arms and let
yourself drift, okay?  I'm not going anywhere."  Her drowsy retort
made me chuckle, even as the tightening of her narrow center made me
groan a second later.

"Damn straight you're not going anywhere, Mulder... I've got you
trapped.  Stay inside, kay?  Stay there, while we sleep.  I like the
way it feels."  I nodded and maneuvered us into a more comfortable
position.  As her body grew limp in my embrace and her breathing
deepened in slumber I ran my fingers rhythmically through her hair,
soothing us both.  My eyes were growing so heavy but I didn't want to
waste a minute sleeping while I was holding her - didn't want to miss
out on a thing.  Finally I couldn't stay awake any longer and I let
myself relax as well; let myself doze.  Before sleep took me over
completely I managed to pull part of the bedclothes over us,
cocooning us in warmth.  I whispered my adoration into her ear and
she mumbled in reply an almost-incoherent, "Love you back, so
much..."  

Sated through and replete with the emotions we'd shared, Scully and
I slept.

****************

~ Epilogue ~

Three Months Later

I crammed the coffee mug into the bottom of the cardboard box and
pulled open the center drawer of my desk.  Digging through the pens
and paper clips, business cards and other office paraphernalia, I
threw some things into the box and others into the overflowing trash
can beside me.  I stuffed my hand into the drawer and rooted around,
pulling toward me all of the items that had been shoved into the
back.  I crumbled up several old receipts with one hand and tossed
them as well.  Tugging at a small pile of papers that were caught in
the corner of the drawer, I started to sort through them, scanning
each page before throwing it away.  I stopped near the bottom of the
pile and sank down into my seat, holding out an object that had
caught my attention.

It was a photograph - taken of Fox and me by a photographer at the
small dinner club where he'd taken me dancing on our weekend trip to
Boston to celebrate my thirtieth birthday.  I drew in a ragged breath
as my fingers traced over our images in a happier time, captured on
film forever.  I remembered that the photographer had stopped at our
table only moments after we had returned to our seats from the dance
floor.  Fox was tipping a bottle of champagne toward my empty glass
and I was smiling up at him.  Even in this profile shot, the sheer
look of love and joy on my face was evident.  Fox's face was more
sedate, his expression one of deep affection... so at odds with the
adoration on my own - it's a wonder that I never saw the difference
back then.  I knew that I hadn't wanted to see it.

Looking down at the picture, I felt a tug in the vicinity of my
heart but after three months, the pain was not as sharp.   I still
missed him... still thought of him often.  But it was easier to be
apart from him now.  I had begun to heal.  

I looked around the room at the bare walls and the cardboard box
close to overflowing with the personal effects accumulated over the
five years that I had been employed here.  This was another step in
the many I had taken to make changes in my life.  Some of the changes
were small ones...  a month ago I had cut my shoulder-length hair
into a short, stylish bob... and others were big ones.   A new job
awaited me across town with a company that designed web pages.  A
small firm with no more than twenty employees, they were looking for
a full-time accountant and had offered me the job.  I was eagerly
anticipating the move to a younger, more vibrant place to work.

Life goes on.

I glanced up at the sound of a gentle tapping on my door. 

"Come in," I called out.  The door swung open with a near-silent
whoosh and I smiled at the sight of the tall man lounging indolently
against the door-frame.

"Brian," I smiled.  "Come to say goodbye?" I asked.  Brian had
recently been named a partner in the firm and had been a good friend
to me in the years that we had worked together.  He smirked and
pushed away from the door as he stepped into my office.

"You're going to keep in touch, right?" he asked, lifting the coffee
mug out of the box on my desk and studying the design.  He looked up
with grin and I laughed lightly.

"Of course I will," I promised.  "I'll send you my new e-mail
address as soon as I know it.  And you have my home telephone
number," I reminded him.  Brian shook his head back and forth and
carefully set the mug back into the box.

"You know," he said in a slow and thoughtful voice.  "I was thinking
that you might like to go out to dinner some night," he suggested. 
"With me," he amended, in case I didn't understand his meaning.  My
gaze dropped to the picture that I was still clutching in my hands
and I studied it for a second or two before looking back up.  A lock
of dark blonde hair had fallen over his forehead, lending his face a
boyish charm and behind the perpetually teasing glint, his gray eyes
were soft and hopeful.

