Hey, everybody!! It's me again!! Remember me? Well...probably not, but that's okay, `cause I haven't written a story in a long, long time! This story has been running through my head for months, but I just now got off my lazy butt and put it down on paper. I reallllyyy hope you like it, because I think it's a story that shows just how serious and damaging rape can be, because all too often it is an incident that is blamed on the victim. People don't know the pain and suffering a rape victim feels, or the guilt that accompanies it. I hope this story gets that point across. So here's the disclaimer that I just live to write--! The X-Files, Scully, Mulder, and all those spiffy people are property of Fox and Chris Carter. If they were my inventions, I'd have bought myself a pony by now. So here's the people I'd like to thank for helping me out with this story-- Sarah, for just being the sweet gal you are and agreeing with everything I say . I owe you tons-- hey, without you I might not be what I am today (a grade-A FREAK!!) You know I love ya!! Thanks to Kemi, for screaming with anticipation for every new chapter, and for crying when she was supposed to cry and laughing where she was supposed to laugh. You're too good for me, and Goddess, you make me laugh. You're great. And, what the hey, thanks to Tori Amos, for inspiring me with her beautiful music. (Sarah, just be quiet.) So, without further adieu....My story!! ALL feedback is welcome, but keep in mind I might put you on my "People Who Should Die" list if you go off on me. I tried. And I'm only 14. ,8) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Deep As You Go" By Kerry Gallo (XASJ82C@Prodigy.com) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Me and a Gun" Five am, Friday morning Thursday night, far from sleep I'm still up and drivin' Can't go home, obviously So I'll just change direction `Cause they'll soon know where I live And I wanna live Got a full tank and some chips It was me and a gun and a man on my back And I sang "Holy, Holy" as he buttoned down his pants You can laugh, it's kind of funny The things you think at times like these Like I haven't seen Barbados So I must get out of this Yes I wore a slinky red thing Does that mean I should spread For you, your friends, your father, Mr. Ed? And I know what this means Me and Jesus, few years back Used to hang, then he said It's your choice babe, just remember I don't think you'll be back in three days time So you choose well Tell me what's right Is it my right to be on my stomach Of Fred's Seville? And do you know Carolina Where the biscuits are soft and sweet? These things go through your head When there's a man on your back You're pushed flat on your stomach It's not a classic Cadillac Me and a gun and a man on my back But I haven't seen Barbados So I must get out of this I haven't seen Barbados, So I must get out of this. * ************************************* J. Edgar Hoover Building September 18, 10:00 am Fox Mulder looked up from the file in his lap and felt his jaw drop. "*Scully*? What are you doing back at work?" His partner Dana Scully set her briefcase on the floor, shutting the office door behind her with a sigh. "Mulder, why *shouldn't* I be at work?" She asked innocently. Mulder felt his stomach turn into a trembling bundle of knots. "Scully, we discussed this with you and Skinner," he said hesitantly, rising. "You need more time to relax...to recover...." "Recover?" Dana asked, looking at him with wide blue eyes. "Mulder, I'm just fine." She sat down in a chair and crossed her legs. Mulder rubbed his face with his hand fearfully. "Scully, please...this isn't good for you. Work is too stressful, and after--" Scully cut him off sharply, and this time her voice had a warning edge. "Let's just drop it," she said, her eyes suddenly on fire. "I don't want to talk about it, okay? Please...let's just forget about it. I'm all right now. I'm perfectly capable of functioning at work. Please--" and this time her eyes plead with him, "Leave it alone." Mulder stared at her for a long, long time, but he knew he was beaten. Reluctantly he sat down, and began to quietly read aloud the details of the file to her. But his mind was wandering... Wandering back to that night. He could remember it so clearly, the basketball game he was watching on television, the rain pounding outside, the blackness of the night beyond his windows. When the telephone rang, he had felt intense irritation. The last thing he needed after a long day at work was to be interrupted during the Knicks game. But then he wondered if it might be Scully, and decided she was worth missing a few minutes of the game. Hauling himself off the couch, he picked the phone up and said, "Hello?" No one answered for a long moment, but he could hear someone crying softly on the line. A knot of fear lodged in his throat. "Hello? Hello? Who's there? Scully, is that you? Are you okay?" His words tumbled over each other as he spoke. "Fox...it's Margaret." Margaret...Scully's mother. Oh God. Oh, please God...Mulder shut his eyes. "I'm afraid I have some...very bad news." Mulder was unable to speak. He felt like there was a desert in his mouth, as if he'd swallowed a bowling ball. "Fox...I'm at the hospital. Oh, Fox...Dana's been raped." Mulder's entire body went slack. His mind became a whirling vertigo, and he found himself unable to hear, see, or even think. After what seemed like ages, his mouth formed the word, "No." "She- she's