NOTE: The following work is for the distribution and 
entertainment of EMXC members only. Any further 
distribution of this work without the my consent is in 
violation of international copyright law. I previously 
published this story on the X-Files-Fanfic list, but since 
then, the story has undergone a major revision. 
RATING: R (for graphic "potty talk") 
CATEGORY: S, C 
SPOILER: None 
SUMMARY: Mulder and Scully try to find a means of 
disposing of the body of the CSM. 
TITLE: The Day the Cigarette Smoking Man Died (1/1)
AUTHOR: Paula Kinch 
E-MAIL: alkinch@interlog.com (Please send feedback, or 
at least let me know that you read the story) 
DISCLAIMER: The X-Files and its characters belong to 
Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions and Fox 
Broadcasting and are used without permission. No 
copyright infringement is intended and no profit is being 
made from their use. 

*****************************************


The Day the Cigarette Smoking Man Died 
By: Paula Kinch 
(Date Revised: October 5, 1997)

It started off like any typical day for the Cigarette Smoking 
Man.

He woke up, smoked a few cigarettes, and sat down in front 
of his breakfast. As usual, it was a large bowl full of 
prunes, to help him with the little problem that he had been 
experiencing for the past several years. It had been almost a 
week since he made the long visit to the can, and quite a 
long week at that. After polishing off every last morsel of 
food, he smoked a little more, and went off to work. An 
early riser, he always made sure he arrived at work early. 
The Cigarette Smoking Man never missed an opportunity 
to screw someone over, even if he was very uncomfortable.

At approximately 7 am that morning, the Cigarette 
Smoking Man was delighted to feel a slight bloating, and 
picked up a newspaper to read while on the throne. As he 
made his way to the Men's Room, he had a quick, and final, 
smoke. While was leafing through the science page, he 
noted an article about some American scientists who had 
managed to clone an adult monkey. The article was touting 
this achievement as one of the greatest scientific 
breakthroughs this century. Why, it was only a step away 
from cloning human beings! For the first time in ages, a 
genuine, unmalicious smile appeared on his lips, a minute 
before he began to laugh. He laughed harder than he ever 
had in his life, and was soon gasping for breath. 
Unfortunately for the Cancer Man, all those years of 
smoking had left his respiratory system in quite a sorry 
state. He tried desperately to stop laughing, but the humor 
of the situation prevented him from doing so, and he soon 
collapsed on the men's room floor. All he left behind was 
the evil stench of his final success.

At 9:30 am, Fox Mulder was heading to his office to begin 
the boring task of typing up field reports. But before he 
reached the room in the basement, he felt the sensation that 
he had consumed too much coffee, and decided to stop off 
at the john before meeting his partner Dana Scully. Mulder 
had a nagging cold, so he was unable to smell the reeking 
horror in the first stall. After emptying his bladder, he 
turned to leave, remembering at the last minute that he 
should wash his hands. While reching for a paper towel, he 
spotted a hand sticking out from under one of the stall 
doors. Not one to follow an investigation by the book, he 
grabbed the hand and dragged the body out of the stall, 
under the door. Closer examination revealed that this was 
the Cigarette Smoking Man, or at least his body, for the 
figure was quite dead. Picking up his cellular phone, 
Mulder punched in the one number he had on speed dial. 

"Scully," the voice on the other end answered.

"Scully, it's me."

"Mulder! Where are you? You were supposed to be here at 
nine," she said, sounding more than a little irritated. "I was 
starting to think that you ditched me again."

"Scully, I need you to come to the men's room right away."

"The men's room?" Scully echoed laughingly. Wild 
thoughts began to circulate through her head, but were 
extinguished by Mulder's reply. 

"It's the Cigarette Man, he's dead." And with that, Mulder 
disconnected the line and waited for his partner to arrive.

Scully soon burst through the door without regard for the 
other men who could have been in the room. Scully 
became a little spooked when she realized that she knew 
exactly which bathroom Mulder was referring to, even 
though he did not give her an exact location. Two seconds 
of inhailing the sickening vapours was enough for Scully. 
She barely made it to the first clean stall before she began 
to vomit. Mulder went over to Scully and held her hair 
back as three doughnuts and two coffees made a repeat 
performance. Scully could not stop vomitng until she 
returned to the fresh air outside the confining room. Mulder 
followed Scully out.

"Mulder!" Scully almost sreamed at him. "How could you 
do this to me?! And how could you stand this stench 
yourself?!" With that, she leaned over again, and a pool of 
bile appeared on Mulder's new shoes.

Mulder kicked off as much of the mess as possible onto the 
floor, and sniffled in response. "I have a cold Scully, can't 
smell or taste anything." He turned and went back into the 
room to wash off his shoes and get a cold cloth for Scully. 
He needed to find some way for her to get into that room to 
examine the Cigarette Smoking Man, and help find some 
way to get the body to the morgue without making 
everyone else in the building sick.

Mulder returned a few minutes later with two cloths. One 
to put on Scully's forehead to help to calm her down, and 
the other was to be used as a mask to help filter out the 
odor. Scully agreed to help Mulder, but begged for a few 
minutes so that she could regain a little of the strengh she 
lost along with her breakfast.

Scully entered into the bathroom for the second time that 
morning, with the cloth held tightly to her mouth and nose. 
She also held her breath as long as she could, just in case 
Mulder's idea of the wet cloth was faulty. She leaned over 
the corpse to confirm his demise and then looked back up 
at Mulder. The two smiled weakly at each other before 
exchanging a high five. Mulder and Scully were the first 
people with the news that the most evil man in the country 
was dead. In an attempt to get themselves away from some 
of the stench that was in the toilet bowl, they took the 
Cigarette Smoking Man by his heels, around which his 
pants were still bunched, and dragged him out the door. 
The two paraded the corpse through the building, allowing 
those along the route to view the spectacle. They were met 
with both standing ovations and immense gagging. It was 
quite a sight to behold. 

After leaving the building, they shoved the body into 
Mulder's trunk, and went looking for a hospital that would 
take him. The two agents drove for hours looking for such 
a hospital, but were entirely unsuccessful. It seemed that 
people either recongized the man and refused to take him 
on the grounds of his reputation, or were merely repulsed 
by the stench and unwilling to take the corpse off Mulder 
and Scully's hands. The said it was unbelievable that such a 
smell could come from a human being, and that they would 
like to use the body for research purposes, but did not wish 
to make any of the scientists deathly ill. Mulder and Scully 
gave up the search for a hospital, and decided to dump the 
body somewhere. They believed that nobody in the FBI 
would care that such a creature was gone, and would not 
persecute the two agents.

The began to search for several more hours for the right 
undignified place to dump the corpse. They ended up in an 
abandoned lot in the middle of nowhere. Mulder opened 
the trunk and lifted the body out, heaving it several feet 
away from his car so that Scully would not get sick again. 
Mulder and Scully sat down in the shade of a tree while 
some crows descended and picked out the eyes of the 
Cigarette Smoking Man. A whole flock soon gathered to 
devour the body, while Mulder and Scully sat enthralled. 
But when the bones were picked clean, the birds didn't fly 
away, for they were all dead.  Hours, or maybe just minutes 
later, when the lot fell silent again, rather than 
contemplating about the death of the birds, Mulder and 
Scully returned  to the car. They drove off toward a new 
life, leaving behind the heap of  bones, dead birds, and the 
sprit who could have ruined their lives. They had  won.

THE END