My first instinct was to say no.  I was still on the rebound...
still trying to get over Fox.  And Brian was a friend... a dear
friend.  I didn't want to ruin that.  But then I remembered a lesson
that I had recently learned... that sometimes the best of friends can
become the best of loves.  I pressed the photograph face down on the
desk, and nodded.

"I'd like that," I said softly... suddenly shy around him.  His
wistful expression disappeared under the force of the sudden grin
that wreathed his face.

"That's great!" he said enthusiastically.  "Are you busy tomorrow
night?"  So soon?  I panicked for a second or two and took a deep
breath to help clear my head.

"Tomorrow would be perfect," I said.  Simple words... perhaps
another new beginning.  Brian's grin grew even brighter if possible,
and he turned back to the door, hurrying before I had a chance to
change my mind.

"I'll pick you up around seven o'clock," he told me as he pulled the
door open.  I felt a tiny stirring of excitement at the thought of
going out on a date with Brian and I knew some of that exhilaration
showed in my eyes when I met his gaze with my own.

"Seven o'clock," I confirmed.  He lifted his hand and waggled his
fingers toward me as he stepped into the hallway and pulled the door
closed behind him.

I tucked the photograph into the box, careful not to crumple it.
"Goodbye Fox," I whispered as I settled the cardboard lid over the
edges of the box.

Life goes on. 

*********************

January... a new year, a new life.  I have been cancer free for
almost three months now.

I juggled a bag of groceries in one arm while I fumbled with my
keys, trying to unlock the door.  No wonder this door has been kicked
in so many times, I thought wryly - the lock was stubborn.  I finally
heard the tumblers slide back and the knob turned easily under my
hand.  I set my keys down on a small table inside the apartment and
nudged the door closed with my hip.  The only light in the room was
the soft blue-green glow of Mulder's aquarium.  I flipped on the
lights as I made my way toward the kitchen.

It was Friday and the end of the last week of the desk duty to which
we had been assigned while I recovered.  Mulder and I had spent the
week reading through half a dozen promising case files and practicing
at the firing range.  I had to re-qualify on my weapon before I could
officially return to field agent status and today I had passed the
qualification exam with flying colors.  While I had been waiting for
the instructor to finish tallying my score, I had turned around to
where I knew Mulder had been watching.

"Nice shooting, Agent Scully," he had said formally, but I could see
the mirth dancing in his eyes.  I grinned, unable to hide my
happiness.

"Thanks," I said.  "Looks like we're going back to work, Partner!" 
I pulled the protective goggles away from my face.  "So we'd better
decide which case we're going to investigate first."  I couldn't wait
to get back to work and I knew that Mulder was just as eager to get
out of that basement as I was.

"I'm going to go back to the office and grab the files so that we
can look them over this weekend," he told me.  He looked around the
room and reached out to quickly tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. 
"Why don't you take the rest of the afternoon off and get some rest? 
This is your last chance to goof off for a while," he reminded me.  

I glanced down at my watch and noted that it was nearly three
o'clock.  I wasn't tired, but he was right. Next week it would be
business as usual.  

"Okay," I said as we watched the instructor make his way toward us. 
A few minutes later we were pouring over the results of my
qualification test.

We had made our way out to the parking lot where my car was waiting
and I drove him back to the Hoover Building. "Mulder," I said as I
pulled into the garage.  "Why don't you pick up some wine on your way
home tonight?" I suggested.  

"Feel like celebrating?" he asked, climbing out of the car.  I
smiled and nodded happily.  Mulder grinned.  "I'll be home in a few
hours," he told me as he pushed the door closed.  I watched him lope
toward the elevators and waited until the doors had closed behind him
before I pulled away.

Home this weekend was Mulder's apartment.  I unloaded the groceries
from their bags and set them onto the counter.  Digging through the
cabinets, I dragged out a heavy skillet and a couple of pots.  While
I prepared dinner, I thought back to the first weekend we had spent
here.  

Mulder had pushed open the door to his bedroom and I had followed
him inside.  I had taken my overnight bag out of his hand and
unzipped it, pulling out a change of clothes and my makeup bag.  I
had looked up at Mulder expectantly and he crossed the room and
opened one of his bureau drawers.  His back stiffened and he
hurriedly pushed the drawer closed.

"Mulder?" I had asked as I moved toward him.  "What's wrong?"  He
had rubbed his fingers nervously over the smooth top of the bureau,
studying the whorls of the wood's grain as if it was the most
fascinating thing he had ever seen.  I reached out and touched him
with one hand.

