EMXC 1st Year fanfic- October 1, 1994 thru October 1, 1995
Archived: 10/01/95
==============================================================



The Ecch Files
-------------------------

A joint parody and soon-to-be comic by

Dweeberman and MegaMind

 OR

MegaMind and Dweeberman
                               (01/25/94)
                    
Note:  We most certainly did *not* rip off the MAD Magazine pardoy title
when we made this - we thought this thing up loooong before they wrote
theirs.  Merely a coincidence.
                                     
                  And now, let's get right to the meat (Spam)
                        Interesting Stuff that Basically Makes up
                               What we jokingly refer to as "The Plot" 
                          
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the scene opens, we see Scully walking along the sidewalk, carrying her
trench coat under her arm, and humming to herself. She checks the mailbox
next to one of the fences, and confirms that it is the correct house. As
she enters the gate, she stops to smell a rose growing in the garden, and
smiles.

Suddenly, her eyes pop open, as she begins to hear a quite peculiar sound
coming from somewhere inside the garden. She looks up, and as the sound
increases she sees Mulder being chased by something that vaguely resembles
a lawn mower, except with a rather thick case, several control panels, a
large glass bubble on the top with some sort of strange glowing material
inside it, large, thick wheels, and shark's mouth decals on the side.
Eventually, when the machine has almost caught up with him, he manages to
grab on to a low hanging branch, and pulls himself up. The machine passes
under him, does a few more erratic loops around the lawn, and promptly
crashes into the garage.

Scully nervously steps up to Mulder, who drops from the branch and dusts
himself off.
M:"Hi, Scully.  What's up?"

Scully looks around to ensure that no more man, or possibly woman eating
machines are running rampant around Mulder's lawn.

S:"Actually, I came to tell you that we have another assignment."

Scully walks around to the garage as she speaks, and peers at the broken
piece of machinery.

S:"What IS this thing, Mulder?"

M:"It's my lawn mower."

S:"No, it's not."

M:"Yes it is."

Scully points to the exposed underside of the 'lawn mower'

S:"Well, what's this?"

M:"It's the main blade."

S(pointing to the wheels):"Well, what are those?"

M:"Oh, they're the monster wheels I installed last week."

S(pointing to the bubble with the glowing rock inside):"Well, what's that?"

M:"I don't know."

S:"Yes, you do."

M:"Well, I think it's the power unit."

S:"What does it do?"

M:"Well, it kind of makes it go."

S:"Well, how did you get it?"

M:"I found it in my yard."

S:"Well, where in your yard?"

M:"Why are you asking so many questions?"

S:"I don't know.  I'm friendly.
"
M:"Can we go inside?"

S:"I guess."

Scully turns, and begins walking in the direction of Mulder's front door,
followed by Mulder, wearing a somewhat devilish grin. As they walk through
the hallway, we can  see pictures on the wall of various and assorted
strange extraterrestrial beings, which are labeled "Mom","Dad", "Cousin
Joe", "Uncle Fred", etc.

Mulder glances at the computer in the hallway as he walks past it, and YES
it is an IBM compatible.
A close up of the screen reveals that the computer is running DOOM (tm),
which for all of you who really haven't a clue is one of the nastiest,
goriest, most bloodthirsty games you can ever buy (we gave it a 2 thumbs
up!).
 
Acting quickly, Mulder taps a key with the word "Scully Key" taped on it,
and the screen changes to a beautiful garden scene, with flowers, hearts,
and almost sickeningly cute little teddy bears, and the words "Happy
Daisies" appear at the top. Mulder immediately tries to put on an innocent
face, staring at the ceiling and humming.

Scully turns around, and looks at the computer screen. She smiles and pats
Mulder on the head, and they both walk into the kitchen. Scully sits down
at the small round table, and Mulder walks over to the cupboard.
 
M(rummaging around in the cupboard):"Do you want something to eat, Scully?"

S:"Sure."

Mulder digs a little deeper into the cupboard, and comes out with a tray of
 twinkies, little frosted cakes, cookies, and other assorted sweets to make
your mouth water.

M(offering the tray to Scully):"Here, have some."

Scully looks at the tray, puts on a somewhat repulsed look, and shakes her
head.

S:"Uh, no thanks."

Scully opens her purse, pulls out a carrot, and begins quietly munching.
 
S:"Mulder, there have been reports about this ancient civilization that
inhabited an island somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean.  They were supposed to
have made these large, strange markings that some say are landing strips
for extraterrestrial ships.  Personally, I don't think that they could be
anything more than-" She stops, and looks directly at Mulder, who is
holding three cupcakes in his hands, and peering strangely at her with
crumbs falling out of his mouth.

M(his voice mufffled greatly by the fantastic ammount of food in his
mouth):"What IS that?"

Scully looks confused for a moment, then glances at the carrot in her hand,
realizing this is what he is reffering to.
Scully looks at the carrot, then back at Mulder.
S:"It's a carrot."

Mulder looks very confused (what is this "carrot" you speak of, strange
woman?)

S:"A carrot.  It's good for you.  It's a vegetable."

At the mention of the word 'vegetable', Mulder looks very alarmed, and
quickly puts on some thick rubber gloves, picks up a pair of tongs, and
swipes the carrot from Scully's hand.  He then places it in a yellow
container marked "Biohazard - No Touching Even If You Really Want To."

Taking off the gloves, he sits back down before a very surprised Scully.
M:"Sorry.  You were saying?"

S(cautiously):"Well, the Bureau has given us a boat to take us to our
island destination.  I'm all packed and ready to go when you are."

Mulder finishes the last cupcake, and wipes his mouth on his shirt sleeve.
M:"Okay, but I think we should do a little background research on these UFO
sightings first."

Scully considers this, and then nods.
S:"I agree.  Shall we go?"

M:"Yes." Mulder stands up, and begins running for the door, not remembering
to push his chair in, yelling "Dibs on the front seat!"

Scully stands up (remebering to push her chair in) and calls after him.
S:"Mulder, you're driving, remember?"

From all the way down the hall next to the door, Mulder replies :
M:"Oh, yeah." Mulder opens the door, and walks out.

Scully walks around, pushes in Mulder's chair with a sigh, and follows him
out.
As they enter the car and close the door, and areal view of the road and
Mulder's lawn can be seen, revealing that the lawn has a very strange
design carved into it, not unlike a crop circle, at the end of which is
Mulder's crashed lawn mower.
Mulder turns the key in the ignition, and puts the car into drive.

S:"I think a good place for us to start our research would
be-WHOOOOOAAAAA!!!!!"
Mulder's car speeds off down the road with a squeal of tires and leaves
smoking tracks in the asphalt.

Scene shows Mulder's car on two wheels, careening down highway, causing
mass chaos.

Scully sticks her head out window, screaming:
S:"MULDER!!!!! STEP ON THE BRAKE!!!!" 
   
M(astounded):"I have a brake?" 
                  
S:"YES!!!!  RIGHT THERE BY YOUR FOOT!!!"

M:"Oh!  That's neat!  I always just did this."
Mulder throws his car directly into park(not the best thing to do at this
point).
Mulder's car comes to a screeching halt in front of movie theater.
Scully is sitting rigid and very tense, with a wide eyed and rather glassy
expression on her face.

Mulder kicks open the door, and jumps out exclaiming:
M:"Wow!  What a rush!"

Mulder looks back into the car at Scully.
M:"C'mon, Scully!  Let's get started!"
Mulder jogs off toward the movie theater entrance.

