I was terrible depressed when this story was written, and it
definitely reflects that mood.  It's not that bad.  There is mild
language, and a small amount of UST.  I'd probably rate it about a PG-13,
at worst. And now your favorite part and mine, THE DISCLAIMER.

     This story uses characters and situations belonging to Chris Cater,
Fox Broadcasting and 10 13 Productions. Used without permission.  All
other contents belong to ME.
     I hope you enjoy the story.  Please send all comments, questions,
complaints, death threats, etc. to me at Lizzy526@aol.com.

     Finished- Nov.23,1995 (turkey day!)

     
Don't cry for me


      Scully sat in her apartment, staring at the small Christmas tree. 
"December 23rd." she thought, shaking her head.  Tomorrow and the next day
she would spend with her family at her mother's house.  "I wonder what
Mulder's doing?" she thought.  She knew the holidays were hard for him,
especially since his father had died this year.  She had been worried
about him, but he seemed fine the last day she saw him, which was just a
few days ago.  "Should I call him?" she wondered, "No.  He's a big boy. 
He can take care of himself.  Anyway, he'd call if there was a problem,
wouldn't he?"  She thought about this for a long time, until she looked at
the clock and realized it was almost 1:30.  "You're being silly," she told
herself out loud, "Mulder's fine.  Get some sleep."

     Scully slept fitfully that night.  She woke up every hour or so. 
When she did sleep, she dreamed of Mulder.  The dreams were always the
same.  She was standing over him yelling.  When he did not answer, she
began crying and pounding on his chest, still screaming his name.  All
through this dream, there was this high-pitched, ungodly shriek in the
background.

     Scully awoke for the last time at 7:00 that morning.  She was still
shaking and crying from the dream.  She left her apartment at 8, barely
remembering to grab her phone, with her ears still ringing from that
horrible sound.


* * * * * * *


     By noon, Scully remembered why she dreaded family get-togethers.  She
had spent the last few hours fending off aunts who wanted to know when she
was getting married.  So, when her phone rang, she was overjoyed to take
the call.  "He must be physic." she thought and smiled.

     Instead of answering with her usual greeting of "Scully," she said,
"Mulder, you're a god-send."

     "Excuse me?" came the reply, from a voice decidedly *not* Mulder's,
"Is this... uh... Agent Dana Scully?"

     "Yes, who is this?" she asked suddenly suspicious of the mystery
caller.

     "This is Doctor John O'Brien.  I work at DC General.  Agent Mulder
was brought here today, and we were told to call you."

     "Omygod! Is he all right?"

     "He's alive, but I can't discuss his condition over the phone.  When
can you get here?"

     "I'm out of town, so I'll be about an hour."

     "Okay.  Please hurry." he hung up.

     Scully walked back into the dining room were everyone had just sat
down for lunch, and announced, "I'm sorry everybody, but I have to
leave.  There's been an emergency, and I'm needed back in DC.  I hope to
be back later, but if not, I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas."

     "Dana, are you sure you have to go?" her mother asked.

     "Ya, Mom, I really do.  I'm sorry."

     "Okay.  I hope everything turns out all right"

     "Me, too. Bye everybody." she yelled over her shoulder as she ran out.


* * * * * * *


     Scully arrived at DC General in record time (since she floored the
accelerator on the way).  She ran inside, and stopped at the first desk to
ask about Mulder.  A nurse directed her to his room.  She entered and knew
immediately that this was very serious.  He was unconscious, and had a
tube up his nose to help him breathe along with being hooked up to several
other machines.  She looked for his chart, and when she could not find it
she sat down beside him.  She leaned close to him and whispered, "Mulder,
what the hell did you do?  My mother's really pissed that you ruined
Christmas.  When you wake up..." she stopped here because the door opened,
and a doctor walked in.

     "If he wakes up." he corrected her, "I'm Doctor O'Brien.  You must be
Agent Scully."

     "Yes, what do you mean 'if he wakes up'?  What happened to him? 
Where's his chart?" she demanded.

     "Ms. Scully, Agent Mulder tried to commit suicide.  He was found
earlier today surrounded by several empty bottles."

