PART 3/3, "Boo-Ray for Hollywood"
Disclaimer may be found in Part 1 
----------------------------------------------------------------

19th Century Wolf Studios Executive Building
11-21 Productions Office
5:37pm PST

     By the time Scully arrived on the scene, Kriss had fled his
office for the sanctity of his beachfront home. She found Mulder
sitting in the office holding a package.
     "So where's Mr Z-Folder?" Scully asked diligently.
     "He split for the beach right after he claimed that he was
attacked by his ghost...and not just any ghost..."
     "Casper the Unfriendly Ghost? Scully asked bemusedly.

     "No, a Ghost DOG..." Mulder answered in all ernest. "Claimed
it tripped him and then chewed up a script he was working on." He
stopped Scully from making any further comments. "I've seen the
script and the tears do suggest canine damage...and then there's
this..." He held up the package.
     "The soiled trousers?" Scully asked as she covered her face
with her hand. "I hate to ask, but what exactly was found on
Kriss' pants?"
     "Well, think back to what you hoped wasn't in the Purity
Control erlenmeyer flask..."
     "Puppy Pee?"
     Mulder smiled. "And a small dog at that, too Scully!"

     Scully started scratching her chin. "Uh, Mulder...did you
ask Kriss exactly why the animal actor who played...'Fluffy'...
hasn't been available for further roles on the Z-Folders?" 
     "Actually...no...I never thought to...why?
     "Because the internationally famous creator of the Z-Folders
KILLED HIM on location! I heard it from an eyewitness who saw him
kick the dog to death. That's why Kriss is seeing a so-called
ghost dog... plain and simple guilt of what he did."
     Mulder was shocked but was still a bit skeptical about her
theory. "But what about the doggie pee? And the torn script?"

     Scully stood arms akimbo and explained. "It's simple,
Mulder. Some deranged Fluffy fan found out about it via the
internet and decided to take revenge by tearing up a script. And
since Kriss is suffering from a mental collapse anyway, he's
imagining it's the ghost of Fluffy...er, Sampson...er, the animal
actor he killed..."

     Mulder tried pleading his theory. "But...But...But...But..."

     Scully's patience ended. "OH *bleep*, Mulder! Get it through
your head that this is NOT a X-File! It's NOT even a case for the
FBI! I'm calling Skinner first thing in the morning and going
HOME! And if you dare mention Ghost Dogs just one more time, I'm
going to have you sent to the nearest loony bin!" Now lets get
out of here!" She grabbed Mulder's tie and dragged him to the
rental car.


8:49pm
Swinging Star Motel
Hollywood CA
     That night, Mulder looked out the motel window. Dozens of
'z's hung in other nicer motel windows up and down the street.
Apparently the Z-Folder Zealots were out in force. He was about
to close the curtains, when something caught his eye. A big
purple neon 'X' was flashing from behind a gas station across the
street. "It's a sign!" he exclaimed and then raced down the
stairs. Moments later, Mulder found himself in front of an adult
video store, the purple neon X flashing away.
     "YES!" Mulder congratulated himself quietly. He began
reaching for his Adult Video News Discount card when he heard a
familiar voice ring out.
     "It is about time you showed Mr Mulder. I was getting tired
of being propositioned in this alley..." Out of the shadows
stepped the Mysterious Mr X.
     "I wonder what you'd be propositioned for..." quipped
Mulder, only slightly surprised at the sudden appearance.
     "Answers, Mr Mulder... my predecessor knew you always had a
weakness for answers."
     "The answer all depends on whether it's phrased in the form
of a question or not. " Mulder quipped again.
     "Those comic retorts are getting tired, Mr Mulder. Please
refrain from using them."
     "Oh all right..." sighed Mulder. "So what brings to you to
El Lay, X-Man? Trying out for the Z-Folders TV show?"  