Scully painfully and painstakingly manages to climb out of the car and
follow, trying not to upset her stomach any further.

Mulder buys tickets, soda, popcorn, and candy for the both of them(well,
maybe the candy and grease-like butter substitute coated popcorn would just
be for Mulder), and they both enter the theatre and take their seats just
as the movie starts.
Movie screen dictates the title of the movie as "Attack of the Giant
Non-Nurturing Extremely and Violently Discriminatory Space Horrors from
planet KX-P2123".

S:"Mulder, what are we doing  here?"

M:"Research!"
Mulder whips out camera, frantically snapping pictures

S:"Mulder! Stop that! Don't you know it's illegal to take pictures of a
film in a 
theater?"

M:"I'm not taking pictures of the movie, I'm taking pictures of that couple
making out down in the first row! Hee hee hee!" Mulder stops taking
pictures, looks at Scully, looks back at his camera, edges over away from
Scully in his seat, puts his camera away, and begins watching the film
attentively.

Mulder sits in a rather psychotic fashion, with saliva dripping out of his
wide, toothy mouth, and with large, manical eyes, stuffing popcorn hungrily
in his mouth. Scully sits bug eyed with her hand over her mouth, a nauseous
expression on her face, and one hand on her stomach, as the sounds of a
large scale space battle can be heard in the theatre.

Beavis and Butt-Head sit down behind Mulder and Scully(at this point,
Dweeberman would like to make it publicly known that this part was not his
idea, that he does not particuarly care for that show, and thinks that this
part is really rather silly).

Beavis:"Heh Heh.. This movie's cool."

Butt Head:"Yeah, but like, who are those dorks in front of us?"

Butt Head:"Yeah, huh, huh huh, they
 suck."

Beavis:"Heh heh heh, you got the Milk Duds?

Mulder and Scully are hit by flying hard objects.

Butt Head:"Huh huh, you bet, dude

M & S:"YOW!  OUCH!  OW!  OOO!  OW!!"

Screen shows a particuarly nasty looking alien blah blah blah space horror 
dripping with ooze and slime and other things we'd rather not mention about
to attack a battle hardened space fighter with one of it's slimy tentacles,
however, the man is armed to the teeth with various grimy, filthy looking
futuristic weapons.
Scully slaps her hands over her eyes
S(to Mulder):"Tell me when I can look."

M(grinning sadistically):"Okay, it's safe now."

Scully opens her eyes just as the screen erupts in red, along with the
sound of screams, both human and something else, and bits and pieces of,
uh, stuff fly out from the battle along with the blood spray.
Scully moans (we sympathize).

After the movie, Mulder drags Scully out of the theater, and frowns as he
throws his jacket into a garbage can.
Scully is holding her stomach and looking quite sick, with popping bubbles
above her in the true cartoon fashion.

M:"Gee, how'd you ever get to be a doctor?"

S(mumbling):"Gimme a knife and I'll show you."

Once again, they enter the car
M:"Say, Scully, I know this great little cinema complex that we can use to
further our research and-"

S(in a very solid and controlling voice):"NO.  WE'RE GOING TO THE DOCK TO
GET OUR BOAT.  NOW!"

M(plaintively):"But -"

S:"DRIVE!"

Mulder puts the car in gear, and begins driving slowly towards the docks.
Mulder and Scully arrive at the pier, and see a large, beautiful boat.
The boat dealer walks up, an old, ragged man with a dirty, prickly beard, a
black eye patch, and a tattered black cloak.

*Note - the following short joke may or may not be surgically removed by
the gumby brain surgeons in the near future and only fans of Monty Python
will get it*

M(whispering to Scully):"Scully, look, it's the old man from scene 24!"

S(to Mulder, in a very confused fashion):"What?"

BD:"Arr.  Ye must be the ones we'd be lendin' this boat over yonder to fer
the governm'nt." 

S(to dealer):"Um, yes, I think this is the boat that the F.B.I. is
chartering to us for a few days.  We're ready to leave as soon as-." and
the boat promptly sinks below the waves, leaving only a few bubbles. The
boat dealer offers them a derelict little rowboat behind him.

BD:"Well, yer boat sunk.  Arr.  This is th' only 'un we 'ave left. But,
tell you whut we'll do fer ya.  We'll give it to ye fer free.  Arr."

S:"Hmm... your prices seem to be a little high. Can we negotiate?"
The boat dealer knocks a large hole into the side of the boat.

BD:"Sure.  Har, har."

M:"Just a moment, Scully. (to dealer)You keep saying 'we'. Who are these
mysterious 'other people' you work with? Would they by chance be..
ALIENS???"

S:"Mulder..."

M(to dealer):"Oh, yeah, I see your whole plan now. Just gonna leave  us out
in the middle of nowhere, in this sorry excuse for driftwood, where the
alien mother ship will come, and abduct us, and perform horrible
experiments on us, and..."

S:"Shut up, Mulder. He's willing to give us five bucks to take it."

BD:"Arr."

Mulder looks him straight in the eye, and "Arr"'s him right back.
The dealer growls viciously at Mulder, who takes refuge behind Scully.
Mulder and Scully carefully enter the boat.
Mulder turns around towards the motor.

S:"I'll row."

M:"Oh, no, you don't have to do that. See, we've got a motor."

S:"Gee, it really doesn't look all that safe."

M:"Oh, sure, it's fine."
Mulder pats the motor, which consequently falls to pieces.
M:"Uh.. you row."

Cut a scene to three days later.
Mulder wears a ratty-looking beard, and both their clothes are ragged and
torn.
S:"Could things possibly get any worse? We're stuck out here in the middle
of the 
Atlantic Ocean, we have no food, it's the hottest day of the year, our
clothes are 
wasting away, my perm has gone flat, and (looking hard at Mulder)ahem - we
have no oars."

M:"Well, those mosquitoes were getting too darn nosy!"

S:"Oh, what kind of a flimsy excuse is that?"

M:"Look! You're not the only one who's having problems here! I've had to go
to the john since Wednesday, and-"
Mulder stomps his foot on the bottom of the boat, and a sickening crunching
sound is heard, along with the trickling of water. Scully gives Mulder the
evil eye, as the boat begins sinking.  Mulder shrinks back away from
Scully.

M:"Wait! This craft is equipped with government certified floatation
devices!"
Mulder reaches into a box, pulls out to plastic water rings,  and he and
Scully quickly inflate them. Scully's is a pink unicorn with floral
designs, labeled "My Little Pony", and Mulder's is a strange green creature
with several eyes and two antennae, labeled "Property of Three Mile
Island".

FYI, the facial expressions of the occupants are reflected in the facial
expressions of the life preservers. Suddenly, Scully gets an idea.

S:"Hey! Maybe we can contact the FBI through the Internet!"
Scully whips out her waterproof laptop, boots it up and begins typing
furiously. Mulder looks at the laptop with growing interest, and then grabs
it away.

M:"Hey!  These are cool!  Let me play for a while!"
Mulder pulls out his DOOM (tm) disks(also waterproof), and shoves the first
one in the disk drive, rapidly typing.

M(frowning):"Oh, darn.  You don't have any free space left on your hard
drive!  Well, let me fix that."

S(warily):"Mulder, I don't think you-"

M:"Oh, don't be such a stiff pickle, Scully.  Here, I think and can blow
this away... this doesn't look all that important... this can definitely
go..."Mulder stops typing, and frowns.

