Title: Speed of Pain Author: Eliz Hanson Rating: R, but on the fine line of PG-13, too Summary: Mulder's feeling really down and out and dishes out his feelings Keywords: VA, UST (well, it is for me, the anti-shipper morbid girl, hehe) Archive: yes, anywhere! just leave my name and addy! Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, blah, blah. blah. Speed of Pain belongs to the wonderfully misunderstood artist Marilyn Manson. ;) Notes: I write this with great pain because right now I could've been at the Marilyn Manson concert, but instead I had to go to Florida and not be able to get tickets.... woe is me. ;) I dedicate this to Katvictory & Co. That sentence about scraping "what was left of Mulder out of the car" even made me cringe. Kudos! Feedback: YES!!! anything will be accepted at Elizabeth_Hanson@juno.com. Please!!I will bow down to you forever. Now on with my little work. #Speed of Pain# **** They slit our throats Like we were flowers And our milk has been devoured **** From the beginning, we had stood next to each other. Even if the trust hadn't been there right off the bat. There was something else. Much more important than just trust. That was the way it had been for me, at least. *I had never been an option for myself, nor my own needs. There was no other cause for me, except you. I had confessed that to you. Maybe not exactly the same way, but I thought you understood. I thought you meant the same thing in the hallway. There, I thought I knew, nothing could stop us. We were one. That we were almighty and no force was too powerful. No matter who did what to you or I, the other was always there to stop it. To make it better. Of course, that was a long time ago, nieve and wishful thinking. Now I know no matter how close you can be to someone, it can end just as easily as it began. **** When you want it it goes away too fast When you hate it it always seems to last But just remember when you think you're free The crack inside your fucking heart is me **** Maybe it is my fault, too. You just got too tired of waiting for me to advance further. I had taken your presence for granted all those years, never appreciating nor thinking where I would be without you. But you can be so fucking heartless sometimes. Giving me that grin of yours then spilling your guts. How did you expect me to act when you told me you were leaving me??? After everything we had been through together. Everything we had learned and suffered. Then you just pick up and leave as if it means nothing but another act in life. Not worrying about my feelings or thoughts, but just telling me, leaving me in the dark. It seems like some sort of poetic justice, perhaps. For those times I had ditched you on the job. But that had been part of our relationship, I had done that for your own good. I never wanted to put you in any danger. And you would probably tell me that had hurt you. That was just the tip of the iceberg of pain. Nothing close to where I am now. And now you will never have the opportunity to feel it. **** I wanna outrace the speed of pain for another day I wish I could sleep But I can't lay on my back Because there's a knife for everyday that I've known you **** Of course the word spread around real fast. People wondered what I did to piss off the Ice Queen to finally call it quits with Spooky. The first person who confronted me on it was Agent Colton. I was suspended from working after I busted him up. As you had the time of your life, I was losing everything in mine It would've been fine, too, if maybe you talked to me. But you thought that leaving the job with me would mean abandoning even the relationship we had. I had never thought the "Trust no one" applied to you, but I found out opposite quite quickly. After a week, I knew you weren't coming back to me, ever. I thought back to your bureau nickname, Ice Queen. It was ringing quite true now. Yet, to my knowledge, I laid awake every night. Waiting for you to come through my door. As you had so many times before. I waited for your phone calls, but they never came. I began to stop those habits I knew you hated. I thought those would bring you back. It would've made you proud. But it still didn't make you come back. As much as I was mad at you for just leaving me, I still loved you so much. You meant everything to my life. You had given me a reason to live. Even if it didn't seem so to you. **** When you want it it goes away too fast When you hate it it always seems to last But just remember when you think you're free The crack inside your fucking heart is me **** Things started to go ok again. I knew you would be coming back soon. I was nearly a perfect man. Everything I knew you wanted. I found out I wouldn't be going back to the bureau. They finally had enough against me. But that seemed so senseless now. I knew you would still love me. You had to. I waited and waited for you to come, but you still wouldn't. **** I wanna outrace the speed of pain for another day **** That's when I took the initial step. That had to have been what you were waiting for. I called you, but you didn't want to talk. You said you had to go, that you had started over now. I pleaded with you, I told you how I changed, how you would be proud of me, how you could love me again. You told me then how that wasn't it. That you did care for me, but didn't want to see or hear from me anymore. You were living a new life and how you didn't want to think back to your old one. You asked for my forgiveness. I gave it to you, but in vain. **** Lie to me, Cry to me, Give to me I would Lie with me, Die with me, Give to me I would Keep all your secrets wrapped in dead hair **** I decided this wouldn't be the end. My love for you was too deep. And I knew you loved me. But perhaps you needed help discovering it. I would help you. We were bonded together. Soulmates of the finest form. That's why I came to your apartment tonight. You were surprised to see me, and angry too. I tried to explain everything to you, from the beginning. You didn't seem angry anymore. But then you tried to contradict me, as usual. You told me that I needed help, that I needed to talk to someone. But if I do, who's fault is it? But your words didn't matter. You were too stubborn to let it go. There was only one way for us to be together. You did put up one hell of a fight, though. But in the end I overpowered you. You're laying on the ground now, taking your last breathes of life, I imagine. I lay down next to you and hold your hand. You just don't understand how hard it was for me to do this. And I did this out of love. I know someday you'll understand, though. I clutch the gun with my other hand and keep yours in my other. I fire it one last time. Now we are free. **** I hope at least we die holding hands for always **** End Don't forget to email me!!! Elizabeth_Hanson@juno.com. Please, Please, Please!! Maybe that stupid trip to Flordia was good after all, it gave me time to explore the psyche section of my new Merck. A new edition now, not 20 years old!! life is good for the moment. ;)