De T'Avoir Aimee Series
by Lizzy





Lizzy 
Date: June 2001 
Title: De T'Avoir Aimee I: The Return 
Feedback:bebemoulinrouge@mtv.com 
Rating: R 
Category: RST,S/O, M/A, S/A 
Keywords: Romance, Angst 
Spoilers:If you have not seen "all things" you won't have a
clue who one of the charcters is so don't even
try. Memento Mori, and any other episode
pertaining to Scully's cancer are also spoilers.
You'll probably know who Daniel is too if you've
read "A Night Under The Stars" by Mua.... 
Summary: One woman, four elements. Three men who want to
love her, one disease impeding it. Who will be
stronger? Disclaim: Mulder and Scully are not my
property, They are rpoperty of Chris Carter, 1013
productions, and 20th century Fox. Although,
Michael Lendan is my property...oh, and the tiny
itty-bitty reference about The David Letterman
Show...don't sue me, I meant no harm!!
::whimpers:: In other words...NO infringement is
intended. Thank you!
     


It's 8:41. She promised to arrive at 8:30.
What the hell was going on? Ever since she left
early the tuesday before last for a doctor's
appointment, she hasen't acted the same.
Unattached. Distant. Inhibited. She left yesterday
and today afternoon for "routine exams." He would
have gone with her but she didn't give him time to
ask. About a half hour ago she called saying she
was going to stop by, tell him something serious.
8:42. His hands sweat in anticipation. What could
it be? Is she leaving the FBI? Could it be that---
     A knock. It has to be Scully.
     Mulder rushed his way to the door, sweaty and
nervous hands turning the knob, until he finally
saw in her in full view.
     Still in work attire, she sauntered through
the room somewhat uneasy. She carried a medical
folder and a straight-laced look on her face.
Mulder closed the door behind her and turned to
face the news. Obviously, it had something to do
with her, with her health. But it coulden't
possibly be what Mulder had been fearing. A sigh
escaped from her mouth as she handed him the
folder.
     "What is this?" asked Mulder, intrigued
features on his face.
     "These...are results of a few tests I had
run. That Tuesday that I went to my checkup...the
blood tests didn't come back clean." explained
Scully. Mulder flipped through the results trying
to find a quicker answer that Scully was providing
him with.
     "What do you mean they didn't come back
clean? What's going on, Scully?" he stared at her
while her eyes lost contact and roamed through the
room. She turned and stepped closer to the window.
     "They found the cellular composition," she
said, turning back to him, "to be somewhat
abnormal. They ran a second one and it turned up
the same results. Yesterday, they ran me through a
CAT scan."
     "And?" Mulder's voice became louder. Scully
had him in such a state of anticipation, he
coulden't help but raising his voice.
     "And...they found that..."
     "That what Scully?"
     "My cancer is out of remission." The phrase
he feared. The words they never wanted to hear.
The expression that reopened a whole world of
problems. The sentence that Mulder could not
believe, but because he had to his only outlet was
anger.
     "What? Scully, they told you the chip---!"
     "The chip is gone, Mulder! It's gone! It's
not there, it dissolved---vanished, dissappeared.
It didn't show up on the CAT scan, or any of the
X-rays they took. It's gone." Scully yelled. She
didn't know how to tell him this, much less how he
was taking it. She cried on the way to Mulder's
house, dried her tears right before the elevator
doors led her to the fourth floor. Right now she
saw Mulder holding the tears back, his usual
reaction to all things sensitive. She saw her best
friend try to understand what was going on and
asking himself why and knowing he thought she was
going to be alright after the first strike. But
she wasen't. Scully knew it and Mulder knew it,
too that she wasen't okay. Her eyes saw him walk
to face the wall. Mulder struck it in a blow of
rage, not holding anything back. Scully put her
hand over her mouth.
     "Mulder..." she whispered, aggravated and
beginning to feel the moist in her eyes. "Don't do
this."
     "There has to be something wrong, Scully!
There has to be something wrong! There has to
be..." Mulder's voice faded as she pulled him into
an embrace. She didnt want to see him like this.
She refused to. Scully led him to the couch, where
they still held on to each other, like clinging
for dear life.
     "I'm sorry..." Scully whispered in his ear.
Words which were of no comfort to Mulder. "Mulder,
listen to me. I know what you thinking and I want
you to stop it," she told him, but Mulder knew he
coulden't. "...stop blaming yourself." With his
face buried in her shoulder, he mumbled,
     "Who else is there to blame, Scully?"
     "It's no one's fault. No one is resposible
for what is happening to me."
     "There is someone responsible," he said
somewhat louder. They separated and locked their
eyes on each other. How could this happen to her?
Again....She didn't deserve it.
     "If there is, Mulder, it's anyone but you.
I've told you a hundred times, it was my choice to
stay." A tear dripped from Scully's eye and she
wiped it clear quickly, turning her head, and
fitting herself into Mulder's arms once again.
     

