Moose on the Loose: Being Alive By Caroline McKenna Spoilers: None Summary: Mulder learns to appreciate being alive. Category: MSR, UST, MT Rating: PG Feedback: Yes, please Email: cmckenna1121@yahoo.com Disclaimer: All things associated with the X-Files do not belong to me. They are property of Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and FOX. Written for the Mulder's Refuge Moose on the Loose Challenge Author's note: Please excuse any mistakes, as this was written without beta. Thanks ~Being Alive~ "Shh. Be vewy qwiet. We're hunting wabbits," Mulder smiled at the television screen, where Elmer Fudd was so adeptly chasing Bugs Bunny. It was such a classic cartoon that, even though he had seen it many times over, it still made him laugh. "Hey Scully!" he hollered into his kitchen where his partner was making coffee. He loved their weekend movie nights, even when it was Scully's turn to pick the movie. He didn't mind her sappy "chick flicks" as much as he let on. It provided him a chance to get close to her, to be her friend, free from the constrictions of their work and even of their partnership. He could laugh and joke with her without having to worry about getting things done, or the preoccupations of whatever case they were supposed to be working on. "What Mulder?" came her response, muffled slightly by the wall separating them. "Have you ever thought about why Elmer Fudd continues to chase Bugs? I mean, why doesn't he ever give up?" Scully reentered the room as Mulder spoke the last two words of his sentence. She sat down next to him on the couch and handed him a cup of hot coffee before she spoke. "Well, Mulder," she said with a grin, "I never really thought about it. I didn't think you were supposed to analyze cartoons. But...I guess he still chases Bugs for the same reasons that people chase each other. It gives us something to do, by chasing whatever it is we chase, we fulfill some sort of need." "So you're saying that people do the same thing that Elmer does?" Mulder questioned, grabbing the remote control and muting the television screen. "Well, sure," Scully replied, "Think of how many stalker cases the Behavioral Science unit gets a year. The stalker chases the "stalkee" in order to fulfill his need to get off or his need for company." "Ah ha. So is this theory exclusive to people?" Mulder took a sip of his coffee. He liked just talking to her like this, without worrying about protocol or whatnot. It was an undirected conversation, without the pretence of work hanging over their heads. They were free to be friends, and Mulder liked that. "No, of course not. You know just as well as I do that animals exhibit the same behavior when searching for a mate or for food," she raised her eyebrow at him in a look that said, 'What is the point you're trying to get at, Mulder?' He just smirked back. "So, hypothetically speaking, if a male moose was on the loose, would the female chase him? I'm talking your more-than-average moose too, not some flee bitten carcass. This moose is handsome, smart, although kind of reckless at times. Some of the other moose think he's crazy." Mulder whispered the last sentence conspiringly. He threw his partner a lop-sided smile, letting her know that he was only joking, yet praying she's see his seriousness. "Well, what about the female moose? What is she like? You'd have to know that to know if you're to tell if she would chase this other devilishly handsome moose," still with a look of perplexed bemusement on her face, Scully decided to play along. "She's beautiful," Mulder looked directly into Scully's eyes, "intelligent, stubborn- but in a good way, kind, gentle, she knows how to take care of the male moose when he's injured." Mulder felt his heart race in his chest. Was he going too far? Being too obvious? He knew, however, that this conversation, hypothetical or not was long overdue. "And you said that this male moose is positively wonderful?" Scully no longer looked confused, but she didn't look angry like Mulder expected her too. "Well, no, Scully, I didn't say that, but you could. I mean, it is a hypothetical situation after all." "Of course," She paused for a moment, apparently gathering her thoughts, "I do believe, in that case, that the female moose would chase the male moose, providing she knew how the male moose felt." Mulder's heart leapt. He never expected that the most important conversation he would ever have would be under the guise of the mating habits of a moose, but he really didn't care any longer. "How does the male moose feel about the female moose, Mulder?" she asked again, her voice low, almost seductive. He knew that she was just as scared as he was, and admired her