Title: The Avocado Jungle: 3/? Authors: Iaman A. Lien & Astroturf Woodchuck Feedback: iamanalien42@hotmail.com or LezzeL@aol.com Rating: Probably PG-13, because of a little language Cateogry: M/S,A,H,C nothing they do is real romance so it doesn't count! Let's just say- safe for everyone! Keywords: Mulder/Scully, Crossover: with everything-known-to-man Archive/Distribution: We'd be so flattered if you cared! Just keep our names and e-mails attached! Also let one of us know, so we can visit! Spoilers: This tries to make references, but I guess it does spoil a few things about the conspiracy, I think The Blessing Way and Emily and uh...a few others... Disclaimer: Hey! All of the freaky, whacked out, kooky characters in this ficticious, and very psychotic story are, surprisingly not ours! Mulder, Scully, Skinner, Krycek, and the X-Files belong to CC and 1013 Productions! The most adorably cute ring tailed lemur happy meal toy would have to belong to McDonalds, no infringement intended there either. And as for the MMMbop lyrics... well, as well as the fact that we certainly do not want to take any credit for them, those are Hanson's, they made them up all by themselves in a little room while chomping on some very delicious dill pickles (mmm mmm good) ! Okay, the second half of that last sentence, to the extent of our knowledge, is completely untrue and should not be construed (boy, construed is a fun word, isn't it? Kinda sounds like streudel!) in any other way, shape or form! Okay, it's finally over... (whew!) The Avocado Jungle: 3/? By: Iaman A. Lien & Asroturf Woodchuck ---------------------------------------------------- Scully pulled up in front of Mulder's apartment. They had left the bureau and agreed that she would come to pick him up. He had forgotten a few things. "Hey, Spooky!" she yelled, honking the horn. Mulder poked his head out the window, bumping it on the ledge. "Ow!" he exclaimed. "Spooky!" Scully called again, repressing a giggle. "What?" he yelled. "Come down here!" Mulder shrugged. "Okay." He hopped out the window and climbed with surprising agility down the side of the building. Scully shrugged. "Get in," she said. "Why?" he asked, confused. "Because!" Mulder adopted an impatient tone, the pitch he spoke in much higher than usual. "Scully, because is not a good reason!" "Eeeeeeew!" Scully held her nose. "You sound like my mother!" Mulder slapped himself across the face, speaking normally again. "Boy, that's better. Now, what did you want?" "Get in." She stated simply. "Why?" he asked, confused. "I am not going through this again!" she muttered. Reaching back, she grabbed a tupperware container and threw the contents at Mulder. Instead of a block of cheese, Mulder was hit in the head with a pile of liquidy velveeta. "Darnit!" Scully exclaimed. "What?" Mulder asked, immediately getting in the car. "Wasn't petrified yet, oh well...." she said watching the melted cheese run down his face. "So, where are we going?" "Where else? A chinese restaurant!" she replied. Ahhhh, the couches! Mulder thought, drawing the obvious conclusion. I can finally find out why hot dogs come in packages of eight and hot dog buns in packages of ten! Scully thought, drawing the obvious conclusion. Mulder looked at the clock. "Scully, it's three a.m. Why are we still wearing pink?" Scully slammed on the brakes. "Mulder, look at the sky! It's so ozone depleted, it's pink all the time!" "Ahhhh, camouflage!" Mulder replied. "No, I just like pink. But it's pretty convenient, isn't it?" Mulder shrugged. "Why pink? I mean no offense, but pink isn't the greatest color on red-heads." Suddenly, Scully screamed, again slamming on the brakes. Although it didn't do much good, because as it was they were already completely stopped. Mulder looked over at her, his eyes frantic. "Is it the couches? It's the couches, isn't it? Where's my couchie?? Did you see it?" "No," she said, frantically unbelting herself. "I think I just saw Bono!" She bolted out of the car, running down the street, screaming, "Come here, Bono! Scully's waiting! Bono! Who yo' momma, Bono? Who yo' momma?" Mulder sighed. Maybe someday he'd get the nerve up to tell her of his secret U2 obsession. Maybe he'd even show her the.... no, it was too early for that.... In a minute, Scully showed up, out of breath. "It wasn't Bono," she said sadly. "Who was it?" "Actually it was a strange teenage boy yelling 'MMMbop' at the top of his lungs! It was tempting, but...." "Nothing's quite the same as Bono," Mulder finished. Scully glanced at him, one eyebrow arched. He quickly fashioned an uninterested look on his face. -x-X-x- Upon arrival at the neighborhood chinese restaurant.... "How many?" asked the host. Mulder and Scully looked around the room, spotting a nice orange vinyl futon in the corner, a very nice couch, Mulder noted. "What do you know about couches?" Scully grilled. "Uh, gee, I just see two heading to strip marl, you know.... the one down street!" "Of course!" Mulder replied. "But how were they being moved?" "Fuhwuh skeenny men, raughing very roud! They had one man wif a scarf around heese head. Yes, I see go down street!" Mulder and Scurly looked at each other, yelling in unison, "Let's go!" -x-X-x- At an undisclosed location... The leader of the group sat down, and pulled out a cigarette. The others sat around him in a circle, there were four others, and the prisoner. They didn't usually keep the prisoners in the apartment with them, they were usually kept in the basement. After his cigarette was lit, he took a long slow puff. He