DISCLAIMER: Mulder, Scully, the X-files and the all of the show's characters I mention as well as any direct or indirect references to X-files program episodes and scenarios are the intellectual and financial property of their creater, Chris Carter, 1013 Products and the Fox Network. Absolutely no infringement is intended. Udgie is the property of...well, I don't really know, she is the product of a rumor circulating AOL, about Mulder's character getting involved with a UDG (undesirable date girl etc.) I took the rumor and ran away with it, creating a fictional-fictional character that I love to hate. This story is intended for the exclusive enjoyment of EMXC members and all EMXC policies regarding redistribution and copyright protection should be upheld. This story is a treatise as to why (in my humble opinion) a UDG won't work--and the sentence you're currently reading is about as serious as the story will ever get. A *Warning* to anti-relationshippers -- this story may not be for you, although it is not by any means a typical relationship story, so please read on if only out of sake of curiosity. Rated PG for very minor sexual innuendo, adult languare and UST. "Udgie McSludgie, Ultimate Dream Girl Extrordinaire" by MaryAnn Bisaccia (MAPBISAC@AOL) August 31, 1996 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Saturday, 10:00 pm Apartment of Dana Scully Dana Scully heaved an exasperated sigh as she shoved a bookmark into the novel she had been unsuccessfully trying to read for the past half hour and tossed it on her nightstand. Looking wistfully at the title she had been looking forward to reading all week, "Dramatizations of Hemorrhagic Fever Outbreaks," she silently berated herself for allowing her mind to wander into one of the thought-zones she recently named off-limits. "Udgie," she said aloud with a tone of disdain in her voice as she stood and stretched. "Couldn't he at least choose someone with a normal name?" She walked into her living room and absently flopped on the couch, clicking on the television to CNN. The drone of Bernard Shaw's voice made her feel a little less alone, but it didn't stop her line of thought -- Mulder's new girlfriend. How did he meet her? She never directly asked him, feeling vaguely hurt at the idea that he was actively looking for a "special someone" to spend his off hours with. She tried to imagine him sitting in a singles bar, but the only image her mind conjured up was of Mulder wearing a fushia polyester shirt open halfway to show his gold chain with a silver alien medallion, sipping a drink with a paper umbrella. She smiled at the image, allowing her mind to further elaborate as Mulder struts up to some tall, leggy bimbo and asks, "Hey baby, ever find a metal implant up your nose?" The blinking red light on her answering machine caught her eye and rescued her from her reverie. "Damn," Scully muttered, "I always forget to check that thing." She pushed the play button and listened. Her dry-cleaner saying to come pick up her suits; her brother calling to arrange a date to play Stratego; her dentist's office reminding her of an appointment for a cleaning-- the usual stuff. "The dentist!" she shouted, and then silently thought, "THAT explains it." Scully remembered Mulder slipping away on his lunch hour a few weeks ago to get his teeth cleaned. He'd been acting loopy ever since. That must have been when he met Udgie. It all made perfect sense. Mulder had been dreading the appointment, having developed a distaste for gleaming sharp metal instruments, and he said himself that lying in a dentist's chair made him feel extremely vulnerable. Udgie must be his dental hygienist. She made her move as he lay there helpless, unable to protest with his poor, sensuous--SENSITIVE (she corrected her Freudian slip) mouth filled with heat-sterilized stainless steel and synthetic cotton. Scully thought back to the various women Mulder seemed attracted to since she knew him. Dr. Bambi. Detective White. Kirsten the Vampire (or so he said). Hell, even the Jersey Devil Beast Woman seemed to captivate his attention. All assertive women, to put it mildly. He must like the pushy type she thought, wishing she didn't walk out on her Dale Carnegie seminar. Scully knew she was treading a danagerous path now. She was consciously aknowledging her long-lived attraction to her partner, and even criticizing herself for not acting on it earlier. She glanced at her reflection