     "No, Mr Mulder, I'm not interested in such a silly sci-fi
show. I'm here to tell you why you're here in Hollywood. Rupaul
McMurdo, the owner of the SUX network is very influential in very
high Washington circles, and I don't mean Tipper Gore's Deadhead
Listening Parties...."
     "Wrong Party, I assume..." quipped Mulder.
     "Quite correct, Mr Mulder. McMurdo is one of the top
monetary contributors to the Republican National Committee, which
is odd considering his Australian citizenship, Page Three Girl
tabloids, and sleazy TV programming."
     " `Married with Grown Teenagers' isn't exactly what I'd call
Good 'Family Values'...." quipped Mulder again.
     
     "WILL YOU STOP IT WITH THESE *blanking* MULDERISMS?!? It's
*bleeping* annoying, you *blanking* Idiot!" X soon calmed down
and continued. "Anyway, McMurdo's network profits went through
the roof when Z-Folders took off. And since it did present some
rather...let's say... unsavory things about Big Government, it
suits the GOP's ideology. But since Kriss has been showing signs
of a mental collapse recently, it looked as if McMurdo was going
to lose his sole quality show and thus lose millions in future
campaign contributions. That's why you and Agent Scully were
assigned to investigate his wild claims of so-called ghosts to
get him back working."
     "You mean Scully and I were sent out here to protect Kriss
from the ghost dog?" Mulder asked enthusiastically.

     "It wasn't so you could work on your suntans." X quipped.
Bemused by his X-ism, he continued. "Actually, THEY don't care
what is making Kriss lose control, just get him back to work. If
you fail in this task, certain elements of the Government will
not just terminate the X-Files, but possibly it's chief
investigators. Or Worse..." He glowered viciously as the words
came out.
     Mulder seemed noncommittal. "Worse then what?"
     "How about your government pensions?" 
     "NO! Not that! That's too Cruel!" Mulder cried as he shirked
back in horrified panic.

     Mr X shifted his footing and started to turn away. "Now, Mr
Mulder...if you can kindly excuse me; my wife is expecting me to
take her to the Soul Train Music Awards show...Get down on it, Mr
Mulder...." And with that, Mr X disappeared into the darkness.
  
     Mulder rapped maniacally at Scully's motel room door. But
when the door opened, he jumped back in horror as a turbaned,
green-faced mechanical monster opened it! 
     "AAAAAHH!!" Screamed Mulder as he jumped back behind a coke
machine.
     The Horrid Entity spoke. "Mulder, what is wrong with you?"
     "Scully?" Mulder peeked from behind the machine.
     "It sure isn't Pamela Anderson Lee or Jilly Gunderson!" She
instinctively covered up the front of her robe, even though it
was already well-covered. "It's just my night mask...and my
curlers." She embarrassedly zipped back in the room and began
taking the hair pieces out from underneath the towel. "Nice
Girlie scream, Mulder..."

     Mulder recovered from his scare, but was still rushed in his
newly found discovery. "Scully! You'll never believe what just
happened to me at the Adult Video store around the corner!"
     "I do not in my wildest dreams want to know what just
happened at any Adult Video Store around any corner, Mulder."
      Mulder began scrambling to collect Scully's clothes. "Get
dressed! We've got to hurry or something terrible is going to
happen!"
     Scully yawned as Mulder began shuffling through her luggage.
"What? Carter Kriss is going to get ghost dog wee-wee on his
chinos again tonight?
     "Worse! We're in danger if we don't get Kriss working
again!!" Mulder yelled as he dropped to look for Scully's shoes
under the bed.
     Scully seemed even less enthused. "Smoking Man is going to
hit on me now?"
     "Worse! We'll lose our pensions!"

     Scully flew over the bed into the bathroom, knocking Mulder
to the floor. "OUTTA MY WAY, MULDER! WE'VE GOT TO GET GOING!!"  


