Endings And Beginnings by Calista Wiley
Finished June 15, 1998
MSR, V, PG for language

[This is only the second fic I've written and the first to see
it's way off my hard drive.  It takes place during Redux II in
the diner where Mulder met his 'sister'.]

Disclaimer:  None of these characters are mine.  1013
should have known we would want to play with them so
they should also know better than to sue me.  Why tie up
the courts for $78.42?

Please send any praise and all complaints to CTWoman392@aol.com.

_____________________________________________


Fox Mulder stood in the doorway of the diner and
wondered why he hadn't been hit by a thunderbolt.  Or
struck blind.  Or turned into a toad.

It didn't seem possible that such a life altering event hadn't
been accompanied by some outward manifestation.  As he
watched the car taillights receding into the night, the car
taking his sister, or a reasonable facsimile of her, away
again, he felt only amazement.  Not despair.  Not even
frustration.  Just amazed that something he had worked and
suffered and longed for could occur and he feel so little.
Maybe he was in shock.  Yeah, that was it, shock.  But he
didn't feel shocky and god knows he had enough
experience with that particular condition to recognize it.

All he seemed to feel was -- relief.  As if  he had marked
'PAID IN FULL' on the debt owed for most of his life.

 If he could believe the cancer man,( Big IF ) he had just
met his sister, Samantha.  Not some clone with  a personal
agenda.  Not a little girl without a soul.  But his sister, for
whom he had searched all of his adult life.  And his sister
was a lovely young woman.  A happy, well-adjusted family
woman who had no desire to explore her past.  Someone
with all the things he had done without.  A loving father.  A
happy childhood.  A life partner.  Children of her own.

 A normal life.

Whatever the hell that was.

When he could no longer see the pinpoints of light from the
car he turned back into the diner.  Walking with all the care
and precision of a Saturday night drunk, he returned to the
table he and 'Samantha' had shared.  He dropped back into
his chair and stretched his legs out to their full length
which meant bumping into the next table. In a sudden
irrational fury, he sent the table screeching across the floor
with a violent kick.  It teetered for a few seconds before
settling back on its legs.  In the silence that followed his
outburst, Mulder dropped his head into trembling hands.  A
few deep breaths calmed his twitching nerves and he
looked up to see the waitress, what was her name? Rachel,
yeah, staring at him with wide frightened eyes.  Good job,
Mulder.  Scare the hell out of some poor girl counting her
tips and the minutes until closing.

He unlocked his jaw and attempted a smile, hoping he
looked like the poster boy for Normalcy.

"Sorry, um..Rachel.  Too much caffeine, I guess."

He could see her grip relax on the napkin dispenser she was
refilling but  her smile was a still  a  little anxious as she
answered.  "Maybe I won't offer you that fresh cup of
coffee, then."

His crack of laughter echoed in the near empty room.
"Yeah, maybe not."  As his voice died away, Mulder lifted
his shoulders in an effort to work some of the kinks out of
his neck and back muscles.  When he moved on to head
rolls, Rachel stepped out from behind the counter and
edged across the floor.

"If, ah, coffee's off limits, how 'bout some tea?  There's
some herbal stuff here that's pretty good."

Mulder smiled at her from half opened eyes as he kneaded
his neck.  "Thanks, but I better be getting back to the
hospital before they lock me out.   Which I'm sure they'd
love to do.  I've been a pain in the ass there, too."

"No wonder you look so tired.  My Mom was in the
hospital last year.  Breast cancer.  It can really wear you
down, all the waiting."  Rachel moved closer to the table.
"Look, let me get you something to eat before you go back.
The food there sucks.  I know.  And waiting's a lot harder
on an empty stomach."

Mulder started to refuse, but Rachel looked so earnest and
his stomach chose that moment to voice its opinion.  He
shot her a rueful look and folded his hands over the
offending organ.

"Guess there's no point in being a martyr.  I'll take anything,
Rachel, before my stomach gets any more vocal."

She set the dispenser on the table and moved to the kitchen.
Mulder's gaze drifted back to the window.  The car lights
were long gone now and Sam with them.   He could hear
the echo of her voice playing over and over in his head.
"Let me go, Fox."

Could he?

 Or had he?

Had he let go of Samantha a long time ago?  When had it
been?  When Scully was abducted?  When she had been
returned?  When she was diagnosed with cancer?  All he
knew now was that he was ready to accept that he had just
seen his sister.  She was fine.  Good.  He had enough other
things to worry about right now.

He had found the chip that should cure Scully's cancer.
Would it?  His entire being was focused on that tiny piece
of metal.  On somehow willing it to work.  Make Scully
better.  Please, God.  Make Scully better.  I'll be good, I
swear.  Just make Scully better.

