This story is based on the characters and situations created by Cris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions and Fox Broadcasting. Used without permission and no infringement is intended. All other contents are copyrighted to the author. I blame this all on a late night pizza while watching the Psirens episode of RedDwarf only a few short hours after hearing someone (who wants to remain nameless) ask "I wonder how Skinner deals with two totally different types of reports on the same episode". In other words - this story is not my fault. So don't blame me for the resulting insanity, but please e-mail Mleaper with any and all positive' criticisms. Dueling Reports by Mleaper@aol.com 4/14/95 The stern bespectacled visage of Walter Skinner bore an incongrous smile matched by the invisible fragrance of cherry blossoms rustling fragrantly above his car, hewhistled softly along with the oldies station on his car's radio, for once enjoying the usually nerve snapping commute thru downtown D.C. Without all the normal hassles of bumper to bumper traffic, He relaxed in the rare joy of Washington's brief springtime while he drove along the tidal basin flooded by the first rays of dawn. His glimpses of the delicate cherry blossoms dropping from the trees in bloom along the side of the road and the unusually light traffic had so brightened his day that he decided to take the stairs up from the underground parking garage. He might as well get a little exercise, he was planning on skipping the gym tonight. The tranquil quiet filling the normally chaotic offices felt great as he started the first coffee pot of the day. For once, being the only person on the floor felt like getting a secret head start on the day rather than being just another fed without a life. By arriving so early, he was sure that he'd be caught up on all of the urgent action items before the day's meetings started. With any luck, he'd be able to take the weekend off and get to the Cherry Blossom festival. Sunny skies and mid-seventies the weatherman was predicting. As he precariously balanced briefcase, coffee cup and Washington Post while trying to unlock his office door, he caught a brief glimpse of an innocuous folder placed on his desk chair that abruptly turned the glorious day upside down. Just walking across the room, he felt a gathering cloud of stress filled gloom start a headache. The neatly labeled beige Agency folder perilously leaning against the back of his desk chair. Dr. Scully was almost neurotically regulation on the proper labeling of her always logical reports. Unfortunately the thick stack sticking out of the sides and the reports location could only mean that it was a Special Agent Mulder report. Only the agency's most unwanted subordinate would ever submit a report by breaking into his superior's office in the middle of the night. While Special Agent Scully would of course submit a report in the proper inbox first thing in the morning. A quick gulp of coffee failed to fortify him but did burn his mouth. "Why am I not surprised, too hot to handle" he muttered gloomily to himself. The only time they both submitted a report on the same case was when they were totally unable to agree on what happened, much less what it meant. He sighed as he opened the folder to find a 2" stack of poorly copied documents heaped untidily within a rubber band on top of a neatly clipped stack of printouts precisely stapled to the manila folder. ...Agents Mulder and Scully proceeded to Jones Mountain Lake, Virginia by agency issued automobile to liaison with local law enforcement agencies to investigate a possible serial killer, arriving at the latest murder site by 1503 on 4 April... " ... on Tuesday evening began a search of the last known locations of the missing brains victims ...Jones Mountain Lake, Virginia." Okay, so far, so good. At least they both seem to be in the same place, same time, same dimension. Not always the case when dealing with their parallel reports. " ...hair samples located upon the bodies were of an as yet undetermined origin. A metallic cylinder containing minute fragments of cranial tissue discovered adjacent the second body proved to be of an as yet unidentifiable alloy." " ...Hairy brain-sucking aliens. Huge clumps of fur-like hair covered the body and a metal straw stuck out of his ear." Whoa, no, not first thing in the morning. " ...Proceeding on information received from a local informant, Agents Scully and Mulder reached Rimmer Rock after a short delay possibly caused by sabotage to the right rear tire of agency vehicle # 134123410. Arriving immediately after the death of a male victim." " ...while its certainly possible that a short red wigged exhibitionist Marilyn Monroe look alike with a video fetish has been waiting in cryogenic suspension to fulfill my wildest sexual fantasies, I don't believe that Mel Gibson would ever...." Now what....oh, he's put his report pages out of order again. All the time he'd wasted trying to train that so called genius to submit half-way decent reports and he still couldn't get him to number the pages, much less... Forget it, lets just take this a page at a time. " ...the witch foresaw the tragedy in her crystal ball, but a flat tire caused us to arrive at Rimmer Rock while the still steaming body of the brain sucking alien's latest victim still dripped gore down his dreadlocks..." Why me, what did I ever do to deserve this. Lets just cut to the chase before my whole weekend is ruined by another "Spooky" enigma. " ...following a brief exposure to a hallucinatory substance, possibly on or near the body of the latest victim..." ... right after Marilyn started blowing these hot little breaths into my ear, I distinctly heard Agent Scully murmuring in an extremely un-Scully fashion "Oh Mel, we can't do that here, not on set. And what about your family...oh no, well if you must. Lets just try to pretend we're not in the Thunderdome. Oh...that tickles my ear" It was at this point that I realized that the alien must be telepathic and that we were both its victims." uh, oh. I can see it starting to unravel now. Forget who was fantasizing what, how do they each summarize the entire mess, and why have they included dry cleaning bills for the entire County Sherrif's Department. " ...admittedly no immediate scientific explanation presents itself. However, I'm sure that eventually a new technology will be developed for use by the general public with these currently experimental capabilities." Oh lord, if she admits that much, I can just imagine what he'll claim happened. " ...the brain sucking hairy mutants used telepathic mind control to devour their prey. Using pornographic fantasies to lure their unsuspecting victims to their doom. Finally proving that the Enquirer is sometimes right. See the attached publications containing now substantiated cases." At the sight of the nearly illegible Xerox copies of yellowing supermarket tabloids, he groped through his desk drawer. The initially pristine desk now resembled a disaster area. By the time he found the bottle of aspirin it bore a distinct likeness to a war zone. "Out again ... Mulder would probably develop a theory about a bunch of mutants are sneaking in and eating em. I wonder if I could bill the Bureau, aspirin should be considered an allowable expense for anyone having to deal with those two" he muttered darkly striding snarling angrily at passing agents down the hallway. Thoroughly ruining the day of his secretary and every employee he met, he slammed down the hall. Starting another thankless day of managing the X-Files.