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        Oui, maintenant je disclaim.  These characters are the
property of Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions, and Twentieth
Century Fox.  I am using them without permission.  This is for the
distribution of EMXC only.  Of course, if you ask you can always do
whatever you like with them.  This story was finished around March 1st
I think.

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The G-Files, by JeChant@aol.com
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        "Magic Marty's Mysterious Maze o' Mirrors."  Dana Scully
groaned after reading the sign aloud.  "The Magic Marty part is bad
enough, but why does it have to be o' and not of?  This place is
cheese central."  She turned to her partner.  "Why'd we have to stop
here?  The Bureau would have given us plane tickets, but noooo.  You
decide that we have to stop at some tourist trap halfway between
Podunk and D.C.  Who gave you the name, anyway?"
        Fox Mulder smiled down at her a little too innocently.  "Why?"
        Dana looked suspiciously at him.  "Wait, don't tell me.  It
was... Frohicke?"  Mulder shook his head.  "Byers?"
        "Not a Lone Gunman."
        Dana thought, then smiled suddenly.  "I've got it!  Mr. X met
you in a dark alley and slipped you the manila folder containing two
passes to Magic Marty's Monstrous Rip-off."
        "Don't be silly, Scully.  Rip-off doesn't even start with an
M.  And if you really want to know, it was Tom Colton."
        "Colton?"  Images flashed before her of the magic show and the
aftermath.  She had seen Colton a few times in the hall.  People
always laughed when he walked by, and there were hordes of Colton
morgue jokes circulating.  One of Dana's favorites involved a
comparison of his personality to... but that was another story.  Even
now she had to giggle at the thought of Assistant Director Skinner
arriving with the keys to unlock the morgue door.  And she still
didn't know how Mulder had managed to get Colton in the locked room.
Hallway speculation quipped that it had been alien abduction, but the
truth was that no one could figure out how Mulder had done it.  Which
made it even funnier.  "But Mulder, Colton hates you.  He's been
plotting revenge ever since the morgue."
        Mulder grinned and whispered,  "I know."

        *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

        They entered the attraction through a great hallway.  Visitors
were admitted two at a time, every five minutes.  Dana couldn't
understand the logic in this.  Mulder smiled and shrugged.  He had
never heard of the attraction until Colton had sent him three memos
about it, but he knew that he was probably in for a treat of some
sort.
        Dana looked at the slanted mirrors, and shuddered, remembering
Lenny from that deranged circus town.  Mulder turned towards Dana and
looked behind him.  "Does this angle make my butt look big?"  Dana
stared but declined to answer.  Mulder just laughed.
        Next they entered a large white room, with one wall as an
entire mirror.  The agents were puzzled, until Dana noticed a small
sign.
        "Make faces, pose, tell deep dark secrets, and generally free
yourselves from all inhibitions.  There is more to come.  Much more.
And you must be prepared."  She looked at Mulder.  "There better be
more.  This place is SUCH a rip-off." Mulder looked thoughtfully at
the mirrored wall.  He smiled.  "Okay, Scully, let's free ourselves of
any inhibitions."  Dana looked slightly alarmed, but Mulder smiled
reassuringly.  "I'll go first, okay?"  She nodded.
        Mulder stepped directly in front of the mirror and cleared his
throat.  "Why did Tom Colton cross the road?"
        Dana smiled immediately.  It was the agents' favorite Colton
joke.  Mulder said it was because it made no logical sense, just like
the X-Files.  "Why?"
        "To get stuck in a morgue with Jimmy Hoffa."
        Dana giggled helplessly.  She moved in front of the mirror.
"What do Elvis and Tom Colton have in common?"
        Mulder's brow furrowed.  This was a new one.  "What?"
        "People claim that both have returned from the dead."
        Mulder snorted.  "Not bad.  This one's a doozy.  Is it magic
that Agent Mulder made Colton disappear and show up locked in a
morgue?"
        Dana shrugged.
        "Nope.  It's magic that Skinner didn't leave him in there."
        They both laughed, bending over and guffawing until they both
had the hiccups.  "Okay," said Dana, "But this next one's even
better."

