Title: Gas X by Frances Hayman & Erin Hayman Date: 3-7-99 Email: FrankieH@aol.com (Frances) and redrock@ametro.net (Erin) Rating: PG-13 (for one little word) Classification: Humor, Angst (Muldertorture & Scullytorture) Summary: Mulder and Scully are called back to Kersh's office and experience a meeting unlike any other. Spoilers: Agua Mala, and a small one for FTF. Set in Season 6 after One Son. Distribution: Okay to post, just keep our names with it and let us know where it goes. Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully, Skinner, Kersh, and the X-Files do not belong to us. And if Chris Carter knew what we were doing with them here, he would not be pleased! No infringement intended. No money made. Just venting a little steam. So to speak. Warning: If you find bodily functions (and noises) offending, read no further. We have also been advised (thanks Vickie!!) to include "Snort Warnings", and if you have a serious respiratory condition, make sure the oxygen is close at hand. Consider yourself warned. ;) Gas X X-Files Office Friday 3:00 pm "Aw, come on, Scully," Mulder whined. "It'll be fun!" "A nudie mag convention, Mulder? I DON'T think so." "It's not a convention, it's a contest. 'Celebrity Skins' is looking for new talent to rub elbows, or other body parts," he said with a leer, "with famous people from all over the world." "Mulder, those people are only famous in the back rooms of video stores!" Scully fumed. "Ah, Scully, I knew you knew where that room was." "It is my job to know all the places to look for you if I need to find you." "Well, Scully, natural red heads are a shoo-in at these kinds of things." Mulder ducked just in time to miss the two-inch heel that came hurtling at his face. "You're getting into the spirit of things already!" "You know, Mulder, Quantico has such a shortage of teaching cadavers now that they're asking fewer and fewer questions." "Okay, Scully," he relented. "What do you have in mind for this weekend?" "Well, there's a lecture at the Smithsonian on using forensic evidence to solve thousand year old crimes." Mulder scowled. "I thought we were going to do something fun. That's too much like work!" "Well, we could always go to the aquarium." "No way! I'm not going near salt water anytime soon!" "What do you suggest then, Mulder? Besides that chauvinistic, demeaning, Neanderthal 'contest'?" "Bungee jumping?" "Right, Mulder. That's just what you need. Another way to add pages to your medical record." Before Mulder could reply, the phone rang. "Mulder," he said. "Yes." He paused. "Why? Right now?" Another pause. "Okay, we'll be right up." "Where is Skinner sending us now?" asked Scully. "It wasn't Skinner. It was Kersh." "What does he want?" "Probably a personality, but as for the phone call, his secretary said he has some questions about one of our fertilizer cases. Apparently it wasn't closed out properly." "Imagine that." Scully sighed and resigned herself to going upstairs. "What a wonderful way to end the week." Mulder smiled an exaggerated smile in agreement and rummaged through a large pile of files on the floor, searching for the case Kersh had suddenly developed an interest in. A.D. Kersh's Outer Office Friday, 3:45pm Mulder and Scully sat on the couch looking bored. Mulder reached into his coat pocket to retrieve a pen, and was about to begin doodling on the file cover when Scully snatched the utensil from his hand. Just as Scully was giving Mulder a withering look, A.D Kersh's secretary called them into his office. "Agents, have a seat." Kersh directed. "I was hoping our association was a thing of the past, however, I have discovered one of your case files that has not been completed to my satisfaction." Scully answered. "Yes, sir. What part of it are you referring to?" "The background checks on the purchasers of large amounts of fertilizer components in Oklahoma was not done. I have the file right here," said Kersh as he rifled through the stuff on his desk. After looking for a moment, he leaned back in his chair. "It doesn't seem to be here. Let me check and see if it's still on my assistant's desk." Seconds after his departure, Mulder sniffed loudly. Scully looked at him. "Mulder! Did you do that?" "No! I thought it was you!" Scully shook her head. "Wasn't me. Must have been Kersh." "That's just like him to do a walk-by farting. I knew we got the X-Files back too easily." Scully grinned. "You know, Mulder, I think I did see red beans and rice on the cafeteria menu today." "They only serve that about once a month. He must have been planning this for a while." A.D. Kersh walked back into the room carrying the file he had been looking for. "Yes, here it is," he said as he opened the file and sat down. The Assistant Director leaned in his chair and a slight whoosh of air could be heard. It might have been the sound of the cushion in the seat being depressed, but after a moment, it became apparent that it was not. Scully grabbed the file from Mulder's hand. "I'm sure that we completed those reports and sent them to you through the interoffice sme--, I mean mail, sir." Mulder