I woke up to the nightmare the next morning
feeling worse than before. Tired and with stinging
eyes, I scanned the living room to find Scully no
where in sight. She fell asleep here last night, I
even waited till I heard her breathing to fall
asleep myself. I ran to the kitchen. Not there.
Bedroom, no sight of her. Knocked on the bathroom
door before going in, no answer. maybe she left a
note. If she did, she didn't leave it on the
coffee table. Maybe she didn't leave a note at
all. She should have woken me up.
     No, I shouldn't call her. She probably wants
to be alone. I regained by spot on the couch,
layed my head back and rubbed my eyes.
     Inevitably, my mind came back to it. That
damn cancer. That disease that follows her like a
fucking curse. It's killing her softly, it's been
killing her for four years. And I can't do a thing
about it. That's what pisses me off, I can't help
her, I can't help Scully get rid of it. They gave
it to her because of me and I can't do a damn
thing for her. Nothing.
     The first time it hit her, she was so weak. I
remember walking through the ward, staring through
the window of her room...her pale skin was lacking
even more color, her factions showing tiredness,
her wrists held back by wires and tubes. She held
her collected position towards me all the time.
Always strong, always. Until she gave me the news
that her cancer was in remission. Then she let her
guard down. Over the years, I noticed that she
didn't do it often but when she did, it was a
completely new side of each other that we never
saw before.
     Those moments are so diffrent. It's moments
like those that have brought us together
throughout the years. Not that me and Scully were
ever opposite, distant from each other, no, it
just took me time to trust her. The REALLY trust
her. I've become more close to Scully than I ever
dared to imagine. Sometimes, she's more to me than
a partner or my best friend. Sometimes, I wish I
could put her away so that nothing would happen to
her. Sometimes, I really wish I could be her
lover.
     


Finally, home. I felt guilty for leaving
Mulder's house without notice, without even trying
to find a piece of paper to leave a note. When I
awoke, the first thing I had a notion of was the
pugnant smell of his body and his arms wrapped
across my chest. My first thought was to stay and
linger on the peaceful state of mind that the
silence and Mulder's heartbeat was offering me.
But my mind was apparently somewhere confined and
separated from my actions. I slid out of Mulder's
grip, seeing him shift at the absence of my body.
I drove directly home thinking about the
six-letter word the entire way. Now I sit here in
a cotton robe, a cup of tea in my hand, and a
peaceful state of mind? Not really.
     I haven't given it much consideration but
I've began to think that maybe Mulder was right.
Maybe this cancer is a result of my abduction.
After all, I don't remember clearly what the hell
they did to me. On my own account all I can recall
is being blinded by the white light, the white
room concealing nothing but the men. They did it
all so selectively. So carefully so Dana woulden't
remember a thing. They thought I woulden't
remember a thing. Turns out, I'm reminded almost
reccuringly that I can't bear children and now
it's what I constantly think about since this
disease is inhibiting my system again.
     And Mulder keeps insisting that I go see a
regression therapist. No matter how many times I
tell him that I don't believe in that crap, that
regression therapists are only there to create
false illusions on the breif descriptions that
people give to them and then empty their pockets
out with therapy bills, he still tries to convince
me that it would be for the best.
     Since Mulder comes to mind, I can't help
thinking about the way he's always looking out for
me. Telling him about the end of my remission last
night was probably something I could have died
without doing. Remembering the relief in Mulder's
eyes when I told him that this cancer was asleep
doubled last night, but in guilt, when I told him
it was back. He's always felt guilty. Always taken
the blame when there is no where to place it. Even
when things have been my fault, when I've been
wrong, he's taken the fall for me.
     And for that I can't help but to love him. I
do, I do love Mulder. Most certainly not as a
brother...as a very intimate friend, yes. Maybe
even more.
     But feelings don't show very well, I've never
let them and it's not time to start struggling
with an emotional expression problem at age 37.
And I'm too dedicated to my work with Mulder and
the X-Files to start dealing with these things.
That's probably why I've never gotten married.
With the X-Files capturing my full attention a
relationship, let alone a marrige would be almost
impossible. But...let's not lose faith Dana,
theres still eight years till you hit menopause.
     Checking my wall clock, I spring to my feet
at the realization that it 3:45. I have an
appointment for the first chemo session at 4:30.
God, help me please. Chemotherapy did wreckless
damage to my body last time around. Let me
overcome this. Let me see the rainbow at the end
of the storm.
     


