Title: "Sea of Fear" by tyger1013 Classification: SA Keywords: Mulder/Scully friendship, rape Rating: R Spoilers: none Summary: Mulder is haunted by repressed memories, and he has to find a way to live with them. WARNING: This story is not for the weak of stomach and contains memories of childhood rape---if this subject bothers you, please choose another story to read....NO MINORS! This is my first attempt at fan-fic, and although this is a quite disturbing story, for some reason I felt i had to write it... Please e-mail me and let me know what you think--thanks! tyger1013@hotmail.com Disclaimer: Fox Mulder, his family, Dana Scully and Walter Skinner are all property of Chris Carter and Ten Thirteen Productions...this story is just for "fun" and will never be used by the author for profit...Thanks for "The X-Files" , Chris : ) "Sea of Fear" He listened to the familiar muffled padding of his socked feet pacing the cold wooden floor, felt the heavy silence of his apartment weighing on his shoulders like an unwanted burden. He was used to the long, lonely nights that he spent, unable to sleep, sometimes from the nightmares, sometimes from the worries that plagued his mind. Tonight, though, he did not want to sleep, did not want to close his eyes and be taken into the dark world of his memory, for he felt something frightening tugging at his mind, something that threatened to reveal a memory lost, one he did not care to remember. His head throbbed with an aching pain that begged for a release that he dared not allow. This was the third night he had stayed up, successfully fending off the terror that he knew would inevidably come once he rested his eyes. It was ten past midnight, and he felt too tired to keep up his frantic pacing. He fell into his couch murmuring to himself that he would not allow its inviting softness lull him into sleep. He yawned, and feeling his heavy eyes moisten, he could no longer fight himself and drifted into sleep. He started as he felt someone crawl into bed with him. He whipped his head around and saw his father. Before he had a chance to ask why he was there, he felt his father's hand slide into his pajama pants and underneath his underwear. He gasped and jerked away, only to have his father grab him by his hair and pull him back close to him. Fox protested but the warning pull at his head stopped him cold. He felt his father's cold hands as they touched him, sending a creepy shiver up and down his spine. Fox cried out, awakening his four-year-old sister in the bed across from him. Her small head popped up from her pillow, staring at her big brother's bed in confusion. "Daddy, what are you doing?," she asked. "Go back to sleep, Samantha," he said curtly. She continued to watch her father and saw the movement in Fox's pajamas. Although she was little, she wasn't stupid, snd she knew what was in that place. She didn't understand why her daddy would be doing that. But when she looked at her brother and saw the pain and fear and shame in his face, she knew that what her father was doing was very wrong. "Daddy, stop it. You're hurting Fox." Surprised, she saw her father leap out of the bed and suddenly she felt his hand squeezing her throat. "If you ever wake up again while I'm in here, I'll kill your brother." Tears involuntarily fell from her eyes as she saw her father's sudden change into a monster. She was terrified and helpless. He left her and returned to his previous activities with Fox. The boy felt a rush of intense shame and helplessness as he felt his father's hand stroking him. He began to cry, but his father cut him off--"Fox, if you ever wake your sister up again, I will kill her," he whispered into his terrified son's ear, so softly that he was the only one who heard it. The hot breath in his ear made Fox shiver with repulsion. He felt a scream building inside him that he knew he could never release, strangely knowing that this feeling would visit him every night until he could leave home. He somehow knew that each night he would feel his father touching him, having to hold in all of his tears and wimpers and screams to protect his little sister's life. And he knew that things would only get worse. He felt his father's breath on the back of his neck and he wanted to die...The hand moved... Mulder shot up on his couch, covered in sweat and shaking violently. He felt a fear so deep that he thought it would suck all the air from his apartment. He had to get out of there, he had to run... ############# Scully heard her doorbell and looked hazily at her clock. It read 2:40 AM. She shook some of the sleepiness from her head and rose to answer the door. She looked through the peephole and saw Mulder's outline, and she unlocked the door and opened it with concern. What she saw she had not prepared herself for, had never seen before. Mulder stood there, broken and limp, hair dishevelled and his flushed cheeks stained with tears. He was shaking uncontrollably, and had a pain in his eyes so deep that she had never seen it worn by another human soul. She finally spoke, stunned. "Mulder, come in," was all her mouth could manage to say. As he shuffled past her, she suddenly broke out of her stunned trance. He stood there, not knowing how to say what he had remembered, not knowing what to do. She saw his lost look and took his hand, led him to sit down on the sofa. She didn't say a word, just instinctively pulled his head to her and wrapped her arms gently around him. As he nestled his head on her breast, he felt the comfort of being held, of her hand softly stroking his hair. The caress reached into him deeply and touched his pain, and he soon found himself sobbing violently in the warm safety of his partner's arms. She soothed him, speaking to him softly, holding him as the most tender mother would. She rocked him slowly, the rhythm tugging gently but firmly at Mulder's pain, causing him to lose himself completely in his grief. Eventually he began to calm down, and, still holking him close, Scully gently asked her partner, "Mulder, what happened?" Through his sobs, he choked out a few rough words. "I was...dreaming...and--" He winced with pain as Scully felt his arms tighten strongly around her waist. She kissed his head softly and said in a soothing voice, "It's okay, Mulder. I'm right here. No one is going to hurt you right now. You're safe." Her voice seemed to calm him, his grip loosining slightly. "Tell me, honey." He quickly blurted out the memory that had returned tohim, wanting the embarrasment to be over as quickly as possible. As Scully heard his horrific memory, she felt him bury his head deeper in shame and his grip on her tightened again. She could not understand what had just come from her partner's strained voice. 