From: lilxphile@aol.com (Lil XPhile)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.x-files.creative
Subject: New story: Barrier
Date: 4 Nov 1995 11:20:47 -0500


This is the first fanfic I've ever posted to this newsgroup, although it
was sent out through EMXC a while back. So please, I would appreciate
feedback greatly. Thanks a bunch.... Em

Before I get started, there is one important thing to say.
Although it is somewhat mushy, this story is NOT about a
Mulder\Scully romance. It's about their very strong and unique
friendship, which is not really the same thing as a romance (but
definitely close). It's rated T for tame. There's maybe one word
in here that might, in some people's opinions, be considered
inappropriate. One measly word.

* Standard Disclaimer Junk *  This story is based on characters
by CC, Ten Thirteen and Fox Broadcasting, they're used without
permission, and no copyright infringement is intended. The rest
of this tale is my property, but you can pass it around IF you
credit me as the author and don't change anything. Thanks to
Britta, a.k.a. BritSkye, for proofreading and saving me from
making stupid writing errors. She's quite a writer herself.
Thanks to my fellow "X-guys" Caryn, Jill, Chris, Katie, Sara,
and Dave, who really do work miracles. Thanks to my pal Ginger,
a.k.a. GeneveaveC, who listened to me complain and provided help
at the unearthly hour of 11:30 p.m. And last but not least,
thanks to the talented MacSpooky, a.k.a. Mentor Woman, who also
helped me a bunch with editing this. :)

PLEASE send comments, praises, flames, questions, etc. to Lil
XPhile@aol.com. I could use some constructive criticism.

~ BARRIER by Emily Phillips 7\5\95 ~



It was a crisp, clear night, and the thousands of stars in the
pitch-black sky twinkled with a brightness that isn't visible
from any city. Mulder leaned on the railing of the tiny porch
behind his hotel room, drinking in the sights and sounds that
can only exist in the middle of nowhere at midnight. His job
might send him off to some fairly out of the way locations, but
for a night like this one away from the city and its modern
monotony, any length of travel time was well worth it.

He was so relaxed that he didn't notice Scully come out from her
room and take up a similar posture about five feet away from him
on her own porch. "What a gorgeous night," she murmured,
startling him out of his reverie. His gaze fell on her. The
light from the full moon overhead made her auburn hair shine and
her face almost glow, and her eyes were bright and thoughtful. A light 
breeze played with the edges of her blue silk pajamas. His
own overactive imagination could not seem to come up with
anything more beautiful to him at that moment. However, he kept
his feelings to himself, deciding that silence would be far
better than risking their relationship. What if he said
something, and she didn't feel the same way about him? It would
ruin everything they had worked so hard for. And there was
something else that he couldn't quite place a finger on, a vague
feeling of uneasiness that would come over him whenever he
thought about her that way. Keeping his mouth closed about it
definitely seemed wise for the time being, so he chose a
different course. "You can see the Big Dipper from here," he
said, pointing at a spot in the sky.

Scully looked, but couldn't spot anything that even remotely
looked like what might be a dipper. "Where?" she asked, confused.

He pointed again. "There," he said, and seeing that the confused
look had not left her face, he climbed onto her little porch and
pointed toward the constellation. Her eyes followed his arm to
where it pointed.... "Oh," she said, when she at last spotted
the seven stars that formed a dipper shape. They stood together,
unmoving, watching the myriad of stars. Slowly, as if drawn by
some unseen force, they moved closer together, until the two
were in each others arms, her head resting on his chest. He
thought about her, how much he cared for her, how much he would
lose if he lost her... The uneasy feeling began to affect him
again. It was as if his heart and soul had set up a barrier
which wouldn't let him get any closer to her. Abruptly, he
released her from his embrace and moved away slightly. She
looked surprised, almost hurt, and a little worried at his
actions. "Is something wrong?" she asked quietly, moving closer,
but he backed away again. He tried to look nonchalant, as if
nothing had happened. "No, nothing's wrong. I just.... never
mind." He went back over the rail to his own balcony and entered
his hotel room, closing the door behind him.

