Classification: Humor, Short. Relationshipper notice, I assume that M&S have a bantering friendship. If you are offended by a) two members of the opposite sex having merely a friendship b) Mulder and Scully not showing gobs of UST, if not outright having a mutual naptime' or c) a story that really doesn't do anything, bye-bye! Disclaimer: All of the associated trademarks, copyrights, characters, and situations that are inherent to the works of the X-Files, its owners, and its creators (including but not limited to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and Fox Television) are their property, and this short story should not be construed in any way, shape or form to be a challenge to those intellectual properties. The authors merely intends this work to be a form of entertainment, and he neither seeks or expects any form of compensation, and respects the owners of the material and their desires. Finally, the author's work should not be assumed to be in any way reflective of the desires of the original owners. With all of that technical language out of the way, I hope to now give you the most persuasive reason not to sue. Do you actually expect to get any money out of me, a poor college student? Please, be real. As a personal request, I ask that no copies of this story be posted anywhere other than the EMXC mailing list, or put up on a web page, without my prior permission. I consider this work to be in progress, and I await my final peer review, this mailing list, before casting this story in the stone of net propagation. Thank you for your understanding. Since this is my first story here, I will probably go overboard on this foreword. This was written originally in an effort to avoid doing real work. Bridges as a name was chosen not only because the initial central joke of the story concerned the Delaware Bridge, but also because I saw this scene as a bridge between others. Parts of this material is based on real conversations on extremely long car rides, which probably gives you more insight into my psyche that you're comfortable with. This was so much fun writing that I'm currently working on another, which is starting to look like it may be series material. I don't know if it will remain that way, but look for Placing the Pieces' by the end of the year. Please give me feedback, for most of my published work is non-fiction, and I'm a little out of practice with just fiction, so any input you can give me would be appreciated. Bil Aguiar CaBil@aol.com and, oh yeah, here's the story.... Bridges "Mulder, the right lane, right now would be very good...." "I just wish that they placed the sign before the split became irreversible." "Mulder, just how often do we take I-95 North from D.C.?" "Every couple of months, why?" "Because we almost always manage to forget to take the exit to the Delaware Bridge and New Jersey until the last possible moment." "That's because the sign for it is at least a mile back, and it doesn't look like it's an exit until it's too late" "Wait a second, you grew up in Massachusetts; what happened to the mythical Boston driving gene that allows you drive like a maniac and know precisely where you're going?" "We had a special class of high-school citizen who took care of knowing where we were going." "Oh, please..." "No, really they were called nav-heads because they had a head for navigation. You needed someone who knew all the roads, which tended to be topographical terrors." "Topographical terrors?" "My attack of onomatopoeia for the day. Besides, where else can you find a city whose streets were built on cow paths? "Rome, London, Berlin, Athens..." "Excuse me, on this continent?" "Oh, sorry, I didn't you know you were going to be so provincial." "Anyways, we always brought along a nav-head because the roads in New England can be so screwy, so that's why I don't have a head for directions now." "So since you relied so much on them back then, you can't do it now? What happened to Mister Eidetic Memory?" "That's my story and I'm sticking to it." "Okay, what about the infamous Boston driving?" "Had it beaten out of me in D.C." "Strange, I don't remember patching you up after a beating in D.C. Shootings, poisonings, memory loss, night terrors, car crashes, yes but no beatings that I can recall..." "Hah-hah. In Massachusetts, especially in Boston, sure we drive crazy, but that's because we have all gone through extensive training" "You could have fooled me - a driving test is what, ten multiple choice questions?" "Hey, I got one wrong!" "You got one wrong?!?" "That wasn't supposed come out precisely like