Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully do not belong to me.  The belong to CC and
Fox.
MSR, Character death

                     Cheated Again


        With a gasp and a push I finally break through the top of the
water.  My lungs burn, my vision has a black fuzziness around the
corners.
	Damn it.
	Cheated again.
	
	I begin to puke up the small quantity of water that I swallowed, my
body desperately trying to hold on to life.
	My joke of a life.
	Stupid survival instincts.
	Cheated again.
	
	I inhale a huge amount of air, and I vaguely hope that I have damaged
my lungs.
	A slow death is better than no death.
	But I still feel fine.
	Damn it.
	Cheated again.

	I thought the water was deeper here.  I really wanted my body to sink
deep, deep, deeper, so that no one would ever find it.
	I forgot that I had never actually been in this lake.
	I had only seen it from the shore.
	It is a lot more shallow than it looks.
	Damn it.
	Cheated again.

	The lake looks so deep here, and peaceful.
	I just want to have some peace, just once in my life.
	Just this one time.
	The lake looked like a good spot, I wanted my body to borrow the
peacefulness.
	Just for a little bit.
	Just long enough to die.
	Damn it.
	Cheated again.

	Then when things can't get anymore frustrating, she shows up.
	Again.
	Which wouldn't be too bad.
	Except she's fucking dead.
	Damn it.
	Cheated again.

	"Kinda late to be swimming, isn't it Mulder?" she asks in a soft voice.
	"You know there is no lifeguard here.  You could really get hurt out
here by yourself.  It's not like you have your own personal physician
anymore."
	Like I could forget.
	"Yeah Scully, but it was beautiful tonight I just couldn't resist."
	And I miss you so much.
	And I just wanted it to stop.
	" I guess I didn't know how deep it really was."
	Otherwise I wouldn't be talking to you now.
	I would be dead, and with you.
	And we definitely wouldn't be talking.
	Damn it.
	Cheated again.

	"Mulder," she sighed and stretched out her hand to me.
	Even though I could never touch her.
	I never will get to touch her.
	I am suddenly dizzy.
	And the water looks so peaceful.
	I just want to be at peace.
	Just for a little while.
	Just long enough to die.
	Cheated again.

	"Mulder, if we quit they win."
	They already won.
	"Scully, can't you just let me swim in peace?"
	"Sure I would Mulder, but you aren't swimming."
	I never could fool my Scully.
	Even though I really want to now.
	Just for a little while.
	Just enough to get some peace.
	" I miss you."
	" I miss you too, but Mulder you aren't done yet."
	I have had enough.
	I am done.
	And now I just want it to end.
	But not while she is here.
	Damn it.
	Cheated again.

	"Just leave me alone.  Just stop coming back to torture me.  I need to
make this stop.  I...I can't take this anymore.  I can't sleep, cause
then I see you.  I can't go to work, cause you are there.  I can't do
anything, not even this, because look, here you are."
	"Oh, Mulder."
	"Don't reach out to me Scully, I can't touch you."
	Cheated again.

	"You know Mulder, some day this self-destructiveness is going to catch
up with you and I am not going to be here to bail you out."
	When?
	I can't wait.
	"Why don't you come up here on the shore with me and we can sit for a
little while?"
	And if I don't?
	"Mulder, don't make me slap you."
	"Promises, promises Scully."
	I don't know why I get out of the water and sit on the shore.
	Maybe cause I could never refuse her.
	Or maybe because it hurts to fight with her.
	Or maybe because I love her.
	What a joke.
	My whole life is a joke.
	And she shows up just in time to stop me from doing the only thing I've
ever done right.
	Cheated again.

	The ground is cold.
	And so are my words.
	"Can't you just leave me alone long enough to do this? I promise,
Scully, I won't need anything ever again."
	"You know I can't."
	So I lay down on the ground.
	I should tell her now.
	Better late than never.
	I turn to look in her face, but she is gone.
	Scully, I love you.
	But you will never hear it.
	I think I am crying.
	But it doesn't matter.
	I have been cheated.
	Damn it.
	Cheated again.

end