     Scully collapsed into a chair, and muttered, "Omygod.  Did he leave a
note?"

     "No.. at least we couldn't find one.  If you'll excuse me, I've got a
lot of work to do.  Talk to him, he may be able to hear you."


     After the doctor left, Scully began sobbing.  She grabbed his hand
and said, "Mulder, what the hell were you thinking?!  How could you do
this?!  Why did you do this?!  Why didn't you talk to me?  Why... why...
why??"  She sat there for a long time.  Her head resting on his pillow. 
She sobbed until she had no tears left to cry.  Then she just shook. 
Every once in a while she would mumble, "Why?" or "How could you?", but
mostly she just sobbed.

     Scully was brought back to reality when her phone rang.  She tried
desperately to compose herself, but her voice still shook when she
answered, "Scully."  It was her mother.

     She asked, "Dana, what is it?  What's wrong?  Its almost 10, and you
still haven't called."

     "I know, Mom.  I kinda lost track of time." she started sobbing
uncontrollably again.

     "WHAT IS IT, DANA?" her mother asked, disturbed by her inability to
comfort her little girl.

     Scully regained control and managed at get out, "It's Mulder, Mom. 
He tried to kill himself.  The doctors don't think he'll make it."

     "O, Dana!  I'm so sorry!  Can I do anything?  Do you want me to come
there?"

     "No. Mom.  I'll be okay."

     "All right," she said reluctantly, "are you going to stay there
tonight?"

     "They won't let me."

     "Why don't you come back to my house?"

     "No.  I need to be close by in case something happens."

     "If your sure.  Please, call me tomorrow.  I love you, Dana."

     "I love you too, Mom."

     As soon as she hung up her phone, a nurse came in.  "Ms. Scully?" she
inquired quietly.

     "Yes?"

     "You have to leave.  Visiting hours are over."

     "Thank you."

     "Merry Christmas."

     "Merry Christmas."

     When the nurse left Scully said, "Merry Christmas, ya right!  My
partner... hell, my best friend is lying here in the fucking hospital
after a fucking suicide attempt, and she says, 'Merry Christmas."


* * * * * * *


      Scully had been driving for hours.  She did not want to go home, but
there was no where else to go.  Even if she did go home, she knew she would
not sleep.  She looked up and realized that she was in front of Mulder's
apartment building.  She thought for a moment, and then pulled over.

 
     When she reached his apartment, number 42, she wondered for the
thousandth time, "What the hell am I doing?  Do I think that I'll find a
note they missed?"  She went in anyway, and looked around.  He had
actually bothered to clean.  It was so odd, standing there in that empty
apartment.

     Then, it suddenly hit her.  His journal!  She had seen it lying out a
few times, but he had quickly picked it up and put it away.  He told her
once that he had kept it since Samantha was taken.  If the answers to her
questions was anywhere, they would be there.  "So where would you hide
something you wouldn't want anyone to find, Mulder?" she asked out loud,
as if the answer would fall from the sky and hit her in the head.

     "Come on you can do this." she told herself, "For God's sakes, you're
an FBI Agent!"  she surveyed the apartment again, thinking.  She began
walking around aimlessly.  First, she checked the living room.  She looked
through the small bookshelf, on the table by the window, and under the
couch.  Then, she thought, "His bedroom!  The one place he never goes
anyway."  She walked quickly into his bedroom, and after searching for a
few minutes, she found it.  It was a binder that had "Journal" written on
it in a child's handwriting.

     She carried it back into the living room, and opened it.  The first
pages were yellowing, and most had tear stains.  She started to read them,
but then thought, "These probably have no bearing on what happened.  I
should just read the most recent entries."

     She flipped to the back and read:

"Dec.15, 1995, Friday

     "Five more days till we get off work.  That's the only good thing
about this damned holiday.  I wonder what Scully's doing.  She probably is
going to her mother's.  She's so lucky, and so beautiful.  She wore the
most beautiful red suit today."

     Here she stopped reading.  She was blushing because she had no idea
he thought about her like that.  She continued:

     "Scully's so lucky, she has a family who loves her.  And what do I
have?  Nothing."