cut a look at Scully for her faux pau. She looked through the file and came up with a hand full of papers. "I've got our copies right here." She handed the stack to him. After looking the reports over, Kersh questioned them again. "Well, what about the large quantity of fertilizer purchased?" Retrieving the file from Scully, Mulder explained. "We compared it to past purchases, and it all seems to be in line." Reaching into the folder, he produced a paper. "We put it together for you in this far--, um, chart." Scully returned the look as Mulder settled back into his chair. Kersh looked over the paper and nodded. "Everything seems to be in order. I just wanted to make sure it was all covered on my end." Scully heard Mulder choke as he attempted to stifle a laugh. "Is that all, sir?" she asked. "No, Agent Scully. I have some additional questions on a background check you two did for Jane Moore. I understand she was undergoing some boop therapy." "Sir?" Scully squeaked. "Group therapy. To help deal with her divorce. Do you think she's fit to work here, Agents?" "Um," said Mulder intelligently, "I believe she should pass the psych screening at this time." He paused. "Is that all, sir?" "I also ran across this expense report, Agent Mulder," said Kersh. "Just how many cell phones has the bureau bought for you?" "I'm not sure of the exact number, sir, but I can assure you --" "That you lost them all in the line of duty," said Kersh. "I know. I've read the reports." He scowled and shifted in his chair. A ripping noise came from behind the desk that he attempted to cover up with a cough. Mulder and Scully raised their eyebrows and exchanged a quick look. Scully decided to risk it, and asked, "Sir, are you all right?" Kersh looked up from the expense report. "Of course I am, Agent Scully! I'm just thanking my lucky stars that Mulder's cell phones aren't going to be coming out of my department's budget any longer." Slightly surprised by his lack of acknowledgment of the noisy, odiferous passage of gas, Mulder tried to take a breath through his mouth. And found that he could taste, something. His eyes watered as he looked at Scully, who also seemed to be having trouble getting a good breath. Maybe they're testing some kind of biological weapon on us, thought Mulder. He attempted another shallow breath and found it bearable. Scully quietly said, "Sir, if that's all --" "One last thing," said Kersh. "I've finished your performance evaluations." He opened a drawer in his desk and withdrew two more files. He handed one to each agent. "I'd like you to read these, then sign them." The agents opened the files and found just what they expected. Words like rebellious, does not respect authority, not a team player, no regard for regulations, unorthodox investigative procedures, and opinionated jumped off the page. They looked at each other just as another sound erupted from behind the desk. This one had a decidedly liquid quality to it. They glanced at Kersh, whose face displayed a wide-eyed look. Mulder snatched his pen back from Scully and quickly scrawled his name on the bottom of the form. Scully barely waited for him to finish before grabbing the pen and signing her own report. They pushed them at Kersh and scrambled for the door. As they stepped into the hall, Scully looked up at Mulder. "What just happened in there?" "I don't know, Scully. I'm as blank as a fart." "What?" "Never watched that 'Twin Peaks' movie, did you, Scully?" "What does that have to do with Kersh?" "Never mind." "Well, in any case, I think we just saw Kersh's 'panic' face," said Scully. "No, I think it was more of an 'oh shit' face. Literally." Even though she tried to suppress it, Scully melted into a fit of giggles. "You know, Mulder," she said when she could catch a breath, "that really was in poor taste." "Yeah," said Mulder with twinkling eyes. "So was the air in there." Scully laughed again. "I keep thinking of all of those tasteless things I've heard since grammar school," she said as she pushed the button for the elevator. "You mean things like 'thunder over turd island' and 'the mouth with no tongue speaks'?" "Those would be the ones," she said, trying not to laugh again. The elevator arrived and they stepped in. Just as the doors were about to shut, Mulder said, "Hey Scully. Did I mention that I ate lunch in the cafeteria today, too?" She suddenly covered her nose and mouth. A muffled, "Oh, no! MULDER!" was heard as the doors closed. THE END Authors' Notes: This story was written under the influence of digesting pizza, Butterfinger BBs(t), and Mylanta(t). And in close quarters with a flatulent Doberman named PiperMaru. If you've gotten this fart, I mean far, we'd like you to know that we are not entirely uncouth. But we had promised a few people a follow-up (of sorts) to a previous story called "Booger Man". <> We hope you enjoyed it! It was nice to vent a little. <> And with this story we'd like to propose a new X-Files group: Defenders of the Disgusting. Frances & Erin -- proud founding members of the DoD SALUTE! FrankieH@aol.com (Frances) & redrock@ametro.net (Erin)