"Mulder," I said softly.  He heaved out a sigh and pulled the drawer
open again.  I peered inside to find the source of his discomfort.  A
woman's blue sweater, some lacy under things, an unopened package of
pantyhose.  He had raised guilty eyes to mine and I rubbed my hand
reassuringly over his back.

"It's okay, Mulder," I said soothingly.  He shook his head violently
and looked around the room, grabbing a shopping bag that had been
folded up and tucked behind the bureau.

"No," he said.  "I forgot... with everything that's happened, I
thought I had..." his voice trailed off and he began to shove the
items into the bag.  I had curled my hand around his forearm.

"Mulder," I had called to him softly, willing him to look at me. 
"It's okay," I repeated.  He nodded shortly but spent a few minutes
going through each room in the apartment, gathering up the things
that Lillian had left behind and placing them into the bag.  It
didn't take long and I couldn't help but wonder why, after almost
three years, there was so little evidence of her place in his life
and in his home.  

As I cut the chicken into small pieces and slid them into the
skillet with some olive oil, I remembered how Mulder had tucked the
bag into the corner of his closet.  I was still clutching my clothes
in my arms and when he returned to my side, he had taken the small
bundle of clothing away from me.  I expected him to fill the now
empty drawer with my things but he didn't.  Instead, he pushed that
drawer closed and pulled open another.  I had watched him shift some
of his own things around, and although it may have been silly, I had
been deeply moved by the sight of him making room for me in his life.
I had teared up, and Mulder had kissed those silly tears from my eyes
as he'd held me close.  

It seemed he always knew what to do, to bring out the emotional me -
and I found I liked it.  A lot.

I scooped the browning chicken from the pan and spooned it into the
pot of tomato sauce bubbling on the back burner then turned the flame
down to allow the chicken to simmer in the fragrant sauce.  Grabbing
some plates from the cabinet I began to set the table.  The chicken
would be ready in about thirty minutes and I only had to cook the
pasta and fix a salad.  Mulder would be home by then.  

Finished with the table, I went into the bedroom and began to strip
out of my work clothes.  I hung my suit up on a hanger and grabbed a
pair of jeans and a sweater from the bureau, dressing quickly. 
Pulling my hair into a ponytail, I studied my reflection in the
mirror.  A contented smile spread over my face as I looked at myself.
I had regained much of the weight I had lost and my hair was growing
thick and shiny again.  The sparkle in my eyes wasn't merely the
result of reclaiming my health.  My gaze traveled over the surface of
the bureau, noting the presence of my brush, two pairs of earrings
and a tube of lipstick scattered among Mulder's things and I
remembered that Mulder's toothbrush hung next to mine in the bathroom
of my apartment and that his sneakers were sloppily tossed onto the
floor of my closet next to a neatly marked stack of shoeboxes.  Our
lives were becoming irrevocably entwined and I liked it.  

I was tossing the salad when I heard Mulder's key in the lock
followed a few seconds later by his voice.

"I'm home," he called.  I mentally followed his movements by the
sounds he made as he tracked through the apartment.  Thwack! went the
keys as they bounced onto the small table near the door to land next
to my own set with a soft clicking noise.  A dull thud followed
closely by another was the sound of his shoes being toed off and
kicked under the table and the rustling noise was his overcoat being
tossed over the coat stand.  Then there was silence - but I knew he
was close because my heart began tripping in my chest.

"Mmmm," he said as he sidled up behind me and slid his arms around
my waist.  "Something smells good," he murmured, burying his face
against my neck and inhaling deeply.  I leaned my head against his
chest and crossed my arms in front of me, cupping his elbows in my
hands.

"Hi," I said and pulled his arms more tightly around me.  I closed
my eyes and took the time to enjoy the simplicity of the moment...
and I felt my love for him bubble over like the sauce dancing merrily
in the pot on the stove.

"I'm glad you're home," I told him as I turned in his arms and we
shared a tender kiss.  "Dinner is just about ready," I murmured
against his lips.  

There had been other nights when the very nearness of each other was
enough to drive us away from dinner or whatever movie we were
watching and into the bedroom.  And then there were other nights -
nights like this one - where we were content to simply enjoy each
other's company... share a meal... discuss work or our plans for the
weekend.  A normal life... I knew that's what Mulder had been looking
for with Lilly.  Just as I knew that what passed as normal for us
would be unrecognizable as such to others.  Yet we were careful to
carve out these small, simple moments away from the chaos of our
daily lives.