'No,' she thought. 'No, this didn't happen. No. No. I just won't...' and her denial suddenly faded away as Mulder looked up at her, and all she saw there was the deeply wounded soul of a little boy. A tear fell from her eye as she realised the dark reality of what had happened to him. All of the cold skepticism and doubtful questioning that had dominated her for so many years slipped away with that one haunting glance. ################# She laid him down in the bed, pulling the covers over him. "You call me if you need anything. Now just rest." As she reached to turn off the bedside lamp, she felt Mulder's hand stop her. She looked back at him. "Please, Scully. Will you sleep with me tonight?," he asked with frightened eyes. "Sure, Mulder," she answered, reaching again to switch off the light. She was stopped by Mulder's yelp. "No!" She jumped back, looking at her partner. "Sorry, Scully--I didn't mean to yell...please...leave the light on." She brushed his hair back from his eyes and walked round the bed to climb in next to him. He rested his head on her chest as she held him and stroked his hair, lulling him to sleep... She awoke to hear him whimpering in his sleep, then she heard him mumble..."Samantha...I'm so sorry...please please don't let go of me. Please don't leave me. I'm so scared...Samanth--" He jerked awake, soaking wet and trembling with fear. Scully squeezed his hand. "It's okay, Mulder. I'm right here. You're safe now." He breathed in short, shallow gasps. She rested her hand on his forehead, kissed his head. He clung to her tightly. "I remembered more what...Samantha would alwaays climb in bed with me when it was over...she'd hold me all night...I felt so safe with her...that was the only time I could sleep..." His voice trailed off into painful tears of loss as he realised she was gone...and he remembered what all the nights were like after that...when she wasn't there to comfort him...when the things his father did got more terifying and more painful...lying there alone in the dark in the bed, the sick feeling of hot, sticky liquid leaking out of him...all alone...no one to hold him, to kiss his tears away...no one to cry to...no one to...no one to love him...he thought back to his mother and her coldness toward him, blaming him for his sister's disappearance. Ignoring his pleading whines to make his father stop> Telling him to forgive his father, that the man was just under stress.... "It wasn't your fault, sweetheart," he heard Scully say, realising that he had been thinking aloud. He responded only with quiet whimpering, burying his head in her chest and holding on to her tightly, as if she were going to be taken away, too. Scully soothed him and eventually heard his soft breath deepen into the sweet breath of sleep. ############## She arrived at Skinner's office alone, the Assistant Director looking up at her quizzically. "Where is Agent Mulder?" he asked, annoyed that his agent had decided to skip out on his meeting. Agent Scully sat down slowly with a heavy sigh. "Is something wrong?" he asked with concern. "Agent Mulder is at my apartment right now. He couldn't come to work...he is not..." Her voice trailed off. "Agent Scully, what is going on?" She hesitated. "He came to my house late last night in terrible condition...he's...he's having flashbacks to his childhood...things...things that...terrible memories. I think...he needs some time off." Skinner cocked his head with confusion. A soft look of kindness came to his eyes. He wasn't sure what to say..."Please tell him that he may take some time off...that I WANT him to take some time off..." Scully choked back a sob. ############ She returned home to find an empty room. "Mulder?" she asked, looking around for him. She searched the apartment and couldn't find him. Scully decided she would change clothes and go look for him. When she opened her closet she found him there...still in the pajamas she had put on him the night before, huddled in the back corner of the closet, shaking all over with terror, a glaze over his eyes. She kneeled down to meet his eyes. "Mulder?" she asked, cautiously resting her hand on his shoulder. His voice did not respond, and neither did the soul trapped behind those empty and far away eyes. A tear came to her eyes as she tried to get him to respond to her. She pulled his fragile frame to her and held him. As her fingers ran through his hair, a tortured whine came from his throat followed by intense sobs as he came back to this world. He squeezed her tight. "I'm so scaredI'm so scared...You weren't hereyouweren't hereyou weren't--" She quieted his frenzied murmurs with a soothing "Shhh...I'm here now...I'm sorry I left you..." She slowly rocked him as she felt his warm tears on her breast. She felt so helpless. She didn't know what to do. ########## Scully tried to distract Mulder by renting some movies. She made popcorn and flopped on the sofa next to him. He was able to divert himself for the night, and Scully smiled inside. ########### She slept with him again tonight, holding him from behind. He felt safe with her at his back...like Samantha used to do...that way he knew his father couldn't come up from behind him and surprise him. The warmth of her breath on his neck calmed him. "I guess I know now why I always sleep on my sofa," he offeredin a humourous tone. Scully squeezed his hand in a quiet response. ############## The months following were difficult for both Scully and MUlder. After a couple of weeks, Mulder returned home to sleep alone again on his sofa. He would be awakened each night with the feeling of his father's hands still on him...still there...sometimes he would still make his way to Scully's apartment and sleep in the warm safety of her arms. Although the memories and nightmares haunted him day and night, and although he was most often stricken with fear which came for no rational reason, he felt safer in the world. Because he knew that now there was someone to hold him at night if he really needed it...there was someone who loved him and could soothe his pain, if only for a few moments in the sea of fear that he lived in. THE END Please send your comments to: tyger1013@hotmail.com Thanks!