Malibu, CA
9:15pm
     As they raced to Carter Kriss' malibu beach home, Mulder
began piecing together his theory.
     "Scully! I think I have it! In the episode "Quackmire",
Razutto's dog Fluffy is eaten by an escaped alligator, which
occurred at 9:35pm Eastern & Pacific time. Newbie was killed at
9:35 last night, and Kriss's attacks occurred at 3:35am, which is
9:35 in Australia, and at 11:35, which is 9:35 in Honolulu.
     "So you're saying that your 'Ghost Dog' keeps better time
then Kriss's Rolex watch? I still think it's a deranged Z-Folder
fan! Only somebody like that could remember the exact time some
trained animal was killed off screen." She choked a bit,
remembering her own poor, poor Queequag.
     "Hey, you told me that Kriss killed the real dog who played
Fluffy at exactly 9:35pm Mountain time in Mexico. You explain all
the chronological coincidences!"
     "I said it before; only one of those demented fans could
remember such trivial bits of information and then act upon it. I
read some of Kriss's E-mails from the mad Fluffy fans; they fit
nearly every pathological profile of stalkers to a 't'. If I was
getting mail like that, I'd start imagining phantom killers
behind every door, too!"
     The tires squealed as Mulder rounded a corner. "Then why
does he think it's a phantom dog? Why not a tax evading Romainain
count or an undead Mafia Don?"
     "Like I said before, Mulder, guilt from having kicked
Fluffy, er Sampson to death." She clutched the seat as the
Porsche skidded on the road as Mulder turned. "And Slow down,
Mulder..here's the turn o..."

     The Porsche skidded into the turn and banged up against the
guard rail, sending dirt and small rocks over the 50' cliff.
     "Hey Mulder! Deadman's Curve is no place to play!"
     "Well, there goes my deposit....."

Kriss Residence
9:31pm
     The Malibu mansion was dead quiet, only the monotonous low
crashing of the waves and a incoming night wind provided any
sound. Scully & Mulder bolted from the Porsche, weapons drawn in
case Kriss's stalker was nearby. Scully got to the gate, only to
stop when Mulder went back to the car to set the parking brake,
turn off the lights, turn on the alarm, and place the steering
wheel lock in place. 
     "Next time, you rent a Yugo!" scolded Scully.

     As Mulder knocked at the glass front door, he suddenly heard
a man scream inside. It was Carter Kriss. "Quick, Scully! Kriss
is in trouble!"
     "I'll take the back!" Scully yelled as she pulled out her
sidearm and took off for the rear of the house.

     Mulder tried breaking in the house; first trying to knock
down, then kick in the glass door; it didn't budge. Apparently,
it could only be done in the movies. He reached for his pistol
and fired at the glass. Still nothing. Running out of ideas, he
mindlessly tried the knob. It opened. "Million dollars in
security and he forgets to lock the door..."

     Meanwhile, Scully was trying to break in every door and
window on the lower floor. Finally, she turned around the corner
and saw a medium sized doggie door in the basement door. "Well,
here's to Jenny Craig..." Scully muttered as she began squeezing
through.

     Mulder slipped in and then heard Carter Kriss scream in
terror and then begin gurgling horribly. Racing to the sound of
the scream, Mulder saw Kriss struggling on the floor with a can
of Die Flea Die floating over his head, spewing the white powder
all over his head. Mulder instinctively grabbed the first thing
he saw, Kriss' Wooden World award for Best Drama Series, and
waved it in the air.
     "Here boy!, Here Fluffy! Here boy! CATCH!" yelled Mulder as
he tossed it across the room.
     As the award rolled on the floor, the floating flea powder
can fell and Kriss began gagging on the powder in his mouth. In
the moonlit dusting of flea powder, Mulder thought he saw tiny
paw prints appear. He fired blindly as he screamed  "Get out of
here, Kriss!", to which the producer scrambled to his feet and
stumbled towards the patio door.

     But just as Kriss threw open the sliding door, Mulder again
thought he saw a whizzing shape fly through the air towards the
terrified producer. Mulder got two rounds off, but apparently
missed the invisible attacker as four paw-shaped impressions
appeared on Kriss's back.  
     "G-g-g-et it off of Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" Kriss screamed as
he toppled over the side of the patio railing. A disgustingly
slurpy thud was all Mulder heard next as he arrived on the patio
too late.
     Mulder looked down at the beach, just as Scully came up from
the lower floor. Carter Kriss' dive off the patio had impaled him
on one of his very own surfboards. As he looked down, Mulder
imagined tiny paw prints trotting away from the scene, only to be
blown away by the evening winds. The Z-Folders creator's face was
a frozen visage of horror and Mulder knew it wasn't from the
board sticking out of his body.
     Arriving at the railing, Scully looked down at Kriss's body
oozily sliding down on the board. She then looked at Mulder. "If
you say "Wipe Out", Mulder....I'm going to sock you..."
     Mulder gulped. "How about 'Surf's Up, dude'?"