courage in asking him such a difficult question. Swallowing his fears, he replied, measuring each word carefully, "The male moose, he...he really isn't sure what he feels." Before she got the wrong impression, he added, "He feels so many things at the same time, there's no one defining word." He caught her relieved smile and continued, "Happy, but scared. Lost and then found. He feels safe in way that I've never know, and yet endangered at the same time." Her face paled considerably, and Scully stared at him with hollow eyes. Mulder stopped. "What is it, Scully?" His insecurities raced. He had said too much. There was another man that he didn't know about. She only thought of him as a friend. She thought of him as less than a friend. He was scum beneath her feet. She wanted a transfer... "Mulder," she interrupted his train of thought, "since when did you become a moose?" Her question shocked him, "What?" "You said 'I'. You said 'in a way that I've never known.'" "Um, yeah. I guess I did." Mulder cursed himself for the slip. She watched him expectantly. "You see, Scully...when I was a little kid, maybe 6 or 7, before Sam was taken, I dressed up as a moose for Halloween so I feel some kind of connection to the moose family?" "Nice try, Mulder." He saw her hide her smile and he let out a breath that he didn't know he was holding. "But I'm not buying it. Answer my question." "Slip of the lip?" "Mulder." "Okay. Sorry, I'll be serious." Mulder gulped. It was now or never. "I said 'I', Scully, because I view myself as the moose that's on the loose. For some odd, complicated reason due to some childhood trauma that I don't understand..." "Mulder," she reprimanded and then her tone changed, becoming softer, "Just say it. I won't get mad." "You won't?" "No. I won't. Didn't I tell you? The female moose will chase the male moose. No matter what." "Scully, I am the male moose because you are the female moose...and all that stuff I said...its true." Mulder was then extremely aware of the close proximity of their bodies. Sometime during the conversation, they had scooted closer to each other, to the point where their thighs were almost touching. It wouldn't take much effort to lean over and press his lips to hers... "It is," she whispered, a comment more to herself than to him. Mulder watched anxiously as the smile crept across her face. Her eyes flew to his and his heart stopped beating in that instant. He wanted to kiss her. He had wanted to kiss Dana Scully since the first time he laid eyes on her, but now the urge was about to overcome him. He leaned forward tentatively, his pulse racing and his palms sweating like the bald head of a fat man. Seeing the anticipation in her own eyes, Mulder couldn't tell whether she was just anxious or mad as hell. he though, closing the distance between them, his eyes sliding closed as their lips touched. In that moment, he lost himself. He lost himself in the sensation of her mouth against his, of her arms wrapping around his neck, her body instinctively leaning into his. He pulled back, gauging her reaction. Her eyes were closed in what appeared to be contented bliss, but Mulder figured he could be imagining that. Her porcelain cheeks were painted with a crimson red, and it made him smile to know that he was the artist that painted it there. Scully opened her eyes, looking at him in confusion. Before she got a chance to say anything regarding her confusion, he kissed her again. This time the kiss was less chaste, more passionate, but it still contained the gentleness that offered her a way out if she wanted one. But, much to Mulder's delight, she quite obviously didn't want an escape route. Her mouth moved in tandem with his, loving, caressing. Absorbed in her kiss, he couldn't remember the time when he hadn't been kissing her. Abruptly, as though she had realized what was transpiring, Scully ripped her mouth away from Mulder's, leaving him in disappointed shock. The look of fear in her eyes was unmistakable, and it became even clearer when, almost in slow motion, she stood and walked out of his apartment, closing the door behind her. Mulder sat on the couch. He hadn't moved since she had broken their kiss, he hadn't fully comprehended what had happened. The fact that she wasn't still on the couch, kissing him was only beginning to sink in. As the reality of the situation hit him, so did the guilt. He had gone too far, stepped over the line that had been so carefully drawn between them. And she hadn't approved of it. It hadn't been the right time. He had blown it, completely and utterly blown it. Mulder sighed and sank back into the couch. *** Through blurred tears, Scully drove through Georgetown's maze of