Surprised and a little hurt, Scully remained outside on the
porch a moment longer before returning to her own room. She lay
down on the bed, turned out the light, and pulled the covers up
over her, but could not fall asleep. Her mind was working
overtime. More and more it began to convince her that Mulder's
actions were her own fault, that she had pushed him into a
situation that he wasn't ready for and maybe didn't want. She
felt guilty for acting on a desire that he didn't share. Her
conscience refused to let her drift off, and she felt it
necessary to apologize to Mulder for her actions. Switching on
the light, she padded over to the door that connected their
rooms. 

A soft knock on the connecting door brought Mulder back from his
thoughts to the real world. He opened the door to find Scully
standing there looking slightly embarrassed. "Can I come in for
a second?" she asked him, looking at the floor. In answer he
moved out of the way, letting her enter the room, and shut the
door behind her. Although he couldn't see her clearly in the
darkened room, he saw that she was wringing her hands nervously,
like a little girl who has stolen cookies from the kitchen
before dinner and gotten caught by her mother. "Mulder," she
began, then paused to find words. "Mulder, I'm sorry for forcing
you into something you didn't want, but I just... well, I guess
I acted inappropriately and I'm sorry." She still would not meet
his gaze for a moment, but when she did he was shaking his head
and smiling. "What?" she asked him.

"I must be wearing off on you," he said. "You're developing an
overly guilty conscience. I thought it was my job to blame
everything on myself." His grin remained for a moment, then
faded, and he turned towards the window. 

"Well, if it's not me or something I did, then what was really
wrong? And don't say 'nothing'. It's too late for that." Scully
remained where she was, giving him space, yet refusing to let
him ignore her question. He remained at the window, with his
back to her, for a long time. Then, when she was beginning to
think he had fallen asleep on his feet, he turned.

For a moment, there was utter silence in the room, until the
sound of his voice interrupted the quiet spell. Mulder spoke
hesitantly at first; even after thinking about it for a long
time, he still wasn't sure of exactly what he wanted to say.
"Scully, I don't think I have to tell you how much my sister
meant to me. She was the only person I loved, and the only
person who loved me back. Losing her broke my heart. She took a
little piece of my very being with her. It hurt me so much that
I didn't want to love anyone else ever again, because there was
always a chance that I would lose them too and have to feel that
pain again...... And then I met you." He paused. "I finally
discovered someone else who would care about me the way Sam had,
and I let myself care about another human being for the first
time since I was a kid. The wall around my heart, that I had
built as a child because of Samantha, started to come down. And
then you disappeared, and I got a little reminder of what it was
like to lose a loved one. It was different with you, though. You
came back. After you returned I wanted to keep you safe, and
make sure that I never lost you again. I wanted to lock you away
in a room where no harm could ever come to you, just to protect
myself from suffering if you were hurt or killed. I realize how
selfish that was. It might have saved you, but you wouldn't have
been happy. I had to trust that you could protect yourself, and
the rational part of me knows you can. Unfortunately, the
romantic part of me is more pessimistic." Again, he stopped
briefly to let his words sink in, moving towards Scully at the
same time. "Just a little while ago, when we were outside, my
rational side took a back seat and I started to loosen up, until
I saw this." Mulder's fingers reached out, gently brushing the
golden cross that hung from the thin chain about her neck. "It
was just a little reminder of that one time, when you were gone,
but it was enough. All the pain, all the depression, it all came
back to me. And it seemed like a moment of pleasure now would
never compensate for the pain I would feel if you weren't there
later."

He flopped down on the bed, his head landing on the pillow
soundlessly, and he closed his eyes. 

Scully sat in silence at the end of the bed, unmoving. Very
rarely did Mulder expose his feelings. And when he did, it was
usually a little comment, or a change in facial expression.
Nothing like what he had just done. At last, she knew he loved
her, too; that was something she had wondered about for ages,
and she didn't know what to say about it. Most likely there was
nothing to say, nothing that could match the flood of feelings
that he had let go. So she sat in silence, waiting for something
to end the horrible quiet that was between her and Mulder.