        *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

        "What do you think this is all about?"
        Mulder only shrugged in reply.  Tom Colton had announced that
he had something of interest to the Violent Crimes and X-Files
sections of the Bureau.  Dana had pulled Skinner aside to ask what the
reason for the meeting was, but she had seen right away that he had no
clue.  And he was none too happy about being left in the dark.
        The various agents filed in and took their seats.  The ones
around Dana and Mulder filled quickly, while the front row chairs
surrounding Colton remained conspicuously empty.  Dana noticed that
Larry Heitzman, the resident sleaze, had taken the chair next to her.
He eyes her legs.  She glanced at Mulder, and saw Buffy Sinclair, the
secretarial bimbo, squeeze Mulder's knee.  Dana and Mulder locked
eyes, debated silently, then came to the same conclusion.  They rose
and switched seats qu ickly, receiving dirty looks from their new
seatmates.  Mulder looked slyly at Dana and started to squeeze her
knee, but she slapped his hand away with a knowing smile.
        Tom Colton stood and shouted over the din for people to be
seated.  "He sure looks like the cat who ate the canary," commented
Dana.
        Mulder shook his head.  "I'd say more like the 30-year old
hibernator who ate the liver."  Dana snorted and shook her head.
        "Attention!  Attention, please!"  Colton waved his hands
impatiently while everyone continued to talk.
        Dana leaned toward Mulder and whispered, "You always tell me
to be more outgoing."  She stood and whistled loudly through her
fingers.  Instantly the room was silent.  Mulder clapped silently as
his partner sat down.
        Colton was apparently not amused, judging by how he glared at
Dana.  "Yes, well, welcome, all.  I know you've taken time out of your
busy schedule to come here.  I'll just give a brief overview.  As
important as it is to know and understand the monsters we are expected
to catch, it is also important to know the real monsters which whom we
work."  He smirked as the whispers went wild.  "I hope you enjoy
yourselves.  I'm sure I will.  Ben?"
        Colton's partner, Benjamin Kenner, lowered the lights and
brought a large-screen television set to the front of the auditorium.
He took a videotape out of his pocket, then looked at Colton, who
nodded approvingly.  Colton, despite his bravado, had never seen the
tape's contents.  He had left Kenner with the viewing and editing job,
assuming that the contents were damaging in all ways.  Kenner thought
it a shame that Colton was not aware of his own partner's friends hip
with agents Mulder and Scully.  Well, he thought, as the French say,
C'est la vie!  He popped in the tape, then quickly took a seat far
from Colton.
        The beginning of the tape showed a large white room.  Dana
looked confused, then suddenly paled.  "Mulder?"
        "I know."
        "Mulder!"
        "I know."  His face had gone white.  If Colton didn't despise
him now, in a few minutes he would.
        Suddenly agents Mulder and Scully appeared on the screen,
reading the card under the "mirror."  Colton folded his hands and
waited with a big smile.  Onscreen, Mulder approached the mirror and
said the Jimmy Hoffa joke.  The agents in the audience, especially
Colton, were stunned.  The two-dimensional Mulder and Scully laughed,
prompting the agents watching to burst out in cheers and laughter.
Then they shushed each other, as Agent Scully approached the mirror.
"What do Elvis and Tom Colton have in common?" she asked.  The agents
looked at each other, stumped.  "People claim that both have returned
from the dead."  Even Kenner was laughing carefully as he wrote his
request for a new partner.  The move would take adjustment, but hell,
this was more than worth it.
        Suddenly Colton stood, his face flaming red.  He rushed to the
VCR and tried to turn it off but couldn't.  Damn that Kenner with his
mechanical know-how.  He turned and fled the room, pausing only to
shake a fist at the X-Files agents, who were bent over from laughter
and pounds on the backs from other appreciative agents.  Kenner
stopped the tape long enough for a grinning Skinner to pass out
microwaved popcorn, then hit <play> again.  After Mulder and Dana's
charade was over, a new segment appeared, in which Kenner interviewed
agents and asked for their favorite Colton jokes.  The audience roared
as the familiar dour people around them appeared onscreen as
comedians.  Suddenly the agents grew quiet.  On the tape, Kenner had
ente red Skinner's office, camcorder in hand.  Mulder shook his head
in disbelief.
        "A.D. Skinner," began the tinny voice of Kenner, "can you tell
inquiring minds what your pet Colton joke is?"
        Onscreen, Skinner looked at the camera coldly.  "Yes, Agent
Kenner, I can."  The audience braced itself for a rebuke.  Skinner
looked directly into the camera.  "Is it magic that Agent Mulder made
Colton disappear and show up locked in a morgue? ..."   Skinner
loosened his tie and smiled at the camera.  "No.  It's magic that I
didn't leave him in there."
        Assistant Director Skinner received a standing ovation from
all of the agents present.


End