     He ALMOST avoided Scully's fist once more.

Hollywood, CA
May 8th, 1997
11:35am
     The next day at 19th Century Wolf Studio was one of mad
chaos. The Z-Folders was put on immediate holding and a big press
conference was schedule to be held on CNN, E!, and carried live
on the Internet. Scully & Mulder, however, were not at all
interested in what fate awaited the show, the studio, the fans,
or the SUX Network; only in that they had failed. Mulder was
resigned to accept the fate Mr X had warned him about, but Scully
decided to take the offensive to save her job & pension.

     Crossing her arms in disgust, Scully snapped at her partner.
"Mulder, this has to be, above and beyond the stupidest excuse
for a case I have been on in my entire FBI career, and that
includes all times I nearly got killed by crazed axe murderers
and assorted other sickos! I can't believe Skinner could define
this as a X-File. Then again, Hollywood IS an X-File all by
itself!"
     "What makes you say that, Scully?" replied the dejected
Mulder.
     "Aside from being hit on by every degenerate producer,
assistant producer, co producer, associate producer, best boy,
grip, gaffer, and male extra on this studio lot, the idea that
Carter Kriss was being haunted and then killed by a phantom of a
canine character he supposed killed in an episode about alligator
farm subsidies is completely ludicrous!" She was quite angry,
both from all the male jerks and the thought of her own poor,
poor Queequag.

     "But Scully, you have to believe me about what happened! A
phantom dog really DID attack Carter Kriss! We have Woodbraid's
statement, the poodle pee, the scratch marks, the paw prints, and
what about all that Die Flea Die powder at the attack scene?"
     Scully seemed completely unconvinced, her tone lowering to
show her increasing anger. "Mulder, Carter Kriss was a overpaid,
undercreative ex-surfer boy who just happened to strike it rich
with a completely ridiculous idea for a TV show that appeals to
undersocialized computer nerds! Apparently years of drug use have
addled what little brain he had left, evidenced by his wild
hallucinations of a 'ghost dog" and by his attempt to snort all
that flea powder, it's apparent he just fell over the side and
landed on his surfboard! Get it Mulder, there is NO CASE HERE and
NO reason for us to further waste anymore time here in this
insane excuse for a entertainment center!"
     "But...But...but.." Mulder stammered.
     "No Buts, Mulder! Go get the rental car and let's leave...
NOW!" She was steaming mad as Mulder had never seen her.

     As Mulder turned and left, Scully stood alone next to the
soundstage, tapping her foot to alleviate her fuming temper. Just
then, the stage door opened and out stepped a youngish man in
black clothes with long hair and a slight beard. The two bumped
into each other, sending her purse and his paper bag to the
ground, but the man caught Scully just as she was about to fall.

     "Oh! I'm terribly sorry, miss! Are you alright?" He knelt
down to pick up Scully's purse as she picked up his bag.
     "Oh, my fault! I should have been paying more attenti...."
Scully looked at the man. He seemed familiar in a way, but she
just could not exactly place his face. "Uh...thank you,
Mister...." She looked deeply into his blue eyes, visions of him
sailing through her mind. "Don't I know you from somewhere?"