I began to spoon the chicken and sauce into a serving dish.  "Would
you drain the pasta?" I asked, nodding toward the other pot on the
stovetop.  We worked together quickly and easily and soon were
sitting down to eat.

"Everything is going to be different come Monday," I said, stabbing
a piece of chicken onto my fork.  Mulder took a sip of wine and
watched me over the rim of his glass.

"The biggest changes are behind us," he said matter-of-factly.  I
swallowed the bite of chicken and sampled the wine that Mulder had
poured into my glass.  Setting the wineglass down, I traced one
finger around the rim, lost in thought.  Mulder reached across the
table and covered my hand with his own.

"Hey," he said.  I looked up quickly at the note of concern in his
voice.  "You haven't changed your mind, have you?" I could see the
worry in the depths of his hazel eyes and the tiny crease forming
between his eyebrows.  I shook my head violently - hurrying to allay
his fears.

"Oh, no.  Mulder... no," I reassured him quickly.  "I'm not willing
to give you up... give us up," I told him as I laced my fingers with
his.  "I'm sorry," I sighed.  "I've been so happy lately... it makes
me nervous," I admitted.  "Sometimes I don't think I deserve to be so
happy, to have so much..." I shrugged, my voice trailing off
helplessly as I struggled to put my thoughts into words.

"Scully."  Mulder's voice was mildly chiding and he jiggled my
fingers with his own.  "After everything you've been through this
past year..." he paused, biting his lip hard for a moment.  When he
spoke again, tears stood in his eyes.  "No one deserves to be happy
more than you," he said hoarsely.  I swallowed past the huge lump in
my throat.

"We," I said softly.  "WE deserve to be happy, Mulder."  Mulder
smiled and lifted his glass, holding it across the center of the
table.  

"To being happy," he whispered.  I picked up my own glass and
touched it lightly against his, enjoying the tinkling sound the
glasses made as they clinked together.

"To being happy," I agreed.  Mulder lifted his fork and began eating
again.  I watched for a moment, enjoying the simple pleasure of
sitting across the table from him.  Aware of my watchful gaze, he
looked up at me expectantly.

"Scully," he scolded softly.  "We've gone over it a dozen times
already.  We're not going to hide our relationship from anyone - the
FBI, our enemies... Anyone who has a problem with our relationship -
we'll deal with it the way we always have... together."  I took a
deep breath and released it, along with my worries.  Mulder was
right; nothing could separate us now.  We had been searching for each
other all of our lives.  The love we had been looking for had been
right in front of us for five years.  There was no power in heaven or
on earth strong enough to rip him from my arms.  I would never let
him go.

We finished dinner and while Mulder was cleaning up, I took a quick
shower and changed into a pair of pajamas.  When I came back into the
living room, Mulder was sprawled out on one end of the couch.  He had
topped off our wineglasses and they were waiting on the coffee table.
I sat down next to him and snuggled under the arm that he draped over
my shoulder.  Mulder pulled the Mexican throw from the back of the
sofa and tucked it around our legs and we settled down to sip our
wine and watch television.

Midway through the news, Mulder gently pulled his arm from around my
shoulder.  "I'm going to hop into the shower," he told me as he
climbed to his feet.  He rearranged the blanket across my legs and
ran his hand over the crown of my head in a gentle caress.  When the
sports report began, I stood and took the empty wineglasses into the
kitchen.  Rinsing them out, I left them in the sink and then wandered
back into the living room to listen to the weather forecast for the
rest of the weekend.  Hmmm... a chance for snow.  I smiled at the
thought of being snowed in with Mulder and clicked the television
off.  I heard the squeak of the shower being shut off and I went into
the bedroom to begin getting ready for bed.

I was pulling the quilt to the bottom of the mattress when the
bathroom door opened and steam billowed out in a rolling cloud.  I
looked up to see Mulder walking into the bedroom, rubbing his wet
hair with a towel, a pair of pajama bottoms riding low on his hips. 
He stopped at the foot of the bed and I watched a bead of water drip
from the tip of his hair to roll slowly down his neck and onto his
shoulder.  My eyes tracked the path of that droplet... and I was
thirsty for a taste.  Unaware of my hungry perusal, Mulder raked his
fingers through his hair, sending a sprinkling of moisture onto his
torso, but my gaze was fixated on that first drop as it leisurely
made its way from his shoulder onto his chest, where it paused and
quivered on one of the flat nipples veiled in the smattering of hair
sprinkled over Mulder's chest.  How mesmerizing...