in the mirror with a critical eye. "Too short. I'm definitely too short," she thought. She inhaled, expanding her chest as far as she could. She'd always wished she was more well-endowed, ever since Melissa caught her when she was eleven adding a little padding to her training bra. She sighed again, trying to conjure up an image of Udgie in her mind--dental hygienist by day, Pamela Sue Baywatch by night. She must be incredibly beautiful to have held Mulder's attention for 3 full weeks. Definitely a babe, and her vulnerable partner became lust-stricken, pure and simple, a victim of his own rampaging hormones. "But she can't be perfect," Scully thought as she turned on her computer. I'm going to check the on-line version of "Who's Who in Dental Hygientics" and see if I can dig up any dirt. She was disappointed to find that Udgie McSludgie was the recipient of numerous professional awards and citations in her field, although she jotted down a quick note of an affiliation that struck her as a little curious: "Honorary Member of the American Association of Professional Plastic Surgeons." Scully frowned, a little discouraged to find that Udgie was not apparently the bimbo she first imagined her to be. After the physical attraction wore off, he'd still be intrigued by her intelligience. "Well, at least I can compete in that arena," Scully thought as she turned off her computer and got ready for bed. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Monday Night, 2:15 a.m. Commuter Parking Lot off I-95, Maryland After a long day of trying to obtain a search warrant for a suspect that claims to be in possession of Jimmy Hoffa newly returned by aliens from Venus, Scully and Mulder wait in their car for the suspect's suspected rendevous with a reputed organized crime leader. Scully is irritable, having spent a good part of her day listening to her parnter prattle on about the endearing charms of his new girlfiend. She is ready to snap, as Mulder keeps making loud, slurpy popping noises by chewing a large wad of bubblegum. Scully looks at Mulder with an expressionless face that manages to say so much and asks, "Do you have to keep popping that bubblegum?" Mulder, looking both contrite and amuzed says, "Sorry, Udgie says sunflower seeds will give me periodontal disease." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Wednesday Night 1:30 a.m. Another Commuter Parking Lot off I-95 in Maryland The stakeout for the man claiming to be in possession of Jimmy Hoffa is resumed after a false arrest Monday night. (It was the Lindburgh baby that was returned by aliens from Venus, and the search warrant wouldn't hold up in court.) After listening for two days about the subtleties of Udgie's salt and pepper shaker collection, Scully is exhausted and falls asleep, her limp head drifting precariously close to Mulder's shoulder, when someone raps on the car window. Startled, Mulder opens the window to receive a brown bag lunch, compliments of Udgie. Scully is offended, not because Udgie inconsiderately forgot to pack any thing for her, but because Udgie clearly was not pleased that Mulder had a strand of red hair on his shoulder. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Thursday Evening, 7:36 p.m. A Ledge on the 10th Storey of The RCA Building New York City Scully has followed a suspect who claims to be in possession of Elvis, returned by aliens from Venus, into the RCA building with a SWAT team. Mulder, meanwhile, is dangling on the ledge of the 10th storey having followed on the heals of the Cigarette Smoking Man, Alex Krycek (returned from a missle silo in North Dakota by aliens from Venus), and a real-live bleeping alien holding the DAT tape within arms reach. His cell phone rings, and thinking it's Scully, he manages to pull out the antenna with his teeth and push the buttons with his nose while still hanging on to the ledge with one hand. It's Udgie, reminding him to pick up some more dental floss on his way home. "And by the way dear, I hope you're not answering your phone with your teeth again. It'll give you periodontal disease." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Tuesday Night 10:28 p.m. St. Louis Airport After following the suspect who claims he's in possession of Jimmy Hoffa returned by aliens from Venus to 4 major cities, Mulder and Scully are finally hot on the trail of an alien from Venus possessing the ability to morph into the forms of Jimmy Hoffa, the Lindburgh baby, Elvis and JFK. They need to take the next express flight to follow their suspect from St. Louis to DC. Mulder turns to Scully as they run through the airport, guns drawn, hurdling rows of plastic chairs. He says breathlessly, "Scully, I need a big favor. Could you buy a "little something" for Udgie from Victoria's Secret?" Scully stops in her tracks and looks at her partner incredulously. "WHAT? We've only a few minutes to catch that plane!" Mulder, changing his expression to be one that somehow mimics a lost puppy and pleads, "I know, I have to find salt & pepper shakers shaped like the St. Louis Arch for Udgies collection." Scully, always the helpful partner, buys Udgie an ankle-length plaid flannel nightgown with 10 buttons closing up the neck. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Monday, 8:45 a.m. FBI Headquarter, Washington DC The small group of FBI agents hanging around the water cooler in the hallway looked up as the heard the quick click-clack of a woman's high heals coming towards them. They quickly averted their glances and dispersed when they saw the expression on Special Agent Scully's face as she walked determinedly down the hall. The woman was NOT in a good mood, and word was out among other agents that it was prudent to give her a wide berth when she was on the warpath. Scully, completely oblivious to her fellow agent's reaction, stormed into Mulder's office and demanded to know if he gave Frohike her home phone number again. She was disturbed by a heavy breather calling all night. Mulder categorically denied having anything to do with it, but silently remembered Udgie being short of breath the night before, blaming her condition on breathing too much second-hand nitrous oxide at work. Scully, apparently satisfied with Mulder's denial, brightened and said, "By the way Mulder, nice tie." Her partner blushed slightly as he fingered the silk tie. "Udgie's helping me color coordinate my wardrobe. She says pink pigs match everything." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Tuesday, 7:30 a.m. Outside Scully's Apartment Dana Scully gathered up her briefcase and keys and headed towards her car. Having overslept after being disturbed by the heavy breather the previous night, she had not had any coffee yet, and she allowed herself to daydream a bit as she slowly joined the ranks of the fully awake. "I wonder how Udgie feels about me?" she thought. As partners, she and Mulder spent at least five days a week together, often more, especially when they were on the road. She grinned as she thought, "Either she's very secure or very jealous." Her grin quickly sagged to a frown as she looked at her car. All four tires had been slashed. She pulled out her cell phone and proceeded to call her indispensible colleague Danny at the FBI for help. Danny arrived in front of Scully's apartment in 15 minutes, handy dandy briefcase field lab in hand. He bent down and looked carefully at the slashmarks in the tires, then ran a small hand- held device that could have been a Sony walkman as far as Scully could tell through each of the four slashes. He smiled and straightened up. "Did you get anything?" Scully asked. "Sure thing, Agent Scully. The instrument of destruction was a periodontal probe. You wouldn't know of any crazed dentists in your neighborhood..." "You'd be surprised," Scully answered. Very secure or very jealous, she thought. Sure got that right. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Wednesday, 9:14 a.m. F.B.I. Headquarters, Washington DC The casual click-clack of a woman's high heals caused a small group of FBI agents hanging around the water cooler in the hallway to look up. They all smiled cordially as Dana Scully walked by, tupperware container in hand. "Good morning, Mulder," Scully said brightly as she walked into the office. "Morning, Scully," Mulder replied, looking surprised. There was quite a change in her mood from yesterday, when she barrelled into work late, blaming her slashed tires on his new girlfriend, Udgie. Guess she got over it, he mused. "What's in the tupperware container?" he asked. "Brownies. I made them last night as kind of a peace offering for Udgie. I'm sorry I called her those names." Mulder smiled. "I forgot them all already. Except for 'plaque plucking floss tossing queen of the rinse and spitting tire slasher'," he added with a mischievous grin. Scully blushed. "I was overtired." "Well, thanks for the brownies. Udgie will love these! Brownies are her favorite--they're the baked good least likely to cause plaque formation on your teeth!" Scully smiled, remembering the secret ingredient she added to the mix. Ex-Lax -- the taste is barely perceptible in something chocolate. "Yeah, she'll enjoy these. All that sugar and stuff is bound to keep a busy dental hygenist on the go." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Thursday, 10:00 a.m. F.B.I. Headquarter, Washington, DC Mulder and Scully were poring over case notes about the alien that alledgedly could morph into the likeness of Jimmy Hoffa, the Lindburgh baby, Elvis, JFK and Morton Downey, Jr. "This is a classic X-file, Scully," Mulder said. "I'm not quite ready to accept the fact that we're dealing with an alien here, Mulder." "How could you say that after what you've seen?" "I'm a doctor, remember? Plastic surgery has made some huge advances in recent years." Mulder frowned. He absently fingered his tie with the neon-green palm trees while staring blankly. Scully noticed his change in mood. "Did I say something wrong?" "No, no. It's just that Udgies old boyfriend is a gifted plastic surgeon." Scully recalled discovering Udgie's honorary membership in the American Association of Plastic Surgeons. "You think we should call him for a medical consult to the case?" Mulder replied irritably, "If you want to call him, call him. That's you're territory." Scully frowned. Guess I pushed a button, she thought. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Friday, 3:30 a.m. Dana Scully's Apartment Scully thrashed in her sleep, obviously in the throes of a very bad dream. First she dreamt of Mulder calling her from a town in Massachusetts infested with cockroaches. He asks her, "Scully, could you call Udgie and tell me what she's wearing?" Shifting uncomfortably and burying her head under a pillow, she dreams of being in a Florida prison, where Mulder is convinced that an executed convict has returned from the dead. He asks her, "If you could come back and avenge 5 people who caused you pain, who would they be?" She replies, "Five? I only need one." Tossing her blanket to the floor, she dreams of Mulder calling her from New York. He tells her, "Scully, meet me at the airport in an hour and get 3 tickets to North Dakota." She asks, "What's in North Dakota?" He replies, "The 32nd Annual Salt and Pepper Shaker Collectors Convention, and oh yeah, a salvaged UFO." Knocking her bedside alarm clock to the floor, she dreams of Mulder approaching Jeramiah Smith and pulling out what he thinks is the ice pick-like alien killing device--but wait, it's a dental probe? A post-it note is attached, saying, "Found the new probe you were saving for my birthday! How thoughtful, but I thought I'd take it to work and file it down a bit, it's awfully sharp. Keep this old one as a token of my undying affection, Udgie." She bolts upright in bed with a gasp. The last dream was the most frightening of all. She and Mulder are in Bob Modell's hospital room where he lays dying. They are speaking comfortingly to each other, relieved to be both alive and together. Scully reaches for her partner's hand and get's a reassuring squeeze from...."Udgie? What are you doing here?" Udgie replies nonchalantly, "Your boss, A.D. Skooter told me I'd find you here. I was going to take Fox out for an ice cream sundae, want to join us Deena?" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Friday, 8:20 p.m. Dana Scully's Apartment Scully is sitting on her couch, comfortably eating double chocolate chip ice cream from the carton and watching her favorite TV show, "The Operation" on the Discovery Channel, when Mulder calls her. "Scully, can we talk?" Scully shoots a confused look at her phone. "Where's Udgie?" "That's what I want to talk about. She's......changed." "What do you mean?" "Udgie is pudgy." "So you're going to let a few pounds bother you?" "It's not like that. Udgie isn't what she seemed to be. Her silicone implants kindof exploded." "What?" "...and her gluteal enhancements are sagging big time." "That would be upsetting. So you're upset she's been dishonest with you?" "Yes! And she's stuck in my bathtub!" "Mulder, are you sure you want to talk to ME about this? You know I've had a little grudgy against Udgie since she slashed my tires." "Now's not the time to judgie Udgie, I need some help!" "Doing what? Do you want me to come over and nudgie Udgie out of your tub?" "I've tried to nudgie Udgie, but she won't budgie!" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Friday 8:57 p.m. Fox Mulder's Apartment Scully quickly rushes to Mulder's aid, and with a little olive oil and elbow grease, ease Udgie out of his tub. The "cosmetically-augmented-impaired" Udgie, who claims that her plastic improvements were insidiously set to self-destruct by her old cosmetic surgeon boyfiend, squeezes into her plaid flannel nightgown and stalks out of the apartment. Mulder stands shirtless, his chest glistening with olive oil and heaving from exertion. Scully quickly averts her eyes when she realizes he has caught her staring. She then realizes that her shirt is also saturated with oil, clinging to her torso in a way that's much more revealing than she wishes it to be. Mulder speaks first. "Scully, this thing with Udgie..." Scully shifts around uncomfortably. "Forget about it, Mulder. It's none of my business." Mulder lift's Scully's greasy chin so her gaze meets his. "I'm sorry that I made it your business. I didn't know who else to call." He pauses to assess the damage. "What a mess. Hold on a second while I get something to clean this up." Scully surveys the bathroom, always the agent searching for clues. Her eyes move to the sink, where a single toothbrush hangs in its holder. "Now that's bizarre," Scully thinks. "If Udgie's so big on dental hygeine, where's her..." Her thoughts are interrupted by a warm, nuzzling sensation on the back of her neck. Something moist and firm (a tongue?) skitters across the nape, right over the sensitive spot where the computer chip implant once was, making her involuntarily shudder (her "C" spot?) The sensation makes her stiffen--NOW was not the time or place for THIS to happen. Scully protestingly asks, "Mulder?...." "Sorry about that Scully" was his reply, inexplicably sounding quite distant from where she was standing. The licking sensation at her neck, however, continued. Mulder shouts, "Get down you beast!" as he grabs a fist-full of curly black hair. Scully gasps and turns to see a large standard poodle, now obliviously licking olive-oil from the side of the bath tub. "Sorry, Scully. Meet Udgie's dog, Fudgie." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Friday, 10:41 p.m. Fox Mulder's Apartment Mulder snaps his handcuffs on Udgie's dog Fudgie's collar and attaches him to his heavy desk. He goes back to his bathroom to assist the oil-soaked Scully in the clean-up. He looks upon her, all oil-soaked and disheveled from the whole fiasco, scrubbing away, and for a brief moment the only thought on his mind was how attractive Scully could look even on a bad day, when that pleasant thought was replaced by a much more revolting one. "Scully, all this oily stuff, you don't think any of it is Udgies, umm..." he pauses, trying to find the politically correct term to describe the most intimate part of Udgies anatomy. Scully offers, "You mean silicone?" "Yes!" he replies, stifling a gag. "No, I'm sure none of it leaked out into your tub. It's obvious from her appearance that all the silicone is still trapped subcutaneously, although there's no telling what kind of effects all the silicone could have on her health, not to mention her emotional stability....." The ringing phone interrupts their conversation. Mulder motions to Scully to let his machine pick up the call. A standard message plays, followed by a series of beeps. A tinny voice speaks: "Fox, it's Udgie. You made a big mistake by calling that Deena Skilly of all people to come rescue me. And I'll have you know that my current physical appearance is nothing more than a temporary inconvenience. I recently completed a six-week seminar on "Do-It-Yourself Cosmetic Augmentation Repair" and I've got my patch kit out in front of me. I'll be back, Fox. I don't just walk out on the love of my life--tell my sweet Fudgie-wudgie that Mumsy will be over in an hour to get him. And one last thing, Fox, I want my salt and pepper shakers shaped like the Seattle Space Noodle back." As the message abruptly cuts off, Scully studies Mulder's face, a portrait of confusion, pain and amusement. She wanted to touch him, comfort him, but instead only managed to say, "You want these for anything?" Mulder awkwardly took the square, foil-wrapped packages from her hand and then asked increduously, "Polident tablets?" "I guess her teeth are about as authentic as her body enhancements. I suppose that explains why there's only one toothbrush in your holder..." "Yeah, that's mine. Hey wait, you don't think that I actually let Udgie stay here in my apartment..." "Well I just assumed since you two seemed so close..." "This was the first time she was ever here. She said her water main broke and she needed a bath and Fudgie was dehydrated." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Friday Night A Smoky, Wood-Paneled Meeting Room in New York City The Consortium of Evil was meeting. A younger man with a goatee approached the other with a tray of fine china cups and saucers and asks, "Anyone for more YooHoo?" The men conversed as they accepted their beverages. "So things seem to be working between Mr. Mulder and his new girlfriend?" "So it would appear. Our operatives in DC informed us that the rupture in the water main serving her apartment seems to have achieved the desired effect. She rushed immediately to his apartment." "You'd say she's getting under his skin?" "Or gingival tissue, to be more precise. She's a dental hygenist." "And you think she can be bought?" "Everyone has their price." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Friday, 11:00 p.m. Fox Mulder's Apartment Scully and Mulder were sitting silently side by side on his couch, his bathroom now sparkling clean thanks to Dows Scrubbing Bubbles. Scully looked at Mulder and took a deep breath. "I didn't mean to be presumptuous about you and Udgie. I'm really sorry things didn't work out for you two." Gotta remember THAT little white lie the next time I go to confession, Scully thought, not feeling sorry at all. "It's a good thing all of this happened when it did, or I might have actually...," he let loose an involuntary shudder. Scully stared at her partner wide-eyed. "You actually expect me to believe that you two never actually...." "NO! I mean, it's not like I wouldn't have at one time, but things kept happening." "What do you mean?" "Well, for one, she wouldn't even let me kiss her until I swore off sunflower seeds. She said it was like kissing a bird-feeder." "Oh." "And one night, I actually thought we were going to .... get closer, when she had a sudden attack of intestinal flu." Scully averted her head so Mulder couldn't see her smile. The Ex-Lax Brownies worked, she thought. "My life certainly has been bizarre since I met Udgie." "Certainly your behavior has been. I haven't seen you act this strange since that DAT tape first fell into your hands." "Would you mind checking my soft-water filtration system?" Scully smiled, and Mulder wondered for the first time how his involvement with Udgie may have made her feel. He reached for her hand, determined to once and for all have that long-forbidden conversation about where professional respect beginds to overlap personal attraction. He was stopped in mid action by a loud knock at his door. The door swung open, and there stood Udgie, by no means pudgy in her form-fitting leopard-spot leotard. Mulder and Scully stared at her with identical slack-jawed gapes, wondering if this could possibly be the same woman they rescued from the tub a few hours ago. Their silent question was answered by happy barking and the low, heavy scraping sound of the hand-cuffed Fudgie dragging the desk he was attached to along with him as he frantically tried to reach his mistress. "Uncuff Fudgie this instant," Udgie shrieked. "I know YOU'RE behind his Deena. Between this and your neglect of your own dog Kumquat, I have a good mind to report you to the S.A.C.P.A." Mulder uncuffed the dog and Fudgie ran to Udgie, where he began to affectionately slobber all over the woman. "Sorry Fudgie-wudgie, no kissypoos for Mumsy until my silicone patch adhesive dries." Udgie walked into Mulder's kitchen and grabbed her Seattle Space Needle salt and pepper shakers, carefully placing them in a leopard-spot handbag that perfectly matched her outfit. "OK. I've got my Fudgie, I've got my Space Noodles, am I forgetting anything else?" "These," Mulder said as he handed Udgie the foil-wrapped Polident tablets. Udgie snatched them from Mulder's hand while firing a glare that could melt a polar ice cap at Scully. She strutted to the door, and turned to face the two agents. "You haven't heard the last of me Fox. You've got a dental cleaning scheduled in 3 months. And Deena, you might want to check your tires on the way out. They look like they could use some air." THE END August 31, 1996 MAPBISAC@aol