     "Maybe you've seen me on the Z-Folders; I'm Klyde Klink, I
play Lungford the Lonely Computer Guy, and I'm also the assistant
Art director for the show." He looked at the happily puzzled
Scully inquisitively. "You know, I also get the feeling I know
you as well. You're not in the LA Medieval Society, are you?"
     "No, I don't watch much television or am in any Medieval
Society..." Scully's anger was completely dissipated as unknown
memories began swirling through her mind. "But I do get the
distinct impression of seeing you in medieval costume as well."
She shyly looked around and thrust her hand forward. "Oh, my
name's Scully, Dana Scully. I'm with the FBI. We, er I, was
investigating Carter Kriss's bizarre behavior up until his
untimely demise last night." Scully's mind raced with the various
memories of knowing this man and trying to place it. "I really
don't want to sound odd, but I would swear I've known you for...
ages..."
     Klink's face lit up. "You know, I was about to say the same
thing!" He pointed at his bag. "I just ordered some sushi for
lunch, but my dining partners all took off. You wouldn't mind if
I asked you to share? Maybe we can talk..."
     Scully beamed. "Why yes, I would like that very much...maybe
we can figure out where we met....you know, I really do feel I've
known you somewhere before....."  
     "Well, my production trailer's just over there; it's air
conditioned. You don't mind if we ate in there, do you, Dana?
     Scully slung her purse over her shoulder and took Klink's
arm. "It is rather warm out here, Klyde... so why not?"  
               
     Fox Mulder shuffled to the 11-21 Production Office, which
was overflowing with panicking employees running out with as many
office supplies as they could carry. Suddenly, a black Mercedes
limo pulled up. Out stepped SUX network owner RuPaul McMurdo and
a very well dressed older man, surrounded by various aides and
accompanied by a petite young blond woman. Finally coming out of
the limo was actor Donald Dubrowtnik, who waved at Mulder and
starting walking over as a unearth scream arose from the crowd.
     "Hey Fox, baby! You still here?"
     "Dubrowtnik... You seem rather happy for a guy who's about
to lose his job...since Kriss died last night" came Mulder's
answer, complete rejection in his voice.
     "Kriss? Oh, I'm sorry about that, but why would I lose my
job?" Dubrowtnik asked as he scratched his head.       
     "Well, he WAS the Z-Folders Creator and Executive
Producer..."
     Dubrowtnik chuckled. "Yeah he WAS, but McMurdo just got the
Z-Folders a NEW Executive producer, Error Speiling!"   
     "You don't mean the guy who makes 'Santa Monica 90113' and
'Sunset Place', do you?"
     "You bet! In fact, his daughter Tora is going to write and
direct a few episodes! Looks like me and Jilly will be doing the
wild thing on the small screen pretty soon. Fans will finally get
what they've been begging for! Not to say what I've been begging
for; wink wink, nudge nudge, knowhatimean, knowhatimean?"

     "You live the wild life, Dubrowtnik. It must be incredible
having all those fans practically worshipping you." Mulder said
as he gestured over at the crowd of screaming female fans who
were gathered at the front gate, sadness in his voice.  
     "You can say that again! I had about 3 dozen pairs of
panties thrown at me during a convention in Omaha! I get 400 plus
e-mailed love letters a week! And if you had told me I'd be one
of People Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People five years ago, I'd
have laughed in your face! I feel like the luckiest guy on the
planet!"

     "Sure beats my job situation. Scully thinks I'm a nut, my
boss wants me fired, the entire FBI laughs at me, I have no
social life, and I'm going to lose my government pension..."
     "Hey, you're a good looking guy! Maybe you should come out
here and start an acting career! You'd be a natural!"
     Mulder scratched his chin and pondered that last thought.
"But I've never taken acting lessons..."

     Dubrowtnik laughed again. "Hey, neither have 2/3s of the
actors out here already!" He reached for his filofax in his coat
pocket. "Here's my agent's card, Fox...give him a ring, and we'll
get you started, okay? Just think about it, dude!" Dubrowtnik
handed Mulder a business card and started into the office. As he
went in, Dubrowtnik yelled out. "Let's Do Lunch sometime, Fox!"
     Mulder looked at the card, then at the throng of young,
nubile female fans screaming on the other side of the chainlink
fence. 
     "I think I'll go ask Scully what she thinks..."

