Title: Hold On Author: Amanda A. Tikkanen Rating: R for one word, probably no more than a PG-13 for implied adult situations. Category: MSR, post-ep fic Pairings: Mulder/Scully Spoilers: All Things; Requiem Just my running thoughts on what Scully would be thinking after the episode. Title from a Sara McLachaln song of the same title. The lyrics fit how I felt about this ep, a little anyway, but no mention of the song is made herein. Archive if you want to, just let me know. Comments welcome at atikkane@online.emich.edu I live for Feedback, flames will be used to roast marshmallows. :) I've never posted on the EMXC before, so please be gentle. Disclaimer: Not mine. If I owned 'em Scully would NOT get another partner, but since CC does.... -------- I was afraid. I mean, yes, I want this child- this miracle child. The one I was reminded of everytime I saw my brother's son, every time we worked on a case involving children. It reminded me of something I never could have- mocking me if you will. Now, I have this one chance, and I will do anything to make sure I don't lose it. And yet, I thought even Mary, carrying the child of God, was turned out by her own family. I wondered if this would happen to me as well. Of course, I forgot that Mary didn't have Maggie Scully for her mother. If she could raise Missy and not have gone insane in the process she could handle this. Besides, accidents do happen, Mom woiuld understand, but Bill... Bill would be a different story entirely. The man hates the decisions I've made in my life- to give away a promising career in medicine for the FBI, to accept a position with little, if any chance for advancement. On top of it all I work with a man he blames for everything that has gone wrong in our recent lives. The father of my child. Fuck. Okay, that's not a word I would normally use, but this situation merits a word stronger than that, but I don't think the English language has the exact word I'm looking for. Mom loves the guy, though Mulder would be embaressed to ever admit to that. He thinks he is incapable of love, giving or receiving.. Yeah, as if that were the case. He's so giving of himself- well, as long as he's not thinking about it, he can be an ass at times- and yet, he won't accept anything from anyone. Just closes himself off from the world. Which is exactly how he got himself into this mess. Of course he didn't let Skinner know exactly what was going on out in those woods in Oregon. So when he disappeared it came as a huge blow to Skinner. The AD tried to be calm when he told me, but he couldn't hide his emotions. Even brave men cry. I know the two have become good friends over the past years, but this cements it for me. And then I told him my news, I could see it in his eyes that he knew instantly who the father was- and here we thought we were being discrete about the whold relationship. I must have "SUCKER" tattooed across my forehead. But I digress. Bill WAS angry. He will never see me as anything but the sixteen-year-old he used to pick on. The one who never had a boyfreind because if any could get past the braces and freckles they were lucky to get out with their lives after her big brother found out about them. I know he has a deep anger for Mulder- irrational as it is - and he will never get over it. Mulder being the father AND nowhere to be found, at least by conventional means, doesn't make this any better. Like I'm a big onto the family or something. Like he saw me sixteen again, pregnant, with a boyfreind that knocked me up and then skipped town with his buddies, chalking up another score. Mom doesn't seem to mind, which I'm sure doesn't help Bill any. I know she doesn't like it in that devout Roman Catholic part of her mind, but I know she's really very happy to have another grandchild. Especially this one. She's always wanted to coddle one of us girls through a pregnanc, and with Missy gone that leaves me. And she also knows how much I want this baby and doesn't care one iota what Bill thinks. I like that. Plus, the only thing she would like even more is a son-in-law, assuming of course that Mulder is that son-in-law. For while I worried what Ahab would think of me if I was letting him down somehow. Mom doesn't think I am but, more importantly, neither do I. I like to think Ahab helped this along, somehow. If it were possible, I'd like Ahab to help a little more. This baby needs its daddy. Hell, I need him too. Just when you realize you love somebody and act on it the person is gone. Okay, so that's only my life, but it seems to happen all the time. But I am lonely. Or at least alone. It seems I've always been alone- yes there was family, but I always felt a little alone, especially after Ahab died. But at least I was never lonely. I had Missy and Charlie, a handful of close friends to talk to; spend time with. But none ever really filled that empty space inside. And then Mulder came along. I admit it. I hated him and his condecending attitude, but at least I got over that and saw the hurt little boy he was constantly sheltering. He finally let that out into the light and healed. He laughs and jokes more than the passing sarcastic comment and, by God, SMILES. Real, eye lighting smiles. It makes me happy to see that. Happy in some part of me that I never even knew was there before. I think that was some of it when he got back from England a few weeks ago. He realized he was not the center of my universe- pretty close, but not quite close enough- and actually apologized for it. I remember him tucking me in on his couch. He was very sweet about the whole thing, putting a blanket over me, as if I were going to catch a chill fully clothed. But after a few hours of sleep I was awake again. I think I heard him trying to be quiet in his room, but I had to check on him anyway. Never can be to sure with him sometimes. I'm still not sure how we ended up in bed, but I do know we didn't use any protection. Like there was anything just lying around. It's been so long since I needed anything I just stopped carring the condoms, and I know Mulder's sex life hasn't been much better. And, besides, like the pill helps when you're sterile. And what was there to be worried about? And here I still am, alone and pregnant. And without Mulder I'm lonely again. The Powers That Be decided I should have a new partner. I've been put back on 'shit patrol', as Mulder so eloquently put it, and am on restricted physical duty until I go on maternity leave. But I sincerely hope Mulder will get to be here for that. He helped me get the time off, he'd better be here to help me enjoy it. And, God, or whoever is up there listening to this, please, let him come home. I'm afraid, and I miss him. Please. ----- Finis