M:"Hey, Scully, what does 'Missing Operating System' mean?"

Scully grabs the laptop, hits a few keys, tosses it into the ocean with a
despairing look on her face, and then turns to Mulder. Scully's disposition
can now basically be termed as  "locate and annihilate" The label on
Scully's unicorn turns form "My Little Pony" to "Search and Destroy".
Mulder closes his eyes and grits his teeth in preparation for his grim
fate. Scully's unicorn, who is now a black stallion with a gnarled blue
horn and firey red eyes, breathing fire out it's nostril's, rears back and
rams Mulder's life preserver with unprecedented force.

S:"Take THAT!"

Suddenly, both of them (as well as their rafts) look up as they hear a
hissing sound.
The escaping air from Mulder's life preserver carries him and Scully, who's
unicorn is now deeply embedded in Mulder's life preserver, away at an
alarming speed. They both go flying for a distance, and land on a deserted
beach. Mulder and Scully stand up, and dust themselves off.

S:"Wonderful.  Now we're stuck on a deserted island, we have no means of
calling a rescue party, we are totally exposed to the sun, my diet planner
got lost somewhere around the Continental Shelf, and worst of all, I wore
my most expensive outfit today."
Mulder spots something off in the distance.

M:"Scully! Look! What's that? Could it be an ancient human attempt to
communicate with  another civilization? Maybe a strange signaling device?
Could it be that the inhabitants of this island have already made contact?"
Mulder digs into his pocket, and fishes out a pair of binoculars, which he
hands to Scully.

Scully looks through the binoculars.
S:"No, it's signboard that says 'Drink Joke-a-Cola'."

Mulder frowns.
M:"Well, it still proves that we've arrived at our destination.  Somebody
had to put that up, right?  The inhabitants of this island are obviously
the ones we are looking for.  Who knows, maybe they put up that billboard
to advertise to extraterrestrials!"
Mulder gets a sort of glazed look on his eyes.

M:"Yeah!  Maybe that's how contact was first established by roping in
aliens with cheap advertisements!  Perhaps they wanted to find a better
alternative to the soda pop they have on their homeworld!  Or, they could
possibly have been..."Scully sighs in despair and rolls her eyes, then
takes another peek into the binoculars.

Cut to scene of small masked guys with spears jumping out from behind
billboard, seen through binoculars. Scully screams and drops the
binoculars, which are washed away by a wave.

M:"Oh, great, Scully. Now look what you've done. Those were my best pair of
opera glasses!"

S:"Opera glasses? You never go to the theatre!"

M:"Oh really?  Then what do you call my neighbors?"

S:"You mean you actually watch those people every day through binoculars?"

M:"Well, only since my video camera's been in the shop."

S:"Mulder, that is completely disgusting.  How can you possibly stoop any
lower?"
Mulder and Scully are approached from the back by several native island
cannibals, wearing th standard cannibals garb, such as small pants made
from leaves, and very colorful wooden masks.

CANNIBAL:"Oo Ee, Oo Ah Ah, Ting, Tang, Walla Walla Bing Bang!"

S&M(to respective cannibals):"DON'T INTERRUPT US!!!"

Cannibals press spears into Mulder's and Scully's backs.

CANNIBALS:"Ooka Ooka!"

Mulder and Scully are marched to the Cannibal's village. A sign is seen
right outside the village:
"You are now Entering the Village Of Your Local Friendly Cannibals.
                               Please, No Littering."

CANNIBALS(all):"Ooka Chaka, Ooka Chaka, Ooka, Ooka, Ooka Chaka..."

M:"Well, Scully, look on the bright side.  I mean, maybe, if these people
have already met with extraterrestrials, they can take us to see one of
them!  This could be an historic occasion!" Scully gives him a really
annoyed look.

Mulder and Scully are taken to the Witch Doctor
The Witch Doctor, instead of wearing a mask, wears a paper bag over his
head, with two holes cut out for his eyes.

WD:"Okka Chak Bak Lak!  These are the prisoners who have invaded our
island!  The punishement for such a crime is death!" Mulder and Scully
gulp.

WD:"However, I have prepared a special fate for you two!"

M:"W-wh-why?"
WD(to Scully):"Because....congratulations, Dana Scully, you are the 10,000
tourist to set foot on this island!"

The cannibals cheer, don their party hats, and throw lots of confetti!
Mulder snd Scully sigh with relief.
WD:"As a special prize, I will grant you one service. Anything you require,
I will do."
Mulder starts to say something:

Scully slaps her hand over his face.
Scully(politely):"If you would be so kind, my perm needs... uh...
resurrection?"

Mulder struggles to get free.

M(muted):"Air... Need air.."
Scully releases him, and he stands, gasping for breath.

WD:"Of course. However, I will need one ingredient to complete my formula. 
You must bring me... (dramatic pause) ...the toenail clippings of the
hideous giant flying mountain gorilla of Outer Mongolia!"

Scully and Mulder both stare blankly at the witch doctor.

WD:"Okay... you must bring me the tooth shavings of the giant slimy sea
monster that dwells off the coast of Kookamunga!"

The blank stares persist...

WD:"Well, how about this - you must bring me the nose hairs of the
extremely vicious but unbelievably tiny bat creature that currently
occupies a small apartment in Brooklyn!"

Mulder snaps his fingers in frustration.
M:"Darn! I knew I shouldn't have cleaned out my pockets!

"WD:"*Sigh* Well, I guess I could take some fur from a teddy bear or
something."

Scully slowly pulls a brown teddy bear from her trenchcoat, and looks at it
sadly.
S:"*snif* Aw, Mr. Snuggles, it won't hurt that much..."

The witch doctor pulls off a few hairs from 'Mr. Snuggles', and Scully
quickly grabs him back and begins cuddling him. 

WD:"Now I can begin the incantation! (begins chanting) Ooka Looka Chumma
Wumma Big Daddy Cracker Jack Pop Whiz Bam Pow!"

The pot he has been chanting over sizzles, and he scoops some of it's
contents into a vile. Scully starts to take it, but before she can, he
pours it over her head.

S:"Oh, why tha-gurgle gurgle blub blub..."

There is a whizz, a crackle, and a pop, and Scully's perm is as good as
new!
Scully looks into a mirror on the wall next to her, and beams.
Suddenly, several small, masked cannibals who would look tough except their
height makes them comical burst through the hut's door.

CANNIBAL:"Akka Lakka Chum! These prisoners are ours! We cook them now!
(turns to Scully) But first, we scalp!"

The lead Cannibal raises a knife, and is about to cut off a bite-size
portion of Scully's head, when his hand is caught in mid-air by Scully's.

Scully returns to Dangerously Unstable mode, and proceeds to give all of
the intruding cannibals quite a good thrashing.

S(as she is beating the you-know-what out of the cannibals): "DON'T...
TOUCH... MY... HAIR!!!!!!"

WD:"STOP!"

Scully stops her violent interlude, and everyone looks at the Witch Doctor.

WD:"Please, stop all this violence! Besides, PacoDeTaco -whom you are
presently mangling- was just kidding! We don't eat red meat anymore.  It's
much too high in cholesterol, and then there's always the chance of getting
salmonella."

Scully slowly lowers the cannibal with a much too large smile, dusts him
off, then grins sheepishly at the astonished crowd inside the hut.

PACODETACO:"This woman has defeated all of my best warriors! She must be...
A GODDESS!"

EVERYONEBUTSCULLY:"Gasp!"