"Dec.18, 1995, Monday

     "Nothing.  I think nothing is all I deserve.  I lost Sam and I killed
my own father.  No wonder Mom is avoiding me.  She's afraid of me.  Maybe
it would be better if I were gone.  Scully could go on with her life. 
Hell, if she weren't stuck with me, she would be working her way up the
Bureau.  I want to died.  No one would care.  I'm gonna die."


     Scully was sobbing now at the thought of him sitting there plotting
his own death.  To think, he thought that he was helping her.  She
couldn't lose him.  She just couldn't.  She regained a little composure,
and read on.  The next entry was a letter to her.


"Dec. 24, 1995

"Scully,

     "I guess if you're reading this, I'm dead or dying.  Please, try to
understand what I did.  I was not trying to hurt you.  I've been
responsible for so many deaths.  So many people I've loved are dead, my
Dad, Sam (yes, Scully, she's dead.  I'm a fool to have believed so long
that she wasn't.  Sam's dead, and I'm responsible.  I killed her.  It
should have been me.).  In a way, I'm helping you.  They won't kill you or
try to, because of me.  Now you can do real work, instead of chasing after
shadows, after my little green men.

     "I love you, Scully.  More than just as my friend or my partner.  You
became one of the most important things in my life.  I know you're mad at
me.  Mad for not telling you what was going on.  Mad for doing this.  But,
please forgive me, and don't cry, my pretty Scully.  Please, don't cry for
me.  This was my choice, and if I'm dead, I'm happy.

                    All my Love,

                    Mulder."


     Scully dropped the journal, unable to control her sobs.  She couldn't
believe that he wanted to die.  She just couldn't.  She lay down on the
couch.  The place were he spent so many restless nights, and she slept.


* * * * * * *


     She woke up that morning, with light streaming through the window. 
For a moment, she did not know where she was.  She thought it all was a
bad dream.  Then she remembered, she was in Mulder's apartment.  He was in
a hospital bed, dying.  She jumped up, grabbed her keys, and left.


* * * * * * *


     Scully sat down by Mulder's side.  The doctors said there was a
chance for him.  That he was improving.  Instead of asking him "why", she
now whispered how much she needed him to come back.  She sat there for a
long time, talking and crying softly until suddenly the heart monitor
started screaming.  He had gone flat line.  She stood up and started
screaming, "No, Mulder!  You're not leaving me!"  She started CPR. 
pounding on his chest, still crying.

     A team of doctors and nurses burst into the room.  Someone pushed her
out of the way as they started CPR again.  She sat in a corner and cried
until someone picked her up and helped her into a waiting room.


* * *

     Scully had been waiting for hours.  They would not tell her anything,
but that he was in surgery.  A doctor came out and asked, "Who is Dana
Scully?"

     "Me." she answered, "Is Mulder out of surgery?"

     "Yes, he is.  The surgery was successful, and you can go into the
Recovery Room, and see him.  He should wake up any minute."

     She walked into the badly lighted room, and sat down in a chair near
his bed.  She held his hand and talked to him for a while.  He started to
wake up.  He groaned, and turned his head.  He saw Scully and mumbled,
"Scully,  I... I'm sorry..." he noticed a tear rolling down her face as
she tried valiantly to smile at him.  He wiped the tear away, and smiled
and said, "Don't cry for me, my pretty Scully.  I'm gonna be okay now."

     "I know... I know.  I found the letter, and I understand.  If you
weren't laying in a hospital bed right now, I'd probably slap you.  How
could you put me through this?  I could never lose you."

     He smiled and said, "I'm so sorry.  That's all I can say.  I thought
you would be happier without me."

     "That's just plain stupid, Mulder, and you know it."  she started
crying again, unable to control the flood of emotions that hit her.  She
was angry, relieved, and everything in between.


* * * * * * *


     A week later, Mulder is recovering at home with Scully's help.  He
will go back to work after the new year with a renewed belief in
everything that has been important to him.  And Scully has promised him
that he will never spend another Christmas alone.


The End

Nov. 25, 1995