     Scully wasn't where he left her, so Mulder began searching
for his missing partner. But after an hour of asking anyone he
met, there was no trace of Scully. "I hope she didn't take a bus
back to the airport..." he wondered. As he rounded the corner of
a neighboring soundstage, Mulder heard suddenly Scully cry out in
a way Mulder had never heard her cry out before. It was coming
from a trailer nearby. Pulling his Sig Saur of his chest holster,
he raced towards the yelping shrieks of his partner. Horrible
visions of Scully being tortured roared through his mind. He
raced up to the door, the cries turning in to a staccato of deep
moaning wails, an unearthly scream, and then---- dead silence.
Fearing the worst, Mulder kicked the door in and broke in with
his sidearm out in a combat stance. "FREEZE! FBI!" he screamed
almost instanaeously.
     But just as the last syllable came out of his mouth, Mulder
stood in complete shock. There in a mountain of pillows was
Scully, her naked legs and arms wrapped around a equally naked
Art Director and Lone Computer Guy Klyde Klink, who was holding
her in his arms and on his lap whilst in the midst of what Donald
Dubrowtnik used to do in front of a camera. Breaking their deep,
impassioned kiss, they both turned their heads and froze in a
momentary state of shock, surprise and utter embarrassment.
Plates of partially eaten sushi sat on the table; Scully's
brasserie hung from a camera tripod with her coat next to her.

     Klink stammered. "Uuuuhhhh, y-y-your boyfriend?"
     Scully's erotic wailing had turned to maniacal screaming.
"MULDER! WHAT THE *bleep* ARE YOU *bleeping* DOING HERE?!?!?

     Mulder lowered his pistol and sheepishly grinned and
shuffled his feet as he edged backwards. "Uh, taking notes for
the next season of the Z-Folders??"
     Scully responded by reaching for her Sig-Saur and fired
twice at Mulder. "GET the *blank* OUT OF HERE, YOU *bleeping*
*blank*!" She was quite angry.
     Mulder dove out the door, frightened more by his partner's
tone then from the bullets..... 


                            EPILOGUE
Washington DC
May 9, 1997
10:13am EST
     Skinner returned to his office after a conference call down
the hall. Inside was the unexpected figure of the Cigarette
Smoking Man, a Marly cupped neatly in his hand. Bluish rings of
tobacco exhaust hung in the sunlight pouring from a quarter open
curtain. Skinner didn't sit down, he instead headed directly
towards the mysterious bureaucrat.
     "Well, I hope you're happy, mister! You finally got what you
wanted!" Skinner hissed as his tanned faced darkened with rage.
     "And what would that be, Assistant Director Skinner?" the
seated man asked calmly as he placed the cigarette between his
thin lips and inhaled deeply.

     Skinner threw a single sheet of tissue-like fax paper into
his adversary's face. "THIS! The resignations from the Bureau of
agents Mulder & Scully!"
     The Cigarette dropped from Smoking Man's mouth in complete
shock. "WHAT? They QUIT? No Way!" he wailed.
     "Read it and weep, cancerbreath!"
     Holding the fax, still undercut by Skinner's statement,
Smoking Man read the words. "This is too weird, man!  They can't
quit now! I was just testing them! I was going to tell Mulder
everything he wanted to know! The whole truth and nothing but the
truth! Tell him his sister was a transfer student to Galaxy High
and is now a Special Agent in the Space Rangers...and that
Melissa Scully was rebuilt as the Bionic Woman and is on
assignment in Russia with the OSI! Golly Gee! I feel so bad!"

     "Well you should have thought of that before, Einstein!"

     Smoking Man nervously reached for a pack of chewing gum and
tossed two slices in his mouth. "But why? Why did they quit? What
happened?" He was clearly upset.

     Skinner looked out the windows, and sighed deeply. "They've
decided to forsake all their duties, all their responsibilities,
all their beliefs....and went over to...the other side..."
     "You can't mean they......"
     "Yes, Theodore....They quit the FBI to become..." Skinner
grew sickened at what he was about to say. "They've decided to
become... Television actors...

     "Ah gee, Wally! What are we gonna do now?"


                             The End
                                ?


Comments & Critiques can be sent to RJChristen@aol.com
I hope you managed to keep your sanity while reading this.