TITLE: Carpe Veritas 1/1
AUTHOR: Katherine Perry
EMAIL: kjperry@mcc.miracosta.cc.ca.us
ARCHIVE:
SPOILERS: none
RATING: PG
CONTENT WARNING: none
CLASSIFICATION: V
SUMMARY: Soon after Scully's return in 'One Breath', Mulder muses over
the realization of a personal truth.

DISCLAIMER: The X-Files is the property of Chris Carter and 1013
Productions.  I claim nothing of this, other than the inspiration, which
is still owed to the above and Mr.Duchovny's inestimable
characterization.


Carpe Veritas 1/1
By Katherine Perry

How much can the human spirit endure?  And why do I get the very
definite feeling I am not in the control group?
I'd laugh at my own joke if I weren't so much the butt of it.

Do I endure for what I had always thought I did?  The truth?  Or is it
now more, so that I may continue to be the bane of their existence, the
thorn in their proverbial sides, wishing I were anatomically, to the
posterior, lower, deeper and thornier.

I understand why they don't kill me. One man's quest and all...but
Goddamn it, some days I do wish they would.  I have even thought of it
myself...dying to spite them.

Oh God, Scully, what have I done?

I had for so long been possessed of such a single-minded purpose.  It
was easy to do in the early days.  I was young. I was invincible.  I was
alone.

Not even my life was important to the equation because I had so padded
my resources that upon my untimely demise the resultant hue and cry
would call forth of the Hounds of Capitol Hill.  I remember how
righteous and secure I felt.  So calm, so self-assured.  I was
unwavering, indomitable.  I had nothing to lose.

I was a fool.

When did the edges begin to blur?  When did my well-defined black and
white begin to go to gray?

Scully believed that she had been placed with me to debunk my work and
for a while, I was convinced of it.

Until the truth, like a whelping bitch, fractured itself into a myriad
of whimpering half-truths and life-sucking bastard lies.  And then as so
many things have become all to painfully clear to me through her,
because of her, I learned that I did indeed have something to lose.

This startling revelation did not come when she was first taken.  No.
But soon after, when she was returned to me.  And that is what she
was...returned to me.  Scully was their guileless messenger and my
unwitting teacher.

I was so consumed for so long with uncovering my sister's fate that I
never realized that my search had ceased to be recognizable as having
anything to do with Samantha.  It was no longer about the truth of what
had happened to her.  Instead it had subtly mutated and become about
what was happening to us all.

I was for so long, and at a young age, conditioned by external and then
internal forces, to have no regard for myself that I failed to recognize
how formidable a foe I had become.  My reputation only mattered so long
as it got me what and where I wanted to go.  I had no personal life.
Estranged even from my parents, an initially painful but necessary
cutting away of a useless anchor.  It kept me angry.  Sharp.  Focused.

I was a fool, Scully, and now it may be too late.  Now that I know, I am
forever changed.

She wasn't sent to discredit me.  Scully had been sent for a far darker
purpose.  She was the one solid piece of evidence I was ever allowed to
keep.  The catalyst to my slow and painful re-initiation to the human
race. She was a truth I had long thought to never own again.

Proof that I was not alone.

END

ABOUT THE TITLE:  Carpe Veritas is Latin for 'Seize the Truth'.
AUTHORS NOTE:  My great appreciation goes out to two people (Lori
Goldman and Judi Southwell) who have offered me their invaluable
assistance in support of my fickle muse.
FEEDBACK:  If you are so inclined, and regardless of the direction in
which the wind may blow you.  I would be grateful.
kjperry@mcc.miracosta.cc.ca.us