all right...the doctors say she's not hurt badly, but...they had to do some-- tests to see the extent of the damage, and to take some samples..." Margaret's voice broke and she began crying again. "Fox, please come. Dana needs you." Mulder was out the door before she'd even gotten the words out of her mouth and on his way to the hospital. He was going nearly 90 on the deserted streets, and all he could think about was Dana, alone and hurting. Not Dana, he'd screamed in his mind. Please, not Dana. Not the only woman he'd ever cared so much for, who stood by him for better or worse, whom he'd grown to love so deeply in the past four years. Not Dana. At the hospital, Margaret filled him in on the rest of the details while they waited for the doctors to finish examining Scully. "It happened a few hours ago. She was just going outside to get something she'd left in her car," Margaret said inbetween sobs. Mulder held her hands tightly, sitting beside her on the waiting room's couch. "A man...attacked her. She didn't have her gun. She tried to call for help, but no one was around, and he had a gun.... He dragged her into the bushes. A neighbor found her passed out and called an ambulance....Oh, Fox....My poor daughter...." Margaret was too hysterical to continue. He tried to calm her as best he could, but the truth was that he was close to hysterics himself. And what made him even angrier was the knowledge that, unless this was a serial rapist, it would be very hard to locate the man that had raped Dana. There might not even be any justice for her. The man who raped Dana. The words stabbed him right in the gut, and he felt hot tears begin to stream down his face. His strength caving in, all he could do was put his arms around Margaret and cry with her for a long time. Mulder was sick with anger and pity when he saw Dana emerge from the doctor's office. Her left eye was bruised and there was a cut on her lip. Her walk was unsteady and she winced when she stepped, but the look in her eyes showed where she'd been hurt the most. He'd stood up and walked to her, wanting only to hold her, to tell her it was okay, he wouldn't let anyone hurt her. But when he'd tried to hug her, she had only let him embrace her for a second before she gently but firmly pushed him away. It hurt him, but he didn't say anything. Margaret had taken her daughter home that night, and Mulder had wanted so badly to stay with her at her mother's house, to protect her. But the look on Dana's face was so utterly devastated, so shattered and broken, he was afraid what was left of her might fall apart if he said or did the wrong thing, and she didn't seem to want to talk to him anyway. Dana had stayed with her mother for a week, and then protested that she was able to go back home. Mulder and Margaret had tried talking to her, but she seemed to be trying to cut herself off from the incident. She refused help from a therapist, insisting that she would be all right by herself. Skinner had called her in and told her that he did not think she was in any state to work, but Scully still did not give in. She took another week off to recuperate and allow her body to heal, but that was all. A few times during the time she was away from work Mulder stopped at her house to bring her groceries and to see if she was all right. Dana accepted his favors and seemed to appreciate his concern, but she always made sure he left no later than an hour after he came by. He could understand her wanting to be alone at a time like this, but he still didn't sleep nights, just in case she might need him. But she never called. Privately, Scully filed a report and agents were put on to investigate her case, but so far nothing about the rapist had turned up. It only made Mulder more furious; he wanted so badly to break the bastard's neck that it made his teeth clench and his hands curl into fists at the thought. Now, Mulder sat silently in his chair, watching her as she slowly turned the pages of the file he'd given her, examining it closely. He knew that physically she had healed, but he knew that emotionally, she was still bleeding. Badly. His partner, his best and only friend, and the woman he cared so deeply for in a way he could never tell her. Just thinking about what he would do to the man who had hurt her made his heart pound and his blood race. But more than anything, he wanted to help her. She was so desperate to prove she could take on anything alone that she cut herself off from people entirely at times. And he knew she should not be facing this alone. Dana needed him, whether she admitted it or not. ************************************** Dana Scully's apartment September 18, 8:58 pm Dana Scully sat silently in her apartment, drinking a lukewarm cup of coffee. Her mind turned the day's events over and over in her mind, and the more she thought about her partner's behavior, the angrier she became. What was wrong with him? Why did he always insist on protecting her? Ever since her abduction he had been this way, and what had happened two weeks ago had made him even more overprotective. Sighing, she told herself that it was only because he cared that he worried about her so much, but it grated on her nerves like fingernails on a blackboard. Today, he looked up at her every two seconds as if he was waiting for her to have a breakdown. And he must have asked her at least twenty times if she was sure she was all right. They ended up getting into a huge