It's unlikely to find the St. Ashely Medical
Center so calm on a thursday afternoon. Hallways
were barren of patients and doctors. Nurses were
at their stations filling patient charts with
information others speaking on the phone.
Candy-stripper volunteers no older than 17 were
out in the courtyard failing to entertain
patients.
     As Scully made her way through the ward of
doctors' offices, she read the plastic plaques on
the doors. She'd been reffered to a Dr. Lendan by
Dr. Zuckerman, her general medicine doctor. At
view she saw the door with his name imprinted on
the plaque. As she came close and raised her hand
to knock, the door opened by a man on the other
side. almost bumping into each other, Scully and
Dr. Lendan met face to face.
     "Oh, uh, I'm sorry," he apologized with
slight smile on his face. At first glance, Scully
coulden't help to notice Dr. Lendan, a good
looking, little taller than 5'10, broad shoulders
and an ostensible strong body type. Scully
returned the smile and stepped back to regain
space but where she could still smell the scent of
his cologne.
     "Dana Scully?" Scully extended her hand for
his.
     "Yes, Hi."
     "Hi, I'm Micheal Lendan. I was speaking to
Dr. Zuckerman a little while ago." said Lendan.
Inviting her in, he closed the door behind them
and scanned his desk for Scully's medical file.
     "Dr. Zuckerman is fond of you. He also tells
me your a medical doctor."
     "Yes, a major in forensic sciences. I was at
the University of Maryland."
     "Wow. Great medical school." he sounded
impressed. Scully only managed to whisper a slight
"yeah..."
     Lendan seemed ready to start inquiring about
her cancer. He started browsing through the
medical file, apparently having read it before and
reviewing it this time around with less care.
     "So Dana...can I call you Dana?" Scully
didn't impose. After all, she heard her last name
one too many times in the day.
     "Yes, of course."
     "Dana...I see that Dr. Zuckerman diagnosed
this cancer for the first time in 1997 and that it
does not have a specific location." Lendan
surveys. Scully feels the question coming and she
is not in the mood to answer it.
     "Dr. Zuckerman does not want to call it blood
cancer, " he continues, "but according to this, he
writes you consider it being aquired?"
     There you go, Dana. Explain how you "aquired"
your cancer. *Yes, aquired doctor, because I was
abducted by aliens and my FBI partner thinks that
aliens gave me this cancer.* she thought *That'll
sound real fine.*
     "Well, I don't know if aquired is the right
word. It's kind of hard to explain." she tried to,
yet Lendan's face showed true signs of confusion.
"My partner is a firm believer in aliens, in
extraterrestrial beings and that they abduct
people,"
     "Is this a boyfriend? Husband?"
     "Uh, no...my FBI partner. I work for the
govenment. " Scully clarified and realized that
Mr. Doctor wasen't buying any of this.
     "So, aliens? Is this what you agree on Dana?"
asked Lendan with a true sense of query. *She
probably buys this crap,* he thought.
     "No. I mean, I really don't know the orgin of
my cancer. That's just my partner's theory."
Through this rare interogation, Scully stayed
firm. She maintained an attitude that clearly read
she wasen't conviced by what Mulder believed, but
that she wasen't going to let anyone insult his
opinion either. Lendan also asked her about the
metal chip in her neck. Scully answered telling
him that it had somehow placed her cancer in
remission.
     "But that chip is gone now. And maybe that's
why my cancer is out of remission." she told
Lendan. He nodded.
     Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.
     "Excuse me," Scully smiles softly in return.
"Come in, "
     "Hey Micheal," entered the other doctor,
"These are the results for---" the doctor stopped
and took a good look at Scully. Her eyes shifted
in the doctor's direction as if attracted to a
magnet.
     "Dana..." the doctor said while their vision
was still locked. Scully swallowed as she broke
the stare and felt a sense of awkwardness in the
room.
     "Daniel, you know Dana Scully?" asked Dr.
Lendan. In all aspects of the word "know". Yeah,
Daniel Waterston knew who Dana Scully was. And
Scully knew him even better. Daniel didn't
hesitate in letting Lendan know.
     "Yes, Dana used to be...a student of mine."
He wishes that was all she was.
     "Well, I knew that Dana was a medical doctor
but never that she was taught by one of the best."
Daniel smiled, thanking Lendan. His eyes always
kept coming back to Scully while all she wanted
was to run out on this.
     "Anyway, here are the results on Mark
Vespucci's cardio exam," explained Daniel. "Dr.
Seldack says that according to the results, the
mitomycin their treating his cancer with is
slowing down his heart rate."
     * You never change, Daniel. Eleven years
haven't changed your dedication to medicine.*
thought Scully. She witnessed the short
conversation between Daniel and Dr. Lendan, yet
heard absolutely nothing of what they said. Her
mind was too busy remembering. Scavaging through
memories of their hidden love affair. Her
consience though, was snapping her back to
reality. Bring her back to the life she was
living. The life where she knows who Mulder is,
the life where her sister is dead, and the one
where cancer is the main reason why she's sitting
there that very instant.
     "Make sure that you go over those and you
make that change, Michael. We don't want to have
to run that patient to open heart." said Daniel.
He handed the file to Lendan and brushed Scully
with his eyes for what seemed like the millionth
time.
     "Alright, thanks Daniel." Lendan stood to
accompany him out. Daniel slowed down before
reaching the door.
     "Nice to see you again, Dana," he said,
helplessness mirroring in his eyes.
     Staring at him in response, she realized
she'd almost forgotten the paramount feeling in
his gaze. The sense of lust that existed in their
relationship. Their lovemaking reached peaks she'd
never expirienced with anyone else and, even
though the sensation of debauchery was constantly
existant in their meetings, Daniel had really
showed her real love. A strong, true love. And his
eyes always said so.
     "Likewise Daniel." Scully smiled wryly at him
and directed her attention to something else.
Lendan finally sought to dismiss Daniel. Could he
be working at this hospital? Last time she saw him
it was right here when he had his heart condition.
Scully saw Lendan return to his desk, Daniel still
circling in her head. Scully knew extreamely well
this was not the last time she was going to face
Daniel. The sound of Dr. Lendan's voice calling
her name snapped her reality.
     "Dana?" he asked. Scully gave a light hum
from the back of her throat. "Should we pick up
where we left off?"
     That's one question she feared to hear from
one person -- Daniel.
     