I had to have that drop of water.

I reached out and pulled him across the few inches that separated us
by the drawstrings knotted at the waistband of his pajamas.  My mouth
opened over his chest and my tongue lapped up the tiny liquid bead...
Mmmm.  I felt his body jerk with surprise when my lips moved over his
chest - my tongue chasing the droplets of moisture from his body. 
There, surely that taste was the sweetest... No, I thought, as my
mouth greedily drank from the dampness pooled in the hollow of his
throat - that spot, right... there - that was the most delicious.  

"Ohhhh."  Mulder's deep groan vibrated against my parched lips.  I
ran my hands over his damp shoulders and slid my fingers into his wet
hair.  I pushed him down onto the bed and stepped between his spread
legs.  Gripping the silky strands of his hair in my hands, I tugged
his head back and lowered my mouth onto his.

"You taste so good," I mumbled against his lips before my tongue
slipped into his mouth for a more thorough exploration.  I could
taste the mint of his toothpaste and a hint of the smokiness of the
wine we had been drinking earlier... and underneath it all, I tasted
Mulder.  My tongue rubbed against his and slid over his teeth.  I
retreated and lured him into following me, sucking his tongue into my
mouth hungrily. I wanted more.

"Lie down."  I pushed his shoulders and he dropped obligingly onto
the sheets. I leaned over him and ran the flat of my tongue across
his clavicle, stroking it over his Adam's apple, which bobbed
convulsively in his throat when my mouth lingered there.  

"Mulder," I sighed over his heart.  I scratched my fingernails
lightly across his pectorals and watched the flat nipples harden
under my touch.

"God!"  His breath exploded out of his chest when I tugged on the
waistband of his pajamas and fastened my lips onto the soft skin of
his stomach.  I ran my tongue over his hair-roughened skin and
scraped my teeth over the hardness of his hipbone.  His body was damp
now with perspiration and I lifted my mouth from his quivering flesh
to pull my pajama top over my head, tossing it onto the floor.

"Come here," he moaned and I smiled at the aching sound of his
voice, pleased to be responsible for that ache, happy to be strong
enough now to drive him to distraction - to be an equal participant
in our lovemaking... or to take the lead if I wanted.

"No," I whispered against his skin.  "Not yet."  I made quick work
of the knot at the waistband of his pajamas and hooked my fingers
into the elastic, drawing the soft material over his hips and down
his legs.  My name was a serrated sigh on his lips as my fingers
traced a path over his legs.  His strong thighs tightened around me
convulsively as my breath washed over him.

"Yeahyeahyeah," he chanted when my tongue darted out to lap at tip
of his erection.  My mind noted the new tastes - dark... musky...
Mulder.  I lifted my mouth from him and his hips jerked with every
puff of my breath as I spoke.

"You're mine, Mulder," I said.  "I've wanted you forever and I'll
never let you go," I vowed and when I closed my mouth over him, he
howled my name and sat up, bowing his body over me, tangling his
fingers in my hair.

"Stop... don't... oh!  Don't stop," he panted.  My heart thrilled at
the wild tone of his voice, his broken pleas and murmurs - the sound
of my name on his lips.

His lips... I wanted to taste his mouth again, to draw his breath
into me.  I lifted my head and looked into his turbulent eyes... and
I smiled.  A big, happy grin broke over my face and I flung my arms
around his neck and toppled him back onto the bed, peppering his face
with kisses.

"Mine, mine, MINE!" I sang out.  Mulder framed my face in his hands,
holding me still as he lifted his head to brush his mouth over mine.

"Always," he whispered against my lips.  "From the day I was
born..." I struggled between laughter and tears, laughter winning out
when he rolled me beneath him and stripped my pajama bottoms and
panties from my legs.

"Ha!" he exclaimed as he settled between my legs, thrusting his hips
suggestively against mine.  "I've got you right where I want you!"  I
grinned happily and wound myself around his waist.  Wrapping gentle
fingers around him, I drew him toward me.

"No." I panted with the long, liquid slide of his body into mine. 
"I've got you exactly where I want you."  I smiled triumphantly up
into his beautiful face.  He closed his eyes and pushed forward slow,
slowly... achingly slow.

"That's what I said," he groaned as I arched my hips up to meet his.
"You've got me just where I wanted to be." His teeth worrying his
bottom lip was a testimony to the exquisite pressure building between
us, but the devilish light dancing in his eyes and the smile I could
feel breaking over my face were evidence of the joyous pleasure we
took in each other's nearness.