fight, which he kept trying to back out of by saying, "Dana, I know you're upset...it's okay, I understand." Dana pushed the voice out of her head, reminding herself not to think about it. She had decided that was the best solution to the situation: pretend it didn't happen, that it didn't matter, and everything would go back to normal. Everything would go back to normal. Dana got up and put her coffee cup into the kitchen sink, then wandered into the bathroom. It was almost nine o'clock, and she should get to bed soon. She was exhausted. Quickly removing her clothes, Dana turned on the shower and stepped in. The warm water ran over her aching body, massaging away the tension the fight with Mulder had wrought. She closed her eyes and leaned against the shower wall, breathing deeply and calmly. When she was through, she stepped out of the shower and reached for a towel. Stopping with her hand halfway to it, she paused to look at her body in the mirror. Wiping away some of the steam, she looked silently at the familiar pattern of bruises that had faded to a sickly yellow. There were some cuts and scratches on her legs and abdomen that were almost healed, but they were still a frightening reminder of what had happened to her, so she quickly wrapped the towel around herself. She pulled on a T-shirt and red flannel pajama bottoms and turned down the covers on her bed. Just to be sure, she put her holstered gun on the bedstand. As she did, she gazed at the two framed pictures propped up against the bedside lamp. One was of Melissa, and the other was of her and Mulder. It was taken a week before she was raped. It was her mother's birthday, and Scully had convinced Mulder to come along to the party, since she knew her mother loved Fox dearly. The picture was one of those rare moments that she and her partner were physically expressing how much they cared for each other: they were sitting in her mother's green, grassy yard, and Mulder was holding her with her back to his chest, his arms around her waist, and his chin resting peacefully on her head. They were both smiling. Dana swallowed the lump in her throat. She could remember that moment so clearly...how she had so wanted to turn around and kiss him, and tell him how she really felt. She couldn't even remember the exact point in time she had stopped thinking of him as a friend and more as...something else, but it seemed like she had been in love with him forever. As annoying, as crazy, and as overprotective as he could be sometimes, there was just something about the tall, shy, sad-eyed man that made her want to be near him always, more than anyone else in the world. Dana shook her head sadly. Dana, he doesn't feel that way about you, she reminded herself. He may love you as a friend, but not that way. Not the way you want him to. He hadn't kissed her that afternoon; he'd pulled away from her awkwardly a few moments after he'd embraced her, pulling back into his shell. She couldn't blame him; she'd never considered herself the kind of woman guys went for anyway. And besides, he had far better things to concern himself with than *love*. And now he's probably ashamed that you'd just allow yourself to be raped, she thought with a twinge of guilt. Dana sighed and turned off the light, getting into bed. Just go to sleep, Dana, she told herself. You'll feel better in the morning. But nighttime was the worst part of the day for her. Lying in the dark, unable to see anything, it left her mind free to think about anything...and it was nearly impossible to get the rape out of her mind. If she managed to keep it out of her thoughts long enough for her to fall asleep, it invaded her dreams. She closed her eyes and tried to think of puppies, or flowers, or anything, but she couldn't forget the feel of the man, the pain, or the terrible darkness. Silent tears began to slip down her face, and all she wanted to do was to call Mulder, to tell him that she needed him so badly, that she was afraid. But her pride and her guilt wouldn't let her. Besides, it *was* her fault. She was stupid enough not to bring her gun with her, even if she was only going outside for a minute. She should have screamed, or ran, or *something*, but she'd been so afraid. The man was bigger than her, stronger, and he had a gun. The parking lot was deserted...there was no one there to help her. When it was over she had mercifully passed out from fear and pain, but unfortunately her memory had remained intact. She couldn't take it anymore; she couldn't deal with this alone. She heaved a deep breath and reached for the telephone, staring at the picture of Mulder through the darkness. But when her hand came to rest on the receiver, she began shaking. She couldn't talk to Mulder-- this was her fault, her shame, she'd gotten herself into this mess, and she needed to get through it herself. Alone. She withdrew her hand and curled into a tight little ball under the covers. And she would be just fine, she told herself. Just fine. ***************************************** Fox Mulder's apartment September 20, 6:00 pm Mulder tapped his pen against his forehead as he carefully studied the file in front of him. It was late evening and he was at home, with Scully, going over old files and doing some paperwork he'd been ignoring for several months. He looked up from the papers and glanced at her across the table. Dana was absorbed in her work; she filled out the papers at twice his speed. Mulder grinned; she always