WD:"Indeed, you are most powerful. You may truly be one of the great ones.
But first, we must test to find out if you are lying."

S:"Wh-h-at happens i-if I'm n-n-ot?"

Everyone else gives Scully the sarcastic "Gee, what do you think?" look.

M(whispering to Scully):"Maybe their "gods" are really extraterrestrials
who have landed here and taken control!  This could be a chance to make
contact!"

S:"Mulder-"

M:"What?"

S:"Oh, never mind!"

Scully is dragged whimpering to boat, with Mulder following.
The boat leaves for another island.

S:"Why me? Why me? Why do things always have to happen to me? Why can't it
be somebody else? Why do I have the be the goddess? Why not  another
person?
(points to Paco) Why not him?(points to Mulder)Why not.. you? Mulder?"
Mulder is asleep. Scully kicks Mulder, he snorts and turns over. Scully
rolls her eyes and sighs.

The boat arrives at island, running aground with a crunch. Everyone gets
out, except Mulder, who snoozes on.

WD:"For the first test, you must climb Mount Wattahunkacrapp, and meet with
the high priest there. He will assign you your next test."

PACODETACO:"But first, you must be dressed in our traditional ceremonial
garb. (he claps his hands, and a man walks out carrying scissors, measuring
tape, and bobbypins.) This is NeatoBurrito, our tribe's wardrobe supplier,
hairdresser, professional babysitter, and the best plumber on the island.
He will show you to your dressing room."

Scully and NeatoBurrito enter a small hut. The view from outside shows some
bustling about, then someone says "Finished. Now, look in the mirror",
followed by a long scream. Scully emerges from the shop wearing a
glass-bubble space helmet with "Buck Rogers 25c" inscribed on it, a plaid ,
a "Peace" medallion about half the size of her head, and blue fuzzy pajama
pants ... with feet!  She walks slowly and bent over from the weight of the
medallion.

Laughter runs through the crowd. Scully flashes them an evil look and they
are silenced.

WD:"Wakka Hakka Bak Stak!  Let the tests begin!"

Fearfully, Scully begins climbing...

Cut to a scene of Mulder in the boat.
Mulder suddenly wakes up.
M:"Wh.. Wha.. What? Where is everybody?"
Mulder looks around, spies the group of cannibals, and runs over to them

Cut to a scene of Scully ascending the mountain.
Scully almost loses her grip, but then regains it.
Thinking quickly, she takes off the peace medallion, and uses it as a
grappling hook 
Scully throws the heavy medallion to the top of the mountain, and quickly
climbs to the top, scaling the mountain with the long chain hanging down.
Scully stands a little winded but still victorious at the summit.

Cut to scene of cannibals sitting on bleachers, pan over to Mulder who is
dressed in a T-shirt with a skull superimposed on an E (Skull-E), a
baseball cap  with a large "S" on it, and holding a pennant that says "GO
SCULLY!!"
M:"Scu-lly! Scu-lly!"

Cut to scene of the High Priest emerging. The high priest is a frail old
man dressed in only a sandwich sign that says "HIGH PRIEST" on it, and has
a long, white beard
HP:"Boy, do you look stupid!"

Scully looks about to cry.

HP:"Never mind that, though. For your next test, you must escape from the
Cave of Really Rotten Luck before something Really Terribly Nasty happens
."

The High Priest points to the cave. Various horrible noises not unlike
those from the, ahem, 'movie', come from the cave. Scully gets that
really-terribly-afraid-why-the-heck-does-this-always-happen-to-me look on
her face.

Cautiously, Scully advances toward the cave. Inscribed on the wall of the
cave are the words: "Whoever would pass the tunnel of  Ultimately Really
Bad Things that Scare you a Lot must first evade the roaring beast".

Various screams and growls echo form farther within the cave. Scully
cautiously advances, whimpering, until the roars get really loud. Suddenly,
a small white poodle leaps out from the shadows, and begins tugging and
snarling at whatever Scully has on her feet. Scully sighs and moves on.

More words written on the wall:"Whoever would pass another part of the
You-Know-What Tunnel must first leap over the bottomless pit". Scully
braces herself. and advances into the cave.

Suddenly, her foot is caught on something... Scully looks down to see a
rather small pothole labeled "bottomless pit." Scully gives a grim look and
moves on.

Some more words:"Whoever would pass some more of the tunnel of all that
jazz must first scale the shear rock of Dangerous Climbing."

Scully advances until she comes to a rock about half her height. She leaps
over it with hardly an effort. Yet another inscription:"Whoever wants to
get outta this cave must first pass the test of courage." Scully moves of
with a sigh and a "how bad could this possibly be" attitude.

Scully comes to a large shiny object labeled "look and behold"...
Suddenly she realizes it is a mirror, and the reflection she sees is what
everyone else has seen all along. Scully finally realizes how stupid her
outfit really is, and nearly faints.

Pulling herself together, she slowly moves out of the cave, and is greeted
by Mulder.
carrying an armful of nachos and cheese.

S:"What-What're you doing up here?"

M:"Well, the cannibals pretty much got tired of me after I ate all their
nachos, and told me I was to tell you that... uh..." Mulder eats a nacho.

M:"Oh yeah! I'm supposed to tell you that for your next test, you are
supposed to survive the Bubble Bath of Doom."

M(with sly look):"Can I watch?"

S:"NO!"

Mulder shrinks back, and Scully stalks off.

Scully approaches the bubble bath, and sees several sharks swimming around
in it
Scully looks wide eyed at the tub. Suddenly, she takes a closer look at one
of the shark fins, which says "Made in Taiwan." Scully lifts the shark out
of the water, which is really a native wearing a swim mask, snorkel, and
has a plastic shark fin strapped to his back.

S(with an oh look what I found look):"Heh heh heh..."

CANNIBAL(with an oops you caught me didn't you look):"Heh heh heh..."

Scully tosses him over her shoulder.
S:"All right! Everybody out of the pool!"

The cannibals exit the bathtub. Scully turns toward the camera, and with a
malicious grin reaches into her pocket, and pulls out a lens cap, which she
begins tossing and catching.

Scully places the lens cap on the camera, and when it is removed she is in
the tub immersed in bubbles. A person who is rather tall for a cannibal but
wears the normal cannibal attire runs up, and begins making various strange
shapes and ears and weird designs on Scully's head with the soap suds.
Scully sinks lower into the tub, looking very relaxed.

The cannibal turns toward the camera, lifts up his mask to reveal that he
is actually Mulder, winks at the camera, then lowers his mask and resumed
his work.

Cut to scene several minutes later. 
Scully comes out wearing a big fluffy pink bathrobe, pink bunny slippers
and looking very refreshed.

S:"Well, that was nice. Now how am I supposed to get down?"
She spies an opening marked "Elevator - Down Only", shrugs, and enters.
When she gets down the mountain, she exits the elevator, and cheers abound
throughout the crowd.

CROWD:"Hooray! Yay! Scul-ly, Scul-ly! Hooray!"

Scully smiles, blushing.

WD:"She has passed the tests! She must be a goddess! Let our people
rejoice!"
The crowd cheers!

WD:"As a token of our worship, we give you this, the sacred holy symbol of
the 
Local Friendly Cannibal Tribe!"

CROWD:"OOOOOOOO!!!!"

The Witch Doctor hands Scully a bronze holy symbol shaped like a triangle
with 3 circles.

WD:"Behold, the Triple Dip Nacho!"