"Mulder."  I moaned his name and slid my hands over his back and
into his hair.  He dug his fingers into the sheets and pushed himself
even deeper within me.

"What?" His voice was a hoarse rasping sound near my ear.  I turned
my face toward his and stared into hazel eyes that had gone blurry
with pleasure.

"Shut up and kiss me," I ordered.  He shoved his fingers into my
hair and tilted my lips up to his.  My arms and legs tightened around
him as he lowered his mouth to mine.

"Yes, ma'am," he murmured.  Damn.  He always had to have the last
word.

*****************

Sunlight streamed in through the window and across my face; I could
feel it though I was still in a half-conscious state. Yawning, I
rubbed at my eyes and burrowed my nose into the pillow, unwilling to
fully awaken just yet.  I was surrounded by warmth, my muscles ached
a little and the taste of wine was still in my mouth.  A small
furnace pressed into my back, all along my body from neck to knees. 
Scully... 

No, I didn't want to awaken and didn't want to move, ever.  I felt
so good, inside and out.  Sated with delicious food and wine; the
best loving this side of heaven - last night had been incredible. 
Not because of where we'd gone, since we'd stayed in and watched TV
all evening.  Incredible because we were together.  That was enough,
I'd say.  In fact it was beyond what I'd hoped for and prayed for all
those months ago when I'd first discovered Scully's cancer.  Back
then my only fervent prayer had been the sparing of her life.  

Now, all my prayers had been answered and every wish fulfilled.  It
had been over three months since her release from the hospital and
every day Scully was getting stronger.  She'd put back on most of the
weight she had lost and although she was still too thin, her face and
body had filled out and her skin once more glowed with good health. 
A daily exercise regimen had begun to rebuild lost muscle tone and
she'd been approved for field work after having spent the better part
of a month in the office with me on desk duty.  After getting her
weapon re-qualification she was pronounced ready to function normally
during a standard workday which for us meant that she was once more
acting fully as my partner.

Boy, was she ever... I lay in bed with my fully-functioning partner
snuggled up against my naked ass, one hand wound loosely around my
waist, and thought about the past few months.  

We'd spent every night together, either at my place or at hers.  At
first I'd balked at trying to spend any time in my apartment; it was
a mess most of the time and I'd hated to see Scully uproot herself
just for a night in my dusty digs.  But she'd grinned at me and
pushed me out the door of her building, her small overnight bag in my
hands, claiming that my fish had to be missing me and were probably
starved.  Faced with such logic I could do nothing more than obey her.

Once there, Scully made herself at home, which warmed me to no end. 
I loved finding places for her to stash her belongings, and the first
time I nestled her underthings next to my boxers in the same
drawer... the soft, damp eyes she turned my way just wiped me out.  I
remembered how I'd gathered her close and kissed her wet lashes,
murmuring my love into her ear in response to her snuffled, "Thank
you, Mulder..."

Our shoes mingled together in leather-and-lace bliss on my closet
floor and her make-up happily cluttered my dresser.  Likewise in her
apartment I had marked out various places in each room, and had
staked my ownership in bits and pieces.  It was comforting - it was
refreshingly normal -

And it was ten times more in just a few short months than I had ever
had with Lilly, in almost three years.  And my very acceptance of
this magical blending told me stronger than any words just how right
Scully and I were, together.  

Meant to be - I knew this for truth.

Since in the beginning she'd still been recuperating, I'd made
Scully go to bed early every night, and most nights I went in with
her - spending hours either watching her sleep, or in pleasurable
worship of her every trembling inch...  As we'd become more familiar
with each other's needs and desires, we gained confidence in our
ability to please each other.  I discovered a passionate side to Dana
Scully that I'd long suspected was there but that had always been
buried by her no-nonsense attitude and her scientific nature.  In bed
she was as sensual as could be and more woman than I'd ever had in my
sorry existence.  Out of bed her brush with death had left both of us
with an appreciation of the brevity of life - and determined to stop
wasting it by pretending our feelings were of no consequence.  We
were both hungry for the words that accompanied our actions and
quantified our love... now we weren't afraid to say them.  

True, we still kept our private life together mostly private - but
now, we could be out in public view and the touch of Scully's hand on
my arm would be enhanced by a whispered, "I love you"... My hand on
the low of her back would convey much more than simple support when I
bent into her hair and murmured my desire to place my hands in other,
more sensitive areas of her sweet body.