streets. She was almost home. Why couldn’t the tears wait until she was settled into her apartment? Why did they have to come now? Scully didn't know the answer, she didn't think there was a logic to it. Emotion and logic had nothing to do with each other. She pulled in to her parking space in front of her apartment building, yanked the keys from the ignition, and ran through the rain to the front door. She fumbled to find the right key, and once she did, she shoved it into the keyhole and hurried inside. It had been raining torrentially since early yesterday morning, and Scully was getting pretty sick of the cold and wet weather. Right now, though, the weather matched her mood perfectly. Gloomy, angry, confused. The clouds, dark and heavy with rain, hung down ominously on the whole of Washington, but Scully felt as though the clouds were settled directly over her head. The whole thing sent her head spinning. Talking to Mulder about their metaphoric relationship, kissing him, getting completely lost in ecstasy. Coming back to reality. She didn't know at what point she had snapped back to sanity and pulled away from Mulder, she only knew that it was a moment too late. How she had gotten herself into such a position, Scully didn't understand. One minute, she had been watching Looney Tunes with her partner and the next she was kissing him senselessly and with more passion than she had ever thought herself capable. The route between point A and point B remained unclear, but it didn't really matter. Regardless of *how* it had happened, it had. Mulder had kissed her and she had kissed him back. She feared that the implications would be far too much to handle. Scully walked down the hall to her apartment, her pace quickening with each step. She just wanted to get home, pour a glass of wine, take a bath, and go to bed. She didn't want to think or feel anything until she was in a better state to analyze it. Right now she was too emotional, to irrational to get anything accomplished. She opened the door and was immediately greeted by her mother voice on the answering machine. "...was just calling to see how you were doing. I know you had the flu last week and I was wondering if you had recovered. So, just give me a call when..." Scully ran to the phone and picked it up, "Mom?" "Oh, Dana!" came her mothers surprised voice, "I didn't know you were home." "I just got in," Scully replied, trying to sound casual. She didn't think it was working. "It's after nine, dear. Don't tell me you've been working late again. You know that throws off your sleep patterns and then..." "I wasn't working, Mom. I was at Mulder's." "Oh?" She could hear the smile in Maggie's voice and Scully wanted to kick herself. Of all the stupid things she could have said, why that one? She could have told her mom a million different things to avoid a lecture about working late. She could have said she was doing some last minute grocery shopping, or she was out with one of her friends from college. "Why were you at Fox's house dear? If you weren't working, I mean." She sounded innocent, but Scully knew better. It was the voice that her mother always used when Melissa had come in early in the morning from being out all night "shopping." Maggie knew something that she wasn't letting on. "We were just watching a movie, Mom. No big deal." A little voice remarked coyly. "Ah-ha," was Maggie's reply. "Mom, will you stop with that tone? You know very well that Mulder and I are friends and partners, nothing more. I'm really getting sick of you assuming that we're in love, because we're not," Scully snapped. There was a long silence on the other end of the line, and she instantly regretted her harsh words. "Sorry, Mom. I didn't mean to snap on you like that. I've just had a bad day, that's all." "Well, you're okay, aren't you?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "And Fox..." "Mulder's fine too." "Well then, dear, what's the problem?" Scully was silent. What was she supposed to say? She couldn't tell her mom what happened, she'd only press for details and insist that kissing Mulder was *not* a bad thing. But it was. Scully knew it was. "Dana?" "Oh, sorry, Mom. The problem...It's Mulder," she blurted. Scully immediately cursed herself. "What about, Fox? Did you have a fight?" She sounded really concerned and Scully cringed. She didn't want her mom to worry about something that was probably trivial anyway. "No, we didn't fight. It's a different kind of problem." "You're in love with him." Maggie said almost instantly. Scully was taken aback. Of anything she had expected her mother to say, that wasn't one of them. "Mom, what are you...I don't know what you're...Me? Mulder? Mom that’s..." She