was better at concentrating on paperwork than he was. Her hair was pulled back off her face and tucked behind her ears, a few wisps curled against her cheek. One hand was propped under her chin and her eyes were lowered. With her mind off the depressing issues she was currently dealing with, she looked pretty and almost-- *almost* happy again. Mulder sighed. Dana, sensing she was being watched, looked up at her partner. "What?" She said, her voice defensive without meaning to be. Surprised, Mulder sat up a little straighter and answered, "Sorry. I was just thinking." "Oh...okay..." Dana said, her voice wary. Then she shut her eyes and shook her head. "I'm sorry," she said sadly. "I didn't mean to snap at you...I'm just a little on edge." Mulder nodded sympathetically. "I understand," he said. "Want to take a break?" Scully nodded. Mulder stood up and went into the kitchen, and filled up the teakettle with water. He placed it on the stove and turned the heat on. What she needed was a nice, calm evening, not more work, he decided. When he went back into the living room, Scully had sat down on the couch. Her eyes were closed, and her knees were drawn up protectively against her chest. Mulder sat down on the opposite end of the couch, feeling a twinge of pain in his heart. He used to be able to be close to her, physically and emotionally, but now he was afraid to. She had never specifically said that because he was a man and capable of rape that she didn't trust him, but regardless, she had closed herself up to him. He took that as a sign that she no longer felt comfortable with men. He had long suspected her sex life was never exactly *raging*, and she had told him once that men were never really interested in her (which he found hard to believe). He'd heard about women who after being raped were afraid to be in relationships with men. He knew she understood *he'd* never hurt her, but her mind had been damaged. She might fear things that had never scared her before...even him. Scully opened her eyes and watched him as he turned on the television. He handed her the remote control, so she could choose whatever she felt like watching. "Thanks," she murmured. Of course, the channel he'd left the television on was Playboy, so she knew what he'd been up to and could not resist giving him her `Scully look'. Mulder laughed happily-- finally, a sign that the Dana he knew was still in her, somewhere. "Why deprive myself?" He asked simply, shrugging. Dana rolled her eyes and switched channels slowly, going first from a music video that portrayed a dead fox disintegrating rapidly to a TLC program about fungi to the evening news. "This good?" She asked him. "Fine with me," Mulder answered. That disintegrating fox had freaked him out a bit. He couldn't really focus on the news, but instead watched Dana out of the corner of his eye. She didn't seem to be paying attention either. She was staring into his glowing fish tank, watching the one remaining fish swim in lazy circles. She looked a little better, which was comforting. But still, he wanted so badly to hold her his arms ached. Hell, he'd wanted to hold her for the past four years...no, he'd wanted to do a lot more than just hold her. Mulder shook that thought away; Scully always spoke her mind, and if she had feelings for him she would've said so. He was only dimly aware of what the anchorman was saying, but the word `rape' caught his attention. Turning back to the TV, he felt his heart speed up as he watched the report. "The FBI says that it has found no new leads in the rape of a female special agent, and advises that everyone in the neighborhood to be on guard for any suspicious activity. Police also advise..." The anchorman kept talking, but Mulder was too numb to listen. He looked over at Scully quickly, and saw that she was frozen stock-still, her eyes wide. When the report ended and a commercial came on, he carefully took the remote out of her trembling hand, where she'd been clutching it tightly. She did not look at him, only kept staring straight ahead. "Scully...look at me," He whispered, taking her hand in his. She slowly, reluctantly turned to him, her eyes so wide he could see the whites all around the blue iris. "You can talk to me," he said, his hand reaching out to caress her cheek. For a moment, Dana accepted the touch, even leaned into it, but then the walls went up again and she pulled away. "Mulder-- I'm okay. I really am, I just need..." She swallowed a sob. "I just need some time...." "Scully, I know you need time. I know you need to heal. But shutting yourself off from everyone isn't helping you any. Why do you avoid discussing the situation with me when you know I want to help you?" His eyes showed the hurt he felt. "Don't you still trust me?" Scully's eyes became indignant. "I just don't feel like talking to you about it!" She sighed heavily. "Of course I trust you. But no one understands what I'm dealing with but *me*!" She stood up, yanking her hand away from him. "Scully, I'm *trying* to understand!" He protested, looking up at her. She was standing a few feet away from him-- at a safe distance, he thought bitterly-- her hands pressed against her chest. Her eyes were filled with tears she was trying to hold back. "Scully..." he began again in a softer tone as he stood up. "I care about you so much. I don't like to see you hurting this way. I know you think being raped is something you could have avoided, I know you're feeling