Her shiver of response would make me tighten all over...

I opened one eye and peered blearily at the night stand clock. 
Seven AM.  Thank God it was Saturday - we had a long, delicious
weekend together, with nothing more strenuous than dinner with
Scully's mom and a long telephone conversation with my mother to wish
her a Happy Birthday.  Since I'd come back from visiting her, Mom and
I had come to such a better understanding of each other, and our
phone calls were now much less stilted and more conversational, more
loving.  Another reason to be thankful and happy - I had missed my
mother, so much - and now I felt in some small way that I'd gotten
her back as well.

My sleepy thoughts were interrupted by the warm mouth that trailed
across my back and the hand that slipped down my stomach to clasp me
loosely.  Already halfway to hard from the feel of her pressing into
me, Scully's hand brought me the rest of the way in an instant.  I
groaned under my breath and fought to stay still, pretending to be
asleep, wondering how far she'd go to tease me awake.

My partner is a very methodical, thorough woman... Jesus.  It took
every ounce of my self-control not to just flip around and pin her to
the mattress, once those determined fingers decided to make
themselves felt.  They stroked and rubbed, cupped and caressed until
I couldn't hold it in... I sent one loud groan into my pillow and
twisted around to face my tormentor - who had a huge grin on her
beautiful face.  I trapped her hand between us when I shoved her
underneath me, and her smirking retort made me laugh against her lips
when I kissed them.

"Jeez, Mulder... you are SO easy..."  I swallowed her words and most
of her breath in the kiss I took.  Morning kisses with Scully... God,
sweeter than any candy.  I nibbled and licked at the fullness of her
lips, dipping inside for a better taste, hearing the soft moan she
released as the movements of our mouths deepened and our hearts beat
harder and faster.  Without breaking the kiss, I made short work of
the buttons on her nightshirt and tugged it off, tossing it blindly
over my shoulder.  Her protesting mumble against my mouth didn't
deter me in the least.

"Mmm, Mulder... wait.  I need to brush my teeth -" One of her hands
pushed at my shoulder and I let a growl loose into her open mouth and
pinned her hand down.

"I'll brush them for you... with my tongue."  And I proceeded to do
just that - working my way over each one thoroughly. I melted down
onto her soft body and stroked her, inside and out, with my tongue
and my hands.  She tasted delicious and felt intoxicatingly right in
my arms and all I wanted to do was love her this way forever. 
Starting with her delectable mouth...

I couldn't seem to get enough of Scully's mouth.  All during the
years of our partnership there were plenty of times when those lush
lips of hers held such fascination for me, but in my blindness I
never understood why. I'd thought it had to do with my normal male
appreciation for a beautiful woman, but oh... it went so much deeper
than that.  

Now I knew.  I had been born to kiss her lips, hold her body in my
hands - wrap her heart into my soul.  It just took me a long time to
sort it all out, and act upon it.  Almost too long... almost too late.

I would never make that mistake again... never.

I pressed Scully down into the bed and as I loved her I concentrated
on every sigh and moan those sweet lips uttered against my neck, or
my shoulder.  I reveled in the trembling touch of her fingers over my
skin and wallowed in the twining of her tender limbs all around me. 
The look in her intensely blue eyes as they stared into mine, keeping
visual track of the expression on my face when our bodies merged and
our breaths combined in yet another kiss - 

I would fold that look into a small and precious memory and store it
forever in my mind.  As I moved within the woman I loved and we
celebrated another morning together I sent a heartfelt thanks
heavenward for the gift I'd been given; the gift I'd treasure above
all others...

Dana Scully's love.

*************************

"Scully..."  

"Mmmm... I'm asleep."

"No, you're not - and if you are then wake up.  I've got a great
idea."

"Does it involve me engaged in some sort of sleep activity?"

"N-oooo... it involves a little vacation.  Me and you.  I think we
need a break, away from DC.  Don't you?  I mean... it's been months
since we've been out in the field, staying in some seedy motel,
eating lousy take-out... don't you miss it, Partner?"

"No."

"Well, how about foregoing the seedy motel and the lousy take-out,
and just taking time, instead?  We've got leave stashed; I say we use
it.  Find some beach somewhere just waiting for us to lay all over
it, and... What?  Why're you snickering, Scully?"