that. But anyway, DC is different, I got burned out just watching." "You, Mulder, giving up? I find that hard to believe." "Okay, it's like, in Massachusetts we pull of insane maneuvers through skill, because we've driven with maniacs all of our lives. Like fighter pilots that have been given hundreds of hours of training before climbing into the cockpit. In D.C., the feeling I get when I'm on the roads that all the other drivers were given about three minutes of instruction and now trying to copy the Boston moves" "What?" "You can tell, the people here are just not paying attention when they tear across three lanes on the Beltway, while on its equivalent for Boston, Route 128, it's more like a freeform but highly orchestrated dance when someone pulls the same maneuver. Then again, whoever designed the Beltway needs to be shot because he obviously designed it to be as maddening as possible." "Is this just one of your feelings?" ìNo, my highly trained intuitive understanding of the highway engineer's thoughts. That and the fact he obviously was a bed wetter." "I'll tell you what I don't understand." "Which is?" "The nerve of Delaware." "Huh?" "I mean, there very gall! I mean, we were just on their highway for what, 25 miles..." "...closer to 15." "Right, so they soak you for 3 bucks in tolls! Because they know that their state is just rest stop between Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and Maryland, and that you need to get through it in order to get anywhere interesting." "Okay, Scully." "No I mean it, they sucker you in by saying that the state has no sales tax, but the real reason they can afford no sales tax is because the state extorts all the money it needs from the tolls of people going to the malls." "I take it you went shopping there?" "Umm, only for Christmas. When you have as many relatives as I do, well, you gotta save money somewhere. And they put it on all their signs." "That was something I don't get. 'Welcome to Delaware, Land of Tax-Free Shopping!" "Well?" "That's a stupid state motto." "I doubt it's the state motto." "Well, that's what supposed to be there. New Hampshire also has tax-free shopping, but they still put their motto on their signs" "Okay, I'll bite..." "I wish." "I didn't hear that, Mulder" "Hear what?" "Good." "You were saying?" "Okay, I'll ask, what is the motto for New Hampshire? "Officially or unofficially?" "There is a difference?" "Of course" "Both then." ìOfficially, it is Live Free or Die,' which fits the state's personality. They call the rest of the country 'seatbelt fascists' because everyone else buckled in to Congress and passed mandatory seatbelt laws." "Mulder, I thought we had an agreement." "What? The cup holder is right by your leg, I was going for that, really." "Umm, no, that wasn't the problem at all. Though why is your cup on my side?" "Whatever do you mean?" "Thought so." "Umm...you were saying?" "Yes, I thought we made an deal about your puns." "Oh, I just made one, didn't I? The buckle in and seatbelts thing. I truly hadn't noticed." "Right. Remember the rule, no making puns, good or bad, while driving, because then I can't strangle you then." "That was an agreement? I thought that was a threat." "So?" "Oh... Where were we?" "The unofficial state motto?" " 'Welcome To Beautiful New Hampshire. Now Go Home.' I think that one has to do with dealing with presidential candidates for years before the primaries." "Is that your professional opinion?" "No, personal." "Based on?" "My status as a veteran of the Massachusetts/New Hampshire border wars." "Border wars? What, did you have to break out the muskets?" "Ha-ha. I'm not surprised you haven't heard about it, even though it is a long running civil war" "Okay, enlighten me then, Mulder." "Well, people from Massachusetts and New Hampshire have never really gotten along..." "Since?" "Since sometime in the 17th century, can I finish the story, please?" "Okay..." "Since we not allowed to mobilize the militia to settle our differences anymore, we turn to the next best weapon" "Pre-adolescent boys?" "Dammit, Scully, how did you know?" "I survived high school on military bases, Mulder. It was easy. So New Hampshire and Massachusetts high schoolers met and tried to out-macho each other, right? "Umm... I only went along since you can only buy fireworks in New Hampshire and go to their water parks." "Uh-huh, sure..." "Hey, at least we both had cool state mottoes! I mean, Missouri, the Show Me state? Show me what?" "Try again." "Well, umm, oops, better slow down, they closed lanes on the Delaware bridge." "Changing the