guilty," He took a small step towards her, and this time she did not try to back away. "But you have to understand it is in no way your fault. No one is blaming you. I just want to help," He took another step towards her. "Let me help you. Please...." Scully had not moved or spoken. He closed the distance between them, and slowly and gently put his arms around her. For a blessed few seconds he wished could have lasted forever, she let him hold her. She leaned her head against his chest and threw her arms around him, burying her face in his shoulder. It seemed like she was trying to draw strength from him, as though she needed him to survive. But then, in a heartbeat, she was gone. Mulder stared at her, confused, as she pulled away from him quickly. "I'm sorry, Mulder," she whispered, her voice choked. "I can't." His mouth opened, but no sound came out. It felt like she'd torn the heart from his body. "I just can't, Mulder," She said again. "I'm not ready," She grabbed her coat off the back of a chair and left, practically running. Dimly, through a haze of grief and guilt, he heard the door open and close. He went to the window and peeked between the shades, peering through the dark to see her. Dana was running to her car, and he did not leave the window until he could no longer see her car as it drove away. The tea kettle began to whistle, but he ignored it. He could only stand at the window and cry for a long, long time. *************************************** The Potomac River September 21, 1:00 am That night, as Dana wandered aimlessly in the city, all she could think about was Mulder: how much she'd hurt him, how much she wanted to be with him, and tell him how she felt. To be in his arms, pouring out her soul, all her pain and hurt and anger. To know he understood. And beneath it all, her painful memories of being raped still sent little jabs of pain and regret into her heart. She had driven for miles before reaching the Potomac river. She got out of her car, looking around suspiciously, making sure her gun was in it's holster, and sat down on their old bench. She stared at the moving river. In a way, she thought, the river was like her life. Going smoothly one moment, knowing it's course down to the tiniest curve, and the next minute it was roiling along, splashing up against the banks, overflowing from a storm. Dana had closed her eyes. I need him so much, she thought, feeling tears sting her eyelids. Now more than ever, I need him. A voice asked. Dana opened her eyes. Fear. Fear of rejection, fear of letting him know how much she really needed him. The fear of seeing anger or disgust in his eyes to see how truly pathetic she was. And so many other emotions, she couldn't even begin to understand. Dana swallowed hard. Yes. He had come to her, no matter how strange his problems might sound to her. He had confided his deepest secrets in her, and even if she did not share his beliefs, she had been there for him, had comforted him when no one else would. The voice continued. Dana felt her heartbeat quicken. He would, she thought, he would understand. How could I be so stupid to think he wouldn't? How could I think he'd push me away, or be ashamed of me? Dana stood up resolutely, hurrying back to her car. I need him, she thought. I won't pretend any longer. I need him. ************************************************ Fox Mulder's apartment 2:00 am Mulder had a hard time getting to sleep that night. He was so worried about Dana he couldn't get the incident of that evening out of his mind. Finally he hauled himself off the couch and into the shower. His head ached like someone had been beating on it with a hammer, and he was so worried his stomach was doing flips. He dried himself off with a towel and took three aspirin for his headache, but he doubted they'd help him any. Once in his bedroom, he dressed and stared silently at the telephone. He wanted to call Scully and ask if she was okay, but he didn't want to intrude on her privacy. If she didn't want his help, it was her choice. Mulder sighed, exercising incredible restraint by not calling. He laid down on the couch and tried to fall asleep, but was plagued by thoughts of Dana. Two hours and twelve pornos later, he was asleep. And this time, his sleep was not filled with nightmares, but with Dana. They were together beside a fireplace, and she was smiling at him tenderly. Her hair was even redder by light of the fire, and her eyes were dark and seductive in the dimness. He leaned in to kiss her, and the kiss was returned with equal passion and fervor. He allowed his hands to wander over her body, relishing the closeness of their skin. And then-- He was awakened by a soft knock on the door. His mind fuzzy from sleep and his dreams, he had some difficulty standing up straight and walking across the living room to answer it. He fumbled for the knob and opened the door a crack. "*Scully*?" He gasped. She was standing forlornly on his doorstep, looking up at him with wide, tear-filled blue eyes. He opened the door all the way and let her inside. She walked in slowly, her arms wrapped around herself. "Where did you go?" He asked, putting his arm around her and guiding her to the couch, turning on the lamp. "To the river," She said quietly. "I sat on the bench where we used to meet for a while. I've done a lot of thinking," Mulder could see tear streaks on her face as she looked up at him. "I didn't mean to disturb you...." She added. Mulder shook