"So what do you think?" Mulder's voice startled her, and she
jumped. "Am I being stupid about the whole thing?" He sat up,
and leaned forward slightly.

"I... I don't know," she faltered, not sure of what to say. "I
can understand why you would feel the way you do--"

He cut her off. "You do think I'm being stupid."

"No, no, not at all!" she said hastily, defensively. He stared
at her, and she hung her head, staring at the blankets on the
bed. "Well, yes. I guess I just think you should loosen up. What
happened to your sister is not going to happen to everyone you
care about."

"But so far, it has." Mulder didn't seem too happy with her
words, and she couldn't blame him. It wasn't exactly what you
should tell someone who has just poured their heart out to you.

"Not quite," she said. She looked at him. "I came back. And I
doubt I'll be kidnapped by two psychos in this lifetime. That's
usually a one time thing."

"Not in your job, it isn't." He cracked a smile. "You're
probably right. Maybe I have been silly about it."

"Wait, run that by me again," Scully said.

"What?" Mulder asked her.

"The 'You're probably right' part," Scully said. "God, does it
feel good to hear that."

Her tone quieted. "I'm serious about what I said before, Mulder.
Just enjoy life a little. You won't always lose the people you
love." She grimaced. "All this sappy talk; we're starting to
sound like a TV soap opera."

Mulder grinned. "Are you crazy? They'd never put us on
television."

She smiled back at him. "Maybe not." She had a feeling that
Mulder's problem was resolved, at least for the time being. 

Mulder got up off the bed, and walked towards the glass doors
that led towards the porch. "C'mon," he said. She followed him,
curious. He led her outside, over the rail and onto the grass,
where he lay down and stretched out, and motioned for her to do
the same. Seeing her confused look, he propped himself up on his
elbows and pointed to the sky. "Stargazing," he explained. "This
is the greatest time of night and the greatest part of the
country to see stars."  With an exaggerated sigh, she stretched
out on the grass and stared up at the sky. For almost an hour
they lay there, with Mulder pointing out all the real
constellations and making up some of his own. Fortunately the
hotel was almost empty, because they were making quite a bit of
noise. Mulder was pointing out "Alice the Camel" when a few dark
clouds scudded across the sky. Before long there were icy
raindrops falling. The two raced inside the hotel as fast as
possible as the drizzle turned into a downpour.

"Mulder, call me crazy, but I don't think there's any
constellation named Sonic the Hedgehog," Scully said, giggling.
"And the one you called Bonnie and Clyde was actually Gemini." 

Mulder made a hurt face. "Well, I like my names better."

Their laughter died down, and they stood there, hand in hand.
Mulder saw his partner with new eyes. Her hair was tousled and
had several blades of grass caught in it, and her pajamas were
wrinkled and damp in several spots from the rain. But Mulder saw
only a person who had destroyed the barrier that had shielded
his heart and soul for twenty-two years. And for the first time
in twenty-two years, he was really happy. He could handle any
problem that came at him, as long as this person was by his
side. Mulder had found the thing that he had feared for so long-
love. 

There was no need for physical passion or romance. Just simple
eye contact spoke volumes for both. Through their eyes their
souls communicated, speaking a language which no spoken word
could ever capture. Worries, reassurances, questions, answers;
all of it passed between the two without a single sound. In each
moment that passed the bond between the two souls grew stronger
until it formed a connection that could be severed by nothing.
The "barrier" had fallen forever.

They turned the love seat in the room around to face the glass
doors, and for a long time they sat and watched the rain fall
outside. The conversation went from steady to sporadic and then
to silence as Scully drifted off, her head resting on Mulder's
shoulder. He lifted her sleeping figure and carried her
carefully through the door back to her own room, then set her
carefully on the bed and pulled the covers up over her. He
looked tenderly down at her face, then brushed a tendril of
copper hair off her cheek and kissed her goodnight. Quietly he
returned to his own room, stretching out on his own bed and
falling asleep more easily than was normal for him. For the
first time in weeks, no nightmares troubled him. 



~ The End ~
Em (X-Phile extraordinaire - the name says it all... Lil XPhile@aol.com)
**Melissketeers Join Together**