subject?" "Me? Never. Did you know that fatality rates are much higher on bridges?" "No, though I guess it makes sense. If you go off the road, well, your car can get banged up but it is not as immediately dangerous as going off a bridge and making a big splash!" "That's what many people think, but even if you control for that, the numbers still don't add up. I suspect that there is a darker reason." "Oh no, not again..." "Listen Scully, this is important. Ever hear of the practice of Kirkevarer?" "What Captain Kirk did on every shore leave?" "Hey, Kirk's the Man!" "Sure." "ummm...." "Fine. "Okay!" "Whatever." "I'm sorry, all right? "You may continue. I swear, boys and Trek..." "Why, thank you madame. In ancient, well, more like medieval times, you would sacrifice a small animal in the foundations of a building in order to ensure that the building would last. But sometimes on important structures, or ones that needed to last a long time, it was rumored that only a human sacrifice would suffice." "So? "Well, considering the lifespan of American highways, it's amazing that so many old and major bridges have lasted as long as they have." "Which leads you to suspect?" "Well, if you examine the death rates in construction, bridge building is way up there, almost statistically abnormal. I suspect that the practice of Kirkevarer has been expanded to bridge construction." "A construction conspiracy?" "No, not really, more like a gentleman's agreement. Sort of how the cereal monopoly works, they all followed each other's lead." "To do what?" "Well, the vast majority of bridges were made by immigrant workers, and with minimal safety measures, so if one fell in the water, it would be too much bother to recover the body. So without a funeral, the soul of the worker would be trapped at the site of his death." "Okay, so what that has to do with the automotive fatality rate on bridges? "Well, think about this. You are the spirit of construction worker bound into the bridge in order to maintain it, right?" "For the sake of this inane discussion, yes..." "But there is no reason for you to protect the people that ride on it. In fact, your pretty pissed off that you died so they could have convenient ride. You want to exact vengeance somehow, but you can't mess with the bridge, because you are bound to it. But you can have your revenge another way, causing the occasional accident on the bridge to pass the eternity of time." ".............." "Scully?" "You just made that up, didn't you?" "Maybe." "Aaaaargh!" "Oh stop going into shock, I'd think you'd be used to it now." "Every time I think so, you do it again." "Ugh, New Jersey tolls, pass me some change?" "Sure, gimme a sec... hey, why do we need money, we're entering the Jersey Turnpike, we just pick up the ticket." "Umm, right......so much for supplementing my salary." "Mulder, technically you're the department head, you're supposed to be a higher pay grade than me." "Tell that to Skinner. You're the doctor, you must be getting more money that me." "Yeah, but I actually spend some of it stocking my refrigerator." "Ouch, that reminds me, we need to hit the next rest stop, I need some more coffee. Maybe a Danish also." "And then you'll need to go the next rest stop afterwards to use the bathroom" "Probably, hey, the sign said the next rest stop is named for Walt Whitman. "So? "Haven't I ever told you about X-file X46289? "No, which one was that?" "Sightings of the ghost of Walt Whitman. He tends to hit on young boys..." "Mulder..." Author's Notes. 1) Nav-head was a term used in Massachusetts in rural towns beyond the Rt.. 128 circle in the late eighties. I have no idea if it still used. 2) Well, it's not really Delaware's fault. The toll is for the Delaware Bridge, Delaware, Maryland, and the Baltimore Harbor Tunnel is all added together here. But still, when you drive from Albany to D.C., half the toll money is given out in the last 70 miles! So I decided to blame Delaware. Why? Because it's such a small state, what is it going to do to me? 3) Delaware also has on its signs The First State.' Which is a lie. I would think that either Massachusetts or Virginia have that title since they were the first settled. Though that I think both of them are technically Commonwealths, that might explain the temerity of Delaware for claiming the title first state'. 4) I was dishonorably discharged from the MA/NH civil war for fraternizing with the enemy. However, she is really cute, so it's no great loss. 5) There is actually an Walt Whitman stop on the Jersey Pike, though it is southbound about thirty miles from the border.