his head and brushed her hair out of her eyes. "I don't mind," he said softly. They gazed at each other for a long moment until Mulder said, "Do you want to take a shower? It might make you feel better." Dana nodded slowly. "I'll even draw *your* bath this time," he said. Dana smiled at him a little, and he stood up and went into the bathroom. He filled the bathtub with warm water, then took out some clothes for her to wear. Then he left her alone, going back to the couch. Mulder collapsed on the couch buried his face in his hands, silently thanking God that she had come back to him. Maybe Dana was finally ready to talk about her rape. Maybe she would be herself again, the woman he'd fallen in love with.... But he knew she'd need his help. After a while, he heard the soft splashes coming from the bathroom stop, and the bathroom door opened. Scully came out with a little smile on her face. At first he was puzzled, but then he understood. The white T-shirt and gray sweatpants he'd given her were way too big, and it looked like she was five years old. "Kinda big for me," She said. "You're making me feel like some nine-foot freak," Mulder said with a grin. But she did seem more relaxed as she sat down beside him. They were silent for a few minutes, but then Scully spoke. "Mulder...." She began quietly. "I...I owe you an apology." "No, you don't..." Mulder interrupted. "Yes, I do," She answered earnestly. "I've been shutting you out, treating you like crap. I'm so sorry.... I just don't know how to deal with this, and I've always tried to get through things myself...without anyone's help. And...I was afraid you thought it was my fault for getting raped." She looked down, ashamed. "Dana, that's not your fault. I never thought that for a second. You've gone through something terrible, and no one expects you to try and get through it alone. That's what I've been trying to tell you," He explained gently. His arm wound around her waist, while the other hand came to rest against her face, cupping her cheek. "All you have to do is ask, and I'll be there." For a long moment, Dana sat still, silent. Her eyes were focused on some unknown point in the floor, and he could see the slew of emotions she was dealing with inside. Then she whispered, "Will you help me, Mulder?" Mulder tipped her chin up so that she was looking into his eyes. "Of course I'll help you," he whispered, and kissed her. For a moment, she did not respond, and he wondered if he'd made a huge mistake. But then she kissed him back, gently and tenderly, returning the love and affection he showed her. He could feel her tears on his face, and was surprised to discover he was crying, too. He pulled away from her, kissing her cheek and forehead as she leaned into the embrace weakly. She rested on his shoulder, supported by his frame as though she had no strength left. Mulder stood up and gently led her into his bedroom, turning down the quilt. She lay down and rested her head on the pillows as he gently covered her with the blankets. Her eyes watched him silently, more peaceful than he had ever seen them before. "Don't go," she whispered as she saw him turn around. Mulder turned back, and felt the tears well up again. He laid down beside her, taking her into his arms. She rested against his chest, her arms wrapped around him as though she was trying to hold on to him, for fear he might leave her. He hid his face in her hair, the tears slipping silently down his face. Dana fell asleep quickly, worn out by her emotions. As he held her, Mulder reiterated prayers of thanks in his mind. All his fears were gone, and replaced with something he hadn't felt in a long time...hope. He had her trust again, and he knew that she was going to be all right, with his help. Just before he drifted off to sleep, he whispered to her, "I promise, as long as I live, I will never let anyone hurt you again." And it was a promise he intended to keep, even if it meant sacrificing himself for the woman he loved. ******************************************** J. Edgar Hoover Building September 30, 12:45 pm Mulder looked up when he heard the door of his office slam. Scully walked in looking absolutely furious. "Scully? Are you okay?" He asked, moving from behind the file cabinet to stand beside her. Scully nodded slowly, massaging her temples with her fingertips. "Skinner had bad news?" Mulder asked hesitantly. "Mm-hmm," She murmured. She took a deep breath and looked up at him. "He says that despite all his efforts, they haven't found any leads, suspects or clues in my case. It's not looking too good." Mulder nodded sadly. "It's okay, something has to turn up sooner or later. And if nothing does..." He paused. "If nothing does turn up, we've always got alternative sources." "That might help," she admitted. "But I know how hard it is to find the rapist in a case like this. It was too dark to even see his face, so there's no composite drawing. He must not have ever committed a major crime before, because his prints aren't on record... it's practically hopeless," she sighed. "Hey, don't say that -- nothing's hopeless," Mulder gave her a little hug. "The Lone Gunmen are on the case, you know," He winked at her. "They took time off investigating an Elvis sighting in the Andes just to help you out." Dana had to smile. "Frohicke miss me?" She asked. "Yup...I told him you might not mind company now, since you're doing better." "That sad, sorry little man," She muttered. Mulder chuckled. "You