Title: A Lesson Learned. Author: Joylynn Wing E-mail: aljoyw@a-znet.com Completed: January 2001 Category: Angst Rating: G Spoilers: None Summary: A lesson well learned, but a little too late. Love doesn't follow any rules: it follows the heart. Archive: Xemplary, Gossamer, ATXC and EMXC. Any others just give me an e-mail so that I may visit. Disclaimer: Although no names are mentioned within, the implied characters of Mulder and Scully belong to Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions, and Twentieth Century Fox Television. They are being used here without permission. No copyright infringement intended. *****Author's Notes: Come take yet another walk to the dark place with me everyone. Born of a very real, and very personal tragedy in my own life, this vignette reflects emotions perfect for season eight. Unconditional love, especially between two people, is a gift too precious to waste. I have learned this lesson well, but a little too late. I am so sorry, R. This is for you. This is also for CC and the idiots at 1013. You are taking away a very big part of us, guys. Please, make it right before it is too late for them also.***** Thanks: To Pita and Trace, my ever selfless and untiring betas: you ladies rock my world. Any glimmers of brilliance are due to their combined talents, any mistakes are entirely mine. Feedback: Only if I am worthy. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ ~ It took a while for me to learn That nothin' comes for free The price I've paid is high enough for me~ "I Need To Be In Love," by the Carpenters *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ It is snowing. As I sit here, looking outside my window, it is snowing. Each and every sparkling lily-white flake, fleeting reminders of another moment passing without you. The landscape is desolate: a barren wasteland of nothingness. The blanket flawless, unsullied by the intrusion of others. A virgin territory, safe and protected from the world, which seeks to destroy its hidden treasures. That is where I exist. That is where I go blindly about seeking truths to questions which I know have no answers. Safe, hidden away from my own pain and denial over what I have given up to remain that way. As I watch that falling snow, I drop my hand down to my stomach. There and in my heart, I feel the growth of the love that we have created. I had never felt such joy, such sorrow, such freedom, in my life as I had when I was with yoou. Your touch freed a bitter heart, your words soothed tousled thoughts, your love gave life to the soul that now beats within me. I have never felt so loved and so beautiful as when I was with you. This joy lost forever, a single snowflake vanquished in the sea of white. Christmas time, a time of celebration -- a time of renewal. A time to reflect upon and give thanks for the blessings that one has. For me, however, Christmas may never again hold such power. For me it is a time of darkness, a time to grieve for what I will know will never be. It is a time to reflect upon the what-if's and the regrets that I know will follow me all of the days of my life. To mask the inconceivable pain that my heart knows, I cloak myself under that same mantle of white, going blindly about my day's business. So, even if only for a few precious moments, I can pretend that nothing has changed, that I haven't changed, when actually nothing is the same and it never will be. Not until you are once again not just residing in my heart, fond memories of a love found so briefly and lost but of a love that is in the present, flesh and bone. Something I fear will never come to pass. A love unconditional and limitless: unfettered by the fragilities of the human substance. A lesson well learned, but a little too late. Love doesn't follow any rules: it follows the heart. Such a love, fleeting and tenuous, is a rare jewel indeed. A precious gift so few of us are privileged to share. I was once such poor unfortunate soul. I once walked a stony path of loneliness, hiding myself in the darkness, never letting anyone get too close. Never letting anyone glimpse inside of my soul, which quaked in fear of being discovered for its truth. But then you came along, a small point of light in the interminable darkness of my shattered soul. You allowed me to embrace your hand, warm and inviting, and turned me towards that light, allowing it to warm my face. That was when I first saw it. That was when I first saw the Truth. Your Truth... None of us is traveling through this universe alone. But as the sun's embrace blinds our eyes with the clarity of day, I felt fear and I turned away, my soul cringing. However, I never let go of your hand. Even in my confusion, knowing that there was where my path would lie. I began that journey that day. I began that journey which had led me to here. Where I am supposed to be, to whom I was to become. We walked along side-by-side, wind and rain falling about us, trying to sever the ties that we had forged. Then, with the passage of time, heartbeat after heartbeat, our paths became one. Two minds, two souls, two hearts became one. There for a brief instant, I saw eternity. Then, with the cruel blink of a cosmic eye, you were drawn to another higher ground, leaving me standing on the edge of the cavernous abyss, as always alone. Drawn from my presence but not from my heart, the time spent far to short for words.... It is snowing. As I sit here, looking outside my window, it is snowing. Each and every sparkling lily-white flake, fleeting reminders of another moment and all of the moments to come -- passing without you.