"Well... actually - I've sort of been thinking the same thing,
Mulder.  In fact, I already scheduled us for a little trip..."

"Scully!  Do tell!  Some exotic locale, teeming with aqua waters and
white sand and frozen daiquiris?"

"Welllll... yes, and no.  I chose Florida, because -"

"Florida!  Scully, baby!  We're going to Florida?  Oh man, I can
almost feel the sun; smell the surf and taste the salt in the air...
What?  OWWW!  You pinched my... you pinched me!"

"It was the only way I could get you to shut up!  It's not the
beach, Mulder.  It's - well, actually... oh, God.  It's a seminar,
okay?  I signed us up for a seminar, in Florida."

"A seminar."

"Oh, please. Mulder... don't do that; don't give me that wounded
puppy face - you know I can't resist it.  And I didn't have a choice,
honestly I didn't!  Skinner cornered me a few weeks ago when you were
down the street getting coffee.  Told me we were ridiculously behind
with our participation in that damn continuing education program the
FBI insists on adhering to.  He ordered me to sign us up for
something on the main list and go at the earliest opportunity.  I
should have told you sooner but I only got everything finalized a few
days ago."

"Oh, shit.  I probably don't want to hear this, do I?"

"It's not that bad, truly it isn't.  The lists of seminars were
mostly pretty lame, but I did find one that sounded fairly promising.
It's over a weekend and the hosting hotel is very nice.  And I think
we'd enjoy this one, Mulder."

"Okay... what is it?"

"Team-building..."

"You have GOT to be kidding.  What could some goofy seminar teach us
about team-building, Scully?  We're already the best team going!"

"Mulder, try to keep an open mind, please?  We don't have a choice. 
Skinner gave us a direct order this time - we can't keep avoiding
these courses.  This one has an added bonus - it will give us one-
third the make-up credits we need."

"Aww, baby... I don't want to go waste our time at some stupid
seminar!  I wanna go have some fun, with you..."

"Mulderrrrr... I promise you we'll have fun - I swear we'll find
plenty of time to enjoy ourselves.  And if you go willingly, without
further whining... I promise I'll make it worth your while."

"Oooo... care to give me a preview of how worthwhile you plan on
making it, Agent?"

"Gladly, Partner.  Just lie back, and allow me to start that team-
building, right now..."

"Oh, yeah... I love building teams..."

"Shut up, Mulder..."

"Yes, Ma'am."


End



Author's Notes:

Tess goes first:  I think I let all of two days go by after we
finished posting Deliverance From Evil before I started in on Char
again.  I told her that I wanted to write a Mulder/Other story that
ended in MSR but that I was afraid that I would find myself feeling

too badly for Scully and would not give Mulder a fair shake.  Char
wrote back with a couple of suggestions and I kept more or less
brushing them off wondering to myself "Geez, what is it going to take
to get her to offer to co-author this with me?"  LOL! Finally, after
about four e-mail exchanges, she took the bait and not only suggested
that we center the story around the cancer arc, but also introduced
Lilly in the prologue. We decided that we didn't want the other woman
in this story to be a homicidal maniac or a bitch, but rather,
someone that Mulder actually wanted to be with.  Someone that really
was a threat to Mulder and Scully's relationship because she was a
good and loving person.

My love and boundless thanks to Char for writing this with me, for
her friendship and her humor.  I'm hooked on this partnership but I
promise to take a step back and let you catch up on all of your other
writing commitments!  Thanks Char for bringing this story to life
with me.

Char's turn:

Like it took any amount of persuasion for me to collaborate a second
time with Tess!  I just about forced her into putting together an
outline!  I thought her idea of a Mulder/Other blossoming into a
solid MSR, and with a gentle and nice Other, to be a real challenge. 
And as always writing with Tess is an absolute joy.  Her Scully is
just wonderful and her dialogue is always right-on target.  

I look forward to our next endeavor, which I feel won't be all that
far in the future!  It's just too much fun writing with my Tessie! 
Love you too, Sweetie!


As you might expect, we have a list of people to thank for their
help in bringing this story to life.  To Paige, cheerleader
extraordinaire, as always, our deepest gratitude.  Aly, mystie,
David, and Foxsong all received advance copies and were lavish not
only with their praise, but their suggestions as well.  To the gang
at IWantToBelieve for their support and kindness as we previewed the
fic on the list.  They are the best!


You can find our stories, both by collaboration and individually at:

http://char.chaffin.com or http://tessfiles.envy.nu