He rubbed gritty eyes and then pressed the heels of his
hands against them.  The headache lurking behind them
had escalated from nagging to pounding.  When he began
to see stars, he released the pressure and turned toward  the
clatter of china, glass and flatware.  A few blinks and
Rachel came back into focus, although his head still felt as
if it were floating two feet above his body.  Christ, when
had he ever been this tired?  He tried to remember the last
time he had actually slept.  Or eaten. Had it been two days?
Three?  Scully would be chewing his ass if she knew.

And she'd be right.

As usual.

The tape player in his head began a playback of Scully's
voice.  Her words from years ago, from the Beginning
Time.

"Mulder, you haven't slept in 36 hours.  You're going to get
sloppy.  And you're going to get hurt.  It's inevitable at this
point."

And  so she'd put herself and her career on the line.  For
him.  For him and his particular brand of insanity.  And of
course, all she had gotten for her loyalty and  integrity  was
a death sentence.

Was the entire world fucked up?  Or just him?

When he blinked again Rachel was standing before him
with a bowl of steaming soup  and a sandwich.  She had a
quizzical smile on her face as she placed the meal on the
table in front of him.

"I'd say sorry  for interrupting but you didn't look like they
were happy thoughts."  She pulled flatware out of her apron
pockets and completed the place setting.  "Try not to worry.
I'm sure she's doing fine."

The aroma of rich broth set his stomach grumbling again..
Mulder reached for his spoon and sampled the steaming
soup.  Oh. God.  Sex couldn't be better than this.  By the
time Rachel returned with a glass of milk he was scraping
the bottom of the bowl and heroically resisting the urge to
lick it clean.

He started on the sandwich as Rachel place the glass beside
his plate and picked up his clean-as-a-whistle bowl.  Since
his mouth was full, he reached for her hand as she turned
away and motioned to the chair next to his.  He swallowed
quickly.

"Do you have a minute?  I don't think there'll be a rush and
I could use some company."

She hesitated for a second.  She had been hit on by enough
lonely guys, mostly cops on midnight, to be leery.  Working
the graveyard shift made you careful.  And suspicious.   But
this guy.... There was something honest about him.   When
she had spotted the gun on his hip, she had immediately
pegged him as another detective working late.  Up close,
she thought he was too well dressed and too...maybe
vulnerable was the word.  She had found herself straining
earlier to hear his intense conversation with the woman he
had met.  The woman he thought was his sister.  That
remark alone piqued her curiosity.  And something about
the way they parted spoke of pain and loss.

Mulder saw her indecision.  "All evidence to the contrary,
I'm relatively harmless.  And too hungry and tired to be
much of a threat to anyone.  Really"

 Rachel smiled and slid into the seat across from him.  Out
of habit she began checking the salt and pepper shakers for
refills.  He took a long swallow of milk and attacked the
sandwich again.

"So, is your mom okay now?  You said she had cancer?  I
hope it worked out."

Rachel tightened the cap on the salt shaker and gave him a
big smile.  "Yeah, she's doing great.  Still clear and it's been
nineteen months.  Dad's taking her on a cruise next month
to celebrate."

Mulder swallowed the last of his sandwich and reached for
the milk.  "That's terrific.  I'm happy for all of you."

He looked up as Rachel started to speak, changed her mind
and reached for the pepper shaker.

"What?  Something on your mind?"

"I was going to ask how your wife was doing but some
people don't like to talk about sickness.  The cancer support
group was so open and helpful I forget sometimes not to be
nosy."

Mulder wiped his mouth with the napkin and looked
quizzically at Rachel.  "My wife?  What makes you think I
have a wife?"

Rachel's eyes went wide.  "I...guess you just looked
so...lost.  And kind of lonely.  And hungry.  I figured it
must be your wife in the hospital.  Sorry."

"No, that's okay.  I just didn't think I looked married."
Mulder flashed a quick grin at her.  "Whatever married
looks like."  His grin faded.  "No, it's my partner who's ill.
My friend."  His hazel eyes went flat as his breath caught in
his throat.  "I'm lying.  Scully's more than that.  She's
.....everything.  Everything.  She's lying in a hospital bed
dying.  Because of me.  And I can't help her.  I am.  So.
Fucking. Useless."  His breath hitched again.  "She's always
been there for me.  Saved my ass.  Saved my job ... my
sanity...and all I can do for her is sit and wait."  He dashed
a hand over his eyes in a quick, angry motion.  He slumped
over the table. Frustration and temper emanated from him
as his hands twisted in a white-knuckled knot.

Rachel sat frozen in her seat.  She had no idea what to say
to this man.  The mix of fear, pain and defeat that
enveloped him was totally foreign to her.  What could
anyone say or do for him?  She wondered what would
happen to him if he lost his Scully.  What would that
desperation drive him to do?  In a desire to show him he
was not alone, she reached out and tentatively laid her hand
over his clasped ones.  Mulder's head jerked up as he felt
the touch and his eyes met hers.  Her hand tightened over
his.

