Title: Broken
Author: Nancy Espinosa
Spoilers: None, but it can take place after Closure.
Summary. Scully lost someone she loves, and now her life has turned into 
something she never imagined.
Author's Notes: I never thought I could write something like this. I prefer 
to write happy- ending stories, love stories, but I started writing thinking 
about my own life and ended up like this. It can be a journal entry or you 
can read it as public. Please, I ask you to be gentle again, I'm really 
giving my best. Enjoy. 
E-mail: nancye_2000@yahoo.com

Broken, By Nancy Espinosa
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I wish I could back in time
to say things I didn't say, 
do things I could've made, 
change my present, change this day,
change the way I feel.

We wasted so much time, 
our fucking fears were stronger than our feelings, 
our love.  
We shared just one kiss.  One.

It's not fair, but I can't blame anyone.

And now you're gone. Forever.

Why, why did you leave me?
I miss you so much.

Sometimes when I'm alone at the office
I can hear you eating those damn seeds
and I lift my head to tell you
not to make a mess  
and then I realize you're not there, 
your chair is empty 

and when I'm in my apartment 
I can hear you knocking at my door, 
I head towards it expecting to find you 
asking me for comfort 
because you're confused 
and your demons visited in your nighmares, 
but I open the door 
and I just find an empty space, just air.

I can't accept it!! I just can't!!

I even questioned my God for an answer, 
and I even doubted of my God.  
Me.  I questioned Him, 
is He trying to punish me 
because I lost my faith when I was sick 
or because I don't know what to believe anymore?  
Someone told me He doesn't punish, 
it's only how life is.

Life? I don't have a life anymore.  
You were my life, 
you became my life when I laid my eyes on you.
Now what? 
I need your passion, 
your stubbornness, 
your cleverness, 
I need you goodwill, 
your integrity, your honesty, 
your temper, 
I need your presence,
I need your love, 
I need you... so much.

Now look at me. 
Me. The most centered, 
strong, even cold woman is now broken. 
I thought nothing in this world 
could make me show my vulnerability, 
show my feelings and fears, 
and look at me now. 
All that strength is gone.  It went with you. 
Because I was strong for you.  
You needed me to be strong for you. For both of us. 
I'm not that woman anymore. I'm weak.

And now I'm here standing at your grave 
and I don't want to go anywhere, 
I wanna be here forever with you.

It's raining. 
The sky is crying with me.  
It shares my sadness, my frustration, my lack of happiness.

I want him back!! 
Please god, what do I have to do to bring him back!!

We were fighting our demons, 
our fears, 
we wanted to be together.  
We wanted to feel our love, we wanted to be happy.  
That's all we wanted.

Why? Why do they have to be in the middle of all? Why?
Why did they take you away from me, 
the love of my life? 
Why only you and not both?

Now I only have my memories.
That's not enough for me!!

We lost so much time Mulder.
Why we let time go by, 
we think we always have time, but no!!
When you least expect it 
everything falls in front of us!!

I want him back!! Please I want him back!!

What am I doing?
Now I'm digging on the grass, looking for you?
Do I expect to remove the ground 
and find you smiling at me with 
your arms open to me?!!

I want him back!! I want him back!!

I just can't let you go, I don't want to.
I want to see you.
What can I do to see you?
I want to know if you're all right.
Are you afraid?
Please don't be afraid.
Oh my God, what if he's scared, 
if his demons are haunting him 
and I'm not there to comfort him.
Don't be afraid!!  I'm with you, look at me.
I love you, you'll be all right, believe me.

I want him back!!

Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder, then whispers in my ear.
Oh, it's my mother, 
we have to go home, but I don't want to.
My home it's not how it used to be.  
They don't call it home, they call it clinic...
There's a lot of people around  
and always saying things it doesn't make sense.
And doctors and nurses everywhere. 
Taking care of them.  Of me.
But I don't know why. I'm not sick.
And all that pills they make me take....

I don't want to go.  I want to be here with you.  
That's what I tell her.
Then another hand lifts me from the ground.
We have to go he says.
Oh, it's my brother, and a doctor...
They're taken me away from you as usual.

But it doesn' matter.  
I'll be back tomorrow, I promise.
Here.  Take it.  I don't need to take it with me.
My heart belongs to you and I leave it here with you.
Take care of it, OK?
I love you Fox Mulder.
And I always will.
Here on earth.
In heaven, in hell....

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Ok, I know is sad and I know is not possible, but he, we are talking about 
the X Files here, everything is possible. Comments? Bring them on!  
nancye_2000@yahoo.com
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