couldn’t think of any kind of coherent sentence. Images of herself and her partner filled her head, pushing all rational thought from her mind. The pain etched on Mulder's face as he laid on the bed in Bellfluer, Oregon and told her about his sister. The relief she had seen in his face after she had come back from her abduction and out of the coma. The feel of his arms around her, bringing her more comfort than she had ever though a person with cancer could feel. His lips brushing against hers so softly before she had gotten stung by that damn bee. Their lips fused together in tonight's display of passion. "Oh, Dana." Her mom sighed and then laughed a little. "Why can't you admit it? Say it out loud?" Scully shook her head, clearing her thoughts. "I don't know, Mom. I really don't know. Maybe it's because I don't want to. I don't want to...you know." "Love him?" "Yeah. I don't want to. But I think it's too late for that. I think I already do. And it scares me, Mom." Scully shrugged off her coat and sat down on the couch. "Well, of course it does. It's supposed to scare you, Dana." "I know, I know. It's just that...You know my track record, Mom. I haven't exactly had the best relationship experience. I always seem to mess it up, to drive men away. That *can't* happen with Mulder. I'd rather be his best friend forever, even if it does break my heart, than a lover that meant nothing to him. Because I *know* that if I messed this up, this thing that Mulder and I have, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I'd die of heartbreak." The tears pooled in her eyes once more, but Scully blinked them away. She wouldn’t cry. If she started to cry, her mom would know and then she'd be too vulnerable. "Dana, honey. You have to take a chance. That's what being alive is all about. Being alive is taking risks, putting yourself on the line for the one thing that you want most. If people didn't take risks, the whole world would be curled up in their bathtubs, covering their heads and praying to the good Lord. You can't live your life like that, Dana, because it wouldn't be living. Now go tell Fox how you feel." Scully nodded, even though she knew her mom couldn't see her. This would take time to digest. *** Mulder needed to see her. That was the only thing he had come up with in the half an hour since she had stormed out of his apartment. He needed to see her and they needed to talk. Without much thought, Mulder grabbed his keys and jogged out of his apartment. By the time he got to his car, he was at a full sprint. This couldn’t wait. He couldn’t give Scully a chance to think about what happened between them. If she thought, she would analyze, and if she analyzed she would *over* analyze, and then there would be no hope whatsoever. He jumped into the front seat, jammed his key into the ignition and started the car. Before Mulder knew it, he was halfway between his place and Scully's, speeding down the road for all he was worth. He had no idea what he would say to Scully when he got there, he only know that it would have to be something incredible. Something that would convince her that he loved her and that he didn't want to mess this up. Or, if that didn't work, he'd grovel for forgiveness. Mulder pressed the accelerator a little, switching lanes to pass the car ahead of him. He was probably breaking every speeding law in all of Washington, but he didn't care. Kissing Scully was the best experience of his life. He had felt so connected with her, like he didn't know where she ended and where he began. And then she had kissed him back. Her lips had moved against his, and Mulder's heart soared. It had been perfect. He had expected Scully to pull back in disgust, to slap him on the face, or to punch him in the jaw. He had never thought she'd have kissed him back with as much fervor as she did. He could still almost feel her lips on his. Mulder closed his eyes, remembering. He could still see her face, that look of content that he had seen after kissing her the first time. He saw her eyes, those beautiful blue eyes, looking at him in both confusion and in awe. He saw her angry scowl as she pushed herself away from him and left. What Mulder didn't see was the large SUV heading straight towards him. *** He hurt. Mulder's head throbbed, as if somebody had dropped an elephant on it. he thought. Opening his eyes, Mulder was greeted with an array of bright colors and booming sounds. Nothing connected at first, all the shapes in front of his eyes were blurry and he couldn't concentrate. A female voice thundered above him, and the shape of his partner came into focus. Mulder tried to smile, but his head hurt when the corner of his lips started to