Making my way through the corridors after my
meeting with Dr. Lendan, I thought of Mulder
again. Mulder, Mulder...sweet Mulder. I don't know
why he came to mind, but he did.
     God, I haven't even called my mother to tell
her anything. Or Bill. He's going to be furious.
Who knows when I get the stamina to tell him. I
have to e-mail Charlie, too. Even though he
hasen't been around for all of this, Charlie's
like my far away confiant. He knows a few things
that I woulden't dare to tell anyone. Not even
Mulder.
     Mulder is the only one who knows at this
point about my cancer. I wasen't planning to tell
anyone else until this cancer became serious. I
guess you can say it's seeped in enough and now
I'm realizing: this is getting serious. As a
million and one things cruised though my head, I
heard the muffled ring of my phone. Digging in my
coat pocket, I finally drew out the Nokia. Mulder
was the caller. Without hesitating I picked it up.
     "Hi Mulder." I said, the apocryphal tone
trying to sound cheerful and failing at its best.
     "Hey," he replied, sounding quite the same.
"How are you? Where are you?" He was obvously
trying to not ask me why I had left this morning
so suddenly.
     "I'm...okay, I'm at the hospital."
     "What? What happened? Did you have a--"
     "No," I responded, "No, I didn't, I uh, had
an appointment with the new Chemo doctor."
     Silence. And nothing but it. Until I
coulden't stand it anymore.
     "So Mulder...what's up?"
     "Oh, nothing. Um," he mumbled. "Hey, I was
just wondering if I can stop by with dinner
tonight. You know, I could take out some chinese,
a bottle of wine."
     "Mulder..." I whispered softly.
     "Oh come on, Scully, I was getting happy
about it,"
     "No, no, the chinese sounds great but, you
know I can't drink wine. I'm on medication."
     "Okay, so we'll have orange juice." I
coulden't help but laugh softly, which was exactly
what I needed to feel up to it.
     "Fine. Orange juice and --" choking on my
words was the only thing I could do.
     "Scully?" I heard Mulder asking. At the same
time, Daniel was coming my direction. I knew this
was going to happen sooner or later. There was no
escape from him if he was working here and he was.
I knew it. "Scully?"
     "Yeah...um Mulder, can I talk to you later?"
     "What happened?"
     "Nothing. Um, my house at 7:00, ok?" With
that I hung up, not even waiting for a reply from
Mulder. The worst thing that could happen right
now was for Daniel to start interogating me about
him. Reaching me, he whispered my name softly. I
sighed an uncomfterble sigh, but he didn't budge.
     "Please Dana, I have to talk to you." he told
me. Daniel guided me to his office away from the
curious nurses and hospital staff and closed the
door.
     "I really shoulden't be here." "Dana ever
since I last saw you, I can't stop thinking about
you."
     “Daniel...” I coulden’t resist the heat of his
breath on my neck and let him kiss it. Once,
twice, three times. He reached my collarbone. But,
no. I can't. No, Daniel has kids that would never
accept me. Grandchildren maybe...a life all his
own. As arousing as he was I coulden't let him.
     "No...Daniel," I said pushing him away, "No.
It's going to be the same as ten years ago. I
can't"
     "It's not the same, Dana. I used to be
married but that's all in the past now." he
several steps between us, respecting me as he
always has.
     "It's just...your kids. Maggie especially."
     "I lead my life, not Maggie. She knows how I
feel about you." he insisted.
     "You know she'd never accept anything between
us--"
     "So you want to." he caught me completely off
guard.
     "No...I mean. Daniel, that's not what I
said."
     "But it's what you meant..." he whispered,
his crystal blue eyes looking down on me.
Surprisingly enough, he read me like a book.
That's exactly what I meant, I just...
     "Daniel, I can't get in a relationship with
anyone right now," my eyes sort of pooled a little
when I even thought about it. "I'm sick." His face
turned softly pale and serious.
     "What's wrong? I mean, whatever's wrong, we
can cure you, we're both doctors." Daniel told me.
There was silence for a couple of seconds until I
finally spoke.
     "I have cancer. I'm dying." A full tear
dropped from my eye. With blurry vision, I looked
up at Daniel who had a stunned look on his face. I
would imagine that with all his years in medicine,
having to give diagnostics almost everyday, a
doctor learns to control his emotions.
     Not this time.
     His eyes reddened a little as he took a deep
breath and sighed. I had nothing more to do than
look towards the ground, unsure of what to say
next. He turned to face the window behind his
desk.
     "Since when?" he finally asked, still turned
towards the window.
     "I...was diagnosed in 1997. It went into
remission, but now...its come back." I managed to
say. The silence returned. Unexpectedly, Daniel
turned around, closed the gap between us and
hugged me softly. I wrapped my arms around him,
returning the gesture.
     "I've loved you for such a long time that I'm
not going to let any cancer win you over. We're
gonna make it, kid. I promise." Daniel told me. He
pecked his lips on the top of my forehead, sign
from him I'd been missing for so long. I suddenly
felt 26 years old again, in his arms where he'd
never let me go.
     