"You have to believe that what you are doing, being there
for your Scully, means more to her than anything else.  She
needs you now."  The eyes locked on hers seemed to beg
for reassurance.  "Just knowing you're there.  That you care.
That's what is important.  That's what she needs from you."

She saw the bitterness seep back into his face as he turned
away from her gaze.  "You don't get it.  Scully doesn't need
me.  *I'm* the one who needs her.  She just got stuck with
me."

"I don't believe that.  The love I feel from you can't be
one-sided."

Mulder's lips twisted into a mockery of a smile.  "Who said
anything about love?  I told you -- we're partners.  That's
caused her enough trouble.  There's no chance for anything
else.  I just want her to live.  And hope I'm strong enough to
get the hell out of her life after that.  I'm the last thing she
needs."

A sharp ring broke the silence.  Mulder moved his hands
out from under Rachel's and pulled his cell phone from his
pocket.  He dragged a trembling hand through his already
tousled hair as he hit the Send button and mumbled into the
speaker.  "Mulder."

Rachel heard a clear voice coming from the phone.
"Mulder?  Are you okay?"

Mulder straightened his back.  "Yeah, Scully.
I'm...ah...fine.  Are *you* okay?"

Rachel could hear the thin edge of patience in Scully's
answer.  "I'm fine, Mulder.  There's nothing wrong.
Nothing new, anyway.  I just...wondered where you were.
Are you heading home?"

"My home?  I don't think so, Scully.  My apartment is in
crying need of some redecoration, remember?"

"Right.  How about my place?  You can sleep there."

"With your mother and brother?  I don't think that's such a
great idea.  Can you see Bill and me sharing a bed?"
Mulder's face had relaxed as he spoke.  Scully, himself and
a telephone connection.  It almost felt normal.

Scully's smile came clearly over the line. "You have a
point.  But, Mulder, you have to go somewhere.  You
haven't slept since...I don't even know the last time you
slept."  The exasperation in her tone made Mulder's lips
quirk into a smile.  "You can't afford to get sloppy here,
Mulder.  It's too dangerous.  You need to sleep."

Mulder hunched his shoulders as his voice dropped to a
husky murmur.  "Scully.  You're the one who needs to get
some rest.  Stop worrying about me and take care of
yourself.  Please?  Now,  I just finished eating, Doctor,  and
I'm on my way back to the hospital.  Did you want
something else?"   A twinkle turned his hazel eyes to green
as he dangled a surefire distraction before her.  "How about
a chocolate shake, Scully?  Homemade ice cream and
double Dutch chocolate?  What do you say?"

"Why is it that you can't remember to come in out of the
rain but all my secret weaknesses are burned into your
memory?  Yes, Mulder, I would *love* a milkshake.  With
all the trimmings."

"Coming right up, Scully.  Have your Mom and brother
gone or should I bring enough for everyone?"

Rachel suddenly realized she was unashamedly listening to
their conversation and began to gather the empty
dinnerware.  Embarrassed as she was at eavesdropping ,
she had no intention of leaving the table.  Mulder may have
dismissed her assumption of a love story but she knew what
she was hearing.  And seeing. His body language had
undergone a complete metamorphosis while he spoke to his
partner.  He was cocooned in a world that held only the two
of them.  And a telephone.  For the first time he looked  --
whole.

She stopped clattering china and took to wiping the table so
she could hear the rest of the conversation.  Scully must
have said her visitors were gone.

"One chocolate milkshake coming right up.  Sure you didn't
want anything else?"

There was a pause before Scully's voice sounded again.
"No.  Nothing, Mulder.  I...just..I don't even really need
that.  I only called to...to... .Never mind."

Mulder's smile had faded by the time she stopped.  He
spoke concernedly.  "Scully, what is it?  What do you
need?"

Rachel had to strain to hear her answer.

"It's so stupid.  I just... ."  There was a long pause.  Rachel
thought she could hear them all breathing in synch.  Then,
"You, Mulder.  I need you. Everyone tries to be supportive.
And encouraging.  And I love them for it. Really.  But I
need you." Her voice trembled and then strengthened as she
spoke again.  "I need you, Mulder."

Mulder slowly dropped his lashes.  A smile spread across
his face as he opened his eyes and spoke softly.  "Then
you've got me, Scully.  I'm on my way."  He was still
smiling when he hit the End button and dropped the phone
back into his pocket.

Rachel gathered up the plates and grinned at him over
them.  "DoubleDutch chocolate.  Got it.  And, Mulder, the
next time you need advice on your love life, you come see
me."

"Got it."

The End