Scully beams.
Everyone boards the boat once again, which then leaves for the island.

M(whispering to Scully):"So, did you see them?"

S:"See who?"

M:"The aliens!  The ones who these cannibals have made contact with!"

S:"Mulder, I didn't see anyhting.  I don't even think these people have met
with aliens.  You're just letting your imagination get carried away."

The boat arrives at the main island. Scully is carried off on a rickshaw by
2 cannibals, surrounded by the rest of the crowd.

Inside, Scully is seen applying makeup and powdering her face. Scully is
carried to a large throne carved out of stone and shaped like Barney.
Scully is hoisted up onto the throne, so that she is sitting in Barney's
lap...

Scully sits down slowly and painfully, making a cringing and disgusted
look, and holding herself up with her hands while she lowers herself into
Barney's lap.

S:"So, what do I do now?"

WD:"Oh, you do what all the gods on this island : you sit in high council."

S:"You mean I get to sit and listen to people complain?"

WD:"Exactly."

Sully shrugs, and leans back in her chair, kicking her feet (she can't
reach the ground), and starts eating from a bowl of hard candy sitting next
to her on the armrest. The candy makes a loud crunching noise, and one of
the cannibals approaches her.

CANNIBAL:"What are you eating?"

S:"Oh, I'm eating some hard candy I found."

CANNIBAL:"Where did you find it?"

S:"In a bowl on the armrest."

CANNIBAL:"Oh no! You've eaten our sacred sankara stones!"

Scully sits with a stunned expression on her face, her mouth full of rocks.
She turns around, and spits out the rocks with a loud "GAAACCK!" sound...
Scully grins, and the cannibal walks away.

Another cannibal approaches, carrying a box wrapped with a red ribbon, and
he bows and hands it to Scully. Scully strains to reach it, and finally
takes it.

S:"Oh, how nice!  What's this for?"

CANNIBAL:"Well, everybody brings gifts to gods when they go to ask them
advice."

Scully opens the box, and her eyes gleam as she finds it is a rather large
box of chocolates (note - chocolates are Scully's one true candy weakness).
Scully sets the box on the armrest, and listens to the cannibal.

CANNIBAL:"O Great One, how do I know if a tree in the forest is awake or
sleeping?

S:"Well, if it is creeping through the night, and opening windows, and
stealing little children, then it is awake.  Otherwise, it is asleep... and
waiting."

The cannibal walks away satisfied, and another approaches. He hands Scully
another large box of chocolates, which she gladly accepts.

CANNIBAL:"O Great One, how do coconuts get onto a tree?"

S:" Practice, practice, practice."

The cannibal leaves, also satisfied.

Mulder walks, or rather skips, past the throne, bopping to the music of 
his new walkman and headphones, his eyes closed.

M:"Hi, Scully.  Nice slippers."

S:"Thanks."(pops a chocolate into her mouth).

Mulder shuffles off camera.

Cut to a scene of several hours later, as the sun is setting.
Scully sits leaning back in the throne, with a wiggly grin, surrounded by
empty boxes of chocolates and candy wrappers. Mulder walks up, no longer
dancing, his headphones hanging around his neck.

M:"Hi Scully."

No response from the chair.

M:"Hello, Scully."
Still no response...

M:"Hello?"

Mulder climbs up onto the throne, and begins waving his hand in front of
her face.

S:"Could you pull over the car please?  I think I'm going to be sick."

Mulder waves his hand to someone off camera, and two cannibals appear and
help Scully out of the throne. Scully is carried to a clearing in the
forest, with Mulder tagging along, licking a lollipop.

The cannibals push aside some fronds, to reveal a large and luxurious
modern hotel
Mulder, Scully and the cannibals enter, and progress past the very large
and very comfortable  reception room, into an elevator, which promptly
takes them to their room.
The elevator door opens, and Scully cartwheels out followed by a rather
surprised looking Mulder and cannibals.

S(reciting form memory very fast and very hyper):"I am the very model of a
modern major general, I've information vegetable, animal and mineral..."

Apparently, the sugar has taken effect.
Mulder peeks into the room cautiously, not having the slightest idea what
to expect, and sees Scully swinging from the chandelier.

The cannibals step into the elevator, which closes and takes them down to
the first floor.

Mulder, being careful to avoid getting hit by Scully, steps  across the
room and off camera. In a blurred flying motion, Scully leaps from the
chandelier, does a triple somersault, and does a belly flop onto her bed.
Scully stands up and begins bouncing up and down on the bed.

Mulder sits on his bed, cautiously regarding Scully with a rather
frightened expression on his face. Scully leaps off of the bed, goes
sailing across the room, and lands in Mulder's lap.

S(babbling):"...And I want a pony and a dolly and a puppy and froggie..."

There is a knock at the door, and a cannibal wearing a tuxedo(but not
without the mask) enters the room. Scully's head whips around, with wild
yet smiling, almost devilish expression, and with some sort of strange cry
leaps off Mulder's lap and sails out the door, mowing the cannibal down as
she goes.

There is a laugh from Scully in the hallway, and a long scream from the
cannibal, which trails off into silence. Mulder sits trembling and watching
the door with wide eyes. 
Scully bounces back in and lands on the bed next to Mulder. She swings into
his lap.

S:"Read me a story!"

Mulder whips out a copy of  Dostoyevsky's "Crime and Punishment", and
begins to read it to her.

Cut to scene of several hours later.

Mulder is surrounded by piles of books, mostly occult and science fiction
like "Communion", and he is wearily reading Tolstoy's "War and Peace" to
Scully, who is in a fit of laughter. Mulder turns the page, and abruptly
falls asleep, collapsing on the bed. Scully picks up the book, and reads
the last two pages.

S:"This is BO-RING!"
Scully chucks the book over her shoulder.

Suddenly, there is a bright flash outside the window, accompanied with a
loud rumbling sound. Scully rushes to the window and opens it. Looking out,
she nothing.  Then Scully looks downward, and sees several cannibal
children toying with a signal gun. Scully sighs, closes the window, and
hurries to the cabinet to get out her fingerpaints.

Cut to a scene inside a rapidly ascending extraterrestrial spacecraft.
Two extraterrestrials are standing up and looking out of the back window,
and the third is up front piloting the ship.

ET1(in back):"Man, those kids should be more careful!"

ET2(in back):Are we hit? Did they get us?"

ET3(pilot):"I don't know.  This sucks.  This is the last time I'll ever
volunteer for a mission."

Cut to scene of another several hours later.
Mulder wakes up, a bit disorganized but very refreshed. The room is covered
with very colorful finger paintings that defy description. Scully is in the
corner, wearing a leotard and sweatbands, doing aerobics.

There is another knock at the door, and then the door is kicked open. There
is a pause, and a cannibal looks around the corner.

M:"Why are you being so cautious?"

CANNIBAL:"Well, I came up here to inform you that the both of you are
invited to a banquet being held in your honor.  We sent someone up here
last night to tell you, but he... uh.. didn't come back."

Mulder looks at Scully, who is doing a handstand in the corner.

Cut to scene of all three people, Mulder, Scully (in her normal attire),
and the cannibal, walking down a path, until they reach an outdoor banquet
area, with a large banner that says "Welcome Scully."

As the trio approaches, the cannibals in the banquet area (who were
previously finishing some last minute preparations) all look up from what
they are doing, and cheer as Scully enters the banquet area.