turn up. Facial expressions were not a good thing, he realized. It was best to put on his "panic face" and let Scully notice on her own that he was awake and in need of more medication. Once again, she came through for him and ordered the nurse to bring Mulder some more pain killers. Sitting by his bedside, she took his hand in hers. Even in the haze of pain, her touch felt magical. Her hand was so small in his, and yet it gave him such strength, a strength that he could only feel when they touched. "Sc...Sc..." he tried to speak, but found his voice too dry. "Shh. Don't try to talk, Mulder. It'll only make things worse. Let the nurse give you your next dose of medicine and then I'll give you some ice chips so you can speak," Scully soothed, stroking his hand. Mulder nodded mutely. What had happened? Why was he in yet another hospital room with yet another medical condition? The last thing he could remember was driving in his car, heading towards Scully's apartment so that they could talk. About the kiss. Immediately, Mulder wished he hadn't woken up. Scully was going to kill him as soon as he recovered. The nurse, Pamela, walked back into the room with a vial of clear liquid and a syringe. Smiling weakly at Mulder, she shot it into his IV. She then turned and exited the room. Scully did as promised and took an ice chip out of the cup sitting on the table beside his bed. Shaking it off, she put it to his lips and he accepted her gift graciously. After eating several chips, Mulder's throat felt considerably better and he began to question Scully. "What happened? What kind of injury do I have? Can I leave soon?" He coughed and she took her hand from his and pressed a finger to his mouth. "Don't try too hard. I got a call around midnight. The police had found you basically underneath the grate of an SUV. You were completely unconscious and bleeding all over the place. I rushed over here as fast as I could. The doctors said that you'd been in a head-on collision and you weren't wearing your seatbelt so you flew through the windshield and somehow ended up under the other car. As for injuries, you have a concussion and a broken leg. They wanted to do surgery on it to try to repair some of the damage, but you'd have to be awake first. They'll probably do that tomorrow. You can't leave until the surgery is over and you ought to remain in the hospital a couple of days." Scully sighed and Mulder followed suit. "So I really got myself into a mess this time, huh?" "Yeah, Mulder, you really did. What were you thinking, anyway?" she said, her voice rising from the near-whisper it had been. "Not wearing your seatbelt, Mulder? I thought you were supposed to be smarter than that." "I don't know, Scully. I don't think I was really thinking about anything." "Well you obviously weren't thinking about your driving," Scully said crossly. "Sorry, Scully," Mulder choked out, and glanced to the glass of ice chips. She shoved another in his mouth. "Jesus, Mulder, you scared me half to death! I nearly had a heart attack when the police told me. I mean, did you even stop to think about how *I* would feel if you got hurt, driving recklessly like that?" Mulder shook his head guiltily. But it wasn't as though he *planned* on getting hurt. All her planned on doing was going to Scully's apartment and somehow figuring out a way to tell her that he was sorry for kissing her. He planned to lie to her face. "I was worried sick, Mulder! And I felt *so* guilty. Just imagine, you were found on a road about two miles from my place. I could only assume that's where you were headed. You almost got killed because I had walked out of your apartment and slammed the door in your face. If I had done what any other, normal person would have done and stayed, you wouldn't have gotten into your car at all." Her anger faded and was replaced by a pained look. "I thought it was my fault." "Scully," he reassured her, desperate to make amends. "It is *not* your fault. Listen to me; I shouldn't have driven when I was so emotional. I wasn't paying attention to much of anything and I hadn't fastened my seatbelt. You had no control over any of that. Those were choices I made. Albeit stupid choices, but I still made them. Don't blame yourself." He grabbed her hand and squeezed it. After a few moments, she smiled at him and Mulder's heart melted. Maybe thing would turn out okay after all. "Hey, Scully?" "Yeah, Mulder?" "Are you mad at me? For kissing you? I mean, are we going to be okay?" he asked. "I'm not mad at you Mulder. We're going to be fine. You just need to stop landing yourself in emergency rooms. I don't think my heart can take it." Her eyes met his and Mulder was grateful for being alive.