exhaled the smoke as it circled around his head like hippos in a water ballet. "What do you know about them?" he asked the prisoner, in a tone that implied he had dressed in tutus as a child. He said nothing, his head hung limply at his chest. Small pieces of an orangey substance decorated his head like ornaments on a Christmas advent wreath. "You have nothing to say?" he demanded, like a teacher of a fifteen year old third grader. Still, the man gave no answer. He just was silently adamant, much like a dog who wished he could do a cartwheel. "He's worthless, send him back to where we got him." He ordered as smugly as the king of a small third world nation. -x-X-x- Meanwhile, back with Mulder and Scully... Gosh, Scully really looks bad in pink. You think she might have learned something from Julia Robert's character in that Best Friend's whatever movie. She wore a pink dress with red hair and looked very bad. Why doesn't Scully wear green more often? I love it when Scully wears green. It always looks nice with the wallpaper at my twice-removed-third uncle's house. "Mulder, what are you thinking about?" She queried. "Nothing much, just why shoes have soles and not hearts." "Mulder, you are really stupid." "Am not." "Are too." "Am not." "Are too." "Am not." "Are too." "Am not." "Are too." "Am not." "Are too." "Am not." "Are too." "Am not." "Mulder you are acting like a two and a half year old. I should know, I'm a single 34 year old catholic." Scully replied in a rather dogmatic tone of voice. "So?" "Sew buttons on your underwear." "You." "Monkey face." "Scully, I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you." "Yeah? Well...sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me." At that moment, they both felt an uncontrollable pull towards each other. Mulder grabbed Scully, and threw her madly against...her car seat...which she was already in...so he pretty much just squished her. "Oh Mulder!" They couldn't wait a moment longer. Their lips locked in a passionate kiss. This lasted for, oh, four and a half minutes. "You want to go have some....what time is it?" "I don't know." She replied, not bothering to look at her watch, Mulder's watch, or the car clock, "But I do know how we can find out." "How?" "Well Mulder, we go to MacDonneld's and try to order a cheesburger. If they let us have one, it's after 10:30 am, if not its before 10:30 am." "Scully, you're a genius! No wonder you won the Bureau Spelling Bee!" "Thanks Mulder!" -x-X-x- As the two boisterous agents walked into the MacDonneld's both decidedly in the mood for tuba music, they approached the counter. There are no couches in here noted Mulder with disdain. Scully noticed they didn't have any hot dog buns, but plenty of pickle relish. Curious. The young worker at the counter recognized the pair, and quickly hid behind the counter. Mulder screamed. "Where'd he go?" "What?" Scully asked, confused. "The boy, he disappeared! What if he knows where my sister is?!?" Scully decided not to take any chances. She ran back to the kitchen and grabbed all the slices of American cheese that had already been cooked, and chucked them at Mulder's head. He quickly calmed down. Then the boy popped back up. "C-c-an I hhhelp you?" he stuttered. "Yes," Mulder said politely. "Can I have a cheeseburger?" Before the boy had time to answer, Scully came from the kitchen and shouted, "Wait! We don't need to be here! There's a clock in your car.... and if I'm right, it should tell us the time it is when we look at it!" During this, the boy discreetly crawled to the back door should the agents get in another brawl. "That's brilliant! You're the best speller I've ever met!" Mulder shouted. Scully smiled. "Gee, thanks!" -x-X-x- Back at the undisclosed location..... The smoking man put out his cigarette. And for some reason, it was now obvious that smoking man was actually a woman. The hippos of smoke must have blocked her face, thought one of the real men. "Who are you?" the woman asked, addressing the men sitting around her. "We.... uh, we.... wouldn't be the uh..... spanish, um.... the spanish inquisition," one mumbled. By reflex, another repiled with, "Who said that? Don't play games with me! Our chief weapons are-" but was sharply cut off. Yet another began to rattle off names of cheeses and still another began to hum a song about Chinese people that didn't imply them to be short.* She glanced around, these were the men doing the dirty work for her, but they didn't seem at all competent. The woman got frustrated. "I'm coming back later! I have to go make pot holders out of road kill!" -x-X-x- Mulder and Scully had actually made it back to their car and discovered that the digital clock contained inside of it actualy did tell the time. "Mulder! Its 5:85!" "Scully! Its 2:32! But wait! Oh dear Lord! How will we ever now whether it is am or pm?" Scully bit her lip in agony, there must be a way. If only my father, Ahab, were here, he would know what to do. He'd call me Starbuck, and all of our problems would be solved. Mulder seemingly reading Scully's thoughts replied, And my sister! If she were only here to say shut up stupid head, I wouldn't ever need to question my sexual preference again. They looked at each other, knowing that they had to find out if it was am or pm or neither of them would live to see another day... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ *The phrase "didn't imply them to be short" should not be construedled in any way, shape, or form as meaning that the song actually didn't mention short people. Thank you :o)