CANNIBALS:"HOOOORAYYYY!!! SCULLY! SCULLY!"

Scully and Mulder are escorted to their seats at the head of a very large
an lavishly decorated banquet table.

The food, however, apparently gives reference to why the cannibals became
cannibals, as it is the most vile and disgusting slimy putrid
squirming(yes, squirming) collection of dishes that anyone could ever
imagine.

WD(who is seated at the other end of the table, quite a distance from
Mulder and Scully):"Welcome, dear guests!  We are honored that you chose to
join us, and we rejoice in your presence!"

CANNIBALS:"YAAAAYYY!!!"

WD:"But enough of this prattle! Now we eat!"

CANNIBALS:"Eat! Eat! Ooka Chaka, Ooka Chaka, Eat Eat Eat!"

WD:"It is customary for our honored guests to take the first bite at a
banquet.  So dig in, O Great One!"

CANNIBALS:"Ooka Chaka, Ooka Chaka, Scarf It Down!"

Mulder look with waning health at the food, and then glances at Scully, who
is fervently tying a napkin around he neck, and looking hungrily at the
food.

Scully grabs the nearest bowl of still-moving food and heaps a gigantic
pile onto her plate.  She grabs whatever utensils are provided, and raises
them to cut/slice/scoop up the food while licking her chops. Suddenly,
Scully's eyes roll back, and she collapses face first into her breakfast.

CANNIBALS:"GASP!"

For several minutes it seems that Scully does not move. Mulder and the
Witch Doctor peer critically at her, and she suddenly jerks up from. the
pile of slimy stuff on her plate with an absolutely abhorrent look on her
face. She wipes her mouth, and looks to Mulder.

S(stammering):"Wh-wha-what happened t-to me?"

The sugar lost it's hold...

WD(shouting)It is done! Anyone who eats this stuff always gets knocked out
and forgets what has happened!  The Great One has eaten the food!"

CANNIBALS:"HOOORAAAYY!""

WD:"Now, take this slimy stuff away and bring on the real food!"

Several cannibal waiters  quickly clear the table of all the afore
mentioned slop, and bring out steaming platters of pancakes with syrup,
french toast laden with butter, bagels with every imaginable topping,
waffles piled on with strawberry jelly, several large coffee pots and many
mugs, and basically more than you could possibly imagine anyone could eat
for breakfast.

Two platters of delectable looking, steaming hot and freshly prepared food
are set in front of Mulder and Scully. They blink, look at each other,
grin, and then begin to dig in to a scrumptious breakfast.
 
Suddenly, Scully's eyes go wide, as she remembers her long-lost diet
planner.

S(with crumbs falling out of her mouth):"MMMMPPHH! My diet!"
Scully looks absolutely mortified.

Mulder thinks quickly, and decides to seize the opportunity
M:"Oh, don't worry about your diet.  See, I read this article in Occult
Weekly about this really great visualization technique.  Just close your
eyes, and imagine whatever you want to eat, and you won't gain a pound." 

S:"Great! But are you sure it works?"

Mulder gives her a strange look, points to the mound of food on his plate
and then to himself.

Scully nods, and closes her eyes, and begins to dream of wonderful, tasty,
calorie loaded dishes. Mulder waves his had in front her face, finds that
she is asleep, and then begins eating off of her plate.  Scully starts to
mumble the names of various delicious foods, smiling and licking her lips
Mulder, who has pretty much cleaned Scully's plate, waves his hand in front
of her face again, which she promptly chomps down on.

M:"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

Scully wakes up with a start, and Mulder withdraws his hand painfully, and
begins nursing it.

S:"Oh, gee, Mulder, I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to - HEY! WHERE'S MY
FOOD?"

M:"Well, you ate it, of course!  You were just raving about how good it
was."

Scully looks at Mulder, looks back at the camera, and shrugs.

After breakfast, Mulder waltzes into the kitchen to see if he can pick up
any leftovers. The kitchen is a small building to the left of the banquet
table.
Inside, the kitchen is a wreck, with hot, steaming dishes piled up all
over, and dirty untensils scattered throughout. The place is silvery, but
the finish is tanrished by all sorts of goop splattered against the wall.
The cannibals working in the kitchen wear white aprons tainted with various
stains, and white chef's hats.

The smell in here is positively nausiating...
A rather large and rotund man walks up to Mulder, dressed in faded and
dirty blue jeans, a red and black flannel shirt, cowboy boots that are
miniscule compared to the rest of him, and a white chef's hat.

HOSS:"Howdy thar, pardner!"

Mulder looks around, then points to himself.

M:"Uh...are you talking to me?"

HOSS(with a hearty laugh):"Ha Ha Ha!  I sure am, ya little cowpoke! 
Th'name's Hoss, I'm the best chef this side'a the - wull whar is this'ere
place, anyhoo?"

M:"Uh, I'm not sure, but the travel brochure said that it was a nice place
to go."

HOSS:"Ya mean this little dude ranch has it's own right-spankin' travel
type agency?"

M:"Yeah.  What place doesn't?"
Mulder spies something glittering in the sink (which is easy to do since
the rest of the dishes are so covered with grease). As Mulder approaches
the object, his eyes widen in excitement.

Cut to scene of the outside of the kitchen.

Scully is waiting for Mulder beside the door, playing jacks.
Mulder bursts out of the kitchen, waving a frying pan around wildly.

M:"Scully!  Scully!  I found it!  I found it!"

S:"Found what?"

M:"Proof!  See?  Look!  I found this in the sink!  Do you know what this
is?"

S:"It's a frying pan.  So what?"

M:"No!  It's not a frying pan!  It's the motor unit from an alien
spacecraft!  See?  It's all right here!"

Mulder whips out a copy of the National Enquirer and flips to an article
titled. "Ultra-Secret Hi-Tech Schematics of Classified Alien UFO Revealed!"
The UFO is constructed from kitchen utensils, and the "technical
schematics" look as if they were either drawn by a first grader or a
violently ill chimpanzee.  Scully shakes her head.

S:"Mulder, that is not a part from a flying saucer."

Mulder frowns.
M:"Oh yeah?  And just how do you know this?"

S(flipping over the frying pan):"Because I have never heard of [some
company]  making parts for alien spacecraft." She shows the frying pan to
Mulder, who peers closely at it. The inconspicuous label on the back reads
[that company again].

Mulder tosses the frying pan over his shoulder, and sighs.
M:"Listen, this is a great island and all, but I think we really need to
leave now."

S:"Why?"

M:"Well, it's been three days already and we still haven't completed our
assignment.  We haven't found any evidence that these people have made
contact with extraterrestrials. 

Three days is nothing.  It takes longer than that to do my laundry.  We
just need to wait.  I think we can stay a while longer."

M(slightly irritated):"Well, I don't.  Remember what happened last time we
were late with an assignment?"

S:"Yeah, you got in trouble.  So what?"

M(very irritated):":Look!  I don't care if these natives think  you are
some high and mighty goddess, I don't believe for one second that-"

S:"Ah! So now we here the truth!  You're just jealous of me!"

M:"Am not!"

S:"Are too!"

M:"Am not!

S:"Oh yeah? Well, I remember when you wet the bed when you were five!"

M:"Yeah? Well, I remember when you threw up in kindergarten after eating
all that paste!"

S:"Shut up!"

M:"You shut up!"

S:"You shut up!"

M:"You shut up!"

S:"Shut up or I'll make you!"

M:"Oh yeah?  You and who else? Your dolls?"