Late Night. Letterman's on TV. Dana Scully's
on my mind. How many times has she danced into my
head since this afternoon when she pursed my name
with those lips of hers. "Dr. Lendan..." she said.
God, she's beautiful. And she's smart. And
vulnerable. You can see clear through her like
water that that cancer's ripping her apart. Take
one look into those piercing baby blues and you
know that she's hurt. As far as I know about her,
she's not married, she has no boyfriend. Only an
FBI partner. Apparently, she's quite close to him.
Dana defends him with tiger claws. Parents, too, I
suppose. Mom and Dad's little girl. She seems like
a young one in the family.
     Dana. That's a nice name....Jesus, Michael,
if I didn't know you any better, I'd say you've
fallen head over heels for that girl. I have,
haven't I?
     Sarah. She reminds me so much of Sarah. Even
the way Dana brushes her hair out of her face
reminds me of Sarah. If I just could have done
something for Sarah, she woulden't be gone. If I
could have been in the ICU when she arrived, she'd
probably be alive. She'd still be with us.
     But maybe life's given me a chance to save
Dana like I coulden't save Sarah. Dana isn't
ravished my the cancer, at least not yet. I can
still save her. She got to me in time and I'm
going to save her. I'm going to help you through
this Dana. You're going to make it. I promise.
     
[[Part 2 is on the way...PLEASE send me
feedback: bebemoulinrouge@mtv.com]]


*~Lizzy~*
aka Peppermint
aka Serpalicious
aka Chiquitica