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Thanks to everyone whose sick jokes contributed to this.  See the A-Files for disclaimers.

Remember, send comments, ideas, or weird jokes that you want incorporated to JeChant1@aol.com.  Thanks!

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The L-Files, by JeChant1@aol.com

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The shmoozing was raging as Mulder and Dana arrived at 
the party.  Men sported black tuxedos, while most women 
wore black dresses with spaghetti straps.  Dana's short red 
number caused quite a stir with the VC department 
members, and the women swooned over Mulder's daring 
ensemble- a black suit with a black necktie.  It wasn't so 
much the outfit; other men wore similar clothes.  The tie, 
however, was covered with a lipstick kiss pattern.  It didn't 
take much for FBI women to get hot over Mulder.  At any 
rate, Mulder and Dana made an exceptional entrance, and 
the room buzzed as people caught sight of the couple.  
Pointedly ignoring the stares, the two agents split up and, 
after sharing a conspiratorial glance, began whispering in 
the ears of admirers.  The muffled murmurs at first evoked 
surprise from the listeners.  Then, a sort of mischievous air 
began circling the room as Mulder and Dana's idea 
spread.

Assistant Director Skinner stood against one wall, shaking 
hands and thanking people for coming.  Above him, a huge 
banner read "Happy 40th Birthday, A. D. Skinner."   He and 
his wife Sharon made idle conversation with boring 
department heads.  He alternated between listening to the 
droning voices and keeping an eye on agents Scully and 
Mulder.  They had something up their sleeves, he was sure 
of it.

 *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          


After an hour or so, Mulder and Dana stood on the platform 
in front of a large podium and clapped their hands for 
attention.  The room quieted down remarkably fast, and 
Skinner had no doubt that everyone there except him knew 
what was going on.

"Your attention, please," Dana said into the microphone.  
"Could Assistant Director Skinner please report to the 
bandstand for a short presentation."

Skinner swore softly under his breath, while Sharon 
laughed.  She always got a kick out of Mulder and Dana's 
antics, especially if they were at her husband's expense.  
And they were always at her husband's expense.  "Go on," 
she smiled, pushing Skinner toward the bandstand.

Everyone cheered as he stepped onto the platform, 
suddenly looking very weary.  

Mulder laughed, slapping his boss on the back.  "Good to 
see you, sir.  With the help of the other guests, we've put 
together a little comedy sketch."  Skinner glared at the 
audience members, who suddenly found their shoes 
infinitely interesting.  Mulder continued.  "Well, they say 
the older a person gets the nicer they are, so happy birthday 
to the nicest person I know."  The room was filled with 
giggles at Skinner's expression.  Jacob Shah, the joke's 
creator, bowed.  Dana smiled.  "When we were collecting 
jokes," she said, "we got a lot of ones about covering a bald 
head with rugs or tile.  Or there was the one where the guy 
says when he was younger his hair had a wave to it, but he 
didn't realize it was waving good-bye.  And we were also 
told that the best way to identify a bald eagle is to look and 
see if all its feathers are combed to one side."  Skinner 
smiled in spite of himself, but Mulder noticed that he 
looked rather pale.  

"But seriously," Dana went on, "A. D. Skinner takes a lot of 
cracks about his, well, um...."  She grinned.  "The fact that 
he's follically challenged, or, shall we say, scalp enhanced."  
The room shook with laughter, but the agents were only 
just getting going.  "Hey," Mulder said to Skinner, "is that 
your head, or did your neck blow a bubble?"  

Sharon was laughing so hard that she had to sit down.  
Skinner still smiled, but Mulder noticed that his lips were 
pursed, and his face was pure white.  Dana grabbed the 
mike and rolled her eyes.  "Middle age," she lamented.  
"When guys who used to brag about their thick hair and 
thin waist now decry the opposite.  There is such a 
difference between young and old men.  Young men say 'I  
can't wait a minute.  But middle-aged men say 'Wait a 
minute, I can't.'"  Now Dana too noticed Skinner's ashen 
face and expression of pain.  She whispered quietly to him, 
"Are you all right?"

Skinner looked at her and shook his head quickly.  "I think 
it's my heart again."  

Dana motioned to Mulder, who turned to the audience and 
said "That's all for now, folks, A. D. Skinner wants to take 
us outside now and kick our asses."  Everyone cheered as 
the trio walked out of the room, down the hall, and into the 
cool night air.  

Dana immediately went into her doctor mode,  unbuttoning 
Skinner's shirt to give him breathing room, taking his pulse, 
and listening to his heartbeat.  She seemed puzzled.  

"Sir?"

"Yes?"

"Did you go out for dinner tonight?"

He grimaced in pain.  "Yeah, why?"

"What did you eat?"

He groaned.  "Enough barbecue to feed an army."

Dana smiled and relaxed.  "Looks to me like heartburn."  
Mulder smiled in relief.

"Here, sir, I brought some antacid stuff.  I was gonna put it 
in the punch and watch it sizzle, but you can use it."

Skinner chewed the tablets and began to feel both better 
and worse.  His dome turned red with embarrassment at the 
situation.

Suddenly Sharon came out, smiling at first, then looking 
worried as she took in the scene.  The assistant director 
turned to the agents with a pleading look.  

Dana stood up immediately.

"It's not what it looks like, Mrs. Skinner.  We were just, 
um..."

Mulder jumped in.  "This is rather embarrassing," he 
stammered, thinking wildly.  "There was a rumor going 
around the Bureau that A. D. Skinner had 'Bald is Beautiful' 
tattooed on his chest, and we wanted to see if it was true."

Sharon laughed in relief.  "Thank God.  I thought it was his 
heart again.  No, the rumor isn't true, as you can see.  Come 
on back to the party.  It's in full swing."

"I'll be right in, dear," promised Skinner.  He watched his 
wife leave, then turn to the agents.  But before he could 
thank them, Mulder spoke, looking thoughtful.

"This reminds me of something that happened in the park 
the other day.  There were three elderly women, sitting on a 
bench, feeding the birds.  Suddenly this guy in a trenchcoat 
came up to them and flashed them.  The first lady had a 
stroke.  Then, the second lady had a stroke.  And the third-"

"The third one couldn't reach," supplied Skinner with a 
smile.  

Mulder feigned shock.  "Why, sir, that's exactly what 
happened!"

Skinner laughed heartily, then awkwardly patted both 
agents on the back.  

"Thank you both," he said.

Dana and Mulder smiled back.  "Happy birthday, sir."

end.