Scully breaks out crying.
S:"Well, fine! You can have your way, but - but - but I'm not speaking to
you any more!" Scully stalks off toward a building that says "Restrooms."

M:"Well, FINE!  I don't want to talk to you any more either, you crybaby!"
Mulder stalks off toward another building in the opposite direction that
Scully went
that is also labeled "Restrooms."

S:"I am not crying!  You meanie!"

Scully runs off bawling.
They both stalk off into opposite but  identical restrooms.
Several minutes later, a cannibal walks up to the restrooms, and hears
sobbing coming from the door marked "Women". He knocks respectfully.

CANNIBAL:"Hello? Is somebody in there?"

S:"I'm not crying!"

CANNIBAL(in a soothing voice):"Of course not.  I believe you."

Scully opens the door, drying her eyes with a roll of toilet paper.

S:"Good.  Now, I want you to find someone for me.  His name is Fox Mulder,
and he's a big nasty and a meanie, but he DIDN'T MAKE ME CRY, so I want you
to bring him here, and then take him away, and, and, and, and, and do
really bad things to him!"

CANNIBAL:"Of course, O Great One!  It shall be done!"

S:"Good.  Thanks."

Scully closes the door, and begins sobbing again.

Cut to scene of Mulder pouting inside the "Men's" restroom.
Mulder is sitting on the floor grumbling to himself, and the floor is
littered with torn, ripped, and crumpled pictures of Scully (though they
are rather crude), along with several scraps of paper  inscribed with
mottos such as  and "I hate Scully" and "Scully is a Big Fat Mean Crybaby"
On the mirror is a picture drawn in toothpaste of what is apparently
Scully, which was subsequently broken.

Three cannibals burst in the door, and corner Mulder

CANNIBALS:"Fox Mulder!  We have orders from the Great Goddess Scully to
take you to her, and then take you away, and to do really nasty things to
you."

M(indignantly):" 'Scully?'  I don't  know a 'Scully.'  You must have the
wrong-GAAACCKK!"

One of the cannibals grabs Mulder by the tie, and drags him out.
The cannibals bring Mulder to Scully, who is now knee-deep in wadded up
tissues and toilet paper rolls.

CANNIBALS:"We have brought him, Your Greatness!"
me any more, and that I do not want to speak to him at all." One of the
Cannibals relays the information to Mulder.

M(turning his back):"Thank you.  And will you now please tell Miz Scully
that she is a is a big ol' know-nothin' pinhead."

S(looking back out of the corner of her eyes at Mulder):"And will you
PLEASE tell Mister Mulder that he is a no-good dork and he should be locked
away forever."

M(looking back out of the corner of his eye at Scully):"And will you PLEASE
tell Miz Scully that she is just a big fat crybaby who plays with stupid
dolls."

The cannibal has lost all will to relay messages back and forth, and so he
steps back.

S(turned around and yelling at Mulder directly):"My dolls are not stupid! 
So liar, liar, pants on fire!"

M:(turned around and yelling at Scully directly):"Oh yeah? Well will you
PLEASE tell Miz Scully that she's a stupid fatty who eats like a pig and
that I hate her!"

S:"I-I-I am not!  Please tell Mister Mulder that he is just mean, mean,
mean!"

Crybaby, crybaby!"

S:"Y-You spoiled little brat!"

M:"I know you are, but what am I?"

S:"Your mother was an alien!"

M:"Was not!  Was not!  Liar, liar!"

S:"Ha!  I am rubber, you are glue, whatever you say bounces off me and
sticks to you!"

M:"Why I oughtta.."

S:"Oughtta what, mister alien-head?"

M:"I oughtta knock you out right now!"

S:"Oh yeah?  Let's see you try, you wimp!"

Mulder bears his teeth and lunges at Scully, who bops him in the nose.
A gigantic brawl ensues, with the cannibals looking on.
The cannibals are watching the fight, yelling and waving their hands.
One cannibal is walking around and taking bets.

CANNIBAL:"I've got 50 rocks that says Mulder bashes her face in!"

ANOTHERCANNIBAL:"No way!  I've got 50 rocks that says Mulder trips and
bashes his own face in!"

Above the  excited shouts of the cannibals, Mulder and Scully can be heard
yelling insults at each other while they each attempt to completely
annihilate one another.
S:"Mmph! Alien-lover!"

M:"Arrg! Doll-head!"

S:"Butt-Head!"

M:"Dog-face!"

S:"Elf-ears!"

M:"Shut up, SHORTY!"

All the cannibals gasp.
Scully's eyes go wide, and rather psychotic, and she hauls off and slugs
Mulder in the jaw, knocking him several feet across the room where he lands
hard on his bottom.
Mulder looks at Scully with eyes quickly filling with tears, rubbing his
jaw.

M:"You-You nasty girl!  That wasn't a very nice thing to do at all!  Why'd
you have to go and hit me like that?  Now look what you did!  WAAAAA!  I
want my mommy!"
Mulder begins crying on the floor, screaming for his mother.

The cannibals glare at Scully, as her expression softens from Mistress of
Ultimate Doom to a rather pitiful one. She walks over to the crying Mulder,
and kneels down, wiping his tears.

S:"Gee, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to hit you so hard.  I'm really sorry. 
Here, blow into this."

Scully holds up a handkerchief, and Mulder blows his nose very loudly into
it
Mulder looks up at Scully, sniffling.

M:"O-Okay.  I'm sorry too."

They smile, and hug each other.
The cannibals smile and sigh.
Scully helps Mulder up, and they walk out of the room.

S(as they are walking out):"You have to admit, though, it was a pretty good
punch."

M:"Was not!  It hardly even hurt!"

S:"Yes it did!  You went flying across the room, and you were crying!"

M:"Did not!"

S:"Did too!"

M:"Did not!"

S:"Did too!"

Cut to a scene of the next morning.
Mulder and Scully are standing on the top of a cliff, watching the sun rise
S:"Gee, it sure is beautiful, isn't it ,Mulder?"

M:"Yeah, it is.  It's so beautiful, you almost want to reach out and touch
it."
Mulder reaches out his hand to touch the rising sun, leaning slightly over
the cliff.
Mulder falls head first over the edge of the cliff!

S:"<sigh> Yeah, it sure is beautiful."

S:"Mulder?"

Scully looks around...
S:"Mulder?"
Scully peers down at the ocean off of the cliff side, and gasps.
S:"Oh no..."

Suddenly, there is a rustling in the branches of a tree that stands right
next to the cliff side, and Mulder appears out of the leaves, grinning
sheepishly.
From behind Scully, a group of cannibals rushes up and grabs her by the
arms.

CANNIBALS:"We've got you now!"

S(indignantly):"Hey!  Hands off!  I'm your goddess, remember?"

CANNIBALS(with wide grins):"Oh yeah?  Not anymore!"

S(a little frightened):"I-I-I'm not?  How come?"

CANNIBAL:"Because you folded up your napkin after breakfast this morning! 
A real goddess would never do that!  She would have someone else do that
for her!"

S:"Well, I'm a neat goddess.  I like to keep things tidy."

CANNIBAL:"Gods aren't tidy!  They're slovenly pigs who make a terrible mess
everyplace they go!"

S(even more indignantly):"Well!  If that's the kind of goddess you're
looking for, than count me out!  I don't want to be your goddess anymore!"