feel better now?" he asked, chucking her chin. Dana mused that for a moment, then said, "Yes, I'm okay. But I'm still angry. I'm still hurt. I still want justice. I'm still out for blood. But I'm okay." They hugged. **************************************** Dana Scully's apartment October 3, 9:00 pm "Mulder, that was a pile of crap!" Mulder looked up at Scully, sticking his lip out and giving her his best "little-boy-who's-mommy-spanked-him" look. "That pile of crap was my favorite movie!" He protested. "It's a science fiction classic!" They were lying on Scully's bed watching the ending credits of "Plan 9 From Outer Space" on the TV, Dana laughing hysterically and Mulder taking the movie very seriously. He lay on his stomach eagerly facing the TV, his socked feet sticking up in the air. "You've *got* to be kidding me," Scully laughed. "You could see the strings that held the pie-plate UFO in the air!" "Shoddy special effects don't mean that the plot isn't genius," Mulder countered. "Ed Wood was a man ahead of his time." "Sure, Mulder. And I'm Pamela Anderson," Scully rolled her eyes, stretching out sideways on the bed and laying her head on his back. "Well, I'd rather have you rescue me from drowning any day, as long as you're wearing a white T-shirt," he said, grinning at her. She rolled her eyes again and tried to look superior, but he could see her blushing and trying to stifle a laugh. "Ha ha, madeja blush," he taunted. Scully sat up and put a pillow over his head, but she could still hear his muffled laughs. By then she was laughing too hard to even sit up, so she fell backwards and let one leg dangle off the bed. Mulder amused himself by making strange little giggling noises as he pulled the pillow off his head and rolled over. He watched her where she lay on the bed, her eyes closed and a smile on her face. They'd spent the evening together, first getting something to eat at a fast food place (Mulder had insisted on buying a children's meal for the plastic alien toy that came with it), then crashing at her place for some coffee and to watch some TV. It was fun; despite Scully's complaints that the movie had sucked, he knew she'd enjoyed spending time together. It kept her in a good mood and made her feel less depressed. For the past few weeks, they'd been together nearly 24-7. It was good for both of them, Scully knew. They never did have much time to be together outside of work, and it had been healing time, a time for them to bond and talk to each other about issues they'd been previously dealing with alone. Silently, Mulder took his alien toy and made it walk up and down Scully's arm, then sat it down on her tummy. Dana opened her eyes and looked at him. "Mulder, you're nuts," She chuckled. "What about them? Leave them alone." "*MULDER*!!" Scully sat up but promptly fell over again, laughing until tears ran down her cheeks. "You...are...nuts...!" She choked out between laughs. The alien flew off her stomach as she fell. "Hey, my alien fell on the floor!" He cried, as though it meant so much to him. He leaned over her middle to pick it up off the floor, holding it protectively in his hand. Then he realized that he was practically on top of her, in a bed, and quickly sat up. "Sorry," He muttered, staring down at the alien in his hand. After a moment, she answered, "That's okay," but her voice sounded strange. Oh, God, you scared her, he thought to himself. You got a little too close without permission... you should've known better. He looked up at her hesitantly, feeling guilty. But she didn't look afraid...in fact, she had sat up and moved a little closer to him. "I don't mind," she said softly. "You're sure? Because, I wasn't, like, trying to--" "Mulder, I don't mind. It's okay," She smiled reassuringly at him. Her hand went out to rest over his. For a moment, he found himself caught in her eyes, the same way he'd been trapped so many times before. But he tore his eyes away. If he kept looking at her like that, there was no way he'd be able to keep away from her for long. That one kiss the night she'd come to him, over a week ago, still burned on his lips and to his very core. He wanted her so badly, wanted to tell her how he felt so much, that it was a physical pain as he pulled away from her. He got off the bed and looked at her, carefully avoiding her eyes. "I...I should really get going now," he said, almost too quietly for her to hear. She looked surprised and a little hurt. "Why? Mulder, you don't have to go," she protested. "I know, but...I really should," He avoided her gaze. Scully thought for a moment. "Well...all right," She said softly. "If you really want to." "But at least take some of the pictures from my mother's birthday," She added. "She's been so busy she didn't have time to get copies for you, but she got them the other day." Dana got off the bed and opened a drawer in the nightstand, taking out a small red and white envelope. "Look at them," She pushed. Mulder stiffly took the pictures from her hand and went through them one by one. Scully stood behind him, gazing silently at the photos of her, her family, and Mulder. When he came to the picture of him holding her, she heard his breath catch. Swallowing, she said, "I like this one the best." After a long moment, he breathed, "Me too." His voice was reverent as his fingertips brushed over her face in the photo. Scully closed her eyes. God, how many times had she touched his picture that way, wishing he was