Do not send to Gossamer, anywhere else okay if you keep my name on it. Close- chapter one by Jilly Bell Category: SRA Keywords: angst, MSR Spoilers: the movie Timeline: after the movie Rating: R for language and violence Summary: Everyone has to fight their own demons. This is hopefully the beginning of a series, as evidenced by the fact that I labeled it chapter one. (Hmm... I wonder.) Feedback will be cherished forever and read repeatedly to my cat, so send all your comments (good or bad), flames (I get a lot of spam I wouldn't mind sending to you), death threats, declarations of love, odd musings, etc. to jilly_X@hotmail.com. This is dedicated to my fellow "philes from hell": Dorie, Cierra, Kyra, Tyler, Rochelle (thanX for putting up with us!), and Desiree (thanX for introducing us to your sister, she's smarter than you think. ) Although none of you will probably read this, (come on guys, is it really *that* bad?), I love you all and I miss you all terribly, even with your sometimes horrible tastes in fanfic. :-) Also, a thank you >from all of us to anyone who's printer we tied up in order to print out smut. :-) I still do not own these characters. You all know who does. "Here's a token of my openness Of my need to not disappear How I'm feeling, so revealing to me I found my mind too clear I just need someone to be there for me I just want someone to be there for me" - Pearl Jam, "No Way" It all seems too unreal to believe, like some kind of daydream, but this time it's real. Real flesh, real emotions, and a real heart that I'm about to break. I don't want to, mind you, but I have to. It's the only way. A little over an hour ago, we were hand in hand, kissing in the park in full view of God and everyone. It was our first kiss, and it was perfect just like I knew it would be. I never wanted it to end. Now we're in a little coffee shop a few blocks away, holding hands across the table, and I'm wondering why I'm doing this if I love him so much. A tiny piece of me feels a bit guilty, but I know that if I don't stop things now it will just go further, and I wouldn't be able to live with myself for letting him down like that. I take a deep breath and plow ahead. "Mulder," I begin, "where is this all going? Where are we going to end up?" He studies me seriously for a moment. "Don't think about it, Scully. Don't analyze it. Take it as it comes, and if it feels right, go with it." "What if..." I can't believe what I'm about to say. "What if this doesn't feel right?" His expression changes from concerned to disbelieving and a bit angry, and he slaps his palm down on the table quietly. "I thought you wanted this," he says in a low voice. Oh Mulder, if only you knew how much I do. "I- I did. I still do." "Well then what the hell *is* this, Scully? Some kind of game?" As much as I hate doing this to him, I can't help but feel a bit pleased that I'm being honest. He told me he wanted me to tell him everything, and I'm doing just that. Instead of getting angry, he should thank me. "No, Mulder, it's not. What I'm trying to say is-" I soften my tone a little as so to make this easier, "is that I want this more than anything. I would give up everything to be with you, and you know that." He nods. "But right now what I want and what I need are two seperate things. I can't want this, Mulder, I just can't." "You can't want this? Or are you afraid of wanting it? There's a difference." I bite my lip. "I'm not afraid. I trust you with my life, and I can't believe you would even think of something like that." He shakes his head. "I never said you were afraid of me. I think you're afraid of yourself. For whatever the reason, the idea of giving yourself to someone terrifies you. Maybe you see it as some kind of weakness, or maybe you think it makes you less of a person. Whatever it is, this fear of yours is controlling you, and I can't compete with it until you can get past it.