Mulder runs up and fervently slaps his hand across Scully's mouth.
M:"She didn't mean it!  She didn't mean it!  She does want to be your
goddess!  Look!"
(turning to a very surprised Scully)  Scully, don't you want to be their
goddess?"
Mulder forces Scully's head to nod up and down.

M(in a high pitched voice):"Oh, yes, Mulder, I just lo-o-o-ve being their
goddess!"
Scully shoves Mulder aside, and looks back at the cannibals

S:"No, I don't!  I'm not your goddess anymore, and I'll prove it!"
Scully bends over and picks up a piece of litter, then walks over to a
nearby refuse container, and tosses it in. She looks back at the cannibals,
in a stately and independent fashion, with her hands on her hips. The
cannibals gasp in utter horror.

CANNIBAL:"Well, then!  You can have it your way, if you like!  You and your
friend will come with us, to-"

M(frantic):"No, no!  You've got it all wrong!  I'm not her friend!  I
didn't even come here under my own free will!  Yeah!  She kidnapped me! 
Yeah!  That's it!  I was kidnapped, and dragged here!  I don't even know
her name!  I should be let free!  Yeah!  I should be sent back to the
states, and given lots of money, and maybe a nice house on the beach, no,
better, a mansion, yeah, a mansion on the beach, with three cars, no, six
cars, and lots of boats, and..."

CANNIBAL:"Are you finished yet?"

M(interrupted):"Uh, yeah.  I'm through now."

CANNIBAL:"Good.  Now, as I was saying, you will both be taken to Mount
Watdahelizzatt, and will be thrown into it's fiery pits of lava and spewing
molten lava!"

The cannibals surround Mulder and Scully, and lead them off down a trail.

M:"Good going, Scully."

S:"Shut up!  You don't know my name, remember?"

At the mountain, Mulder and Scully are standing on the edge of a steaming
volcano, looking uneasily down into the pit.

WD:"Oh, great spirit of Mount Watdahelizzat, we would really be happy if
you would kindly reduce these nasty people to cinders of charred bones and
ash, and make it really horribly painful, because we really aren't very
happy with them at all right now, and may you bless us, and send us
autographed pictures of yourself, and make us all really cute little dolls,
no no, action figures, with lots of muscles-"

S:"I don't want muscles."

WD:"Oh, fine then, no muscles, but lots of chest hair-"

S:"I don't want chest hair!"

WD:"Okay, no chest hair, just action figures with no muscles or chest hair,
and will you please set up a really good burger joint in our area, and give
us all houses on the beach, with lots of boats, and three cars-"

M:"Six."

WD:"Oh, right, six cars."

WD:"Yes!  Push them in!"

CANNIBALS:"Push 'em in!  Push 'm in!  Ooka Chaka, Ooka Chaka, Push 'em in!"

Mulder turns around, and stands in a very resolute fashion.

M:"No!  I'm not going in!"

Scully turns around also.
S:"Me neither!  I'm not going in!

WD:"Oh, yes you are!"

The witch doctor, who is facing away from the camera(but towards Mulder and
Scully), removes his paper bag.
Mulder and Scully's eyes go bug-eyed, and they scream, topple, and fall
backwards into the volcano! As the fall, Mulder clings to Scully,
screaming.

M:"WAAAAAHHH!!!!  I don't wanna die!!!!!!!"
Scully spots a piece of rock that juts out from the inside of the volcano,
and grabs on to it.

Mulder , to stop himself from falling, grabs onto her legs. The two are now
hanging several hundred feet above a fiery lava pit that is bubbling and
looks ready to erupt.

S:"Mulder!  Quick!  See if there's anything in your pants - I mean, your
pockets!"

Scully reaches up to dig into his pocket, but Mulder knocks her hand away.

M:"I'll get it."

Mulder reaches into his pocket, fishing around, but turns up nothing.

M:"Sorry, I'm all out.  How about you?"

Scully digs into her pocket, and digs out a small box with a tag attached
to it
Scully inspects it, and quickly tosses it over her shoulder.

S(mumbling to herself):"Geez, I thought I got rid of that!"

M:"Try again!"

Scully reaches into her pocket again, and pulls out a reel of film.
One end of the film dangles down to Mulder, who holds it up to the light
and inspects it.

M:"Wow, you're limber.  How'd you do that? Weren't you cold?"

Scully snatches the film away, and drops it into the lava pit below.

S:"Give me that!  And pretend you never saw that, OK?"

M:"All right. One more try."

Scully fishes out a small white container, and hands it to Mulder.

M:"Hey!  It's a bottle of VitaMeataVegamin pills!  These will do just
fine!"
He takes one, then hands one to Scully, who swallows it.

M:"Whew!  I'm glad that's solved.  (looking at label on container)  By the
way, Scully, what does 'Do not take internally' mean?"

Scully hangs onto the rock with a stricken look on her face.

As if on cue, the volcano erupts! Mulder and Scully are thrown into the
air, dazed but unharmed, far up into the air and far out over the ocean.
Gradually, they lose momentum, and there ascent slows to a near stop. With
grim looks on the faces, Mulder and Scully begin to fall back downward
again...
M&S(from off camera):"Oh no."

                                            ------- E N D  P A R T  1
-------

X-Files Disclaimer :  This parody is wholly unauthorized and unlicensed. 
This parody was made in good faith and with good intentions, and with no
purpose in mind relating to the embarrassment of anyone or anything.  We
did our best to keep this a good, clean piece of work, and edited out or
deleted all obscene or otherwise questionable remarks.

Well, okay, we did leave some to make it more interesting, but we think
that you're mature enough to just smile and move past them.  Yes, we know
we used the names from the show, but substituting "Mouldier" and "Scummy"
just didn't sound correct, and we thought that all the generous, kind, and
benevolent executives at Fox TV, good ol' Chris Carter, and our best
buddies David and Gillian (in alphabetical order) wouldn't mind at all.  We
feel that if you have our twisted sense of humor, you will find this comic
hillariously funny, and if you don't you either don't like The X-Files
(which means we don't want to speak to you at all anymore), or you are just
different and strange because all of your friends love this comic.

We ask that anyone who reads this refrains from exercising whatever ammount
of innate plageristic talent they may posess (God knows we used a lot of
it) 'cause we spent a lot of time on this and we created it so that
everyone could enjoy it.  If we creatively inspired you that's great (if
not highly unlikely), but trust us, you can come up with something a lot
better than this.  We tried to take the basic personalities of the
characters and "cartoon" them by exaggerating on their natural tendencies,
and don't you just feel all warm and cozy inside just knowing that. 

One last thing : if you noticed us kissing up in any ammount to several
nameless executives and actors before, you're right, but, um, don't spread
it around, OK? Oh, yeah, we would like to thank the following people for
their unknowing contributions to this comic (i.e., we used something that
they thought up), all mixed up in random order: Id software, the Panasonic
company, Hasbro, inc.,  Hostess, Hormel foods, International Business
Machines, M&M/Mars, Sony, all the makers of Monty Python's Flying Circus,
Whitley Strieber, (once again) the Fox television network, Mike Judge and
MTV Networks, the Public Television Network, Penn Jillette & Teller, the
late Count Leo Tolstoy, the late Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Blue Suade, The
National Enquirer, and whichever ancient Mexican civilization invented
nachos, and also we'd like to thank anybody that we might have forgotten. 
Special thanks goes to Lipton's, Wagner's and Celestial Seasonings for all
the great tea we drank while we made this thing up, and very special thanks
to Katie Reed for her continued support and product testing. Have fun!