with her those many lonely nights? Hundreds, thousands of times. Mulder swallowed, looking at the picture and avoiding looking at Scully beside him. "You know, I-- I really wanted to kiss you that day...when I was holding you," She could see his hand trembling a little. Dana drew a deep breath, her heart in her throat. "Why didn't you?" She asked softly, feeling like she was about to dive off a cliff. "I was afraid to," He said, turning to her and looking directly into her eyes. "What if you didn't want me to? I'd be screwed. Bye-bye, friendship." "But--but I *wanted* you to kiss me," She protested, her eyes wide, her heart going a mile a minute. Mulder looked like he'd been hit by a ton of bricks. "You did?" he stammered. Dana nodded. Mulder had never even considered that. The one time he'd kissed her was done merely to comfort her, not as a romantic gesture. He knew it had affected her differently than it had affected him. And now, he was afraid to even get close to her for fear of upsetting her. He assumed the last thing she wanted was a sexual relationship, or even a *romantic* relationship. It might bring back painful memories, and he was afraid she wasn't strong enough to handle them. "Mulder?" He heard her voice from far away. "Mulder, you know, I-- wouldn't mind if you kissed me now, either," Scully said very, very quietly, almost in a whisper. His words had given her confidence that he had the same feelings for her that she had for him, and she was damned if she wasn't going to try. For a moment, Mulder did nothing. But the look in her eyes was all he needed- they told him all he'd ever wanted to know. All his feelings for her he'd kept bottled up inside. He was so afraid that if he even gave her a hint of how he really felt, he'd lose her forever. But when he looked into her eyes, he saw all the love- and all the fear- he felt mirrored there. He took her into his arms and kissed her. All the passion, all the love, all the emotions he'd felt for her in the past four years he'd known her poured out of him in that kiss. His hands ran through her hair, past thinking or reasoning, knowing nothing but her. Dana returned the kiss with equal passion and desire, melting into his embrace, forgetting about everything in the world but him. His mouth pulled away from hers and proceeded down her throat, setting fire to the skin there as his hands did things to her she'd only dreamed about in her wildest fantasies. Seconds later, he moved away from her, his hands holding her face. Breathing deeply, he managed to get out, "Dana, if you want me to stop, please...please tell me now." She stared at him for a long moment, silent. Then she whispered, "I don't want you to stop." His heart stopped beating entirely. She doesn't want me to stop?, his brain reiterated. She doesn't want me to stop. Mulder put his arms around her and just held her against him for a long time. He could feel her tears against his neck, and he gently caressed her hair. "I love you so much, Dana," He whispered over and over. "I love you, too," she whispered back, her voice shaking with emotion. "I promise, I swear on my life, no one will ever hurt you again. I'll never hurt you..." It seemed like the world was spinning in circles, and he and Dana were in the center. "You're the only person I trust...the only person who'd never hurt me...." Her voice trailed off as his lips met hers again, and this time the embrace was long and passionate. Making love that night only cemented their relationship, and set their love in stone. Mulder knew it was the final step in Dana's healing process, and that the long painful journey to recovery was over. He knew she would always carry the physical and emotional scars, but her pain was gone. As she lay in his arms afterwards, sleeping peacefully, Mulder was reminded of a song he'd heard a long time ago. His memory brought the words back, and for the first time, he could see how they so suited him and Dana. Deep as you go I'll follow Deep as the water goes All the world is hollow and dry But you and I go down You and I go down Far as you want to take me Far as your eyes can see Leave the world alone in the sky You and I go free You and I are free Don't save me Don't lose me Don't wake me now You let me You release me Let me drown Take me down Promise to take me with you Promise to let me go All the world is waiting to see As you and I go down You and I are free I want to be completed I want to disappear I want to be uncovered Take me down Let me drown Somehow I need to love you More than I need to breathe I can feel you leaving the ground I will follow you down You and I will drown. Mulder had been so afraid of waking up, and losing Dana forever. He had been so afraid when she'd turned away from him that he would never have her trust, her love again. But now he knew that she needed him as much as he needed her. She was independent; she could not be rescued without trying her best to get out of it alone. But she was afraid of being lost, alone without him. She was strong, but she was weak without his strength to help her. They were alike in that sense, that without the other, they were incomplete. He held Dana tightly, the song running through his head. His last thought as he drifted into sleep was that he had never felt so at peace in his entire life. The End ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *Written by Tori Amos "Deep As You Go", written by October Project, property of Epic Records.